By The Front Porch Talker
“Who in the rainbow can draw the line where the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? So with sanity and insanity”¦the soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.” From Billy Budd (Herman Melville).
We all live the lie sometimes: everybody lies. Lying is part of the American social contract; a matter of civility and manners, in some circles. Culturally, we even eschew the truth sometimes, equating it with rudeness. Who wants to hear that they are looking old or that their appearance is less-than-stellar? While our American cultural values appear friendly—albeit naïve—to the world, we are fiercely private and “independent” about our deeper feelings. Nobody wants to seem powerless or out of control.
We all know why we lie: because it is convenient; or, maybe it is easier just to keep the peace—so we believe. Sometimes we lie by saying that everything is just fine when it really isn’t. We tell our friends that we are just fine to signify that our real feelings are private. I do feel a little better now, just saying I’m fine. In turn, they tell us the same lie—it’s quid pro quo social management. Sometimes we lie to protect others from our reality; or, to protect ourselves from our own reality. We tell ourselves that we should be fine and that by saying it aloud we will be fine.
The truth is: not all lies are equal. Some people lie because they can and because it serves them in some way. They don’t live by social rules—or any rules, except as it harms us and benefits them. They are not part of the social contract of civility or convenience. They are “people of the lie,” as Scott Peck calls them in his book of the same name. They are the narcissists and sociopaths who live among us, undetected, and wholly without a conscience. They imitate our emotions to fill the vacancy of their own. They pretend to care, to have feelings of remorse even, if it will serve their own ends.
Sociopaths run the gamut of the danger zone—from the trusted partner or friend who steals your identity and every dime you have, to the person who commits violent acts against innocent people who “trusted the wrong person.” They are the “people of the lie.” They will take everything you ever had, including your dignity, then move on to the next person, leaving us to wonder: what could we have done differently? But even that is part of the manipulation. The truth is: there was nothing you could have done, or that anybody can do, especially if they are well adept at evading the law, which most of them are.
They hurt everybody, and because we would like to believe that they are “just like us—”you know, with morals and a conscience, they continue to offend. I have known more than my share of sociopaths and others who have no discernable conscience. I’ve spent half of my life blaming myself for “letting them” harm me and people I’ve known. I always wondered why sociopaths do what they do—it’s because they can.
I am thinking now of the anniversary of the month that my college student was murdered, back in 1993. Lisa had been moving from one apartment to another, and had solicited the help of a stranger. It had been a violent death: and, it is still unsolved. She was only twenty-two years old at the time.
At a memorial service for Lisa I read the following quote, which I’d written as part of a eulogy for her.
“Who in the rainbow can draw the line where the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? So with sanity and insanity”¦the soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.” From, Billy Budd (Herman Melville).
The truth is: we don’t know exactly where one color in the rainbow ends and the next begins. It seems that I’ve learned a lot about the colors, which I’d like to share with you. From Lisa’s death, I learned that fear is a good thing, unless you run with it. Many of us see a person whom we fear, for whatever reason, and we bypass our intuition to let them in.
For all the violent events that I have witnessed in my life, I will name a color. Yellow is for all the charming sociopaths who made their way into our apartments, and ultimately into our lives, then betrayed us—or worse.
Red is for the raging friend in high school, Barbara, who beat-up another girl, Aileen, in my presence and in the presence of the whole school. Aileen later died of a concussion. Barbara was never charged.
Green is for Tucson, Arizona where I witnessed a murder and a near-murder. For the man who lived next door to me while I was in graduate school—a gun lover. I heard the gun go off, then saw the man dragging a woman across the bare parking lot. I reported this to the police and even showed them a puddle of blood in the parking lot, but nothing was ever done.
The Green near-murder would involve me. While living alone in Tucson in a big house on Speedway Avenue, near the center of town, I was interrupted from my writing one day. My dog never barked. Something just told me to walk through my fenced back yard and look over the gate to the narrow space in the side-yard. A man was attempting to hoist himself up and into my kitchen window. The press had called him “The Prime-Time Rapist.” As my dog and I stood there staring, in shock, he jumped down and stared back. He was maybe twenty feet away. The moment we locked eyes was the pivotal moment. We both ran, in opposite directions. That night, he was gunned-down by the police.
