By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey
I recently wrote about how partners of sociopaths tend to take responsibility when things go wrong in the relationship, figuring ways to make it better. We then blame ourselves for overlooking warning signs early on, and for not leaving immediately when we did see them. Sometimes we blame our childhoods for the vulnerabilities that made us caretakers who overlook and tolerate abusive or rejecting partners.
Neuroscientists tell us that our behaviors are about 90% driven by our subconscious minds. That means 90% of what we are taking in from a person on a conscious level is being received by our subconscious minds, not our conscious thoughts and experience. It takes a lot longer for our conscious minds to catch up and integrate what we are experiencing on an unconscious, visceral, or “gut” level. Hopefully, this information will help you to give yourself a break!
Optimism in the face of reality
But, there is even more compelling evidence that goes beyond naivete, beyond whatever childhood we may have had or type of personality we might have, that explains why we didn’t see the signs, overlooked them, and stayed. I watched a documentary on brain science, which described a recent study done at the University College, London. Dr. Tali Sharot wanted to find out, “Why do we remain optimistic in the face of reality?”
Subjects were put in a brain scanner and asked what they thought the probability of them encountering 80 different negative events in their lives, such as cancer, Alzheimers, car accident, burglary, bone fracture, sport related accident, heart failure, drug abuse, household accident, diabetes, alcoholism, and death before 60. Initially, the subjects responded well below the actual probabilities, for example guessing 18% chance of getting cancer vs. the actual probability, which is 30%.
After these questions, the subjects were shown the actual percentages of the negative events happening and the great gap of their beliefs and reality. Normally, when people are given new information on a subject, it will alter their view or beliefs. After being given the new correct information, the subjects were asked the same questions all over again while in a brain scanner. Instead of the new information altering their beliefs about them encountering the negative events in their lives like should happen, it had little effect!
Negative, positive and the brain
Here is what they found in the brain scans that explains this: The part of the brain that contains negative information malfunctions, while the part that contains positive information is much more active. The brain willfully ignores negative things, and sees the world through rose-colored glasses.
The reason our brains are formed this way and trick us is for survival reasons. 1) It reduces stress and anxiety, and 2) We are goal driven from an evolutionary standpoint, to ignore risks involved in exploring the world and universe and discovering something novel to better our world. It keeps us striving for a better future. Risk takers who less concerned with playing it safe are the ones who are not afraid to venture out, and who keep our species going.
When thought about from the brain science perspective, there is good reason that we ignored the negative, which does not in any way point to a personality or moral flaw. It’s just the way we are.
Blue, Look after yourself and happy healing, hope to see you again soon
Learus-
Loved your analogy about the hook!
I think many of us who’ve gravitated to this blog fully understand that a predator is not likely to change. It took us a great deal of heartache and soul searching to get there, and on the way, we went through the process of shaming and blaming ourselves. Our fatal optimism kept us hoping the predator would wake up and see the error of their ways.
But for some of us, an even more insidious glue kept us cemented into the relationship, a traumatic bond. For those of us who had our entire value systems knocked out from under us, we may have responded with an unhealthy, addicted-like attachment to the person who had dealt us harm. For people who’ve experienced this type of attraction, it’s truly important to seek help in order to free oneself, and not be ashamed of the need to do so.
Mincheff Joyce, I am starting to have bad dreams about him and can’t stop images of us together sexually from entering my head……wondering what he was thinking. I’m sure it wasn’t what I thought he was thinking or what I was thinking. It’s stuck in my mind. I can’t wash the slimy images away! It’s very unsettling. I know he was just being a Spath..it’s what they do. In his twisted infantile mind, it all made sense to him.
Dorothy,
Memories and images are bound to happen. Particularly if you’ve only recently come away from the relationship. It takes time for all the internal chemistry that attached you to him sexually to subside.
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to get physical exercise that pumps your endorphins and makes you feel good about yourself. Taking on projects that force your thoughts on something new, and bolsters your self esteem is helpful. The worst thing you can do is nothing.
Another idea is to limit the amount of time you allow yourself to think about him…. adhering to a strict limitation, and shrinking it over the next couple of weeks. You’ll be surprised how just feeling you can control your thoughts about him will restore your sense of power.
Joyce
dorothy2,
We haven’t met before – I am old to the blog, and haven’t been around for a while.
It’s quite usual to have obsessive thoughts about the spath during certain phases of our healing. I have come to think of it as both a manifestation of OCD and the twisting road to acceptance.
It is very hard for us to make sense of spaths – what they did and how terribly different they are from people who have empathy and moral conscience, so we replay and replay the key experiences that most deeply hurt us (or unlock other aspects of pain and healing) trying not only to understand and accept them, but feebly trying to reinvent the past (or our present).
