By The Front Porch Talker
“Who in the rainbow can draw the line where the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? So with sanity and insanity”¦the soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.” From Billy Budd (Herman Melville).
We all live the lie sometimes: everybody lies. Lying is part of the American social contract; a matter of civility and manners, in some circles. Culturally, we even eschew the truth sometimes, equating it with rudeness. Who wants to hear that they are looking old or that their appearance is less-than-stellar? While our American cultural values appear friendly—albeit naïve—to the world, we are fiercely private and “independent” about our deeper feelings. Nobody wants to seem powerless or out of control.
We all know why we lie: because it is convenient; or, maybe it is easier just to keep the peace—so we believe. Sometimes we lie by saying that everything is just fine when it really isn’t. We tell our friends that we are just fine to signify that our real feelings are private. I do feel a little better now, just saying I’m fine. In turn, they tell us the same lie—it’s quid pro quo social management. Sometimes we lie to protect others from our reality; or, to protect ourselves from our own reality. We tell ourselves that we should be fine and that by saying it aloud we will be fine.
The truth is: not all lies are equal. Some people lie because they can and because it serves them in some way. They don’t live by social rules—or any rules, except as it harms us and benefits them. They are not part of the social contract of civility or convenience. They are “people of the lie,” as Scott Peck calls them in his book of the same name. They are the narcissists and sociopaths who live among us, undetected, and wholly without a conscience. They imitate our emotions to fill the vacancy of their own. They pretend to care, to have feelings of remorse even, if it will serve their own ends.
Sociopaths run the gamut of the danger zone—from the trusted partner or friend who steals your identity and every dime you have, to the person who commits violent acts against innocent people who “trusted the wrong person.” They are the “people of the lie.” They will take everything you ever had, including your dignity, then move on to the next person, leaving us to wonder: what could we have done differently? But even that is part of the manipulation. The truth is: there was nothing you could have done, or that anybody can do, especially if they are well adept at evading the law, which most of them are.
They hurt everybody, and because we would like to believe that they are “just like us—”you know, with morals and a conscience, they continue to offend. I have known more than my share of sociopaths and others who have no discernable conscience. I’ve spent half of my life blaming myself for “letting them” harm me and people I’ve known. I always wondered why sociopaths do what they do—it’s because they can.
I am thinking now of the anniversary of the month that my college student was murdered, back in 1993. Lisa had been moving from one apartment to another, and had solicited the help of a stranger. It had been a violent death: and, it is still unsolved. She was only twenty-two years old at the time.
At a memorial service for Lisa I read the following quote, which I’d written as part of a eulogy for her.
“Who in the rainbow can draw the line where the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? So with sanity and insanity”¦the soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.” From, Billy Budd (Herman Melville).
The truth is: we don’t know exactly where one color in the rainbow ends and the next begins. It seems that I’ve learned a lot about the colors, which I’d like to share with you. From Lisa’s death, I learned that fear is a good thing, unless you run with it. Many of us see a person whom we fear, for whatever reason, and we bypass our intuition to let them in.
For all the violent events that I have witnessed in my life, I will name a color. Yellow is for all the charming sociopaths who made their way into our apartments, and ultimately into our lives, then betrayed us—or worse.
Red is for the raging friend in high school, Barbara, who beat-up another girl, Aileen, in my presence and in the presence of the whole school. Aileen later died of a concussion. Barbara was never charged.
Green is for Tucson, Arizona where I witnessed a murder and a near-murder. For the man who lived next door to me while I was in graduate school—a gun lover. I heard the gun go off, then saw the man dragging a woman across the bare parking lot. I reported this to the police and even showed them a puddle of blood in the parking lot, but nothing was ever done.
The Green near-murder would involve me. While living alone in Tucson in a big house on Speedway Avenue, near the center of town, I was interrupted from my writing one day. My dog never barked. Something just told me to walk through my fenced back yard and look over the gate to the narrow space in the side-yard. A man was attempting to hoist himself up and into my kitchen window. The press had called him “The Prime-Time Rapist.” As my dog and I stood there staring, in shock, he jumped down and stared back. He was maybe twenty feet away. The moment we locked eyes was the pivotal moment. We both ran, in opposite directions. That night, he was gunned-down by the police.
