Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
mich,
I’ve been wondering where you’ve been…it’s great seeing you again!I’ve found that Lovefraud is the best place to “talk things out” to people who will understand”,so please keep coming back and reading and posting!
As long as you’re able to hear what spath is doing,that is a ‘backdoor contact’.To be completely NC,you must refuse to listen to stories of his ‘accomplishments’,even if friends are letting you know they feel these OW are inferior to you.They’re just “fanning the flames”.So no questions and change the subject,ok?! I guarantee you’ll have more peace of mind and feel less depressed!Then treat yourself for having gone completely NC!
Perhaps you haven’t found the right counselor.The person should be a compassionate listener;letting you do most of the talking.They shouldn’t place the blame on you but be able to discern how they can lead the conversation in a way that will address the issues that you need to talk about;eventually even going back to childhood.It should be someone who understands sociopathy…without you mentioning the word.Have you called your local domestic violence shelter?I’m sure they could recommend someone for you.
I’m sure all of us,at one time or another,have thought that falling in love with a great guy is the answer to our pain;our problems.But actually,unless we are fully healed from our spath experience,and we learn to love ourselves for who we are….we might as well be holding a neon sign that says SPATH TARGET.I don’t mean to make your pain worse;I just want you to be careful and focus on healing!
((( Hugs )))
fight,
Although your family is no longer there for you,you have a NEW FAMILY here at Lovefraud!As Dupey said,you are not alone!Cry if you need to,the release of tears and emotions can be very healing for the mind and body.Hope your finger feels better soon!Look forward to hearing from you,as always!
Thanks Blossom. One of my friends suggested I come back here because she is just at a loss for how to help me at this point. Nobody I know understands and even when I explain they still don’t get it. My therapist is ok, I have been to her in the past after my divorce and I am very comfortable with her. She is linking a lot of this to my childhood, but as far as I am concerned that is irrelevant at this point. I really just want the pain of him to go away. Why I ended up with him and fell for it doesn’t matter now. I will always be on the lookout for red flags and go with my gut in the future. I will never let this happen to me again.
I met somebody recently. I know him indirectly through the spath. They are not friends but their kids are and he does not like or respect him. I know he is a decent guy and he really likes me but I am not attracted to him. Probably because he will treat me good. He is the one giving me the information on the spath but he does not know how much he hurt me and I don’t want him to know. I am embarrassed. So, I listen to what he says and just kind of shrug and make comments like I don’t care.
I am reading another book. Psychopath Free. I don’t know if it will help but I am willing to try anything. I will start coming back here as much as I can, but sometimes it depresses me even more. Thanks for listening.
Mich, it’s such a hard road to travel. None of uswho have encountered these abusers and exploiters would deny that. It takes strength and resilience we didn’t know we could find at times to get from morning to night. It’s still so early in your recovery mich. You have experienced terrible trauma. Noone heals from such pain quickly. Be gentle with yourself. I wish you much courage and when you feel you have none LF is there…let it out, and put down the books on psychopathy if it does not help right now – I overdid that reading about 2 months nc too and it began heightening my anxiety so I switched to books on mindfulness and Viktor Frankl’s inspiring Man’s Search for Meaning. Hang in there mich. Take it easy, just one day at a time. God bless.
Blossom dear you are a ray of warm sunshine. Love to you.
Fight, you really arent alone! I had to sever contact with my two remaining immediate family due to the alcoholism and verbal abuse of one (my sister) and the enabling behaviour of our mother. Long story. But we are a long way from being the only ones , it’s just that most of us dont talk about it or tell white lies if asked about family to avoid having to reveal personal and painful histories to colleagues casual friendsnds hellen good friends I dont discuss it with really. If you have a partner thenthat provides ‘cover’ or if you have kids but if not – like me, like you, then yes it’s tricky. But don’t feel you are alone and don’t isolate! There are wonderful people out there who don’t pry and don’t judge. Many of us will experience living alone as we age, family or not, that’s à fact, and learning to do that well whilst still being welcoming of others in our lives is à challenge so many of us will face. Don’t be sad fight! Or rather, know we are herefor you when you are, and have this hug from me to keep you going ((hug)) x
Tea Light, so true. I struggle to get through each and every day. I was just hoping I would have felt better by now. I have never had such a hard time getting over a break up, not even my divorce, which was horrible. My ex husband had an affair with my best friend and he chose her. But he was not a spath and genuinely loved me and our kids. He just made bad choices. I want the spath to suffer and feel the emotional pain he inflicts on every woman that he choses to victimize. I caved in and snooped on FB a few weeks ago. The one I caught him with, that was the nail in our coffin, seems to be out of the picture. She either smartened up way faster then I did or he dumped her and moved on. I wasted 3 years of my life and feel like the biggest fool.
Mich0101 – I’m so sorry that you’re feeling bad. Please understand that this is part of the process and be gentle with yourself. My guess is that the numbness of the original discovery is wearing off and you’re moving into the real anger and pain of what you experienced. Please try to honor your feelings. There is nothing wrong, although it is certainly exhausting. But as you allow yourself to experience them, the emotions drain away. And that’s what needs to happen. You need to get the pain out of your system, and the way to do it is by feeling it. It’s best to do this privately, however, because other people get really distressed by it.
