Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “IMarriedIt.” Names are changed.
Thirteen years ago, I was an attractive, confident single woman. I owned a small house with 2 cats & a dog. I wasn’t looking to date when I met a charsmatic man at work, Simon, or rather, he made a beeline for me. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating. He then chose the words he knew would reassure me, that we could spend time together as just friends, but it wouldn’t be dating. We did things together & had dinner as pals (so I thought). He amped up the charm and was likeable & witty, though I thought there was something a little strange about him. One night he rang my doorbell, saying his former girlfriend had thrown him out, putting his belongings in the front yard. They’d supposedly broken up but he still lived in her house.
Red flags ignored
WHY WHY WHY didn’t I tell him to go to a motel? My alarm bells were clanging like a ship’s bells approaching an iceberg. Why did I ignore them & let him come inside? He said it was late at night & he had nowhere to stay.
Well, he never left. He made himself my right hand man, helping with housework, mowing the grass, etc. I liked to hike with my dog. Really? So did he! I loved to sit on my porch & watch the sunset on a summer eve. Wow! He did too, & he loved talking for hours. We had SO much in common.
After a few months, I ran into the former girlfriend. She was a nice lady & gave me her number. She tried to warn me about Simon but I thought she was just bitter because they broke up. Soon, I had some serious reservations about Simon so I called her. She said Simon was really good at figuring out what you want to hear & that’s what he tells you. She said Simon had an anger problem & drove recklessly. He never felt bad about scaring her. After we were married, I noticed Simons’s road rage. He tailgated & flipped people off. Once, Simon tried to run a car off the road while I was with him, I told him never to do that— what if the other driver had a gun & I got hurt? Simon seemed exhiliarated & laughed at the fear on my face.
Sexual desires revealed
Former girlfriend warned me that Simon liked to do some kinky things in bed that she just didn’t want to do. While I was on the phone with her, Simon came in. He stared me down, arms crossed with eyes like lasers. He never said a word but I got nervous & ended the call. In hindsight, I see that Simon was running off my friends, becoming my everything & getting very controlling. He started bullying me so subtly I didn’t notice I wasn’t independent or confident in myself any more. I ran every little decision past Simon for his approval. Simon liked that. Once, on a flight, Simon remarked that he hated flying because he wasn’t the one in control. “I have to be in control!”
Within six months of meeting Simon, he was pushing to get married. I wasn’t keen on that but Simon kept asking. My red flags were flapping as if in hurricane winds. WHY WHY WHY did I say yes one afternoon? It was too soon, and some things were bothering me about Simon, such as his porn use, but I thought it was occasional so I didn’t make a big issue of it. I figured no man was perfect & we had so much in common. I’d never find that in anyone else.
Sadly, I learned after twelve years of marriage that Simon has accounts on several swingers websites & had been running personals ads for several years. He described himself as seeking, searching or looking for men, women, couples & transvestites. So my husband was bisexual & I found condoms in his shaving kit when he returned from a trip. I went through the agony & humilliation of getting tested for STD’s.
Wedding jitters
I was the perfect target for Simon; my family lived out of state & I had no friends left to take me aside & express concerns. Simon suggested a simple wedding in a Las Vegas chapel so that’s what we did. I felt nauseous & clammy during the brief ceremony, which I thought was just jitters. Walking the strip, Simon seemed really fascinated by the guys slapping the hookers cards in tourists’ hands, but I thought, aw, he’s a guy. Soon, Simon & I bought a bigger house with the downpayment from selling my little home. I also made Simon the beneficiary on my investments. Now I see how Simon used me financially.
Soon after our marriage Simon got in trouble at work for sexual harassment. Simon said he didn’t do it, it was just some disgruntled employees making up lies so I accepted his explanation. A few weeks ago, my friend told me he’s hit on her too, & she warned Simon to cut it out or she’d tell me.I learned more things about Simon. He said he’d always been the black sheep of his family & had got in lots of trouble as a teen. His sister accused him of molesting her. Their mother believed his sister so Simon hates them both. I think it’s a classic case of gaslighting because Simon blames his sister for reporting him & said his sister was mentally ill. Simon got in trouble for having sex with a neighbor girl too. After that, Simon’s father put him in the Army.
