Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
I am amazed at your statement Dorothy2..”living off the empty calories of his shallow words and promises…” All year with my spath, I lived off of the small, carefully doled out, expressions of love and a future together. How did he get me past feeling uncomfortable with his interactions with other women? “I love you the most, I will never be unfaithful to you”…why did I stay so long thinking things would get better? ” you are the only woman I love, I intend to make you my wife…we are meant to be together.” …best one of all… “I will never break your heart”…nope, he destroyed it. Breaking it implies there would be pieces left over. I have been changed more by this relationship than any other in my life. I cannot even imagine trusting another man.
Blue
LoveS, there will come a time when you’ll accept that the spath simply doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything, or anyone. The only “care” that he has is how he’s going to get his next adrenaline rush.
After listening to why I wanted a divorce, my attorney looked at me in the eye and said the most hurtful words I could have imagined (at that time), “He just didn’t care.” A week later, my counseling therapist said the exact same words in the same order, “He just didn’t care.” Well, dammit, after all of the years that I was a “good wife” to that man, how could he just NOT care? How could that BE?! Those words cut me to the core. They were painful and harsh. But, they were true – they were fact.
“Acceptance” is when we stop trying to alter or negotiate facts and truths. Facts and truths stand alone and, regardless of how I might try, I cannot refute the facts because I “feel” outraged, angry, or sad.
After I spent days crying off-and-on, I revisited the fact that he just didn’t care, and it was true. In retrospect, every time I needed real attention – not medical attention, but honest, loving attention – it simply wasn’t forthcoming. Even in medical emergencies and dire situations, the exspath went through the motions of appearing concerned, but it wasn’t sincere, on any level. No, he didn’t care. He never cared, and he won’t “care” about his new targets.
I didn’t like the facts. Truth be told, I hated them. I hated the facts because I could not wish them away. I couldn’t guilt them away. I couldn’t bargain them away. No matter what approach I took, I was absolutely powerless to alter the facts. And, I hated this to the Nth Degree.
Then, after going round and round in attempts to change the facts, I allowed them to soak in and accepted them, as they were. And, no….I still do not like these facts, to this day. I don’t like the fact that I was targeted, set up, and drained of 300K without any legal remedy available. I don’t like the fact that I’m virtually disabled and experience cycles of great pain and discomfort. I don’t like the fact that I am living in a level of poverty that I didn’t know existed, before. I don’t like the fact that I lost so many, many important things – friends, a job that I loved, heirlooms, my studio, my equipment, my vehicle……..no, I don’t like these facts one stinking iota. But, they are all indisputable and I am not required to “like” them – just accept them.
Bluemosaic, right now, it is reasonable to not imagine trusting another man. It’s an indication to you, personally, that you’re in recovery and there’s a lot of grieving and work to do. At some point, there may come a time when you trust yourself and your boundaries enough to dip your foot into that stream, just to test the water. It’s okay to be in this space, at this time.
Indeed, spath entanglements are unlike any other traumas and the recovery from them is unlike anything that a human being is equipped to process. I’m a very strong advocate of counseling therapy to assist in recovery because there’s really nothing to point at and say, “See this? This is what was caused by that man/woman!” Well, there’s no way to show someone our shattered beliefs, tattered emotions, and so forth. Oh, I have documented evidence that’s about 10 inches thick of the exspath’s forgeries and depletion of my finances, but I’m met with, “Why didn’t you KNOW that he was taking this from you?!” So, even the evidence of HIS actions becomes an opportunity to blame the victim instead of the fraudster.
We are, indeed, changed. In due time, these result in positive reconstruction of our boundaries, beliefs, healthy “Self-isms,” and so much more. It just takes time and acceptance to get that ball rolling.
Brightest blessings
Blue, I wish we could talk by phone but it’s a no- no. I relate to your words SO MUCH. I was lead on with practically the exact same line of crap. All the things he said he would NEVER DO……yeah right. The only thing I will say is that he was with me SO much, I seriously don’t think he was F’ing around with anyone else but there certainly times I can remember things he told me about where he was and when that didn’t add up.