So I’d suggest that you allow yourself to feel the emotions for a certain amount of time – and then stop. Find something else that makes you happy, even if it’s simple like going for a walk. Make yourself do something that you enjoy.
One way to deal with anxiety and depression is exercise. Use your willpower and make yourself do something. It will help.
Good for you for getting rid of Simon. I am sorry it took 12 years for you to get out, but you are out now and you have your sanity and your health. So, again, congratulations. I was married to a sociopath and after two years of being on my own ran into an old friend who I knew in high school. I gave him a chance, but he ended up having the same sociopathic qualities. He came on strong at first, lied, and tried to control me. After two months, I said GOODBYE. I’ve learned my lessons. It started with the Instant Soulmate stuff and wanting to be together 24-7. My boyfriend broke into my email and Facebook accounts two weeks into dating. He was obsessed with the idea that I was “talking” to previous lovers. I did my best to be transparent. I told him everything. Even when I thought he was being overboard, I was honest. Then I found out he was calling and texting his ex-girlfriend who was a former crack addict who he said stole from him. When I caught him, he tried to lie his way out of it about 20 times. I got some version of the truth in the end and ended the relationship. He wanted me to move into his condo after two or three weeks of dating. I said NO. I’d already gone through a nightmare marriage with someone who wanted to rush into living together and marriage. It cost me four years of my life. But it was a lesson I’ll never forget. We want to believe the best. We get attached and it’s hard to let go. But we have to. These people do not change. I’ve had a weakness for con artists my whole life. Now I’m in my mid-forties. I finally said GET LOST to one of them after two months. I figure that’s growth. Good luck to you. Thanks for sharing your story.
Cassandrasdream – welcome to Lovefraud. I am so glad that you got rid of the most recent one so much more quickly. Once we know what the behavior looks like, it is very easy to spot.
Thank you, Donna. I like this web site a lot. I appreciate the honesty and courage in the women who post here. Yes, I did get out early on this one. I felt the same ramped up anxiety I felt in my previous marriage. I started to listen to it. That was the first sign: my mind and body literally sending me signals, my alarms going off.
I am still amazed at how textbook the behaviors are. I mean, both of these guys used the term “soul mate.” Both pushed for me to move in and discussed marriage after just a few weeks. Both showed paranoid and jealous tendencies very early on. Then within a few months both started deceitful behaviors and pursuing other women at various levels.
Our lives are only as good as the things we settle for.
Tea Light,
Thank you for the compliment!We’re all in this together and if I can help,that’s what I hope to do!
As for being alone much of the time,doubtless many of us are during our free time.My family lives in several states and I don’t drive nor can I afford to travel by bus or train.My girls are grown and have busy lives of their own.My friends are also busy people.I keep my mind busy.There’s not alot to do each day,but I’m enjoying Spring,and I love my puppy and I’ve learned to put floral arrangements together.Lovefraud is also important to me in my healing journey.
Thanks, Cassandrasdream. I hope to get educated and become as savvy as you are about spotting them and not getting entangled ever again. I may have got rid of “Simon” but I just keep finding out about more things he did. I recently found out he was seeing a woman just five blocks from our house. He was leaving work early saying his back hurt, and going to her apartment, which is in a run down building. I found her phone number and some condoms in his work folder that was still in my garage. Unbelievable. He got paid sick leave to go hook up.
Blossom, like you, I spend my free time alone mostly. I have no family in this state and I never had children. Luckily I work 6 days a week sometimes, so there isn’t much time to rattle around the quiet house. I got a Kindle and read lots of books, and check this site on the patio when it’s nice. It’s been a real life saver! I’m still pretty bewildered about the whole thing. A man at work commented the other day that I seem to be really doing well. I burst into tears and had to go outside to get a grip on myself. Does it ever fade?
Imarriedit, I was looking at kindles yesterday. I think I’ll invest in a basic model after dithering about getting one for a couple of years! The fact that you are enjoying reading is a good sign. When abuse is in our daily life the mind is so focused on trying to make sense of the senseless and on surviving the pain that there’s little space left for the small pleasures in life. Well reading is a big pleasure again for me as I am regaining my own identity. One of the triggers for me that causes anxiety and at worse fleeting moments of fear that he ‘wasnt that sick surely Im exagerrating to myself maybe he loves me there’s no perfect man I am too demanding maybe’ this kind of anxiety based nonsense that trigger is what we are talking about – too much alone time not spent in positive healing ways. I come to LF FAST when my anxiety starts talking nonsense. He was and is a petty destructivemonster and I am not letting that back in. Ever.
Donna and Dupey: Thank you very much. I am resting, having reactions to tetanus shot, and allergy shots, but eating and watching movies. But this web site is PEOPLE with big hearts.
Dupey, I will be 62 when I get my house paid off. I am probably moving away and back to the state I was ripped away from when I was 16. That was the beginning of my nightmare. I am so sorry about all of the horrible things that have happened to you. You are still here and I am still here and we are all still here. When I retire, I am going somewhere where I have a cousin who is my best friend in my old home state. I have four cousins there and their kids and soon their kids kids and I won’t have to say “no one” then when I have an emergency. Thank you all.
Thanks Donna. I truly appreciate all of the advice and support I have gotten here.