During our marriage Simon’s brother got upset because Simon owed him money & wasn’t paying it back. Simon said it was ridiculous because his brother was wealthy & didn’t need it paid back. He wasn’t concerned about the rift this put between him & his only brother. A man at work asked me to give Simon a message that he still owed him money. Simon said that was a lie.
Juggling me and the porn sites
Simon’s mask of mild mannered indulgent husband slipped pretty quickly & we had frequent quarrels. Simon went for days at a time not talking to me. I guess when he thought I was distraught enough, out of the blue he’d call my cell saying “Hello, wifey!” in a silky voice, like nothing happened. He acted loving & bought me jewelry until the next cycle. I think now he bought me jewelry because he’d cheated on me. Simon spent lots of time in the den on his computer & minimized the screen when he heard me coming. I googled Simon’s email & screen name & found his personals ads on some dating sites.Now I know Simon was juggling me & his hook ups too.
I developed a sleep disorder which affected my job. Since Simon’s moved out, I haven’t had trouble sleeping normally. Simon was keeping me on a roller coaster of anxiety. My charming, smooth talking husband was really a monster. Simon also gained a hundred pounds over time. The more I urged him to lose weight & take care of his health, the more weight he gained. Maybe he did it to hurt me, I don’t know.
Bullying and sexual harassment at work
A year ago, Simon’s brother told him their mother was terminally ill & urged Simon to go visit her. Simon said he didn’t want to, & his mom passed away a little later. Who could be so cold as to refuse to see their dying mother? I expected Simon to show some grief after her death, but he acted like nothing happened.
Simon recently got in trouble again at work for continual bullying & intimidation of his employees, & sexual harassment again. One of the females he sexually harassed was pregnant. I told Simon the she could’ve lost her baby from the stress he caused her & he said “Yeah right. Pffft. I never touched her or did anything they said. They’re all a bunch of liars & set me up.” There were several witnesses & the case against him was strong enough for Simon to get demoted & transferred to a town a hundred miles away.
Because of Simon’s misconduct again at work, we had to sell our home so Simon could relocate. I moved to a condo & Simon came “home” on weekends. I found females’ phone numbers in Simon’s suitcase & some DVD’s depicting bondage & violence to women. I finally told Simon I wanted to separate due to years of grief & misery with his cheating, bullying & deceiving me. I was also afraid of him now. Simon said phrases like, “There is no one else, I’ve never loved anyone like I love you & you’re the only woman for me.”
I thought he could change. NOT!
WHY WHY WHY did I give Simon another chance when he promised for the umteenth time to change? I really loved my faux husband & couldn’t seem to break it off. In a moment of weakness I let him come back. He actually had me convinced that long distance marriages can work, if our love is strong enough. Finally, the light bulb came on for me:
- Why is it a long distance marriage in the first place? Because he got in serious trouble at work for which he blames everyone else & is not sorry
- Why does my husband live in another town? Because he got demoted & transferred for hitting on women & being a workplace bully
- What a sorry excuse of a marriage this is, with us living apart & him visiting me on weekends & what is he doing Monday through Friday?
I found evidence he was juggling me & the hook up ads. This time I told Simon I wanted a divorce because I don’t think he’ll ever be honest or faithful or change the cold blooded person he is inside. He’s shown no remorse for hurting so many people, including the severe damage he’s done to me, his wife, & my ability to ever trust another man.
Divorced and starting over
Now I’m about ten years away from retirement, starting life over as a single woman supporting myself. My husband & I were supposed to be life partners & travel together during our retirement. It was all a big con by a sociopath, the appearance he wanted of a normal decent married man. I was just an arm piece & a source of sex & a good income. He never loved me, as evidenced by all the hook up ads, probable adulteries & even hitting on my friend soon after our wedding. His family has cut ties with Simon too, because he’s gone through three marriages, several girlfriends, & has burned his family too.
