Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Blossom I had terrible nightmares last night about the Cleveland kidnappings. It has reminded me of the most deviant aspects of the abuser. He drew that picture when he was 8 of a naked woman in chains. I woke last nightfeeling really afraid, really cold. God bless the three survivors and the little girl.
Tea Light,
Sorry to hear about the nightmare;the triggering.That was a horrible ordeal for those women~~young girls to begin with.I feel so bad that Amanda Berry’s mother died while she was still captive.Atleast her little girl will know life beyond captivity!
I don’t know the address. I have looked for it but there is nothing. He started calling again early this morning. I sent him a text and said to stop. Do not contact me anymore. So far he hasn’t. If he continues, I will threaten to call his wife (even though I don’t know her number)or tell him I will get a restraining order.
Aj, well done, you must act decisively and without emotion if you want to get this man outof your life. That doesn’t mean you don’t have emotions , naturally you do, this man has trained you psychologically to put his requirements above your needs, by lovebombing you, issuing false promises etc. When the penny drops that we have been abused, not loved, the emotions run deep and high. But we need to keep them out of the actions we take to break free and protect ourselves. Be calm and ruthless aj – if he contacts you again take the letter to the police and show them the text you sent. Do not reply to any more texts from him – and they will come aj, more than likely. These controlling types don’t relinquish control because you ask them nicely too, you will have to enforce no contact with PERMANENT no contact and an RO if he harasses you again. As for his adress, the police will find it. He is not above the law, wherever he works.
I definitely can’t dwell on feelings and emotions. They are overwhelming. As abusive as he is it would be so easy to engage him and fall right back into that old pattern. The only thing stopping me is the pain. The last time he left I was literally devastated, and I cannot go through that again. This website has been a godsend. The stories and advice have helped me get through this painful time. When does the love stop? Does it ever really go away? I wonder if I will ever truly get over him.
You already are over him aj in the sense that you are not in denial now that this man can bring you happiness. Denial keeps us paralyzed unable to act to protect ourselves. When the denial can’t continue because they hurt us so badly we can’t pretend it’s not abuse any longer, then it’s very painful to make the adjustment from denial ‘ he loves me, it’s not his fault xyz happened’ etc, to harsh reality ‘this is abuse, he knows he is harming me and he is not going to stop, because he is narcissistic/ psychopathic and these are untreatable disorders’
It’s a hard road aj noone is going to pretend otherwise, these exploitative personalities do terrible harm. But you have made enormous progress in seeing this man’s true colours and in resolving to break free . He doesn’t own you or your future. You own both. Be strong.
Tealight
What happened to Louise?
Also, where is Oxy?
hey folks, ah,, iv’e been wondering where snowwhite went too. I havent seen her post since about a year ago. i’m curious cause what i went through would have been just about like being her husband.(my wife cheated with spath for about 20 months.) i hope she’s ok. hope your all ok.
sincerely
rgc
Kmillercats, hi, Oxy was on this week, she said she is logging in but lurking mainly. Louise, I wish I knew. She has not posted for weeks, she began counseling and posted that the first session had gone well, and nothing since. I miss her a lot and hope she’s focusing on her counseling and will get back to us when she can. Also, where is Truthy? I miss her presence here massively. Maybe after helping others so much on a daily basis it was time to concentrate on herself. I hope she comes back even just to say hi and that she’s ok. How are you kmc? x
Thanks, Tea Light
I always worry a little bit when someone drops off abruptly. Louise was discarded and having a hard time getting over it. A lot like mine. Truthy is so right on. Hope she comes back soon and Oxy feels like a comforting presence. Glad she is lurking. There are so many new people all the time. Sad in a way but, I know the problem is a lot larger than we think. It’s just not talked about because it’s so unbelievable what these people do. I just read Anthony’s story. Again, wow.
Hi kmillercats, tealight aj1202- I have heard from Oxy breifly this week. I hope she is taking some time to herself – as it will be much deserved.
I know that people sometimes come and go from the site – I’m a good example – I posted alot in 2010 and early 2011 – then felt I needed a ‘break’ from thinking about sociopaths (ha – see below!) I like to come back as I’ve still lots to learn and like to try and give support to some people who’re perhaps in the earlier stages.
aj1202. I’m sorry you are feeling such pain – its the worst kind of pain and anyone that hasn’t had a similar experience really won’t get it, but the LFers do understand and care what has happened to you and how you feel utterly destroyed.
It may not feel like it now – but the pain does recede over time and distance and ‘no contact’. First you will notice maybe a second or a minute that the pain has lessened, and eventually these small moments grow and grow together until eventually your life begins to fill up with happier and more secure times.
You can help yourself by trying to ‘make your small moment’. For many LFers all they could manage is a hot bath before sinking back into tears and depression. I remember that after the D&D from my 1st Spath all I could do that was pleasurable was go for a short walk and maybe stroke my cat. Even listening to music (I’m now in a band and cope with public performing) filled me with loathing and despair for months and absolutely couldn’t bear to even look at myself in a mirror. I really thought my life was over – but the small moments got bigger and I looked for more opportunities to just ‘be’. I’m now much more on my way – any collateral damange is more apparent to me than anyone else.
What are your moments aj? Notice them and I’ve love to hear about them if I’m on the site.
——————————————————————-However – CAUTIONARY TALE ON LEAVING LF;)
In my ‘break’ from LF in 2011 – I got tangled up with another one! Starving Artist type. This time I could see what he was much quicker and got away with much less upset and damage. Still – there’s always more to learn about how to protect myself and my loved ones. I let him use my place for 2 weeks and – yep 6 months later he was still there!!! LMFAO.
LF saved my life I’m sure it would have been much, much worse if I hadn’t been educated by the site before to have some idea of how to deal with him, tho I should have acted even quicker than I did.
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Blessings to all Delta 1
Delta – thank you so much for sharing your perspective – it is good for us all to hear.
Tea Light,
I joined this site because of this post. I felt the chills and had that eerie feeling that I have also married Simon when I was reading this post. Thank you so much for sharing this…
Why Why Why did I marry a Simon too? 🙁
-Disenchanted
Disenchanted, I didn’t marry the Simon! I was involved with his French equivalent!
Delta, thanks for this, I’ve been here since January’s and have already seen many regularsno longer posting or rarely and lots of new posters. As you say, it’s natural people will come and go as they need to. I still need to be reading here once a day, it’s just part of my day to day recovery. I went through a phase of being utterly sick of personality disorders from reading excessively. Now I’m more on an even keel and mix in my recovery reading with novels, factual books on art or whatever I’ve pickedup on amazon and I’ve got the balance right now I think. Plus over 2 months NC, so my mind isnt as stressed and in turmoil. My abuser is starting to feel more like a nightmare than an immediate threat. NC is really the answer.
Kmc, wow.. exactly! Incredible story.