By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey
I recently wrote about how partners of sociopaths tend to take responsibility when things go wrong in the relationship, figuring ways to make it better. We then blame ourselves for overlooking warning signs early on, and for not leaving immediately when we did see them. Sometimes we blame our childhoods for the vulnerabilities that made us caretakers who overlook and tolerate abusive or rejecting partners.
Neuroscientists tell us that our behaviors are about 90% driven by our subconscious minds. That means 90% of what we are taking in from a person on a conscious level is being received by our subconscious minds, not our conscious thoughts and experience. It takes a lot longer for our conscious minds to catch up and integrate what we are experiencing on an unconscious, visceral, or “gut” level. Hopefully, this information will help you to give yourself a break!
Optimism in the face of reality
But, there is even more compelling evidence that goes beyond naivete, beyond whatever childhood we may have had or type of personality we might have, that explains why we didn’t see the signs, overlooked them, and stayed. I watched a documentary on brain science, which described a recent study done at the University College, London. Dr. Tali Sharot wanted to find out, “Why do we remain optimistic in the face of reality?”
Subjects were put in a brain scanner and asked what they thought the probability of them encountering 80 different negative events in their lives, such as cancer, Alzheimers, car accident, burglary, bone fracture, sport related accident, heart failure, drug abuse, household accident, diabetes, alcoholism, and death before 60. Initially, the subjects responded well below the actual probabilities, for example guessing 18% chance of getting cancer vs. the actual probability, which is 30%.
After these questions, the subjects were shown the actual percentages of the negative events happening and the great gap of their beliefs and reality. Normally, when people are given new information on a subject, it will alter their view or beliefs. After being given the new correct information, the subjects were asked the same questions all over again while in a brain scanner. Instead of the new information altering their beliefs about them encountering the negative events in their lives like should happen, it had little effect!
Negative, positive and the brain
Here is what they found in the brain scans that explains this: The part of the brain that contains negative information malfunctions, while the part that contains positive information is much more active. The brain willfully ignores negative things, and sees the world through rose-colored glasses.
The reason our brains are formed this way and trick us is for survival reasons. 1) It reduces stress and anxiety, and 2) We are goal driven from an evolutionary standpoint, to ignore risks involved in exploring the world and universe and discovering something novel to better our world. It keeps us striving for a better future. Risk takers who less concerned with playing it safe are the ones who are not afraid to venture out, and who keep our species going.
When thought about from the brain science perspective, there is good reason that we ignored the negative, which does not in any way point to a personality or moral flaw. It’s just the way we are.
Dorothy2, I understand what it’s like to be knocked down so low that you can’t even get out of bed. I have been there over several guys, not just the spath. With trauma, sometimes you just need to be very gentle with yourself – if you can’t do anything else, take a warm bath or call a friend.
But I have been surprised how many times I felt really down and didn’t have the energy to do anything. I forced myself to go to Zumba class or salsa class, and the exercise seemed to lift my mood. It’s the endorphins that get released when you exercise. Plus I’ve made some friends in these places whom I now consider very much like a family. Being around people who care seems to lift my spirits too.
I’ve also gotten aura cleansings when I feel like I’ve been “slimed” by toxic people. They actually do work. The key is to move energy. If you are obsessing and obsessing, you are energetically stuck. You need to get unstuck. There are many ways to move energy. Sometimes you can have an imaginary conversation. Or you can breathe in such a way to stop holding tension in your gut. Or you can exercise. Focusing on something outside of yourself sometimes helps. Prayer can help – ask God to help and then give your troubles over to him/her. Massage or Reiki can help. There are a number of forms of energy work that are very effective. Pick one and try it. Even if you do nothing, it is likely that with time alone, you will eventually heal, as long as you don’t get stuck in the victim phase. But you can speed it up by doing some of the things I mentioned.
You look for small changes when you are healing – momentary shifts in your awareness, stopping to enjoy a sight or sound. In this moment, when you are completely present, you are moving energy. Just forcing yourself to be in the present moment, focusing on things around you and what is going on in your body can help shed a light on the pain you are dealing with and move it around a little to where you can look at it, process it, and release it, without being too identified with it.
We get into these mental states where we feel we are so screwed up and nothing will help, or it will take forever. It may “feel” like this because maybe you are in fear and are tied up in knots, or maybe you are very angry. But these things are not permanent. It actually requires a lot of energy to hold these things in. If you shine the light of awareness on them, they often shift and become manageable. For instance, “Why am I afraid? What does the fear feel like in my body?” Often when I ask myself these questions, the fear will expand and come up as I’m watching it with my inner awareness. I will feel it completely and then it will be gone. It is the AVOIDANCE of the negative emotions that make life so difficult and seem so impossible.
Stargazer, thank you. I know your suggestions are valid but they feel so out of reach to me right now. I do feel stuck. Emotionally constipated and I have an anger towards him tat seems like the ONLY way it could be released is to express it to him and have him keep his F’ing mouth shut long enough to hear it. I just want him to hear me tell him what he has done. Pointless I’m sure.
I’m going to copy and past your two posts to look at and try to pick something to at least take a step in the right direction. No dancing though. 🙂
dorothy2,
Have you ever thought of closing the blinds,turning the radio up and “letting go”,getting rid of your feelings?And as Donna suggests,have a pillow handy(with his face on it).
Maybe once you’ve gotten past letting your anger out,you can get on with the healing process.
Welcome Stunned.
