Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
TRUTHSPEAKS SAID
I hated the fact that he never, on ANY level, actually “cared” or “loved” me, at any time. But, these facts were indisputable. I couldn’t argue or bargain them away into something more pleasant, and I hated it.
Yes, this is where I am at now and it SUCKS!!! How can someone keep up the facade for 31 years??? How after two children, two homes and countless days of sharing everything. He was my best friend- so when I left his poisoning I lost it all at once.
Very hard to accept 🙁
I am a nervous reck. I get very nervous when i leave home. I had a meeting and was a nervous reck the whole time I was out. Does it get better?
Yes, it get’s better.
Tea Light:
Good morning. I am so sorry to hear that you rang the abuser. What did he say?
I’ve read all your posts and everyone else’s about anger. I have a lot of it, but my friend I am on this trip with says that it’s not healthy. She says the anger only hurts me and not him or OW (which is true). I am confused. And yes, like someone else here, I STILL miss him. I hate that. Hate it. I still cannot believe that he is still connected to OW, but in reality and in my heart, I always knew he probably started seeing her again. I am sure of it now. That just hurts so much after he lied and told me he would never speak to her again…right. It’s awful. See, the thing about other woman is that she is the type who is really cute and flirty and everyone likes her. Some or most do see through her, but she fools and manipulates people and she always gets what she wants. Always. So I feel like once again, she got what she wanted by being back in touch with him. See, when I left my job…that is when he said he would never speak to her again because I showed him proof that she was talking to me about him and their affair and warning me and he didn’t like that. Someone else had told me that she also said that she would never speak to him again. But that only proved to me that they had passionate feelings for each other. Soooo, somewhere along the line, they started talking to each other again and well, that wasn’t hard because they still worked together, but remember, I was now gone so I was out of sight, out of mind especially to a man who acts like a little boy…only deals with what is in front of him. Somehow, she got him back into her good graces and it’s because she is a manipulator. They are so much alike and I think they are drawn to each other. It just hurts so much that he totally rejected me on LinkedIn and accepted her. Hurt more than anything because out of all the things he could do, rejecting me and accepting her is the ultimate betrayal to me. But the thing is why?? He must have found out something. I feel bad…I did report him last year, but they didn’t do anything to him. Perhaps somehow he found out, but it was anonymous…I have no idea how he could find out.
He obviously hates me and I hate that…so hard for me to accept and I don’t know why. I need strong counseling. But my friend here doesn’t think that he hates me at all. She thinks he has pushed me away because I was in love with him and he can’t handle that…doesn’t want that…he’s not available. She says why would he hate you? But he must…it’s the only reason he would reject me on LinkedIn. But instead of ruminating in my head, “He hates me,” I spent today saying, “He doesn’t hate me.” I repeated it over and over again. Even if it’s not true, perhaps I can retrain my brain by telling myself that he doesn’t hate me…make myself feel better. I guess at this point, I just want him to find a new job and move to another state. I never felt like that before, but now I do. It would help a lot if he just wasn’t here. I know so many here will think, “Who cares if he hates you?” but I do for some reason and it’s horrible.
So I am like you…lots of anger that I don’t know what to do with. And then confused because some people say it’s OK to have anger and others says it’s not healthy.
I am glad you finally got antibiotics. I will be on my ninth day tomorrow so I will be done Saturday and I am finally feeling almost normal. We both were sick for far too long before we went for meds. Sorry you are feeling so bad and sorry he provoked you into ringing him. That is what he wanted you to do. I am curious to hear what he said. Sorry if you posted it and I missed it. This is so hard for us. Sounds like you have a long road ahead of you as he is still in contact with you and won’t leave you alone. It is OVER for me, but that’s what hurts. I never wanted it to be over, but it must be. So hard to let go of a dream even if that dream would end up being a nightmare. So much healing to do to let go of that dream and so hard to realize that the OW who also had that dream is still in touch with him and he is accepting of her and not me. Sigh. Wow.