Purple is for the female sociopath who stole my identity and everything I had in my life, then changed her name and found somebody else to steal from. I had been a “trusted friend” for over ten years. I had helped her through her years of disability. I knew her children and her grandchild. But nothing in the world prepared me for what she would do to me. I lost my job, my retirement account, my house, and all the money and credit I had worked so hard to earn, all because I had trusted a sociopath with a very long history of scamming people.
The most difficult part for me is the trail of tears we leave behind with all of this unfinished business and grieving—for what never was. Sociopaths steal our innocence, and perhaps our naiveté too, for no particular reason and with no particular meaning. They leave us unfinished too, at least privately.
Unfinished, but not defeated. We look to some higher power to finish what we cannot. We know that pain is inevitable in life—for all of us. But suffering—that is optional. We love who we love, because we are human and we have a conscience. We love people imperfectly, then when we’ve held too long to the outcome drawn somewhere in our imaginations, we detach with love and let go to a power that some call God. Fly high and free!
In the end, I tell myself this: there are plenty more colors in a rainbow, if you look closely. Some are nuanced or muted; some appear tinted at different angles, with more or less light than when you first had seen it. Some colors form hazy borders about exactly where the colors become “blendingly into the next,” just as “sanity and insanity does.”
Truths are blendingly complex too—a sign of intimacy. Whatever we reveal to others we are also revealing to ourselves, simultaneously. The pain is tacit and unspoken. But paradoxically, we are freed of suffering and that need to control or soften things with our lies. The only truth that we can know for sure borders on solipsism: that we know that our own mind exists; all else is speculation, at best. We can only know our own private and ineffable experiences of what is or isn’t the truth. The rest is beyond us to know for sure.
And, I will repeat the words I began with: we can never really know what is in the hearts of others. We can hope against hope, but never know for sure.
I will never be the same trusting person I once was. Thank God. The muted pinks and blues and greens are becoming clearer, with more defined lines now. I know that it’s time to finish my novel, and get on with the business of living, and to honor those who, for whatever reason, weren’t as lucky as me and didn’t survive.
We may not ever really know what is in another person’s heart, but now—now that we’ve seen that vacant look; and, now that we’ve heard the superficial stories and lies that never did quite add-up, because they didn’t. Now that we are older, and probably wiser, we can cut through the artifice, the faker, the liar and cheat, the approximation of humanity—like butter, and spread it over so many slices of proverbial bread.
darlin Oxy, I can’t forget the BRAVE women of inner city Belfast, the Shankhill AND the Falls Road, on BOTH sides of the peace wall, going to work every morning into offices (whose doors stay locked at all times) with TV monitors so they could see if a hooded man is trying to get in where he does not belong and the whole time sitting at desks with blood on the carpet next to her because a colleague was gunned down in that very spot, the bullets missing her by a hair.
Answering the phone, trying to help an ex-combatant and his wee family find a flat that is safe from death threats, the whole while she is hoping the ringing phone is not another bomb threat. Then they go home and iron LOADs of wash that they have taken in because their man is just out of the prison and is on the dole and there is not enuf money for the family..
these are true accounts and not the whole story of the brave women of Northern Ireland and I’ll be fecked if I am going to sit here and WHINGE at my lot in life…
Women run the world. We cannot afford to be broken. We take everyone down with us when we are.
We MUST STAY STRONG LADIES!!
We must. And I am done venting. Thanks for listening.
Dear Adamsrib,
I don’t discount the pain we feel at all….I used to, and feel ashamed of myself for feeling Abused or used, until I read Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s search for meaning” which he wrote about his time in the Nazi prison camps. He said how that pain acts like a gas,, it EXPANDS or contracts to fell the entire vessel in which it is contained, totally, so my pain is just as total as his was, even though maybe my circumstances are not or were not as bad, still my pain is total.
I don’t discount anyone’s pain here in the least, we have all experienced TOTAL pain, but at the same time I think I do need to count my blessings.
I lived in terror of some one trying to kill ME…so I can relate some to the living in the shadow of death…but at least I knew WHO was out to get me and why, it wasn’t a random thing, or a thing that went on forever or decades.
I worked with a doctor and a nurse here in US from Northern Ireland and they married and had to move out of country to be safe from both their families.
I’m just determined now to make the best that I can of my life and enjoy the blessings I have been given by God and to share then with others to the best of my ability!