Purple is for the female sociopath who stole my identity and everything I had in my life, then changed her name and found somebody else to steal from. I had been a “trusted friend” for over ten years. I had helped her through her years of disability. I knew her children and her grandchild. But nothing in the world prepared me for what she would do to me. I lost my job, my retirement account, my house, and all the money and credit I had worked so hard to earn, all because I had trusted a sociopath with a very long history of scamming people.
The most difficult part for me is the trail of tears we leave behind with all of this unfinished business and grieving—for what never was. Sociopaths steal our innocence, and perhaps our naiveté too, for no particular reason and with no particular meaning. They leave us unfinished too, at least privately.
Unfinished, but not defeated. We look to some higher power to finish what we cannot. We know that pain is inevitable in life—for all of us. But suffering—that is optional. We love who we love, because we are human and we have a conscience. We love people imperfectly, then when we’ve held too long to the outcome drawn somewhere in our imaginations, we detach with love and let go to a power that some call God. Fly high and free!
In the end, I tell myself this: there are plenty more colors in a rainbow, if you look closely. Some are nuanced or muted; some appear tinted at different angles, with more or less light than when you first had seen it. Some colors form hazy borders about exactly where the colors become “blendingly into the next,” just as “sanity and insanity does.”
Truths are blendingly complex too—a sign of intimacy. Whatever we reveal to others we are also revealing to ourselves, simultaneously. The pain is tacit and unspoken. But paradoxically, we are freed of suffering and that need to control or soften things with our lies. The only truth that we can know for sure borders on solipsism: that we know that our own mind exists; all else is speculation, at best. We can only know our own private and ineffable experiences of what is or isn’t the truth. The rest is beyond us to know for sure.
And, I will repeat the words I began with: we can never really know what is in the hearts of others. We can hope against hope, but never know for sure.
I will never be the same trusting person I once was. Thank God. The muted pinks and blues and greens are becoming clearer, with more defined lines now. I know that it’s time to finish my novel, and get on with the business of living, and to honor those who, for whatever reason, weren’t as lucky as me and didn’t survive.
We may not ever really know what is in another person’s heart, but now—now that we’ve seen that vacant look; and, now that we’ve heard the superficial stories and lies that never did quite add-up, because they didn’t. Now that we are older, and probably wiser, we can cut through the artifice, the faker, the liar and cheat, the approximation of humanity—like butter, and spread it over so many slices of proverbial bread.
Dear MiLo,
Yea, I’ve seen photos of her—not only the “ugly stick” hit her, the entire tree Fell on her! That woman is so UGLY you have to spell it with TWO U’s— UUgly!
Yea, I’ll take the goats over the psychopaths too, because when they get to be too dangerous you can always BBQ them. I love FEMALE goats but the males are nasty and stinky and hateful by the time they are 7 or 8 months old, so I would only keep a male for one purpose and one purpose only and kept him in a separate small pen AWAY from the does, and DOWN WIND of the house. March the ladies by his pen every day and when they started paying attention to him, let them into the pen for a couple of days–when his job was done, off to the butcher or the sale barn. Amazes me though that the rangers didn’t know squat about goats though, you’d think someone one there would have some experience of some kind with the native fauna!
Never thought of the male goat/psychopath analogy until today though. But VERY much a match! LOL
Dear Adamsrib,
In my family the egg donor was adamant about “forgiveness” being Returning trust to the evil doer, and “forgetting” about what they had done…in reference mostly to her brother, Uncle Monster, who was a wife beater and emotional and physical abuser of his children on the scale of BKT except he didn’t do them the favor to actually kill them. Uncle Monster started out as a 7 year old (the year my egg donor was born) trying to kill the baby and continued to do so until finally at age 14 my Grandfather caught him strangling his sister until she went unconscious and whaled the tar out of him. It stopped the physical abuse of his sister,but didn’t improve Uncle Monster’s temperment any. Their mother had KNOWN about the strangling since the infant was a baby, but had not “told” because “his daddy would spank him and he might run away from home.” Can we say CLASSIC ENABLER? She had grown up in an abusive home where mama enabled bad daddy to rage and rant when he was drunk—uncle Monster followed in grandpa’s footsteps—and the best I can find out through family stories and genealogy that particular line traces back to a man born in 1800 (murdered in 1860) who was a drunken abuser delux version. So there is a lot of genetic stuff going on there too.