OK, it is really late here so I have to get to sleep as I can’t sleep late in the morning. It’s nonstop here. I did get out and have a great walk again today. I only have two more full days here…leaving on Sunday. It’s going to be tough going back home and into the same old patterns. Love you and thinking about you. x
Dorothy2,
Yes, I am blue inside and a broken version of my former self. I was once in a state of peace…one of the reasons that perplexes me so about my involement with him…I was at the MOST spiritual/emotional/mental and physically balanced and happy place I have ever been, in the years preceding meeting him. I am certain that my background of abuse made for possible regression of all the inner growth and healing I had achieverd prior to meeting him. I am proof that even though we may have big spurts of inner growth in our lives, we are not beyond further, deeper and painful lessons. I think the one area where I still had much to learn was in SOLIDIFYING boundaries! Spath smelled the scent of soft boundaries and went in for the kill. Humility growth for me. I was not above regression…..it has humbled me and taught me where GOD still wants to bring my awareness of self…where I can be a woman whose boundaries are solid. I know I loved myself when I met him. I remember thinking that I was whole enough inside that I could weather the storm of the flaws I saw in him. I only saw the behaviors as being related to addiction and some unprocessed greif inside him. I conciously chose to love him with those flaws. I did not see the deception. I beleived he loved me…till I found LF. While I was with him, I certainly did not “see” he was sociopathic. I am grateful that I found LF. I did not understand what really happened till a few months after our relationship had formally ended. I began to research how to heal from being “played”…because, at the minimum, he had played me. Other woman…he explained it all away with razor-like precision. It was not as if I never called him on “things”, I often did. I was very deep in my “illusion”…it explains the trance like love I felt for him. I have learned much here. Thank you LF for …everything. I am so grateful to LF, to Donna.
The despair and confusion I had before finding this place was unlike any previous breakup. I know what you mean, Dorothy, by the longing. I still catch myself thinking about a romantic time we had…and think I miss that person. I now picture him in his icy grave in my mind. Remind myself he cheated on me whole time we were together. Mine never laid a finger on me either. All his abuse was done with class…such a well spoken, proper mannered, upscale man…in many ways. But the underlying cruel treatment and words cut deep into me….made me bleed inside where people don’t see. The intellectual, educated abuser is far more dangerous. They then convince you, that they are not abusing you…that “we” are just insecure. Turns out that part is true, but not for reason they think…we are insecure or we would not have tolerated their abuse….all the spathy insanity. I will become a zero tolerance woman. I will remain loving, but only to those who have earned it. Love-hugs to you,
Peace and HUGS to all,
Blue
Dear Louise,
I read your post on feeling bad b/c you think he hates you. I understand why you feel so betrayed. Your hate is a rational response to betrayal. Let yourself feel it…if not felt, it goes “within” us. Not good! Do you think that maybe the truth is that he does not hate or love you…since spath’s cannot really feel anything? Maybe, like someone on here said, they can experience rage-anger-envy…but the stuff they feel is not about us at all. It is their sick souls…all about them, like everything else they do. I am still angry too…it is ok. We are feeling what we need to.
Hugs to you,
Blue
Lou, he said meh meh blah blah wah wah nanoo nanoo parp parp.
I said : I have gone to the police. Stop harassing me.
Lou lovely , I have been up since 2.30 am and left my students early as my fever is raging. etc. So this may not come out quite as I’d like, it’s going to be a bit stream of unfiltered consciousness so tell me to take a hike if you think it’s too harsh . I care about you and I am concerned, and I think a bit of unvarnished straight talking may be of use to you, maybe not, but here goes…
” And yes, like someone else here, I STILL miss him. I hate that” : you miss a man who does not love you. At a certain point, no matter how much it hurts that he ended it, and that things did not pan out the way you wanted them to, it starts to be about you Lou, and missing a man who has made it abundantly clear he does not love and does not miss you is something you need to get to grips with with a professional.
I” still cannot believe that he is still connected to OW, but in reality and in my heart, I always knew he probably started seeing her again. I am sure of it now. That just hurts so much after he lied and told me he would never speak to her again”right.” : Lou, it’s not your business who he sees or does not see. That is his wife’s business, but not yours. You are not in a relationship with him, he is not your husband, or partner, or ex husband. He just about qualifies as an ex partner but he returned to his wife, and you do not have children with him. It is not your business. And ask yourself, why do you miss a liar?