Blossom, I live in an rea that I can say or do anything without any concern about who hears it. 🙂
My frustration and anger lye in the fact that I can not tell him. I’d like to tie his worthless a** up and duct tape his mouth shut and splain to him exactly what he has done and how much it has affected me. I’d like Dr. Phill, Donna, George Simon, Lundt Bancroft, Robert Hare, Martha Stout and Judge Judy to all be there. Take the tape off his mouth just long enough to dig himself a little deeper in the hole and then turn them loose on his sorry, lying a**. THAT is my one and only desire and it will never happen. I’d like to have all the facts……be able to prove beyond any chance of him being able to wiggle out that he has been lying to me for te entire time we were together.
{{Thanks Blossom}}
Dorothy2, I’ve been where you are many times, even down to feeling like I can’t make too much sound in my condo when I needed to rage. So THIS is where you’re stuck – you don’t need to go dancing or smell the roses – you need to get the anger out of you. First step is to know it’s there, which you do. For me, it is often masked as depression. Second step is to realize that getting through it IS within your reach and it’s not as hard as you think it is. Third step is to know that you deserve to release it and get to the other side of it.
It is very important to know that you are totally in charge of this anger, and releasing it is NOT dependent on him being in the room and being duct taped. However, you can conjure up a very vivid fantasy that he is in the room and you are duct taping his mouth and yelling at him. Feel the anger while you are doing it. It is just energy. Once you start to really experience it without shutting it down, it will slowly do what it needs to do and then it will dissipate. It’s not as hard as you think it is. After you’ve done this a few times, you will find it very empowering to know that you have control over your feelings, and that they don’t have to hold you hostage.
Wow, can’t edit my comments anymore. So I have another add-on. Start with the fact that you are feeling frustrated that you can’t express your anger directly to the spath. It’s great to be aware that you are frustrated. This is good awareness, and it’s a good start. Keep talking about why you are frustrated. Talk to God, to a friend, to a therapist, to us, to an empty chair…..just put it out there. You may find yourself having the conversation you need to have with him with God, the therapist, or the empty chair. If you don’t stop the process, it will just come out. Sometimes just feeling the anger in your body and not avoiding the feeling will help it move. You will know when it starts to move – you will feel a little lighter. You may feel sadness when the energy moves up to your heart. You may need to picture the spath in front of you. Put up a picture of him and talk to the picture. It’s important with anger to bring the energy up to your eyes, which means you’re seeing the person in front of you. That’s why it may help to have a therapist, because you can temporarily transfer your anger onto them, just from the eye contact. Remember, you are doing energy work – so you need to take some steps to move this energy (anger) out of your body. The way out is often through. You can do this.
Stargazer…..I am not the type of person who feels bad about being angry. AT ALL! LOL
I’m positive at this point that this is tied to very very early traumatic damage. I really want to address it but I can’t seem to find a good therapist yet. I’m suposed to see someone tomorrow so I’m hoping hoping hoping that we click.
I’m just overwhelmed with it ALL! My whole life got behind while I was with Spath x. He occupied me. SO subtle too. He can not be alone and when I’m on my own…..weekends are mostly veg days and week days are get it done days. God he took up so much of my life and time……I really need to get my ducks back in a row.
Thanks again Stargazer…….I’m sleepie so good night.
Blosson, Tea, One Joy, Star, thank you all for your encouragement and sharing yourselves w/me. We have so much in common but that would make sense, wouldn’t it? A lot of folks would walk away from a person who even displayed a whiff of what we accepted and excused but we have to accept that is not the case with us. Ever vigilant.
I know what the payoff is for me. It’s what it always has been all through my life, a way to stave off the real world and deal with issues I feel I can’t handle. Even though I have lived life, worked, paid bills, raised a child, cleaned house, enjoyed friends, living in a fantasy bubble has always been my escape from those things I am unable to face.
Per Mincheff Joyce, I am of the same mindset re: wiring and nurture as well. For these sick individuals to behave as they do, there has to be a brain chemistry issue. In my case, the path seems to have been nurtured in a way that worsened an already disordered mind. I think he had a huge amt of anger towards women and was a true misogynist, not uncommon for paths. Being older, I was a perfect target for his love/hate w/mother, older sisters, wife, mil (pure hatred for her) and other “matriarchs” in the family. He did not want me, he wanted to control me, one of his peon employees who filled the bill SO well. However, I did not see the reality of this at the time. I have to say I did think about it but as MJ said:
“****People who have empathy don’t expect others to be without it****. When they first see the effect exhibited by the person who they are drawn to, they don’t comprehend that they are witnessing the result of a disordered mind. They continue the relationship thinking that the bad acts are “errors” and that communication and caring can make them stop because, as you admirably point out, we are optimists”
Wow, exactly. And I am not an optimist….however you have answered the question that has been gnawing at me since I realized he was acting weirdly, one day being so “there,” and in the moment and hitting on me, the next telling me I should move Out West “I’d love it there!” What???? I couldn’t believe it. How could he be so attracted to me one day and the next let me know he was fine w/losing me, and actually pushing me out of his life? Shortly thereafter, he admonished me for running an errand for my daughter, which involved meeting up w/a young man and giving him some concert tickets…”What do you mean, you’re going to look for some guy you don’t know? That’s not a good idea. Why are you doing that?” Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? He had just told me to move out west so why the fake caring/jealousy routine? This constant contradictory behavior was something I just did not understand at all.
Well I get it now but then, I just made the old excuses as MJ describes and considered his behavior, yes odd, but surely the result of his increasing inability to handle his miserable home situation (crumbling marriage)along with his high pressure job.
How could big important him possibly have time for insignificant, older me? Boy was I perfect for him or what? He placed a big Cog Diss Salad in my head and just kept tossing it for his amusement.
Hope some of this makes sense. Bad day. Kind of just pieced it together. But hope it’s helpful to some.