Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
It is a game. My SP called recently. He left a message at around 4 am, crying saying how sorry he was. He was drunk. He had the nerve to call me from this woman’s phone. Her name came up on the caller id. She is the one who knwingly got involved with him while we where still together. She evem pretended to have a fiance’. Yes, it is a game so dont fall for it. They are capable of anything.
Today the elctric company came to turn our lights off. I had made arrangements but when the people called they claimed that I didnt make any arrangements.. It never ends. Plus, I cant find a councelor who will accept my insurance.. Im batting a thousand.
Serenity, I wouldn’t concern yourself with whether or not this man would fit the psychiatric professions criteria for a psychopathic / sociopathic personality disorder. The fact that he violently assaulted you makes him firstly a criminal, and secondly a dangerous individual with very poor impulse control, no respect for appropriate boundaries. From what I recall you spent the night at his home, which he clearly agreed to and then he assaulted you after playing with your emotions. Also his son was present. vin the home when he assaulted you. I hope I have remembered your story correctly. So, we have a violent, manipulative, impulsive man who assaults women with his son in the vicinity. Whatever his psychological profile you need to stay the hell away. His apology is possibly simple self interest. He doesn’t want you pressing charges. Or frankly he may be concerned that you need to be placated so you don’t mess up things with his new target. It’s not the case that sociopaths all stalk they tend to discard brutally when they are done with you and have new targets in sight. So it sounds like a manipulative move to keep you quiet and keep you away. Be grateful. Take this chance and run in the opposite direction. He”s extremely bad news. Take care.
Oh God Love you really are being put through it. I can’t give any further advice beyond what I’ve suggested before but I want you to remember there are people here who care about you Andrew really want you to pull through this period. I believe your can and you are in my prayers.
Sorry I’m writing on a phone and the prescriptive text is writing nonsense. And who…not Andrew
Louise!! I miss you. Come baaaack. Soon. x
serenity,
I agree with everything that all the posters have said in reply to you!Here’s my story:
When I separated from my husband in ’03,I thought I was being careful in where I settled,etc.A couple of people who I thought were friends “blew the whistle” each time I moved.So he always knew where I was.And since I don’t drive,it was hard enough on me,but harder on my 2 teenage daughters who were still living with me.Each day we would see him drive by.Finally my daughters couldn’t stand it anymore!Although they couldn’t stand him,they weren’t beyond using him for transportation purposes!It wasn’t long before the “teenage problems” were more than I could handle alone,and there was one occassion when he was happy to stay at the house ’til the problem got resolved.
Pretty soon he took it upon himself to start appearing with towels or other things that he “thought we might need” and taking the girls places.He was always there to rescue them when they got in trouble!He was “worming his way back in” without me realizing what was happening!He always talked so nice.Then in ’08 I had a frightening accident where I passed out and hit the bathtub.By that time,the girls were out on their own,and I had started having panic attacks.I was truly scared to be alone!Spath had been patient;he’d waited 5 yrs…but he had me where he wanted me!No longer feeling strong & independent,but vulnerable and scared!He came over and spent time comforting me and I gave in…..oh how I wish I hadn’t!I paid dearly for going back to him;for the 5 yrs of freedom I’d had!
Oh,not at first.At first,it was like the ‘newlywed period’.But within 2 monthes he became an invalid;incontinent and spending all his time in bed.It just went downhill from there!
Oh Blossom. So very glad you are free of that monster. Love to you.
It seems like I keep getting hit with one thing after another.
It’s hard. I am so tired of being tired. I keep trying and smiling through it all but it’s so hard. Its like there will never be any relief or anything good for me. Idont know…Im just frustrated
I know how you feel darling….It’ll happen I promise. All I keep saying to myself is that I have to love myself first. It was funny I was watching the “real housewives of Beverly Hills” and it was funny I thought to myself MAN those women are al about themselves….how do I do that??? lol Its ok to be selfish in a time like this…. I dyed my hair, went shopping, took a vacation, and I feel rejuvinated….until I ran into that F*&K%R yesterday…..
Thanks everyone including Donna for taking the time to respond. I agree with Tealight that it is a way for him to get me not to press charges or mess up things with his new target as WELL as his ex(the mother of his son) whom he’s been trying to snake his way back into her life (I pray for her she doesn’t fall for it) What a NIGHTMARE he is!! Thanks for the reminder and getting me back on track and not doubting as much today.
Blossom, he sounds exactly my ex….the first thing he said when he drove by me yesterday was “Hey do you want your stuff back? (it’s a bunch of crap that I’ve already said I don’t need) When I initially walked away not making a plan to get my stuff was when he followed me and parked beside me and asked me to come into his car…. TOTAL GAME! And so transparent!! Like as IF we don’t know what their doing it becomes SO predictable!
Thanks everyone
Tea Light & serenity,
I once told spath I thought his becoming bedridden much of the time was on purpose.He turned his face away and said it wasn’t so.I know better!I told him shortly before I left that if he peed on himself,HE’D JUST HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP~SO HE’D BETTER THINK ABOUT IT!He never did pee on himself!But what he did do,was tell on himself without realizing it!A friend of his was beaten severely by an intruder(before they met).The friend being a proud man couldn’t stand the thought of his wife taking care of a crippled man.To ‘scare’ her away he kept peeing on himself and making life difficult for her.
Can you re explain this? I’m not sure what you mean…sounds interesting I just want to be clear…thx!!
serenity,
I truly believe my husband was ‘incontinent’ on purpose,in order to make my life more difficult.I had a mess to clean up! It’s true that he has health issues,and it didn’t help that he wasn’t taking his water pills like he was supposed to.But there again,there was no reason why he shouldn’t….other than that I refused to let him be lazy and use a bottle for peeing when the bathroom was only a few ft away!But he got his way…arrgghh!Things got so bad that a friend bought some urinals and spath was only too happy to use them!Not only was my life now more difficult,I was losing my dignity!That was bad enough when I thought he was really sick!But when he told me how his friend peed on himself,I was furious!First of all,you should never do something like that ‘in fun’…people suffer with that problem in reality everyday!Secondly,anybody who pees on themself intentionally is NASTY and DESERVES to be in a nursing home!