Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
To Imarried IT: who wondered if anyone else’s ex-spaths were bi-sexual:
I walked into his office one day while he was with a friend/consultant who was there to help with his business. This married man was leaning over the spath and I heard him say: “I would do anything for you!” in a very intimate and loving way. What the F**K! I turned around before they saw me and left, made some noise and came in again, asking the question I needed answered. But I was so bewildered, I never even brought it up to the spath.
Soon after, he started jokingly referring to himself as “metrosexual”, which supposedly means a straight guy who is very picky about his personal appearance and may be mistaken for gay because of his pickiness about his looks. That didn’t make any sense, because the spath was a slob, threw on whatever clothes he could find, had to be reminded to get a haircut, had dandruff, etc. So that confused me too. Another red flag I blew off.
He made no effort to hide and even advertised the fact he was very homophobic. No other man I had ever been with had made such an issue about that. But I think now that was his cover.
So my theory is, (and I know I could be wrong) is that maybe all bi-sexuals are sociopaths. Because if someone is straight, they’re not going to become gay and vice-versa with homosexuals. That’s just the way we all are, we were born that way. I personally don’t have a problem with someone picking one side and getting on it. But to sway both ways is being as opportunistic as you can get. Maybe to the spath, they don’t want to limit their options on who they prey on next, since we are all (straight and gay) just objects to them anyway.
Well, just my experiences and opinions. Just me trying to make sense of the “senseless”. I hope that helps to answer your question.
IMarriedIt,
Personally, with the spath that I know, I think that his dysfunctional parents destroyed him (he could have been born normal, but his mother and father could not effectively parent their children). At times the spath seemed to have a smidgen of a conscience (I suspect that it was never fully developed), but in my mind, he ignores it. These people are rebellious, perpetual trouble-makers. To be free of them is the way to go.
Donna:
Is that why he doesnt seem interested? He cancels whenever he gets ready. Why did he even agree to go? I thought that by getting help with his PTSD, things would get better but I discovered that it is deeper than that”much deeper.
LoveSucks:
He is probably lying about his PTSD.
He is probably lying about his childhood abuse.
In fact, I will stake my life on it…he is lying about everything.
It will never change. It will never get better. Get away from him.
LoveSucks,
I have to concur with Donna… therapy with a sociopath is useless. I would even go one further: it is harmful.
The field of psychology HATES to admit that a disorder, compulsion, pathology, whichever is untreatable. While the field of psychology accepts that some of these are permanent, they still wish to find some type of therapy and/or medicine that treats the condition. And yet the field over the years has come to accept that there is nothing of real advantage they can do therapeutically with sociopaths. I’ve read the past few years the personal findings of therapists who “get” socioapthy: there’s not ONE that claims it’s treatable. And they all agree that there is a VERY HIGH risk that therapy just makes them better SPATHS, and WORSE humans. They become even better liars and deceivers. Therapy just hands them more labels they will use as excuses for their behaviour and pity plays.
SOCIOPATHS DO NOT GROW A CONSCIOUS NOR A HEART with therapy! They lack these fundemental capacities that we are born with and never needed any therapy for to develop.
And when it comes to relationship therapy. Understand that such therapy is aimed to help NORMAL people with communication issues that are specific to that relationship.
The man you are with was a sociopath before you ever met him, and he will always be a sociopath long after you’re gone. If he had been engaged to another woman he would treat her the same way. So, YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. The relationship is NOT THE PROBLEM. HE IS THE PROBLEM! HE ALONE! So, that disqualifies relationship therapy totally!
When it comes to therapists, please realize that they have a specialty and training that is comparable to a doctor or speciliast. If you have a busted knee, you don’t go to a heart surgeon. You go to a doctor specialised in broken limbs. That seems logical to us, because we have a physical concept of the difference. We recognize such a different between mental issues less easy because the mind is not something visible. Most relationship therapists have NO TRAINING whatsoever of much significance, except perhaps a passing chapter of the many, in personality disorders, let alone sociopathy. In other words, they CANNOT recognize a sociopath just like the majority of humanity cannot. They are as “gullible” as the next person when it comes to a spath’s charms, lies and mask. They will trust him, believe his lies, and come to blame you for all the disorder he’s creating.
NOTE: I’m speaking in general. Some relationship therapists have at least taken some more extensive training or did some research, and are less easy to fool. Have you ever considered the fact that the reason he avoids going there is because he feels the therapist is not so easily fooled and fears exposure? That together with seeing it as just another opportunity to play the usual game of getting your hopes up only to let you down again.