I looked at some pictures I took of Simon recently, & was creeped out by how he was looking at me. His eyes were predatory & he stared a hole through me. There was no tenderness in those eyes without a soul. He almost looked evil.
Looking for feedback
I welcome & appreciate any feedback! I’ve read the Lovefraud books & read the blog almost every day. I’m making progress from the paralyzing fog that barely let me function at work. My boss has been kind. I have many more good days than bad now, & am working to get back the strong, confident woman I started this story being thirteen years ago.
I still have the cats! “Living well is the best revenge” is my motto. I’m reading all I can find about sociopaths & am getting healthy again mentally. Please know that there have been times the web site & the books have kept me sane!
Hi fight, glad to hear you are on the mend and to have you back posting!
Thank you Tea Light! Your posts help me a lot.
Still hanging in there! He showed up at my house this past Friday. The one day I pulled into my garage and left the garage door up because I was only running into the house for a minute and then going to get my daughter from school. That is the day he shows up because he sees I’m home. I know he has been driving by just waiting for such an opportunity.
I didn’t answer the door. He started blowing up my phone. I didn’t answer that either. I thought he left, and I went to go pick up my daughter, and there he was! In my rearview mirror riding my bumper. He called. I answered and told him to leave me alone. He wanted me to pull over, but I didn’t. He said he’s now in counseling. He’s miserable. He loves me…can’t live without me. “Please give me another chance!” I told him he had lost his mind. Did he have a script on the car seat next to him because I had heard it all many times before. I told him to go be a dad to his son and a husband to his WIFE. That he would NEVER hurt me again, that I was DONE and it was OVER!
Then he started with the “But I love you!!!!” And I got pissed off. I told him he never loved me. He didn’t have a clue what love was and that by him saying that he loved me just proved what a crazy ass liar he was. Then I got off the phone.
I was a wreck! Then he texts me Sunday “Happy Mother’s Day”. I ignored. And yesterday he texted twice just to let me know he’s working on getting everything in his life settled so we can hopefully start over. We are meant to be together. Ignored.
I am somewhat concerned at what he might be capable of, but hoping he will give up. I know people say restraining order restraining order! But I work at a Domestic Violence Advocacy Center, and I know that after a restraining order or PFA order is filed, it is the most dangerous time for the victim. I guess I’m not to that point yet. I’d rather him be a nuisance than a real threat to me. Plus, if my ex-husband found out I had to file an order against him, I know he would take me back to court to get full custody of my kids.
Meanwhile I am moving on. I’ve met someone new that I am dating. It’s been the complete opposite of my past relationship with the psychopath. It’s helping me see what healthy dating and relationships start out as…slow and easy and FUN! This guy isn’t “too good to be true”, and he doesn’t claim to be my soul mate or want to marry me. He’s not possessive, and he gives me room to breathe!
I did however fill the guy I’m seeing in on what’s going on because I thought he should know that the psychopath is a potential problem and might possible try to destroy any future relationship I might have. As he always said, “If you are ever with anyone else, or if I even see you talking to another man, I would go crazy and kill they guy.” Is it just talk or did part of him mean it? That’s the thing. These guys love to keep you off balance, guessing, and questioning everything! It’s how they maintain control.
Did you say he was a cop? Did you know that you can call the police and ask them why he is stalking you and following you in their car? Or does he use his personal car on his personal time. I would definitely get a small video camera and have it on you at all times. You just flip it open and press record. I feel lucky, my narcissistic sociopath is more covert than overt. Protective Orders are free in my state. You just go to the Domestic Services office on a certain day of the week. Video is the best witness you will ever have after that. If your daughter is not his, I would also get a PO on her behalf.
