Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
There have always been spaths and targets. The terms may have been different, such as gigolo/gold digger, he/she is using someone, they are crazy, they are dangerous; as well as less evil connoting terms; liar, phony, lazy bum, puts on airs, show off.
There were the psychopaths in the movies, the Jason series, Close in Fatal Attraction, Brando in Apocalypse and Perkins in Psycho. The terms psychopath/sociopath were used on the TV news or papers in describing mass murderers or particularly gruesome killers. But for the ‘person next door’, nope.
I never knew that the person I married was a sociopath. I knew he was hurtful, I saw he had a temper; he blackmailed me, I saw I should not have changed close when he was in the house; I knew that his behavior towards working was off the chart, I saw a person who regretted going to law school; I knew he had a different personality at times, I saw he minded his manners in front of strangers and company; I knew he could take advantage of me, I always saw the 8 year old with the red bike. When he died saw what he did and got away with, no matter how hard I tried to keep an eye on him, I still didn’t know he was a sociopath. I saw a thief, a forger, a fraudster, a cheater, an abuser, an unappreciative bastard, I saw a generic crazy person, an ingrate.
I didn’t know what a sociopath was or that he was one, until a psychologist spent months going over all of his emails, posts, third party records, and talking to people and was finally able to diagnose him as a sociopath. Diagnosing dead people is hard, but there are forensic psychologists.
I think that more people are recognizing spath relationships in part to the internet. With careful searching, at home, in much less time, you are bombarded. It takes time to find out what is valuable and helpful as opposed to irrelevant or just trash but not as much as goimg to the library and asking a librarian for help.
Lovefraud is great site. It is a place where help and opinions are available without feeling uncomfortable about asking questions. It is sad that so many people are here but much better than floundering and oblivious.
I wish that that internet and Lovefraud were around in the 70’s, because I had the inklings that something was just not right way back then, but he didn’t use a hose to clean the inside of a house, like the one ‘crazy’ person I knew did.
With sociopaths ignorance is not bliss.
Blossom, I was just reading that police found a supposed suicide letter in Castro’s home in which he actually blames his victims for their kidnap and torture because they g got into his car with him. There is also his Facebook page which was part of his mask of sanity, just posts about family and motorbikes …and praising God and Jesus. It’s too much. It’s terrifyingly what he did. Even when you understand a bit about psychopathy it’s difficult to believe he did this for that length of time.
Hi all The SP got a new number and called me. He left a message. I dont answer unrecognised numbers. He acts as if nothing happened. He called the church I belong t and talked to my director…still as if nothing happened. Said the wedding was off…and thats all. I called and found out that the warrant has been signed and issued. I hope they do something about it. This is crazy. He has moved on to another woman…well I use the term woman loosely because she is a tramp. She got involved with him knowingly when we ere engaged. The crackhead and the tramp…they belong together. I just want peace.
The wedding is off…really you can’t make these individuals up. Tell the police he is still harassing you Love. They have certainly dragged their heels getting his arrest sorted out but by the sound of it the wheels are in motion. How is your dog Love?
I hope they are finally moving on this. I underatand how abused women end up dead. My dog is doing wonderful Tea. He has his energy back. He is jumping on everything and bossing everyone around.
Aw! That’s good to know Love give him a hug from me
I feel alone right now. My friend, I think got upset because I hadnt been in contact with hiim and he wasnt able to get me. I dont know what he is thinking. I havent shared with him that I get depressed and kind of retreat within myself, that its ard to talk about it because I dont believe he is able to understand the way you all do. He doesnt know the stress I am under with my mom being so dependent upon me. She doesnt have to be, she chooses to be. It is a lonely feeling.
Love – do what you have to do for yourself. If your friend is a good friend, he will understand.
Hi Love – ditto Donna’s comments. If this friend is a good one he’ll understand.
I would like to share that i believe life ‘post-spath’ often involves a good shaking out of our friendship circles too. At a time when we are deeply wounded and search for love and friendship to find our safety net again – we find the love and strength of maybe one or two true friends and can be devastated by the neglect and betrayal of many others.
Sometimes the kindness of strangers i.e LF is the most healing of all.
I have less friends than before, but my friendships with those that remain are truer and deeper and I have LF when even they cannot understand what I’m going through. I hope you also find the friendship that you need and deserve.
Re ur friend – most people don’t ‘get it’ until they’ve been thru it unfortunately. Anyway Blessings Love – you need what you need, and that’s ok.
Delta1 x
Hello to all who know me and many who don’t yet. I am pretty new here. I love this site so much. It is THE most safe site of its kind I have come across. I cut my finger pretty badly a couple of weeks ago and typing is a problem still. I got the stitches out, but I have got swelling and some nerve damage.
TeaLight: I was very grateful for your statement that you come to this site every day for recovery. I have to say congratulations to you as I believe you are showing yourself the love you deserve by doing that. I have looked at some articles when my finger was in too bad of shape to type. But, I was having such a hard time not being able to type and be part of the discussion that it was tough! Everyone here is so supportive and comforting. I am so grateful I can type and hope my finger will get better than now quickly. It hurts to type too much and I “talk” a lot here!
Aj: I can almost feel your fear coming through my computer…we have all felt that fear and it is just the worst. The unknown…how far will he go. Is he there? Is he here? On and on. I am really glad for you, though, when I read your posts because I believe you are doing the right thing telling us what is happening and letting it out and getting support. I do have a suggestion: Do you have a video camera? I got one when a neighbor threatened me a couple of years ago and I have it with me just about every time I go into my back yard. It makes me feel a lot safer and it is also proof. I am also wondering if they might have cameras in the parking lot where you work? A lot of places do these days. Cameras are everywhere…on street lights, store fronts, and parking lots. If you had an idea of what time the spath is putting notes on your car and could get a still of it, that would be some great evidence of stalking. Also, if you carry a small video camera with you as you walk to your car, ready to get him on video, you would probably feel much safer and he might run away if he is nearby. To quote Dan Rather, “The Camera Never Blinks.” Being videotaped scares spaths to death.
It is true that people come and go in groups and websites. Hopefully, because they have found a better life through this site/group. I have referred some people to this site from another site where people were searching for help with books about spaths and narcissists, so hopefully we will get a lot of newbies like me who have found solace, serenity and safety here. Hope I can type more later. It’s like keeping a journal with very special people. Thank you all.