By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey
I recently wrote about how partners of sociopaths tend to take responsibility when things go wrong in the relationship, figuring ways to make it better. We then blame ourselves for overlooking warning signs early on, and for not leaving immediately when we did see them. Sometimes we blame our childhoods for the vulnerabilities that made us caretakers who overlook and tolerate abusive or rejecting partners.
Neuroscientists tell us that our behaviors are about 90% driven by our subconscious minds. That means 90% of what we are taking in from a person on a conscious level is being received by our subconscious minds, not our conscious thoughts and experience. It takes a lot longer for our conscious minds to catch up and integrate what we are experiencing on an unconscious, visceral, or “gut” level. Hopefully, this information will help you to give yourself a break!
Optimism in the face of reality
But, there is even more compelling evidence that goes beyond naivete, beyond whatever childhood we may have had or type of personality we might have, that explains why we didn’t see the signs, overlooked them, and stayed. I watched a documentary on brain science, which described a recent study done at the University College, London. Dr. Tali Sharot wanted to find out, “Why do we remain optimistic in the face of reality?”
Subjects were put in a brain scanner and asked what they thought the probability of them encountering 80 different negative events in their lives, such as cancer, Alzheimers, car accident, burglary, bone fracture, sport related accident, heart failure, drug abuse, household accident, diabetes, alcoholism, and death before 60. Initially, the subjects responded well below the actual probabilities, for example guessing 18% chance of getting cancer vs. the actual probability, which is 30%.
After these questions, the subjects were shown the actual percentages of the negative events happening and the great gap of their beliefs and reality. Normally, when people are given new information on a subject, it will alter their view or beliefs. After being given the new correct information, the subjects were asked the same questions all over again while in a brain scanner. Instead of the new information altering their beliefs about them encountering the negative events in their lives like should happen, it had little effect!
Negative, positive and the brain
Here is what they found in the brain scans that explains this: The part of the brain that contains negative information malfunctions, while the part that contains positive information is much more active. The brain willfully ignores negative things, and sees the world through rose-colored glasses.
The reason our brains are formed this way and trick us is for survival reasons. 1) It reduces stress and anxiety, and 2) We are goal driven from an evolutionary standpoint, to ignore risks involved in exploring the world and universe and discovering something novel to better our world. It keeps us striving for a better future. Risk takers who less concerned with playing it safe are the ones who are not afraid to venture out, and who keep our species going.
When thought about from the brain science perspective, there is good reason that we ignored the negative, which does not in any way point to a personality or moral flaw. It’s just the way we are.
This is a difficult post to write. First, let send kudos to Donna for her efforts and unrelenting hard work in all aspects of LF, not the least of which is this great new site. Thanks for everything Donna.
I’ve searched for an appropriate blog topic to share these difficult thoughts and this one comes closest as it truly puts the onus for our issues w/paths on something other than us, this time brain chemistry.
It isn’t that I disagree that some folks are just more vulnerable to the wiles and charms of a path than others. I don’t disagree that some of us are victims of the frightening and confounding behaviors of a path while others would throw that crap under the bus immediately without wondering or caring what happened. I, too, Star, have always been a hopeless romantic since childhood and I don’t know why. As the author of the article stated, we are who we are for many different reasons or combos thereof.
My favorite image since adolescence was that of myself and some guy sitting in front of a fireplace and a lot of laughter. A warm, inviting atmosphere and getting along effortlessly, a kinship, a connection. These 2 factors have been ultra important to me in my life w/friends, jobs, family, even day-to-day encounters. Not sure why.
I’m also a daydreamer, Star, always have been and this is the biggest reason why path was so important to me. He was my mental “go-to” for almost 2 years, when I didn’t feel like living in reality. The minute I hit the car, (no more playing music), the shower, housecleaning, feeling guilty or upset about almost anything, I’d start the internal dialogue w/him, and if I could get away without being heard, I’d speak out loud. It was a lovely, lovely life w/him in my head. I knew I would never really get together with him. I have never cheated even on a boyfriend so was not going to cheat on my husband. In fact, when he “faked” asking me out, I got sick in the bathroom. I knew in my gut there was no way. I didn’t trust him and I surely wasn’t putting my family on the line for his sick a**. I knew the first time I met him (interview) that he was nuts and a cheat because he said something inappropriate to me that very day. I just thought he was smarmy and wrote it off.
So I’m a dreamer and exactly as you say, Vision, I allowed my life-cheating la-la existence to substitute for living and also to hide all the horror, slime and ugliness that truly was this sinister monster at work. For this, I am extremely infuriated with myself.