Wow aj fantastic to read how you are dating and enjoying that. And congratulations on responding so firmly to your ex’s …well stalking, let’s call a spade a spade. You know your stuff on RO’s clearly ( and kudos on your work with victims of domestic violence), the choices you make are obviously going to be based on your professional experience and your own wishes but aj his behaviour is disturbing, particularly as this is (as my abuser is) a married man with a child. So he appears to either have rock solid conviction that you will go back to him and won’t take legal action or tell his wife, or he’s dangerously self destructive. I realised in my own case that my abuser knew his marriage was on the rocks even without his wife knowing of his lying to another woman that he was separated, pursuing me for months, introducing me to his creepy mother and eventually assaulting me. So whilst exposure would be unpleasant for him and would cause him financial inconvenience, at an emotional level for his wife to know the truth meant nothing to him. Even losing his second son in a divorce would mean nothing to him. Perhaps your ex is the same. The risk of exposure simply isn’t enough to keep himin line. That’s worrying, if it’s the case aj. Mine is in another country and I blockcalls, texts. and filter and no longer read email so he’s had nadda contact from me for over two months. This stalking you are being subjected to is obviously impossible to ignore . Don’t rule out getting the police out if he approaches you again. You aren’t likely to lose custody because you are being stalked by this creep.
I think our situations are similar in that he seems to be totally emotionally driven. He seems to throw out the baby with the bathwater when he is loosing control or feels he has no control. He seems to always want what he can’t have, and he is willing to throw away anything to get what he wants. He has jeopardized his job in the past…yes he is in law enforcement, and he does not care if I tell his wife. Now he might regret it later, but in the heat of the moment it is as if nothing else matters but what is in his line of sight.
He is still texting, keeping me posted on how he is doing everything he can to get his divorce so we can try again…as if! He texts that he misses me, and that he won’t stop trying. He hasn’t shown up at my work again…or my house, and I have not responded to any of his texts. I expect a visit soon, but I am hoping that he wont. I am hoping that he will just give up.
My daughter’s are not his daughters. They are from my marriage. My ex-husband knows that I had an affair, and he knows this man because he hired a private investigator while he and I were still married. Anyways, he has a lot of hatred towards him…and me (rightfully so). He has threatened me in the past by saying that I will not ever have HIS kids around this man because he is dangerous. So I have no doubt that if I end up having to file a protective order, and my ex-husband finds out, he will try to get the girls from me. We have joint custody now. Keeping my fingers crossed that it won’t come to that.
I am hoping and praying that, like someone else said, any kind of attention is good attention when it comes to a psychopath. They are like dealing with children. So…maybe it will be true if I ignore all behavior he will get bored and move on.
The man who abused me is pathologically control driven aj. The causes are glaringly obvious. His mother left him as a young child to live with her second husband. He saw her rarely during his whole childhood – he was taken in by his father’s parents. His mother talked up the relationship with her second husband as the romance of the century. This justified her leaving her child. The abuser bought into this, and basically has been taught by his mother that his happiness is paramount. He can do as she did – he can leave his young sons if he is ‘not happy’. That’s fine. She is a narcissist.
His mother leaving him at such a young age has left him with this pathological need for control of women.It’s pathetic, it’s so text book. The man has absoluytely no self awareness whatsoever. Since the death of her second husband three years ago ( the abuser’s great rival for his mother’s attention and love ) the abuser has moved her into a flat he selected – three minutes walk away form his own home. This is not because he is a devoted son wanting to care for her in her old age, she’s now 70. She hates the town he lives in, she is bored to death, constantly complaining she misses her life in the town she and her second husband lived in. He insists she stays, that it is best for her, because he wants control over her now that he did not have as a child.He professes to love her but there’s an obvious element of hostility under the surface. He suppresses that, and acts it out openly in his relationships with his wives / partners.
Also, his father modelled violent controlling behaviour to him – breaking his mother’s nose, hiring prostitutes into the house when just he and the abuser ( as a young teen) were present, punishing his step brother by killing the child’s cat in a washing machine. Psychopathic behaviour, in other words.