”It just hurts so much that he totally rejected me on LinkedIn and accepted her. Hurt more than anything because out of all the things he could do, rejecting me and accepting her is the ultimate betrayal to me.” Lou, he has made it clear to you that he does not want a relationship with you. He refused to meet you when you asked him. It is wholly unsuprising that he did not want contact with you via LinkedIn. Who he accepts as a contact on LinkedIn is not your business. You have no business looking at his online presence. The only person he is betraying if he is conducting sexual relationships with women who are not his wife, is his wife, not you Lou.
”He must have found out something. I feel bad”I did report him last year, but they didn’t do anything to him. Perhaps somehow he found out, but it was anonymous”I have no idea how he could find out. ” You reported him because he harassed you and broke company rules. If you feel guilty that guilt is misplaced. It is irrelevant whether he knows you did or not. He ended your relationship before you reported him. He was not going to start it up again if you had not reported him. The relationship was and is over, because that’s what he wants.
”He obviously hates me and I hate that”so hard for me to accept and I don’t know why” He knows you are in love with him, and he is not in love with you. He wants you to stay away from him, it’s as simple as that Lou. Maybe he hates you, maybe he’s indifferent to you, maybe he just finds your attempts to contact him irritating. Whichever, he does not wnat you to contact him. And whether he hurt you or not, you have to accept that. Which brings me on to my last point…
Lou, I am concerned that you are dangerously close to handing this man the opportunity to filing a complaint against you for harassment. He does not want contact with you. If you try and contact him again online or even if he finds out through the grapevine that you are asking questions about why he was fired, whether he is moving, if he has a new job, if he is still married etc, he may get irritated to the point where he may go to the police, to make it clear to you he wants no contact with you. Do NOT let that happen Louise. It would be humilating and very unpleasant.
Please look at the facts, and put aside your feelings, as Truthy reminds us to do. You have been very hurt by the relationship. We know that, and we will help you work through those feelimgs of rejection and sadness, with general support and concern , but I think you must get to grips with what is beginning to sound like a compulsion to contact this man, a compulsion that you are struggling, and with the LinkedIn invitation you sent him, did not control. That is potentially going to lead to very negative consequences for you Lou, and we do not want that to happen. It is essential that you accept that you and this man are not in a relationship. That he does not want to see you or speak to you again. You MUST accept that Lou because if you do not, the law is on his side.
The facts are that he harassed you sexually at work, and this led to you entering a consensual sexual relationship with him whilst he was seperated. He made the decision to end that relationship after a few months. You were not engaged, you did not fall pregnant, he made you no promises that I am aware of, he did not sexually or physically abuse you, he does not owe you money. You were unhappy at the way he ended the relationship. You are allowed to be. You can be very angry and unhappy about it. But you are not allowed to try and contact someone who has made it clear they do not want you contacting them, unless you are in a legal dispute with them, which you are not.
Lou, you are better than this ….stuff. If you cannot get past it without professional help, you must seek professional help. You have many friends here who value you, care about you very much, you are LOVED. Call some counselors. DO NOT attempt contact with him again. xxx
Louise, if its any solace…..it will be the same with his wife(s), x wife(s), OW(s), or YOU! He will more than likely continue on the same path of destruction for the rest of his life. Magic 8 Ball says, all signs point to YES. I for one will sit back and continue to do whatever I can to heal, grow and understand myself while Spath x spends his time, money and energy with his head up hiss ass and a bottle, can or cocktail in his hand. The other hand will be on his pee pee. He may hook up with someone else from time to time but it, like everything else in his pathetic life will fail.
Truthy does not approve of this but I do hope that I’m around the next time that he fu-is up his life and I hope it’s a doozy. One that even Mama can’t ignore.
No time to really read or contribute this morning. Here’s to hoping this is a better day that yesterday and the ones before that.
{{hugs}}
D2
Morning Bluemosaic!! D