What is so difficult to say is that I think some folks (I used to do this years ago but thankfully maturity and therapy helped me turn it around completely) stay stuck in this sick relationship, whether it’s over or not because it’s easier for them than taking ahold of life and living it. We all need time to grieve and vent and being able to share on this blog and in other ways is invaluable. But getting stuck for life on anything or anyone when you *do* have a choice, is sad. I am afraid I’m getting stuck there myself for the first time in decades. I do have a habit of getting obsessed with some situations until I get to the bottom of them to my satisfaction. I haven’t been able to get there w/him. And I don’t understand why it matters so much. Perhaps in hanging on, I’m doing what I so fear and detest, attaching myself to the impossible so I don’t have to face the realities of my life.
Honestly, I don’t know if this monster at work was a path or not. He did hit on me, but no love-bombing or anything like that. And he did bait me, then run the other way. Lots of contradictory behavior. And he was fired, but I was unsuccessful in finding out why and I let him use and abuse me to protect himself. When I look back, there were so many things I could have said and wish I had. I was completely into doing and being whatever I thought he liked, wanted, needed. It DISGUSTS ME!! It was a short term job, (a little over a year; I worked with *it* for about 8 mos) and I didn’t really get to know people very well so no info.
I want to get to where it doesn’t matter *who* or *what* he is or *why* he acted out w/me as he did. Somehow it still matters and that is just a huge disappointment and problem for me. I suppose I am afraid on the other side of it is nothingness.
I write all this not just to air my inner fury over this, but to let others know that it is OK to just let it go! I have friends who wouldn’t angst over these pathetic creeps for one minute.
I recall another time I was definitely w/a path (I was about 30 and single and no internet)and he wreaked havoc on my life…I did not have a *clue* what was going on. On a very pivotal day, he did something so cruel and heinous, I called my sister-in-law right where I was (concert venue, at a charity event no less) and she said to me, “Still, I don’t understand why you keep choosing abusive men. I respect myself way too much to ever have done that. I just don’t understand it. Come on over for dinner.”
Her words were very meaningful to me and I’ve clung to them.
Every time we think of these insidious sick f’s, we are disrespecting ourselves and falling further into a hole. It is not good fodder for daydreaming.
What’s really bizarre and sickening is that both of these horrendous creatures have the same first name, one they don’t deserve.
I’ll shut up now.
I’ve never been an optimist…always see the glass half empty. If I had taken that test, I would have guessed super high on all the bad things! Maybe just getting knocked down too many times in life.
As I read through the comments, it does help me not to feel so alone. I could really relate to dorothy’s comment about feeling bad about having sex with someone who is saying they love you and you feel you love the person they are showing to you, and then feeling so bad as they become so rotten pretty quickly afterwards….once they have you.
When more optimistic people were writing about their hopes and dreams and optimistic thoughts concerning a significant other, all that came to my mind is my mother constantly telling my sisters and I that we would be so lucky to find someone like “daddy” and that he was the most wonderful man in the world and we probably would never even BE ABLE to find a man like him. It was drilled into us repeatedly over many years. We have to adore him. We can’t let him get upset because he is so much more important than the rest of the family.
It has taken me decades to see the truth. He is not a wonderful person. He suffers from horrible narcissism. He is a terrible gambling and food addict. He made fun of us all of the time. Put down little girls to make himself feel good! He expected perfection. He hit us. He verbally and emotionally abused us all of the time. But ALL of us were so brainwashed into what our mother said, we did, do, and continue to find men just like HIM or worse. A lot of my attraction to this type of man is definitely the “nurture” aspect.
Still reeling, I’ve been blogging on a salsa website too, asking for advice on how to deal with a salsa crush that won’t fade. You will never guess what the advice is! NO CONTACT. In order to do this, I would have to completely drop out of the salsa scene, which would be incredibly sad for me after 9 or 10 months of immersion. I know they are right. I’m hoping if I get a small inheritance (big IF) that I can pursue a former dream of moving to a smaller town farther south and take up salsa dancing there. Hopefully, I won’t get into this mess again. But I did notice that last week I went to California to visit a friend and missed a few salsa club nights. I also went to AZ a few weeks before. Both times, it really helped me detach.
I think it’s really really important that in the time you are NO CONTACT you are not just using your time to sit around obsessing. Do something you enjoy – take classes, volunteer, get out and meet people. This will give you breaks from the obsession. When you have enough breaks, the energy you spent on the obsession will eventually dissipate. I know this will be true for me if I just stop going to clubs and salsa classes. But I’m not ready to give that up yet. I’m gonna see if just limiting the contact and number of dances will help. I’ve detached before in that way. Problem is, when I pull away, he starts coming closer, and I get sucked back in. It’s been going on for a long time. I need to just stay strong. But I have to say, I was obsessed with my neighbor, this rock star dude, for 2 years. I blogged about him on here a lot. A month after I took up salsa dancing, I totally forgot about him. So do something that gives you joy and confidence. For me, it has been dancing. Something where you will build your self-esteem and get to express yourself.