Good morning, I’ve got a few minutes before the phone rings and the morning gets going. This is the most interesting thread, and I think that it’s a real triumph of “authenticity.” We talk about what we did, how we felt, what was behind it in our desires, and all the wierdness that just seemed inexplicable at the time (and still does, though we give ourself power by naming them sociopaths).
There’s a group of comments here that — from my point of view — seem connected.
— Attraction to “strong and independent” people
— Willingness to tolerate what we don’t like or don’t understand
— Fear of seeming strong or independent ourselves for fear of being censured or sabotaged by people who are envious or intimidated
My beloved sister — who has gone through her share of these relationships — once said to me, “You tell me to stand up for myself. But everytime I do, it just gets worse.”
And I know what she means. In relationships with people who only feel comfortable when their egos were stroked or, worse, when they felt superior or in control of my feelings and behavior, any expression of independent need or thought was a dangerous thing. I could expect a completely irrational verbal attack or sometimes a cold withdrawal that left me without any positive attention. Or it could get physical. I’ve been hit. I’ve had my possessions destroyed.
But here’s the thing. Their power is directly related to our dependence. If our happiness depends on their attention. If our survival depends on their willingness to cooperate with us (as with a boss, or a marriage where our finances are totally enmeshed). If our sense of ourselves depends on other people’s good opinion of us.
As communal and empathetic people, we’re naturally sensitive to whether we’re “in” or “out” with the group. And there’s a natural fear of being “out” to the extent that we lose group support. It’s built into us as part of our survival mechanism. It’s one of the reasons that shame is such a powerful feeling. It originates from a hard-wired survival need for community. It’s a deep inner voice that warns us that our behavior may be causing us to lose the loyalty of our community toward us.
But, and this is a big but, if we’ve been brought up to believe that acceptance is ONLY won by making other people feel comfortable, then we have ONLY gained social skills in the realm of mirroring and feeding other people’s needs. That makes us very good at some things — like being professional helpers, like dealing with people with profound insecurities (which includes people who appear to be very strong because they’re so controlling), and accommodating ourselves to very selfish people.
We can become hugely strong in these skills. Very intuitive. Very aware of other people feelings and motivations. Very proactive in recognizing other people’s needs and getting them serviced fast before problems occur. And even getting some goals of our own met by becoming so essential in other people’s lives that we find some security and decent repayment.
But the downside is that we’re always dependent on their response to us. Our first job is to manage them — their expectations, their feelings, their moods, their goals, etc. What we want becomes something to be worked on, only they’re satisfied. And we live with a level of anxiety that can flare up, anytime it seems like our relationship with them is weakening.
This is a virtual definition of living as a “people pleaser.” And the craziest part about this is that, if we treat people like this, and they’re not abusers to begin with (and some people aren’t), we are encouraging them to be abusers. Because we are stating that our goal in life is their happiness. It’s understandable that we do this, if we’ve been brought up this way. Unless we communicate just as clearly that we expect the same in return from them (and frankly, there are better ways to run a relationship, but at least this gets the “deal” out on the table), we’re the ones who are defining of the rules of an abusive relationship, saying “Use me. I don’t have anything more important to me than you.”
Whole, healthy people are primarily engaged in creating their own lives. In relationships, they share their lives — thoughts, feelings, activities, plans — but they never lose a sense of ownership.
Even with children, if we can’t hold onto our sense of ourselves, we cannot be models of healthy dealings with the world. In fact, as parents, if we are chronic self-sacrificers, it’s very likely that we are modeling the impact of those behaviors on our emotional systems, and passing down the various “family curses” of self-sabotage, passive-aggressive manipulation, etc.
So how do you get out of this? Well, we screw up our courage and do the “forbidden” thing of talking about our own needs and working (fighting, if necessary) to get them met. When we first start doing this, it can be awkward, since we imagine our needs to be related to other people behaving in certain ways. I went through this with my ex, the sociopath, telling him I wanted him to “act like” he actually loved me and cared about how I felt. It seemed logical at the time, although what I got back for my efforts was a lot of sneering, telling me how pathologically needy I was, and some wooden pretending to care.