Egg donor really took over the “family enabler” role when her mom died and was insisting the last five years that I be her apprentice more than I already was.
I didn’t find out about uncle Monster’s deeds until I was about 30 at which time he actually held his mother hostage at gunpoint for a few days while he was in a drunken rage and his father was in the hospital. After uncle Monster went to sleep, my GM called me and told me what was going on. I went to get her, packing, with every intention of bringing her out. I stopped by the sheriff’s office on the way there (the sheriff was my cousin) I told him what was going on and that I was going to get my GM and asked if he wanted to send a deputy with me as I had a gun and every intention of bringing my GM out. He said (and I KID YOU NOT!!!) “NAH, HE’S PAID FOR.” When I got there Uncle Monster was gone.
He never did anything to me personally, he KNEW I would not bow down to him. He hated women with a passion, but he was also a coward and knew I would fight back so he never showed out except one time verbally when there was an “audience” and he thought I wouldn’t speak back to him because–guess what–what would the neighbors say?—I did to his surprise.
Egg donor and I would have a “fight” every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas, because Uncle Monster had alienated his children so badly he had no where to go for the holidays, and I refused to have them at her house with him there. She would cry and bawl and moan about how I was going to hell because I wouldn’t “forgive” Uncle Monster and “forget” about all the stuff he had done—and then say how I was “RUINING HER HOLIDAY” and I remember once asking her “well do you not get it that YOU are ruining mine by insisting that I share it with Uncle Monster”? So in response, I would take my kids and/or my husband and go out of state to visit friends for TG and Xmas. It was the same song and dance every holiday. To this day I don’t care for the holidays—kind of like the cat on the cold stove, I remember the HOT one!
Egg donor was really big on this APPEARANCE of humility and holiness—-but it never sat right with me, and actually she had me scared spitless of this angry “god” who was sitting up there just waiting to zap me to hell by the time I was 5-6-7 years old. I’m not sure of the exact age, but very young and I can remember thinking that if I had ONE SIN on my plate that I hadn’t said “father forgive me” at the INSTANT I DIED I would go to hell. That’s pretty heady stuff for a kid that young, but I remember those thoughts.
I realize that egg donor had grown up in a dysfunctional family of alcoholics and enablers though her father had quit drinking before she was born and was never a wife beater and as I recall I never heard him verbally abusive to my GM either. In fact, for our southern culture, I think he was very caring of his wife and female children. Even though the male child was the MALE offspring and therefore some ways “better” than the female offspring. He did not approve of his son’s behavior at all, but after his son reached adulthood he never confronted it either.
He and my GM actually moved off the farm and into a rented apartment for about half a year after the hostage situation because they were afraid to return home until uncle Monster had gone through another VA dry out period–didn’t last, of course, but there was no more overt physical abuse of his parents after that.
After I fled my own home here on the farm I started to read the old Bible stories with “new eyes”—I’m not sure why.
The story of King David hiding from King Saul was another one I saw NEw MEANING IN. God could have stopped Saul from trying to kill David so David wouldn’t have had to run and hide, but He didn’t…why? I think there was a lesson for DAVID in the wilderness that DAVID needed to learn.
God could have kept my psychopathic son from sending his Trojan horse Psychopath into our family, or stopped him from trying to kill me, but I think there was a lesson for Oxy in the wilderness that she needed to learn. I read that story over and over and SAW a new meaning there I’d never seen before.
Also, the story of Abraham and the sacrifice of his son Isaac. GOD knew what Abraham would do when he asked him to sacrifice Isaac–but ABRAHAM didn’t know. The “test” was so that ABRAHAM would know how much he loved God and how much he would give up to obey. It was to teach ABRAHAM what Abraham was all about, God already knew what Abraham was, but Abraham didn’t.
I don’t think Oxy had learned the lessons she needed to know with less drastic classes, and I think the REMEDIAL classes were to get my attention. Much as Donna, in her book, said she needed to learn and arranged to learn.