The advice Minnchef Joyce you were all things that worked for me in reducing the habitual obsessive replaying of certain scenes. Another thing I had to do at some point (and I am not suggesting this as anything but a last resort, as it has its own consequences), I put a LARGE rock on top of my experience with the spath. It was ruling my life, and I had little support – and I couldn’t function well – so I shut it down hard. Now, it’s going to take a team to life the damn rock, but it got me through a very difficult time.
More than anything, obsessing is part of our healing. You can let it show you a bit about how our minds work in general to protect us, how hard it is for us to accept and integrate what has happened to us, and very importantly, where you feel most injured by the experience with the spath. This can help you to identify where you may feel/ be most vulnerable to attack, and give you the opportunity to explore and change this vulnerability.
Best,
one joy step
Trying out the new format for a test run…….looks nice, Donna.
Wow, do I ever resonate with this article, as my nickname is Pollyanna. My eternal optimism helps me so much in life to remain positive and open to possibilities. But it has also kept me in situations/relationships that I should have left long ago. I do feel the “rose-colored glasses” thing is a coping mechanism. If we confronted all the suffering and dysfunction in society all around us all the time, we would probably curl up and die. I have chosen to interpret events more positively. Fortunately, this didn’t keep me from walking away from a sociopath once I figured out what he was. But I have put it past me and don’t go around looking for them under every rock. It took about a year for that to stop happening. And yet I’m aware that possibly 1 out of every 25 people is a sociopath. It’s in the back of my mind, but I don’t think about it too much.
Recently in my life, I’ve had two situations where I’ve utilized the positive thinking. In one situation, it worked. In the other situation, it hurt me. In the first situation, I chose not to see my sister – with whom I’m recently united over our mother’s death – as disordered. Instead, I choose to see her as suffering and needing love. And instead of reacting to her acting out (which she’s only doing a tiny little bit this time around), I am responding to her with kindness and patience, and with love. It has really lifted a huge weight, to begin to love and trust my sister again. I could have easily gone the other direction and shut her out, as I have for many years. It has been so wonderful to have a relationship with her after so many years.
In the other situation, however, I’m not so lucky. I kept a door in my heart open for a man in my life who has been giving me a lot of mixed messages. I’ve been making excuses for him and reaching out more than I normally would, hoping for the positive. I know better. I know that if a man is really interested, there will be no doubt. But Pollyanna over here thought this guy was different…. It ended up hurting me in the end. I am a true Libra – a daydreamer and idealist, and a hopeless romantic. I depend on my friends to bring me down to reality, but it only helps if I listen to them. And also, a lot of time, my daydreaming does pay off. The visionaries of the world are all basically daydreamers. They sit around and think…”what if?”. It’s hard for me to give that up. My optimistic nature has had such a huge impact at work and in my Zumba community. I have received much recognition and even awards for some of my initiatives based on my optimistic thinking. In the salsa community, however, not so much. 🙁 This is a place where a woman must protect her heart. I learned the hard way. And yet, there are many people who do find love in this community.
Have any of you seen Life of Pi? One of the interpretations of the film (you must watch all the way to the end, BTW) is that we can choose to believe whatever story we want to believe. Very profound message and beautiful film.
Great article, Mary Ann….something to chomp on especially to those of us who pride ourselves in a round of “Put On a Happy Face”, referring to a song from the 1960’s I believe….It is good to look on the bright side, however, being shaded to reality when it is plain old bad would sure enough explain our overlooking, ignoring and hiding the very negativity that should make us shiver, quiver and with eyes wide open, ditch and run…..
@Stargazer- kudos to optimism. this is how we keep the kernel of our best selves alive after the damage of a sociopath. never let them kill the love in your heart. we will all shine on!
Thank you Joyce and One step, I appreciate your comments.
One step, this is interesting what you say about using it to see where you are most vulnerable because I immediately connect with the sexual aspect. Maybe that is why I’m left with feelings of being raped. This seems to be the thing that bothers me most. That I gave myself to him under false pretenses. It turns my stomach and the images just come into my mind so much.
Thanks, Carriesguns. I won’t allow anyone to kill my spirit, for sure. Everything to me is a re-affirmation that life is worth living and love is worth risking, even when I get hurt.
Since the relationship I spoke of is a salsa relationship, I have decided to write the guy a “Dear John” letter in Spanish. His name is John so it’s fitting. He can either translate it himself, or I will translate it for him in the letter – haven’t decided about that yet. I think writing it in Spanish will help me choose my words carefully and sparingly and keep it succinct. It’s also romantic, as our entire relationship has been, as *I* am. Also, once I put something in writing, I will never go back on my word.
And another one bites the dust….