IMAGINE THIS FICTONAL SCENARIO:
Imagine that your partner tells you he wants to make children with you, and you’re trying to conceive a child, and after a year you still aren’t pregnant. Worried you go to the doctor. You get to be investigated, while the partner comes up with many excuses not to be investigated for a cause. They find some minor issues with you, nothing really that could make you be infertile, but you start to think you are. The doctor put you on hormones, operates on you, etc… Meanwhile the partner argues it’s your fault too constantly. But eventually you discover that your partner used to be a woman who went through a sex-change. All the investigation, the operations, the research, tests and self-blame were totally unecessary, just like “him” trying to make a baby with you. It was ALWAYS IMPOSSIBLE and YOU WERE NEVER THE PROBLEM and HE KNEW THIS FROM THE GET GO.
So, in the end relationshit therapy just becomes another type of abuse to abuse you emotionally and mentally even more, while the therapist becomes an unwitting minion of them.
If you want therapy, get therapy for yourself with someone who GETS sociopathy.
Oh My!! I remember hearing that he has been engaged before. This must be a sick pattern of his. Ok , so my new strategy is to get him to go away. I have to get him out of my life. His family lives in the neighborhood so I must be creative.
I understand now. He knows how to work the system and I will look like the lunatic. Wow. This conforms what I have been feeling. I have to make this work for me while keeping my ultimte goal.
Thank you, I really needed to hear these things and more. I appriciate it so very much.
OH MY!!! OK I did some snooping and I found evidence of drugs. I think he’s on drugs. This is getting worst by the minute.
Excellant post, Darsmom. Thank you. I still get caught up in thinking it was my fault, but the truth is, I was working on MY issues, trying to fix me, so that I could fix the marriage, all the while he was lying, cheating, and hurting me. Whose really to blame, here?
Thanks again for your infertility analogy. Light bulb moment.
Newlife, with respect I just wanted to post that I know several people who have in some cases experimented with same sex sexual activity and or been in same sex relationships and then settled in hetero relationships, and in others had mixed relationships and later in life decided they were predominantly gay or lesbian and no longer had mixed relationships. None of these people are socio/psychopaths. They are ordinary decent people. I wanted to post that as LF would welcome bi victims of disordered abusers as much as victims of other orientations I’m sure. No doubt some bisexual people are disordered but not all are, not at all. Peace and love in your recovery x
It’s not a guarantee… but there is the possibility you can make him disintrested if he experiences you are not good drama-supply anymore.
Spaths stay with a victim as long as he/she gives them supply. There may be a particular supply they seek mainly, but usually it seems to me they go for the maximum supply they can get. When they start not getting the supply they seek a new victim, and will “drop” the previous victim without looking back.
There’s the physical supplies: a roof over their heads, sex and money. Do not let him sleep over anymore, find every excuse you can come up with to avoid having sex with him, and stop giving him money (say you are low, already in debt). Especially be firm on the latter. Mine started to actively seek a new victim and started the devalue and discard process in a few months once I stopped enabling him on a financial level. We were long distance and I didn’t have the money to buy myself a plane ticker, nor for him during holidays. So no sex either and it looked like it would be a year at least before he could have sex with me again.
Then there is the immaterial supply: drama, status. If spaths plan to marry you, status is one of the supply they want from you. I was engaged too. By not going out again, by not being fun in public again, by not making yourself pretty anymore, etc… your status use will drop quickly.
Drama is ALWAYS a supply they seek in anybody. They love to make people crazy with arguments, by having people beg them to change, by fighting, by arguing, etc… They cannot feel deeply themselves, but they get a rush from making people feel strongly about them… doesn’t matter whether that is hate, anger, deep disappointment, despair, shock, etc… actually they prefer especially their victims to feel like that. Since they don’t have empathy, they cannot be sure what you feel as a response to their actions… but they can read it from your face.
To stop being drama supply for a spath you must grey rock them. It doesn’t mean you stop feeling. It means you don’t ever reveal your emotions to them, nor what you “wish, like, love, want”. Shrug shoulders, say ‘ok’ and do something else in another room. If you have a conversation have one that he will find boring: weather, plubming, gardening, washing and cleaning. And wear GREY clothes.
Still, I would prepare an exit strategy for yourself. Do not let your future and your freedom depend on him. I think it would serve you much better if you were to take your life in your own hands.
I understand you find it difficult, with his sister living so close… but actually my response is “So what?” Are you afraid to offend her? You owe him nor his sister ANYTHING!