I think God (by whatever name you call Him) is patient with us and gives us multiple opportunities to get the lessons we need to learn, if we are willing to learn. The psychopath is unwilling to learn, and they have (just as we do) CHOICES in doing good or evil. I wrote an article here “Psychopathy 101, the KNowledge of Good and Evil” re: the story of Eve in the garden before the “fall” and how Satan didn’t gain anything from her downfall except the GLEE at lying to her, getting her to believe him and lose her entire universe. In exchange though, she learned the difference between Good and Evil. It is that knowledge that makes us fully independent humans I think.
The psychopaths are not lacking the knowledge of good or evil, they simply don’t care if their choices hurt others (at best) or at worst they ENJOY hurting others.
I’ve read the Bible “stories” with New eyes and a new vision. My faith in God is not the same fearful dread of a hateful vengeful god that I was taught by the egg donor, but a faith in a benevolent and loving Father. It’s a whole “nuther attitude” now.
The Bible says that David was a “man after God’s own heart” but we know that David was not perfect, he was a “heavy duty” sinner, guilty of murder, adultery, enabling his son Absalom Who was, I think, BTW a classic example of a very narcissistic psychopath, but the ONE thing David had that I think made him a man after God’s own heart, was that he accepted responsibility for his sins, REPENTED and did his best to change his ways.
I’ve done my share of unwise and just plain nasty things in my life, far from perfect by a long shot…the difference between me and the egg donor or anyone else is that I don’t hold others to a higher standard than I hold myself. I do my best to repent when I know I have been wrong, to make amends if possible, and to change my ways and my attitude. That’s all you can expect out of anyone or any thing, to do the best they can. I’ve had to learn to forgive MYSELF and to learn to trust MYSELF again because I did not do a real good job of keeping myself safe, or making responsible decisions.
I want to be like King David though, and to recognize and accept when I have been wrong and to right that wrong. I want to be like Joseph and forgive the evil doers, but I don’t want to trust them until they have proven they won’t do it again first chance they get!
Both Jesus and St. Paul advised NO CONTACT when they said that we were to go to our brother if we knew he was involved in sin, talk to him, if that didn’t work, to go back with witnesses, and if that didn’t work, go to the church (community) and if that didn’t work, to “not even eat with him” (basically shun him, but for the reason of showing him that his ways were wrong and hurtful not to just “be mean.”)
We were told by Jesus that we should not “judge” (assume we knew what was in the heart of a man) but yet He said that “by its fruits (behavior) you will know a good tree from an evil one.”
Good plain GOOD SENSE if I ever heard it. Even if a person is not a “believer” the Bible contains some great lessons in psychology and “the good life” 101. How to live peacefully and well to the best of your ability. Shunning bad people is a good start. “Evil companions corrupt good morals.” Associating with a psychopath will ruin your life. NC forever and ever, amen!
wow, I am speechless…..
g’nite all….
Dear Adamsrib,
Didn’t mean to run you off! But goodnight! Sleep well! Hope the bed bug epidemic hasn’t hit your part of the country yet! (((hugs)))
Thank you so much for the support. Today my daughter called and it was the “help” call, can you get me out of here. Yes, we’re on our way. Called in a support system of friends and relatives and got her moved out within 5 hours…spath thought he was just going to come back and have her out of the house, but the surprise was she was gone as well as all furnishings…spaths travel light, clothes only…that was a surprise to him, I doubt he’ll sleep on the floor, I’m sure he has other victims he’s working. This is the first step, a huge step, and I am not so naive to believe she will actually be done with this spath, but I am praying that is so, and the financial damages won’t be unbearable…the emotional damage to my daughter is already done and will try and help her heal and move on. She seems anxious to be in a “normal” relationship…I know from reading the blogs, don’t count on anything….spaths have a lot of power and now that control isn’t assured, he’ll kick it into high gear…I’m assuming he will try pity party due to poor childhood,or blame/guilt that it was her fault or say he’s gonna hurt himself since he’s so despondend….is that how it works? I worry that she will be safe tonight…any words of wisdom or advice will be appreciated. Never could have gotten this far without an immense support system………..Thank you.
I’m not sure how to use this blog yet, but there were three people who helped me…thank you.