Star…….I will tell you that for the last three months, I was so knocked on my ass by this Spath break up, I barely had enough energy to go to the bathroom! Yeah……dancing……..that was NOT even an option. I was GONE!
Awesome that it helps you though. I’m hoping now that Spring is here,,,,,I’m going to start feeling a lot better. I’m sure of it.
dorothy2 – my hand went to my heart when I read your comment about rape. Yes. I also feel raped – not physically, but in the part of me most precious to me, that was abused by the spath. I feel like that part of me is also buried under a pile of rocks (hmm, rather cairn-like). So, I slammed a large boulder over the whole experience, my most precious part is under a pile of rocks – and I feel like I am trapped. That all makes sense. As does your obsession with the repetition of certain scenes from your experience. They are all landmarks on our respective paths. Take heart and be brave when investigating these scenes you play over and over – discover what wisdom there is in them.
stillreeling – is there not a similarity in ‘getting stuck’ and the fantasy of never real/ loveing relationships? both are a repetition of something that takes us away from ourselves.
guilty of it here, also. spath wouldn’t have hooked me if I wasn’t. i am also a compulsive overeater and a workaholic. i am chock full of transferable addictive behaviour.
loved your post, by the way.
That should have been ‘loving’ not ‘loveing.’ I need the edit feature more than most. 🙂
I’ve been reading every pearl of wisdom on this site for many months now – you have all been such a blessing to me & I thank God I found you & this site.
Dorothy2’s description of ‘being so down she could barely make herself get up
to go to the bathroom” is exactly where I too was when I saw Donna’s story on
Lifetime & learned abt this website. For the 1st time in my life I dreaded waking up; because… when I woke up, I had to face the reality that my life, my future & all hope had been destroyed by my s’path spouse of 6 months who skipped town leaving me penniless to face a mountain of debt; As soon as I opened my eyes, this thought came crashing into my head & heart & refused to leave;. “I truly Do NOT Want to be Alive ” . I NEVER considered killing myself, I just wanted to be dead, gone.. And Knowing that I really really meant it, took me to a level of despair I couldn’t have ever imagined was possible.
That’s why Dorothy 2’s comment seemed like a good place to write this 1st comment… I can SOOO understand where U were.
I have to spend the rest of tonight sorting out the tax mess s’path left me with so I won’t be able to share anything from my nightmare that might be helpful to all of U who have helped me muster up the guts & will to start dragging my sorry self out of this pit of hopelessness. When I Can , I will share a thumbnail version of the damage this s’path ghoul did to my life that in reality, I may be too old and crushed to ever recover from.
You have all helped me to stop beating myself up so badly & to least keep putting one foot in front of the other to face each day as best I can… Even when the prospect of working til I’m 75 makes me want to give up. I thank you all from the bottom of (what’s left of) my heart⤠for sharing your stories, your wisdom and experience. Be back after I duke it out w/ the IRS.
Blessings on your day, Stunned
still reeling,
I am also a romantic and an optimist.I think those qualities have alot to do with being willing to “stick it out”. And give spath more chances than he deserves,to make all those changes he keeps promising to make!
But,after some time I realized that ‘standing by’ an abusive husband that I couldn’t make myself love or respect,wouldn’t ever make me happy.There was no romance;and I sure didn’t feel optimistic!
fightsforwhatsright,
Even in homes where mothers haven’t told their daughters they should marry replicas of daddy,studies have shown that girls usually grow up to follow in their mother’s footsteps.They are affected by what they SEE and EXPERIENCE in the home,although it’s true that they’ll pick up ideas from things HEARD also.It’s sad,but many of us have grown up in dysfunctional homes.It’s the ‘domino effect.’
Stunned, so sorry to read of your experience. Horrible. Please keep us updated, wishing you peace and sending you best wishes
Still, loved your post. “He was my mental “go-to” for almost 2 years, when I didn’t feel like living in reality. The minute I hit the car, (no more playing music)” me too.. The music stopped when he entered / broke into my life. How strange. I love music. I just stopped listening. And reading. I took cd’s on holiday to play in his car. I put in “desire” by Bob Dylan and started singing. He doesn’t speak English so he didn’t understand the lyrics I thought when he went silent and turned the volume so low I couldn’t hear the music any more that that was why. But it was also because something was giving me simple pleasure. He hated me singing and English language music that he couldnt follow (he’s French) made him jealous and threatened. Don’t ‘shut up’ Still! Love to you x