He didn’t really have much of a chance, but I don’t say that with any pity or compassion for him whatsover. He callously walked out on his first wife when their child was only 9, the reason he gave me was – no joke – that she did not do the dishes often enough, and that she hated his mother because she was ‘jealous’ of their close relationship. Hmm. He also basically told me the last day I spent with him that he had insisted on s&m activities with his first wife ‘but our son was always asleep ,so there was no problem’. The wife and son ended up homeless for four years during the protracted divorce , living in a refuge. Both hate him, he freely told me that, and the son hasn’t spoken to him for 7 years. He just blames the first wife, it’s incredible.He refuses to cook and clean for himself and various women have lined up to provide these services for him his whole adult life.
Whilst the divorce was happening he trolled for a new wife. Someone he could control even more than the first wife – so he picked a much younger woman, who would move 3000 miles from her own country to live in his, without being fluent in his language, few job prospects, totally dependent on him financially. When she has their child according to him she ‘stops loving him’. This translates as ‘our baby / young child took precedence over me and that is intolerable to me who needs attention all the time’.
This is how he justfied removing his wedding rine and targetting me, pretending he was seperated. He then has three women under his control – his wife, who cooks and cleans and has no life outside their apartment, his mother, who is bored to death in her apartment and cooks for him when his wife escapes to her parents for a few weeks – and me, who he lovebombs with several calls a day, thousands of emails, texts,presents, and then holidays, during the last of which his mask fell off and I saw his true self …a nasty, overgrown, aggressive, frightening 49 year old spoilt child who fears being alone, smothers with intensity and demands for constant sex, adulation, attention, feeding.
I’ve never known anything like it. Personality disorders were the stuff of crime shows on TV and psychological thrillers for me until I was targeted by this man.
Like you AJ, I’m now hoping he just goes away, permanently. Two months of NC and already my mind is being restored to me, and there is no, absolutely no, good memory, or desire to ever have any contact with him again.
I keep repe4ating much of my story on LF, sorry all. It helps, to make sense of what happened. It already seems so unreal.
Tea Light: I had not read your story yet. Thank you for sharing it.
I feel so alone right now. I am beginning to doubt whether my friend is really a friend anymore. I just want to seclude myself in my room and not ever come out. I feel so alone. I have to watch and beware evrytime I leave my house. Those who know are nervous around me … I feel because they keep asking what they should do if the sp shows up. I feel like they would rather I not come around at all. I understand what AJ means… the most dangerous time is when you have filed a stay away order. I have decided to wait until they arrest him, if they ever do. Sometimes I feel that the law is there to protect the sp and not me. I dont know. I just feel alone. The people who were there for me in the beginning are not there now. They say things like..”do what’s comfortable for you”. None of this is comfortable. My life isnt comfortable.
LoveSucks, I wish there was an easy fix for the “aloneness” you are feeling. Everywhere I go, I wonder if he is going to show up or if he is watching me. I can’t imagine what it would feel like if I felt like I couldn’t leave my house. My closest friends know what I’m dealing with. They say, “You can come to my house and stay if you need a safe place”, but I know I would never do that because I wouldn’t want to put anyone else in his line of fire. I was very nervous about telling the new guy I’m dating about the situation because I was afraid he’d be like…too much drama for me and bail, but he didn’t.
Please try not to isolate yourself, even though it’s hard not to. This is a batterer’s number one abusive tactic. If your friends are true friends they will want to be there for you, and you need to let them to some extent. You might also try your local domestic violence advocacy center. I know we offer free counseling as well as free DV support groups. Support groups are very helpful because you will be around other women who experience similar things, and you can be there for each other. It’s just an idea.
In the mean time…I always remember, “This too shall pass” and “Nothing lasts forever”. Things won’t always be the same and you will come out victorious and much stronger. Try to find a way to turn your experience into a way to help others who are dealing with similar issues. Volunteering at a crisis line or DV center is a GREAT way to take your bad experiences and use them in a positive way. Great rewards come from helping others. Hang in there!
