Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Morning TeaLight! D
Louise, did I read you correctly that a “friend” has told you that your anger is UNHEALTHY!?!?!?!?!
Where is OxD and her frying pan?! Dammit!!!
Louise, dear one, anger IS “normal” and it can be very, very healthy depending upon how we express it. If we CHOKE IT BACK, we harm ourselves. If we allow it to simmer, we end up being arrested for assault as I was. If we express it in a healthy way, we PURGE it and use that tremendous energy to accomplish personal goals.
Louise? Is this the “friend” that told you about the spath’s LinkedIn profile? (tapping foot)
Brightest blessings, dear heart
Hi Dot2! x
LoveRocks, you have been traumatised by your ex partner’s violent assaults. Your edginess and anxiety are symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and are perfectly normal, though very unpleasnt for you, obviously. You are on heightened alert, in a state of what’s called hypervigilance, basically your primal self is working overtime to look for signs that your attacker is on the horizon. If this persists then please have a talk with your doctor and definately definately talk to a domestic violence helpline, plenty of people here can give you US signposts, I’m British so I don’t know where you should go , but I think Truthy does. Take care, you’ve taken a massive step , a leap, forward in your life getting this criminal out of your home. Congratulations, and love to you x
LoveS, TeaLight is spot-on. You’re describing symptoms of PSTD and, although they are “normal,” they can escalate into an uncontrollable and unmanageable state of anxiety that can affect every aspect of our lives.
http://www.ndvh.org can put you in touch with a host of resources, including legal advocacy and strong counseling therapists.
There is NO shame in reaching out for assistance. We are simply NOT equipped to process the carnage of spath entanglements. We aren’t.
If you see smoke pouring out of the hood of your vehicle, you take the vehicle to a mechanic. If water pours down from your ceiling whenever it rains, you call a roofer to repair it. If you have a chipped or broken tooth, you see a dentist. If you are experiencing hypvervigilance, extreme anxiety, sleeplessness, and crippling fear, you take those symptoms to a trained and knowledgeable counseling therapist to learn how to process and manage your experiences.
Brightest blessings
Yeah, good point Truthy, Lou, your friend who is rather unhelpfully telling you about the divvy’s LinkedIn page needs to be told – along the lines of ” I have decided that it is not healthy for me to have any connection with this man, even via third parties. I was hurt at the end of our relationship and I am still working through that. Please respect that I do not want any more updates about him, whether his professional or personal life ”. Love you Lou, if the above is too harsh tell me to take a jump in a lake xx
Louise, if this IS the same “friend” that told you about the LinkedIn profile, you are NOT obligated to explain or defend this boundary. “I do not want to know anything more about Scousepath. Please, respect this.” If this “friend” chooses to accept this boundary, then they do not have an agenda. If, however, this “friend” starts out a response with, “But, you should __________,” then this “friend” has a definite agenda. Fill in the blank with any words that come to mind, but the inference is the same.
EDIT ADD: Survivors of spath encounters “feel” obligated to explain and defend themselves, by proxy. Because spath entanglements are SO fantastic and inconceivable, we “feel” that the more we explain and defend ourselves, the more other people will “understand” our processes of recovery. This is not true, in most cases. Especially with friends/family that attempt armchair psychoanalysis without having ANY benefit of personal reference: i.e., their own recovery from spath entanglements.
We are not, under any circumstance, required, obligated, or mandated to DEFEND or explain our boundaries. Giving people this information can feed a drama/trauma Monkey, or it can cause us to spiral into a vortex of shame, ALL OVER AGAIN. We have nothing to be ashamed of by maintaining boundaries for everyone, across the boards, and the “feeling” that we must explain/defend ourselves only feeds shame.
So, once again I am working on NC. Saw him last Friday which was a disaster. Talked to him Sat. which was the last time. He texted me Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs…(and I didn’t reply) but no text this morning.
So, on the way to work I had a melt down. I feel like I have sinking futher in a hole of depression.
ToBeFree, you’re “allowed” to have meltdowns, for crying out loud! Human beings are comprised of flesh and bone, and we bruise and bleed.
I’ll ask this without meaning to be harsh: why haven’t you blocked his number, yet? Every time he text messages you, the vortex spins faster, and faster. Take back control over your own emotions, girl! Block that ass-hat’s cell phone number, or change your own number so that he has NO in-road into your head!!!
Stop beating yourself up because it’s not going to facilitate anything. Feeding the Shame Monkey only causes all of the OTHER Monkeys to start screaming and yammering for attention.
You have the ability to stop the madness. You can choose to either block his number or change your own number, or not. But, you DO have choices.
Brightest blessings of encouragement
Thanks,
I have so much to process.
I posted something on the Part 8 – Waking up yesterday. I’m still dealing with that too. Realizing that I had contributed to the fantasy of this relationship.
ToBeFree, your pain and grieving is personal and yours, alone. But, it may be helpful for you to understand that each and every LoveFraud member has (or, IS) experienced the same processes. You’re not alone. And, you’re not the first person to have been targeted, damaged, and discarded – you won’t be the last, either. That statement is NOT intended to minimize your pain and grief, but to help you to put it into perspective.
I also contributed to the illusion that allowed for the exspath to rob me of 300K through coercion or outright theft/forgery, live a disgustingly deviant double-life, and leave me for dead once I no longer had cash value. It was ALL a ruse – an illusion. But, I am NOT responsible for the exspath actions, choices, or decisions.
You may have bought into the illusion, but you did NOT give permission to the spath to destroy your life, okay? So………let go of that shame and blame. Lay the blame where it belongs: on HIS shoulders for targeting your vulnerabilities AND strengths, and for deliberately, intentionally, and maliciously using them AGAINST you.
You’re going to be fine, ToBeFree. It just takes time, grieving, and a bunch of other stuff that is 100% unpleasant to get your feet planted firmly onto your own Healing Path. In due time, you will come to recognize, accept, and APPRECIATE the fact that you are unique and precious in this vast Universe and that you DESERVE a life well-lived.
Brightest blessings of encouragement
EDIT ADD: And, you have the option of blocking his number or changing your own so that he no longer has an in-road into your head. Cutting him off at the knees will set you free, at last. Leaving that opportunity for future “contact” only perpetuates the illusion – and that is now a choice to self-inflict more damage, or not.