Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Hello: Surviviors of these minds of monsters, that you surely be.
I too was a victim, my own hero I have had to be in order to survive this humanity.
Understand thier motives, they own a deviants mind, cunning, evil is thier kind of mind.
The true self, they hide it well with humor, wit, positivity.
As time goes on, they cannot hold that facade for long.
If you open your eyes and mind,the signs you will see.
Thier true nature becomes apparent, behind closed doors is where they like to be.
Bi sexual he claimed when I caught him with men.
After that he never touched me again.
I love you many times in a day he would say.
Pincess he called me, buddy I became.
That is the nature of the beast.
Lies they do tell, to cover what they hold over the niave.
You are there to stroke thier narcicistic ego, what they can benifit from you.
They do not love, this emotion they do not owm.
Hate, rage, phycosis is what I have seen, lives in those minds of monsters.
Many of these monsters roam our streets, due to my awakening many more did I meet.
25% of the population statistics do quote, sociopaths, physcopaths fill that moat.
No justice did my case see, he was military.
Take pride in becoming aware, escaping these monsters.
You have survived them dears.
Once you understand, they can no longer manipulate, control, hurt you.
A pain in the ass they will remain, vindictive they are, make no mistake.
An interesting journey I did take into the minds of monsters.
NewLife,
I don’t personally know any bisexuals who are not also spaths, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any. Someone can have other issues that would create ambivalence in their sexual preferences.
As far as spaths, they simply have no gender preference. They are sex addicts, which in reality is shame addiction. Sex is one vehicle they use to immerse themselves in the most shameful behavior they can find. So if that means men, women, children, animals or the inanimate… spaths will do it.
The fact is, when a spath presents any face, any preference, anything at all, you can be sure that it is FALSE and the truth IS 180° the opposite of what you are lead to believe.
For example, my spath told me he was a “one woman man”. ROTFLMAO.
Then he told some of his minions that he was a player who could convince many women to have sex with him. This was to present a “fact” that was directly opposed to the gay sex he was having.
My gay frienemy was having sex with the spath and he believed that spath was gay and using me as a beard. He never heard about all the women, whom spath told his other minions about.
Then there were the little girls he raped.
But let us not forget the obsession spath had with the legend of Catherine the Great of Russia, who supposedly had sex with horses. He could not get enough of talking about that with his Russian minion.
Each person in a spath’s life is compartmentalized and exposed only to the “face” that he knows that person will find acceptable.
Truthspeak & Tealight:
Both of your responses were helpful. I feel that bringing this up to myself, when I posted my experiences, is making my head swim again. Haven’t felt that way for a while, so I guess it is another good reminder why it is so devastating to be around him.
He was very misogynistic…in fact, he was president of the “he-man woman hater’s club”! (That was in the Little Rascals, movies about Spanky & Alfalfa, etc…tee hee!) I remember I used to quote that to him. But he was also very homophobic, at least, he would say that once a week…that’s a lot in 8 years. At the business we ran together, he messed with everybody’s heads, men and women. Why didn’t I put two and two together and realize he pretty much hated everybody??!!
While we watched “dirty movies” together occasionally, he really was never kinky when it came to sex with me. At the end, it was very automatic for both of us, but I put that down to me drawing away from him and starting to wake up to his dysfunctional personality. I never felt physically threatened by him either. So I reacted with horror to your experiences with sex, Truthspeak. Maybe my ex-spath realized early on I wouldn’t do that kind of thing, and he would lose me if he pushed it. He was a little obsessive about sex, wanting it three times a day! Hard to fit that in to a regular workday and get any sleep. Sometimes it was exhausting accomodating him.
Was he offended by the come-on from the married man? I don’t know, he never mentioned it and neither did I. From what I could see, he didn’t seem offended. When I pointed out to him using “metrosexual” to describe himself because of his slovenly ways was ridiculous, he stopped saying it.
Being smart to him was the most important thing in the world. I think he realized he wasn’t very smart, himself, so surrounded himself with intelligent people. The consultant was “smart”, I was “smart”, etc. But he still messed with our heads.
I can’t think about this anymore.
skylar:
Excellent point and I observed this:
“Each person in a spath’s life is compartmentalized and exposed only to the “face” that he knows that person will find acceptable.”
Skylar:
Compartmentalized!!! YES…I can’t tell you how many times I brought that up to him, that he would put people into little compartments in his mind and they weren’t allowed to touch each other. It’s like an obessive- compulsive who goes ballistic if the food on his plate touches. Maybe that’s how they can be so many different people? That’s a very good explanation.
Mine told me he was a “one-woman man” also. I believed it. What an idiot I was.
I am 100% gay as was my x-spath. However, about 10 years before the x-spath, I dated a bisexual guy and on the surface, my relationship with him was very similar to that with the x-spath: we meet at a club and have a very good time but nothing more. He is charming, with nice guy exterior. We date, but everything is controlled by him. I see red flags but ignore them. My friends think he is “shady” at best. I ignore them. Just when I think things are going well and that I met somebody “special”, he pulls a 180 and it is over, with little remorse.
I am not sure the bisexual guy is a sociopath. Controlling? Yes. Manipulative? Yes. Cold? Yes. His controlling nature was shown in the relationship with his girlfriend. She knew he was bisexual. He was “allowed” to date one guy as well as her. She was not allowed to date anyone but him.
Those with Borderline Personality Disorder quite frequently are bisexual. Since BPD can easily be mistaken for Antisocial Personality Disorder, it is possible that a bisexual with BPD could easily be taken for a sociopath.
Of course, not all bisexuals are disordered. However, there seems to be something in their nature that precludes long-term monogamous relationships. They may be serial monogamous but often have short-term relationships that alternate between the sexes. I know one woman who fits this pattern. In our circle of friend, we would joke that odd year = man, even year = woman…
She is an interesting character — very driven, very egocentric, narcissistic. Quite possibly sociopathic.
Back to the bisexual guy. I did not see him for several years than ran into him at a gay bar. At first, I was very anxious. And a bit jealous as he was with this other guy that I found very attractive.
Interestingly, being NC for those years allowed me to see him in a new light. The hold was gone. The guy I had found to be very attractive and sexual seemed average now. I remember looking at him and shaking my head — what did I see in him?
At closing time, he looks at me and says: “let’s go home.” I found those words very interesting.
I left with the guy he was with. Not out of spite or anything. I just had no attraction to the bisexual guy anymore and when the other guy and I hit it off, I saw no reason to to go have a coffee with him.
For a year or so, I remained in contact with the bisexual guy, just as friends. He was of course after a bit more but he got none of that from me! Then, at work he met a woman and predictably, he stopped contacting me. He is now married with at least one child.
I would not be surprised that he has some “arrangement”, either known to her or not.
Skylar and newlife
Absolutely! He actually told me he put people in categories . I asked him what category I was in and he just rolled his eyes. He truly thinks everyone uses everyone and puts everyone in categories. I now know what category I was in. He never would have admitted it to me. He knew I would have walked away. They’re like clones.
I watched him put on a different face for a girl at the pool once. He was a lifeguard and she and her mother were talking to him about her becoming a lifeguard for the summer. It creeped me out. The guy is 48 and he morphed into a teenage boy right before my eyes. Ewww.
New life, and all….how about a blast from the past? Remember this old tune?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n4lGDV3cVo
BBE:
Something you said rang true with me…I don’t want to even see Scousepath at all because I feel like he will see me and think what you had thought about the bisexual guy…that he would see me as average now…what did I see in her? I don’t want to take that chance at all…I don’t ever want to run into him.