You see……we were together for almost two years and we both made it very clear from the very beginning that we wanted it to be exclusive. Well, about one month into it, him having been gone on vacation for over a week……..my point is, we had barely been seeing each other, I left on vacation and ended up seeing an old romantic interest who said he still had feelings for me. I ended up staying away for over a month hooked up with this guy, drank tequila the entire time ( I was not in a good Dorothy place AT ALL when I met him and for almost a year after I met him, explains a lot). I was TOTALLY honest with Spath about everything because I knew that we had agreed to be exclusive. He was very hurt= humiliated.
When I came back, I contacted him because I wanted to talk to him about what happened, apologize, etc, etc, etc…..we ended up seeing each other again and according to Spath, it was all in the past. There is SO much more to this whole Spathcapade than I could possibly type!!
Anyhow, he never let it go, I was true blue faithful to him after that and the thought of seeing someone else was not even an option in my heart. I was in the trap with no chance of getting out and slowly but surely, I struggled less and less and less. He would actually let me out of the trap from time to time by means of a break up here or a break up there, and I would run back in the trap!
I honestly think Spath x was a serial killer only he didn’t kill in the physical sense, he did his pathalogical damage on an emotional, mental level.
I’m serious. I asked him if he was a serial killer ( red flag…..living in mothers basement ) and he said, laughing, ” No! Too messy.”
Dorothy2, I wish we could talk too…if there is anyway around this rule, maybe through moderator so #’s are not put up for all to see.? The thing that would be nice is something 12-step like where you can connect in person…as they say in program “we don’t heal in isolation.” I am glad that LF exists…without this blog, I cannot even imagine the confusion I would be in. BTW, my spath is an emo-spirit killer too…and I was discarded b/c I did not take the evisceration well, he wanted me to remain “good supply” even after all the horrifc treatment.
Sooo wonderful of you Truthy to be a voice of solice and reason for those of us still struggling to stand up. I know this will do a total reconstruction of my boundaries…I know that will be a good thing. Just in a funk today…so much pain-greif…ughhhh. I work later today, actually looking forward to it since it gives me social time with nice co-workers and less time for him to haunt my mind.
Warm hugs and peace to all,
Blue
Hey Blue, I’m game if you are…..we would just have to figure it out. We would also have to have some sort of agreement that if it wasn’t working for one of us that we have to say so immediately in a friendly kind way and discontinue, not take it personally, still be LF friends. I know that i get overloaded and exhausted very easily. Sometimes just don’t feel like speaking words even to my best friend. This is such a draining experience it pretty much creates isolation because there is no energy in me for anything else!
I don’t know the rules here. I just know that typing on this frigging ipad is not a good venue for me!!!!!
Truthy, I wish I could remember and I know you JUST TOLD ME!! What is the short version of why you couldn’t get your money back? What was his
” out ” . Forgery is a felony? But he was on the account? Sorry!!
Dorothy2,
I am willing to contact moderator, see if we can connect, and I agree…too much talky, no good. And if we don’t feel ok with the connection after made, cut and no hard feelings. Maybe some way, it will help move us both forward in our healing?
Hugs,
Blue
Truthy…..that’s exactly what I was when I hooked up with him and was still drinking. I was an adrenalin rush. Shiny…pretty…I was exciting, fun, unpredictable and drunk most of the time. A perfect Spath playmate. That’s the Dorothy he wanted. It’s disgusting to even think about because that’s not me!! I have aspects of that to me even when sober but not in the exaggerated way that spaths need to keep interested…….and no mater what, just like a drug, they would need more and more and more. Higher and higher and higher…actually, lower and lower and lower…..into the sucking bottomless pit of Spathdom. Just like a toilet, flushed and down the drain you go, out to the putrid septic tank of their reality. Anything that even resembled the real values and spirit you have is now covered in Spath Poo.
Blue, are you in the USA?