My daughter has been on eggshells for a long time, never knowing what will set him off, so try and say nothing. He is very critical of her; actually he is quite jealous of her as she used to have so many friends and was so accomplished…it almost looks like he wants to be the “old” her…does that make any sense? And he is always critical, won’t talk about any issues that come up. just says she is being a “b” and I am concerned about her loss of self esteem and weight…but she has left the situation…does anyone have any ideas on how, as parents and support system, to keep her from going back? This is not the first time she has left, but it is the first time she has physically moved out……it seems like if he can talk long enough, he can hit upon something and draw her back in….thank you.
Bubbleup:
Set boundaries on what you will and won’t do for D.
Encourage her to go NC as Daughter already knows how the conversations will go.
Provide her educational outlets such as LF to learn about what she’s been living with and pray she ‘get’s it’.
You can’t ‘keep’ her from doing anything……but you also don’t have to enable her choices.
Kudos for you for being there……you got her out, get her settled, get her a new phone (under YOUR account) with a new number…….(you will know when/if she speaks to the spath)…….and if she is communicating with him……let her go.
Once the communication starts…..you know the outcome.
Encourage her to go NO CONTACT…..and why.
I’m hoping they don’t have kids or a marriage…..if not…. a clean break is very doable. If they do/are married/kids….a clean break becomes messier….but still doable……
Just know what YOUR boundaries are….and stick to them as you encourage her and lift her esteem.
Your spot on if he can talk to her, he will talk her back…..point this out to her in a ginger fashion.
Realize…..she’s gonna be on a rollercoaster, one moment secure in her decision, one moment doubting her future…..it’s natural….reassure her of this.
Good luck, we are here for your support!
Bubbles,
you are to be commended for being there for your daughter. It’s going to be tough for you too. I’ll tell you why: I have yet to see a person ensnared by a sociopath that wasn’t raised in a family that didn’t have at least one narcissist. Please don’t be offended, not one of us here is normal, especially not me. Looking at your family and its part in what created this pattern is the most difficult thing you can do. If you can’t, that is completely understandable, It is the dream, but I think it must be almost impossible. But if you can and you find a therapist who is familiar with all of these dynamics, you will benefit sooooo much. if not, read all the books: Why is it always about you?; the sociopath next door.; Why does he do that; People of the lie.
Just go to the library and search for “sociopathy”. You’ll get it. Arm yourself with knowledge, you and she will need it.
Bubbleup,
sorry I got your name wrong the first time.
I wanted to add that knowledge is really the ONLY POWER.
Fnd a way to force her to read “why is it always about you? Without that book and the guy who told me that I was dealing with a MALIGNANT NARCISSIST (a what? what?, I said.) I would have gone back to a CERTAIN MURDER. no doubt because I would not have been the first. They are cunning and seductive. Imagine yourself, as a mother, listening to the crying of your own infant. Would you be able to resist? NO. They are that way to us. They use the infant pity ploy and the infant charm to lure us back. They have never grown up so it is easy for them to use these ploys. And our maternal instincts take over. That’s why women are predominant on this website. All my prayers go out to you. You are in for a very long haul. BUT YOU CAN DO IT and you will come out a new and amazing person in the end. I KNOW from experience. Don’t be afraid. Be gray rock.
Dear Bubble up,
Your instincts to help her are there, and you may be able to helpl her, but she may resist. Keerp her from talking to him at all if you can (*NC) for several days at least. Get her to reading articles here and order her the book. BVob Hare’s bo0ok Wiothout Consci9ence” is a good one and Martha’s book “The Sociopath next door” is another one.
Print off the articles with the 10 reasons you can figure out your are dating a psychopath.
She’ll probably be wishy washy, may eve go back tyo him evgen, but just preserve your relationship with her, because even if she goes back to him, she will probalby come back out agaion. He ixsn’t going to change.
She is going I iimagine to feel ashamed her mnarriage “failed” and he has I am sure told her it was all her fault so she will porobbly be low esteem.
Let her rest, but I would also find a therapist for her that knows what a real psychopath is. I wish I could wrap my arms around both of you and the three of us have a good cry!
God bless you and your family, and hold you in Hisx hand ((((Hug)))) you are in my prayuers@.......! Keep us posted.