I went through a lot of hell with this man, feeling like I was being starved emotionally and literally breaking down for the lack of positive reinforcement (because I was totally dependent on other people’s view of me at the time). It was only when I was healing after the relationship ended, when a friend asked me, “Kathy, when are you going to start being your own source of affirmation?” that a lightbulb went on in my head. This dependence on other people’s response to us is the meaning of “giving power” to other people. My okayness with myself had been dependent on my okayness with him.
So he was the wrong person to be emotionally dependent on. We know that. But is there ever a right person? And I would say — look at the question. If you can’t be your own best friend, if you need affirmation from outside sources to feel like a good or attractive or lovable person, if you arrange your life so that other people like or want or need you, if you’re vulnerable to ego meltdowns if your supply of external reinforcement dries up, then what are you setting yourself up for?
There’s no question that as communal people, we have to find people and circumstances that we can trust. And that our comfort — both emotionally and physically — depends on having “contracts” or commitments that we believe we can depend on. But as adults, we also know that everything passes. Things do change. The only thing in the world that is in our control is our relationship with ourselves. And as things change — as they will in large and small ways every day of our lives — our ability to recognize and respond to these changes depends on our commitment to what’s important to us and our sensitivity to our own feelings.
As I wrote earlier, the foundation of true compassion for other people is compassion for ourselves. Likewise love. Likewise understanding that sometime we all have to take care of ourselves first. It gives us the mature ability not to take things personally. It also gives us the strength and confidence to draw lines and say, “This is not okay with me.” And to be willing to cut our losses and walk away from anything, if it appears to be an unfixably bad situation for us. As all of us have learned at one time or another, that willingness to withdraw our support from a relationship can be a powerful trigger for change, if change is possible.
All this is very theoretical, I know. But here are some phrases that you might say, if you were operating from this self-first orientation:
“Here’s what I want..(in my life)”
“I have a request to make (of you)…” BTW, requests can be granted or not. But if the other person says no, then you have to get that need met elsewhere, and reconsider the value of this relationship to you.
“This doesn’t work for me. I want something different.” The more specific you can speak about what you want, the better.
“If this doesn’t change, I don’t want to participate in this anymore.” This is “brinksmanship,” but that is a cynical way of talking about it. This really just drawing a boundary line, based on what you feel is good for you and what isn’t.
And on the positive side, rather than flattering someone for their looks or character or how they do things (which often seems manipulative), it can be a lot more helpful to the person and to relationship to give positive feedback about what something meant to you.
“It really helped me when you…”
“This relieved some of my anxiety, because I was afraid that…”
“I never thought of that, and it changed the way…”
“Gosh, that was exactly what I needed to hear right now.”
“When you do …., it makes me feel so ….”
All of this shares what something meant to you, which is very different from flattery, which has a quality of “judging” that other people, even if you’re saying something positive, may find intrusive or disrespectful. Especially if they are their own primary source of affirmation. Feedback is actually a gift that lets them know how they’re doing in the world (or with you), that they can use in figuring out what to do in the future.
Finally, the concept of “good for you” is not just about what makes you feel good, though it might seem so when you first start thinking and talking like this. At a deeper level, it’s about living in a way that reflects your values, your vision of what your life and the world in general should be like, and your ideas about what kind of person you want to be, and what kind of effect you want to have on the world. These are big questions, but the answers are already inside of you. All the pain we go through is, arguably, caused by the self-hating ideas and emotional knots that are keeping us from this wisdom and its action on our lives.
And so, the battle here is not against the predators, though that is where it begins, it is against the factors in ourselves that keep us from being who we truly are. Not what we could be. Not what we might be if we beat ourselves up and work like dogs to look and act like we think we’re supposed to. But who we really are right now — brave, confident, aware, compassionate, strong, certain of what we want and where we’re going. The real work is to clear away what’s keeping us from knowing our real selves.
It takes courage and vision to even believe that this is true. Especially when our formative influences — family, church, culture, schools — seem to conspire to make us insecure and dependent. But if you even consider looking inside yourself for your own affirmation, your own belief that you’re worth something and that no one knows what you need better than you do, you’re on the way.
Love —
Kathy
P.S. There are a lot of genuinely strong and independent AND self-loving and compassionate people out there who are willing to allow a relationship to grow gradually into trust and commitment, when we’re ready to be like that too.
And you do a BEAUTIFUL job of it Ox.
