Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
aj,
You sound like you are well on the road to understanding what happened to you,and healing will come,too.Don’t punish yourself for not listening to your gut feelings in this case.Just listen to your gut from now on!Btw,I never was that fortunate.Spath kept life so chaotic and kept me so busy that I couldn’t think straight.Other people saw the truth;but not me.He brainwashed me into believing it was me and him against the world.
Tea Light,
Many times I have wished I had never married since my marriage was just a sham;a waste of the yrs of my life.BUT THEN I THINK ABOUT MY CHILDREN;now adults.I’m glad they are adults.But had I not married the spath,I wouldn’t have my daughters.I can say I did truly enjoy being a mother!And now I’m enjoying being a grandmother!
It’s wonderful that you have your daughters and now their children too Blossom, those years were not wasted, just overshadowed by your undeserving hypocrite of a ‘husband’. Now you are free to live in peace enjoying your grandchildren and putting yourself first, as you very much deserve!
You could also have had children with a normal person. There might even be a genetic factor, so I would not be that happy. Denial is not good before nor afterwards… So keep the eyes open.
Noone’s in denial. There is nothing to suggest Blossom’s adult children have inherited disordered personality traits. If a person has loving relationships with the children they raised with a disordered person that is a reason to be happy , I can’t see your point really Catherine to be honest.
“But had I not married the spath,I wouldn’t have my daughters.” Sounds to me like the denial of the fact that if she would not have had kids with the spath she would most probably have had kids with somebody else, plus that it is not clear that this disorders don’t have a genetic predisposition. I don’t think it is good news to have children with a spath. What it is good news is to have left it all behind and to have healed, that, definitely, YES.
Tea, thanks I’ll keep telling myself that tonight. I’m having a crap day. I am internalizing and have been thinking of instances where I went “crazy” Lying on the floor screaming and bawling, being SO angry that I wanted to physically lash out at him(and tried) the frustration I felt toward him was sometimes so overwhelming. Now that those emotions are fully in control I’m starting to feel so GUILTY and STUPID for acting that way…Is that normal? I’m hating myself for acting the way I did. He told SO many people how I’ve acted “crazy” and I KNOW I’m not…just full of a ton of self doubt and SHAME today:(
serenity,
Don’t let it get you down.Spaths excel at projecting shame at us;making us think we’re losing our minds…we’re the ones at fault…we’re abusing them,etc!Get you some post-it notes and write down as many positive things about yourself as you can.Now put them up in a spot that you pass many times each day.Don’t just read to yourself~~~read them out loud!
Thanks Blossom I will try that for sure!
Catherine,
Thankfully there hasn’t been any evidence of genetic predisposition to narcissic or sociopathic behavior in my children.My daughters have sweet,helpful personalities.One is a RN,one was a CNA before becoming a mother;now taking classes to become a social worker to help children,the youngest is also a mother and works in a factory.Yes,I could have had children with a normal father,but they wouldn’t have been THESE children!These are the children that kept my world and my mind together as I nurtured them!These are the children that helped me leave their father and pay for my cell phone and regularly check up on me!
Well, I am glad they are fine, but you will never know how others would have been. Still keep an eye on the grandchildren. I got to know later on that in the family of my spath there are also other cases, that’s why I am telling you.
Catherine your concern for Blossom’s grandchildren is noted. Thanks.
I suffered from an spath grandchildren. That’s why.
Catherine,
I’m sorry for whatever you’ve suffered,but you can’t judge every case according to what happened to you.You are preventing yourself from being able to truly heal and be an open person when you let these wounds fester.
Children born of “normal” relationships have disappointed their families;have gotten into trouble,have rebelled,etc.It’s not only the children and grandchildren of spaths.Yes,we are discussing sociopaths mostly here at lovefraud,but that doesn’t mean we have to be on the alert for attack all the time!There is joy in living too!
With a background in science I have trouble believing that a personality disorder is actually genetic. Its a nature vs nurture battle and I think nurture wins this one….
I also have been a teacher for a long time and have seen many disordered children with a variety of PERSONALITY and CHARACTER disabilities(not talking about learning disabilities here) and in my experience almost ALL of these cases can be related to what’s going on at home or in their social network.
My spath grew up in a war country, witnessed people killed in front of him, his mother abandoned him at 5, and had to flee his country to Canada where he grew up very poor and malnourished. Because of this he is SEVERELY disordered from PTSD and his brain is damaged from improper nutrition. Now I know he is an extreme case but I do believe that many of the spaths we read about on here have suffered some sort of trauma earlier on to cause their neuro pathways to fire the way they do and to remain that way permanently without a chance of neuroplasticity.
So I believe that if you have children with a sociopath that they are starting from square one with loving feeling brains….just like I believe spaths are. They weren’t born this way….they were traumatized and moulded somehow.
Just my opinion hope its not too controversial….
Thank you for your support serenity.Although genetics may play somewhat of a role,I do not feel it is a solo act.I feel that environment and lack of nurturing plays a big part in the drama.So many children have been emotionally malnourished,no matter what type of income or home they come from.If they do not get the love they need,they do not learn to love in return.If they are not shown empathy,they will not see the need to show empathy.If parents do not make time to spend with their children,children will naturally grow up to be resentful.And yet,some children work against a parents’ best efforts.Parenting can be both rewarding and frustrating.
Did anyone read We Need to Talk About Kevin? The nature nurture debate regarding psychopathy is at the heart of the story. Was the mother ambivalent or hostile to her son causing him to have a severe empathy deficit? Or was she ambivalent because she intuited that she had given birth to a disordered child? In my experience my abuser was clearly affected in very negative ways by his psychopath father his narcissist mother who abandoned him and his adoring grandparents who overcompensated by raising him to believe he was a little prince who could do as he liked and still be adored. And he did do as he liked, stealing money from his grandmother as a child, lying when caught, putting himself inreckless situations like on a collapsing roof ofa
….disused garage, fighting with other boys, inappropriate sexual behaviour ( his uncle found him drawing a naked woman in chains at 8 years old and was so disturbed he tore it up). But other children may have flourished in his situation, there are countless stories of people surviving childhood trauma without becoming sadistic violent or exploitative. It’s nature and nurture combined in my view. Siblings dont come lite of their childhoods carbon copies of each other. My sister is very different to me. Like our father she is alcoholic. I’m not. She choses not to work. My professional life is important to me. And so on. But our childhoods were the same,same problems, same opportunities. Different personalities.