LoveSucks: It is a terrible place…that loneliness you feel. I won’t speak for all, but many have felt it. I feel it a lot and am very isolated. I have found that reading and watching old movies and embracing being alone can be very helpful. Sort of a thinking that I try saying to myself: Today, I am choosing to do this (whatever activity) alone and I can relax and do it. I am agoraphobic at this point, so have to tell myself that a lot. Tea Light’s suggestions about completely blocking are great to remember for all of us. I think it is really important to know that Sociopaths enjoy both bad and good reactions. They both feel good to them…any attention is good attention in their minds. So responding to them personally, even if you are telling them you don’t want them around, is enjoyable to them. Contacting them at all is like telling them you want them in their brains. If you truly want them out of your life, you have to block and never talk directly to them. Call the police. Call and file something (and it is true that statistics show that is the time to be most aware of danger) if you feel you can do that. But, just blocking them might make them move on to something else. They won’t be getting enjoyment out of your distress.
Love we are here for you. Call the police and insist they arrest your attacker. Get legal representation. Call a domestic violence helpline for advice on getting the arrest to happen. Refuse to be brushed off. Be calm. But insist the police follow through on the warrant. You are the victim of violent assaults the last with a knife. The man is a serial offender. Point all of this out to the police and record your call to them on your cell They are worsening your trauma in their tardiness in arresting this violent criminal who is a risk to you and other women whilst he enjoys freedom he does not deserve. Perpetrators of domestic violence such as you suffered are serious criminals and are dangerous. Point this out to the police. Tell them you are cooking at filling a complaint against them for failing to protect you. Fight for your rights Love. Focus on your knowledge that you are the victim of violence and that you are sharing great strength and determination to get justice. Walk your dog. Go to the cinema and watch a light film. Read. Cry when you want to. If others don’t get that you are traumatised then put them on the back burne. You need ti focus your energy on you and you need to get into counseling. Get back on the case with finding one that your insurance covers. Love to you Love
aj: Tea Light is giving good advice. Don’t get caught up in his adrenaline and block him for good. You are dating someone new and if you are not trying to get back with the spath, it’s time he feel some heat. If he is in law enforcement, did you know that citizens are allowed to call their local FBI office and file a report that their local police are not protecting you from one of their own? The police are dragging their feet because he is one of them. The FBI will investigate them and him if they get a complaint that they have a lemon and they are not making him follow the law. Also, take photos or video of him following you and at your front door. Call the FBI.
Hi all,
Nothing has changed. They still have not found o arrested the SP. I am so depressed about this. I always felt the the police/law was there to protect me and I feel like I was wrong. I am just trying to accept the fact that he will get away with this again. I pray he doesnt try to hurt me again but I cant rely on the police to help me. It’s just domestic violence…it means nothing to them I try to get help from therapist and cant even get an appointment because of insurance or whatever.
LoveSucks: I think I am confused. Do you have a protective order against him? If his cop friends aren’t doing anything about the stalking, contact your closest FBI office and file a report of police misconduct. Let them know you have a PO and the police are not enforcing it because he is a cop. If possible, send a fax. I find that faxes are still the best way to communicate. You have proof it was received and they have a piece of paper on their desk so have to do something.
Trying calling the following resources for inexpensive, and possibly free counseling: Your local Domestic Violence organization will have counseling and groups for abused women. The local branch of the Mental Health Association will also have counseling and groups for anxiety, women in transition, or something you can go to. Your local YWCA may have pro-rated counseling. Many of the YWCAs have counseling and support for women who do not have adequate insurance. All three of these agencies will have assistance on site or referrals for inexpensive therapy. I have often gotten better therapy for free, or prorated through both the YWCA and my domestic violence organization. Where I live, the domestic violence organization also helps victims handle protective orders. Hope these ideas help.
Fight, you’re conflating aj’s situation with Love’s. Aj has the ex in law enforcement who is stalking her. Love is the victim of serial violent attacks. He’s awol and the police obviously need lessons in doing there job in this case. Love do you know where your attacker is? He has family very near you right? A sister? Have the police questioned her? You must receive counseling, please follow up fight’s suggestions. You can do this, unwell though you are, you need to do something each day to obtain counseling until you get it. We can’t do that for you. You must do it for you or get your mother or the friends you had dinner with to do it. And ask your victim advocate to pursue the police if you feel unable to. Keep fighting.