Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Aj, your anxiety is completely understandable. But remember you have options here. He can’t persist in making unwanted contact with you without exposing himself to you going to the police and seeking a restraining order. Let him explain that to his wife as he may. I know thefeeling of powerlessness but it’s an illusion aj – you have options, youcan respond decisively to harassment, and if he does not pose a physical threat to you, then you have little to worry about. You have exercised your right to end the relationship. If he choses not to accept and respect your decision then the police will help him accept it. Be tough. Stand firm. Remember you have options.
aj – can you arrange to leave at the same time as a co-worker? Maybe someone can walk with you to your car.
I am kinda scared. I don’t know what he would or wouldn’t do. Nothing would surprise me. He was always overwhelming with his declarations of love or he was ice cold and gone. He called all the shots. He is emotionally driven…even if his emotions are fake. He acts on impulse and freaks out when he doesn’t get his way. He’s violent by nature…his job is violent. He hates the word no and thinks he is above the law…he pretty much is!
Normally I would get off work in 10 mins, but I’m working late today. So I can go upfront and look out the window and see if he is there unless he’s in a different car that I don’t know. He has access to lots of cars which he has used to spy on me in the past.
We all know how you feel we’ve all been there. I used to live on a first floor condo with sliding doors and I was terrified that he would show up!! One night someone ACTUALLY broke in to get into the building(she was drunk and just needed to get into her apartment) and I remember feeling RELIEVED that it wasn’t him!! Just a stranger PHEW!! Lol.
You will get through the day. The anxiety WILL go down. It has to. Have a GREAT Friday!! YEAH its Friday!! I don’t know if its nice out where you are but I live in Canada and its been winter for EVER and its sunny and nice out this afternoon!!
Thinking of you and hoping you get through your day Aj
aj,
I realize by now you’re off work.But if you feel jittery,you should make arrangements with a co-worker who works the same hours to escort you into the building and then out to your car after work.If there’s any suspicious activity,it should be reported to the police…with HIM named first on the list of suspects!
Remember,ALWAYS BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY!
Aj does new work for law enforcement? Why is he above the law?
Yes he does. He did not show up at my work last week; however, he has texted or called me every day saying “I miss you so much” or “I can’t stop thinking about you.” I HAVE NOT responded, but it makes me really nervous. I don’t know what he is doing. In the past he panics when I don’t respond, and he amps up his game…blowing my phone up, but his time he hasn’t done that. It’s just one text or call a day. Why does he keep on when I am not responding?
He didn’t show up… at least not that I knew. Thank God.
aj,
Glad you haven’t had a run-in with him yet;hopefully he NEVER shows up!Spaths like to arouse your curiosity and play games.He’s probably figuring he’ll have better success of hearing from you if he only texts you once a day rather than ‘blowing your phone up’ and annoying you!But look for that to change if he gets angry!That’s when you need to block him!
Today he left a 4 page letter on my car when I was at work. He said that he is “pretty sure” he is staying here and not moving away with his wife. He said he can’t let me go and that we are meant to be together. He said he will “fight like hell” to be with me. He apologized for everything saying it was all his fault because he was unable to make a decision…
I did not respond. So then he called, then texted, called a few more times, another text, calls, and then three texts saying that “…ignoring me won’t work. If you want me to leave you alone forever you need to tell me because I’m not going to stop if you don’t.”
I still have not responded. Am I doing right? He is panicking, and he is not going to go away. Should I wait until he comes to my work and forces contact or should I text him to leave him alone. He says if I tell him to leave me along he will “respect my wishes.” JOKE!!!!! Like he has ever respected my wishes!
It makes me so mad that he disappears from my life, devastates me, and then when HE decides and when HE is ready then by God we are going to communicate. It’s all about him having all the say and all the control! What do I do???
Aj your options are those you are already aware of, namely: a) continue to receive calls and texts that upset you and ignore them b) change your number c) download a free call and text blocking app if you have a smartphone and keep your number d) text the following ‘ (name of ex) I have made the decision to end my relationship with you. I want no further contact with you. If you attempt to contact me again I will view this as harassment and I will seek a restraining order against you’.
If you chose d) aj then you will need to follow through in the event that he contacts you. Words are not sufficient in these situations action is what indicates your intent and resolve. You can clearly see his manipulations. He is a married man who wants you to agree to continue to be his mistresses. You can agree totthat knowing it has made you deeply unhappy or you can walk free. By the way whatever he may think or whatever he may have told you, he’s not above the law. If you want him gone you can get that to happen. Have you considered sending his wife the four page letter?
I like the last option: “Have you considered sending his wife the four page letter?” 🙂