In no way am I trying to discount mine or any other person’s pain. Hope that is clear. I just get sooo frustrated at myself (and I hear the same frustration in others) that I want to scream because I KNOW BETTER!!
Your doctor and nurse friends more than likely are a “mixed couple”, A Protestant and a Catholic married to each other. Depending on what part of NI they are from ( and what time of the year it is), it could be life threatening. BUT it is getting better but not resolved. Like the Middle East there is NO END in sight.
This is why I try very hard not to develop the tit for tat mentality in my own little acre. Sometimes we HAVE TO FIGHT, like we were telling a poster last week. It is the spath or us and our kids. US vs them. They are the enemy.
As much as I hate to think like that, it is necessary.
I am SOOOOO thankful that I have older sisters who can see when I am wimping out and they kick my ass (with a skillet) 🙂 and tell me in no certain terms to “suck it up”!!
I love them but sometimes, I need a gentle place to go and I find that here.
Sorry if I am the big sister today 🙂 I try to be the gentle one as much as possible but when I see MYSELF and my LF peeps letting the bastards win it raises the temp in my Spanish/Irish blood. What a mix eh? OYE!!
God Bless ya Ox!!!
Dear Kathy,
I think this is THE BEST piece you have written, it should be an article not just a comment!!! GREAT ADVICE!!! It says what we need to keep as the “take home lesson” from our experiences with not only the psychopath(s) in our lives but from life itself.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
Thank you, sweet Oxy, for the feedback and for all you do here. Everytime I come back, I see you here, still dispensing good advice, still supporting people in pain, and it makes me want to reach out across the wires and hug you. If I touched you, I’m honored.
Kathy
The truth is something we have allowed to be raped by those who are unwilling to live with it and by it. I have been through hell in court. I have proven beyond any doubt that 3 Guardians of the Court lied under oath to the judge. I have proven my Ex lied, so many times I can’t keep track. I have proven her attorney lied to the judge! My Ex used to be LICSW, is a nurse, works for the County that determines my fate. She has played more doctors, therapists, and so called “Friends”. I find it quite disturbing that many of the female “friends” and “officers” of the court are liars. They enable and support the my Ex, the Spath! It is mind numbing. I suggest reading the book, “Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets” by Susan Shapiro Barash. While I know Donna recognizes that not all Spaths are male, I think we don’t accept the fact that there are very likely just as many female Spaths as their are male. Women tend to be more collegial and social, and tend to be more willing to talk about it and expose it. Men are less inclined to do so, and this has enabled the family court system to victimize men much more easily. I think also there are many females (80% of court employee Social workers are) who are not very nice that are attracted to the field. It gives them the power to abuse men, without accountability, and with immunity. I would venture to hypothesize that we have an extraordinary number, as a percent of those employed, of abusive, narcissistic/sociopathic personalities operating in this industry. Since they are not required to undergo any psychological evaluation to get their credentials, and these people are attracted to the field (one of my sons old therapists told me, “it takes one to know one” is a sarcastic quip used by those on the industry to describe these people) and there are no barriers or obstacles to them becoming powerful and destroying lives. Just my two cents worth.
Kathleen Hawk,
This statement:
“As communal and empathetic people, we’re naturally sensitive to whether we’re “in” or “out” with the group. And there’s a natural fear of being “out” to the extent that we lose group support. It’s built into us as part of our survival mechanism. It’s one of the reasons that shame is such a powerful feeling. It originates from a hard-wired survival need for community. It’s a deep inner voice that warns us that our behavior may be causing us to lose the loyalty of our community toward us.
But, and this is a big but, if we’ve been brought up to believe that acceptance is ONLY won by making other people feel comfortable, then we have ONLY gained social skills in the realm of mirroring and feeding other people’s needs. ”
What I feel when wanting to have my say as a Lf’er. Today I vented, all the while wondering if I will hurt someone’s feelings. Will I be “grey rocked” (which is a nifty lil tool I must say). I have my fears.
Yet, I knew I had to go there. It has become bigger than my little ol feelings. It is now a matter of necessity that I say what I say here this a.m.
Of course, I will not be so offensive that I am suspected of being a troll-the worst sort of pox on these sites and rightly so. But dang it I am a compassionate person and sometimes compassion can lead to some tough love. But it is kind of like those dreams of going to school naked!!
