Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
I am upset. So very upset. I just got a call from a police officer asking me if I wanted to press charges against that SP. I was so thrown off I couldnt say anything. I thought they were looking for him but apparently they arent. I have been operating under a false sense of security-relief. Meanwhile, he is dininfg with his sister and new woman who he was cheating on me with. She has the nerve to be a minister…haa. I am so upset, what am I to do now. This is how so many things happen to abuse victims.
LS, where I live a call back would be a good sign. May I ask what you told them in response to their question?
Lovesucks,
Just know that you are in control of whatever you would like to do.
If he did something to harass you or abusive, by all means report it.
The police generally need some kind of report in order to investigate incidences. If they are interested, follow through!
In my experience, the law doesn’t work the way (we) law abiding citizens think it does. Nothing is easy, and everything is very hard to prove.
Hang in there, and don’t let this throw you off kilter.
Balance my dear…..balance.
Love, yes, you do want to press charges, this man has tried to strangle you on three occasions I beleive, and put a knife to your throat the other week. Clearly law enforcement need you to formally confirm that you want to press charges, which will trigger , I assume, an arrest warrant. I know your attacker has previous convictions so I am assuming a third arrest for such a serious charge would lead to him being incarcerated awaiting trial ? If not, then surely you can file for a restraining order at the same time as you formalise pressing charges against this individual? Love, clearly you are traumatised, that is entirely natural and wholly understandable. Please, take the necessary action – insist he is held to account for his abuse of you. This is a dangerous, deeply unpleasant man. He should be in jail. Please take the necessary steps to make that happen. Let us know how things progress, stay safe, and be strong. You can move on with your life , remember that. God bless. x
LS, if that stuff is true that man needs consequences for what he’s done. Plea bargain, lawyer’s fees, whatever, even if he ultimately beats the charges or the most serious ones. I declined to press, and it cost me later. And my abuser was a more sympathetic figure than yours sounds. A minister — WTF.
And have you taken precautions for your safety now?
Thank you all… I told the officer that I thought charges were already made against him, that was the purpose of calling the police. I called my vitim advocate today and Im waiting for her to call me. I am going to press charges its just hard to think about going through all of that. I just want peace. I am watching my back and I have others who are looking out for me. I have to get the strength to fight. I have none but I have to. He is making himself look like the injured party and I’m the crazy one. He needs to come with a warning.
Love, excellent : you have a victim advocate, and other sources of support including us here and we’re rooting for you, stay strong and deliver him up to the authorities. He has psychopathic traits and a criminal history. It was his choice to attack you and now he can face the consequences. Be as detached and factual as you can with the police. You are a courageous and admirable person. Take care and start planning your future. x
LS, some advance notice if you are not familiar:
cops can be goons, including lady cops. If you are in a large city with a beleagered PD force or a big war on drugs going, you may indeed have to fight even to get basic action from them..
The more time has elapsed since the incident, the worse for your case. For several reasons: people they trust having a chance to examine you, their ability to check the details of your case, your own documentation, are one aspect of it. But also any delay on your part will be questioned. If the incidents were followed by your staying with him or taking him back, you will be asked “then why NOW?”
Cops have a very cynical attitude toward women who go back to abusers. Because the chronic cases that are repeat headaches to them have biased them against someone who made this decision even once. I don’t know if that happened in your case, just a heads up.
Even though there is much ‘he said she said’ to both types of cases, unlike with the Sanduskies and priests and evil fathers that find consequences for largely undocumented acts many years later, regardless of the relationship after the assault being prosecuted for, domestic violence cases have a de facto statute of limitations that is quite small. In practice it varies from place to place and probably by precinct. So don’t be mislead by what you have seen happen to other types of criminals. Time passes differently after one kind of case/crime than it does for another.
Along these same lines, if you are after consequences for this guy more than needing protection from someone who is actually after you, the incident will probably have to be very fresh. If you can demonstrate that you really need an order of protection, they will help you with that, but even there they might tell you they need to see evidence of a pattern, especially if you don’t live with each other.
again goons. Think of how often you hear of a cop shooting himself. It’s because of their ignorance of mental health issues, and the stigma they carry against emotional fragility. (So they don’t pursue MH care because that’s for other people who are different from them) You might even end up dealing with thugs who empathize more with DV perpetrators than with women or who will assume you pissed the guy off and buy his stories. Or a cop who is a DV profile himself.
Of course you may encounter some decent ones, but you may still need to resemble their idealized sterotype of a “legitimate” victim. That’s a defensible concept perhaps but as you know people can get it way wrong. 🙁
Your sanity is much more important, and protecting yourself from bad surprises from callous cops may be more important than prevailing 100% in court. As I implied earlier, it will obviously be good for you and good for society if he experiences consequences, but your safety is the most important thing, and IF that is not the top issue here, your sanity comes after that.
Perhaps you already know all this and I am stupidly telling you stuff you know, but in case you are unfamiliar, please be ready. And if it doesn’t apply to your situation, ignore what I wrote, and fight for your safety, and keep getting support here, and best of luck with everything.
Thank you ann. Its just so overwhelming. I want to hide and not deal with it but I cant just let this go either. he may never hurt me again but he did hurt me …he scared me. What else is there for me to do. Fight back try at least
Hi LoveS,
I’m not sure if you will get this as the whole blog will be down for the weekend but I just wanted to add my two pence. I agree whole heartedly with your comment……”What else can I do. Fight back try at least.”
I’m not sure how helpful it is to suggest that the police may not be sympathetic. Common sense must prevail in cases where a woman makes allegations against her partner and then promptly takes him back. The police must work with the facts….they can’t speculate as to why or when that man may re offend/ attack his partner again. You are in control Love.
Good luck my dear. You are doing well. Keep going….small steps if necessary. Believe in what is right and most importantly, stay safe. (((LoveS)))