I do agree that when we are IN A RELATIONSHIP ONGOING with a spath we MUST proceed with caution in how we flex our muscles. However, in other cases we are talking about people we meet online or INSIGNIFICANT others. There is the difference AND this is what bugs the crap outta me; that we let STRANGERS have the best of us.
Thanks for spelling it out so profoundly as you always do!! Would you consider a run for President 🙂
AR
Dear Adamsrib,
Yea, the couple was “mixed” is why they had to come here.
Well I am “Scots-Irish” mostly, (the American name for them, but they considered themselves Scots, who just happened to live in Ireland) and my folks moved over here in the 1700s, clannish, inbred, stuck to their protestant prejudices, hard headed, and prone to fight! So I can relate to the “hot blood”—but also some good traits, hard working, and generally honest. Unfortunately, lots of alcoholism and plenty of psychopathic genetic material I think.
In my Scots-Irish community as I was growing up there was a wide GAP between protestant and Catholic communities here, and there was almost NO intermarriage until the last 20 years. The communities did business together and lived side by side, but other than that there was little intermingling of the two groups. When I was growing up, if I had even tried to date a Catholic boy, I would have been locked in the corn crib until I got that idea out of my mind. His parents would have locked him in the root cellar as well! LOL It just WAS NOT DONE! Protestant people feared the Pope himself was going to come over and rule the US. When Kennedy was elected president I think a lot of the Scots Irish thought the anti-christ had risen and that the Pope would rule the US through Kennedy.
I know all that sounds so crazy now! But people believed that sort of thing back then. Maybe there are still some people who believe such carp today—look at that nut case who was going to burn the Koran in Florida.
The Northern Irish “wars” have been going on since 1609 and I doubt that they will quit any time soon. It takes about 4-5 generations for the stories of “wrong” to die out and be forgotten in any war–we are just now getting over the American War between the States here in the last 50 years. When I was a kid, it was very much “alive and well.”
I finally learned as I grew up that much of what I had been taught as “truth” or “the right way to think” was not necessarily true….and that goes not only into political and social things but into moral things as well.
We are taught to “share” with others, that’s good manners. We are taught to “be nice” and “be polite” to others, but where does share and being nice and polite end and letting people walk on you like a door mat end.
Front Porch Talker’s article the other day said you cant tell where one color in the rainbow stops and another starts, so where does being “nice and polite” end and standing up for yourself begin?
If someone is abusing you, does that mean you are still obligated to be “polite” to them or can you tell them to FARK OFF?
My darling sweet friend who has been sucked into a relationship with a married man (who has done this before with other women) is more concerned about “not appearing rude” to him than she is about saying “Look, this is over, you cheat on your wife, and you will cheat on me,, I should never have gotten involved with you.”
At that point, it is OKAY IN MY OPINION TO BE BLUNT…and say the truth, and not have to “appear so polite”—DUH!!!
So my moral compass has changed about what is “right” and what is “wrong” for me. What I am OBLIGATED TO DO for others and what I am NOT obligated to do. What makes me a “good person”—by my own definition.
Validating myself, but yet comparing myself to what I think an ideal should be. Striving toward that ideal.
A few things I have learned for sure and it is NOT what the neighbors think that makes me a good person or not, and I no longer use that as my measure of how well I am doing.
That alone was a BIG step for me, and I no longer have to cover up the “family shame” or take responsibility and blame for another person’s bad behavior.
Kathy Hawk is so eloquent in her writing, saying essentially the same thing I am but in a much more polished way….standing up and saying “that doesn’t work for me” (among other things) was not easy for me at all. Sometimes it still isn’t, but I’m working on it!
Dear Perniciousfamilycourts (PFC)
I hear your frustration with the court system and the social workers etc. you are NOT alone. There is a great book in the LF book store called the “Legal Abuse Syndrome” and I suggest you get it and read it. It may help you cope with your feelings about this mess you have been through (are going through?)
Knowledge is power so keep on reading about psychopaths and learning about them It may help you to cope or even give you some idea how to work around/with them in the way that you have to if you are co-parenting with one of them.
Also check out Dr. Leedom’s blog “Raising the at risk child”
Again, glad you are here, and hope the information and support here will help you cope with what sounds like a difficult situation. God bless.