By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey
I recently wrote about how partners of sociopaths tend to take responsibility when things go wrong in the relationship, figuring ways to make it better. We then blame ourselves for overlooking warning signs early on, and for not leaving immediately when we did see them. Sometimes we blame our childhoods for the vulnerabilities that made us caretakers who overlook and tolerate abusive or rejecting partners.
Neuroscientists tell us that our behaviors are about 90% driven by our subconscious minds. That means 90% of what we are taking in from a person on a conscious level is being received by our subconscious minds, not our conscious thoughts and experience. It takes a lot longer for our conscious minds to catch up and integrate what we are experiencing on an unconscious, visceral, or “gut” level. Hopefully, this information will help you to give yourself a break!
Optimism in the face of reality
But, there is even more compelling evidence that goes beyond naivete, beyond whatever childhood we may have had or type of personality we might have, that explains why we didn’t see the signs, overlooked them, and stayed. I watched a documentary on brain science, which described a recent study done at the University College, London. Dr. Tali Sharot wanted to find out, “Why do we remain optimistic in the face of reality?”
Subjects were put in a brain scanner and asked what they thought the probability of them encountering 80 different negative events in their lives, such as cancer, Alzheimers, car accident, burglary, bone fracture, sport related accident, heart failure, drug abuse, household accident, diabetes, alcoholism, and death before 60. Initially, the subjects responded well below the actual probabilities, for example guessing 18% chance of getting cancer vs. the actual probability, which is 30%.
After these questions, the subjects were shown the actual percentages of the negative events happening and the great gap of their beliefs and reality. Normally, when people are given new information on a subject, it will alter their view or beliefs. After being given the new correct information, the subjects were asked the same questions all over again while in a brain scanner. Instead of the new information altering their beliefs about them encountering the negative events in their lives like should happen, it had little effect!
Negative, positive and the brain
Here is what they found in the brain scans that explains this: The part of the brain that contains negative information malfunctions, while the part that contains positive information is much more active. The brain willfully ignores negative things, and sees the world through rose-colored glasses.
The reason our brains are formed this way and trick us is for survival reasons. 1) It reduces stress and anxiety, and 2) We are goal driven from an evolutionary standpoint, to ignore risks involved in exploring the world and universe and discovering something novel to better our world. It keeps us striving for a better future. Risk takers who less concerned with playing it safe are the ones who are not afraid to venture out, and who keep our species going.
When thought about from the brain science perspective, there is good reason that we ignored the negative, which does not in any way point to a personality or moral flaw. It’s just the way we are.
Apparently, I am (choosing the wrong type of men), still reeling. But I think my choice this time was a little better than the last time. I’m moving up in the world. It is really very rare when any guy gets my attention these days.
Star, I feel a strong kinship w/you and others on this forum. We all share some commonalities in the way we are wired, personality traits, etc. In communicating, we are all to some degree talking to ourselves. I know I am, without even realizing it.
I, too, chose the wrong types of guys one after the other after the other, all the way back to 3rd grade!!! I still remember how much it hurt back then!! OMG. I only found unavailable guys attractive. Why? Probably fear. I don’t know. Nature and nurture for sure. The times that things turned around and they became interested in me, I would immediatlely have no interest in them anymore.
I spent my high school years chasing a guy who was so wrong for me I can’t even describe it and the rest of the time,I hated life anyway because my esteem was so low and I had no goals except guys and only chose the wrong ones.
Once I was in college, I had guys all over the place, nice, educated, kind, upstanding because I was so pretty. Not bragging. I didn’t choose my looks. They helped my low self-esteem but in a very transient way. Relationships like I dreamed of don’t last if based upon looks. And I was so insecure, I was constantly anxious, thinking that they chose me for my looks so certainly that would wear off and the next date or the next they would see who I really was, stupid, not worldly or knowledgable, needy. Dating was a bad scene for me. When I would accidentally like someone who was truly a good person and liked me back, seemingly for who I was, I’d find a way to screw it up by expecting too much or deciding they were creepy, or thinking I was going to lose them so why get too involved?
My 20’s sucked. My 30’s were a little better. The last guy I dated before my husband was so messed up, it isn’t even funny. He was a very nice, intelligent guy and I very much cared for and respected him, but he was so so so emotionally unavailable, withdrawn around other people, painfully so, had just gotten up the strength in his 30’s to go into a store for the first time for example. The couple of times we went out with other people to dinner, he was unable to speak. It was not a good match, not for me. I was frustrated with him constantly as he could only give so much, and honestly I needed more and mentally healthier. He told me no one could ever meet my needs. And he’s probably right! But for certain, he couldn’t! Every time we tried to talk, he said a white wall of anxiety went up and he couldn’t communicate. Well, I have severe anxiety issues so I felt his pain, but I also needed a strong and loving presence in my life and that is just how it was.
The next person I met was my husband, amazing person, nice guy, very very trustworthy (I think), great dad, etc. Another emotionally constipated guy tho. It’s been rough for both of us and way too much work for him. He is unable to move from his comfort zone so you know how that works. No relationship gets better if you can’t communicate and open up. Not in my world anyway. I care deeply for him but I gave up a long time ago trying to get anything from him so I’ve been slowly drying up emotionally.
When path came into my life, I was ripe for his attention, admiration and appreciation. I came to life! My husband doesn’t compliment. Path was complimentary, not love-bombing or anything, but definitely high on me, in a bizarre way. I don’t even like thinking about how he hoodwinked and sucked me in. I was so needy for attention, I acted like an attention-deprived puppy. So embarrassing and humiliating. When I think of some of the things I said….it was like I had broken out of jail and had someone to share feelings with again. My gut was well aware, my heart was 100% smitten and not listening to anything but possibility, whatever that might turn out to be.
All this to say, I feel connected to you and others on this forum because we obviously have much in common. Anyone who has been chosen by and fallen for a path is in a very special sisterhood. We are connected by a gentle and sensitive spirit, common nature and or nuture, a certain neediness, a bit of an obsessive nature, definitely folks who want and need to understand “why.” These are not bad traits, they are very humane, loving and intelligent characteristics. We all deserve better and that means making choices that allow us to feel fulfilled and happy, making choices that allow us to give the way we need to give and receive in kind.
My guess is that once you decide to love yourself better, you will choose a different kind of guy who will open up to you, therefore allowing you, Star, to feel comfortable sharing your feelings with them. It is very hard to be upfront with someone who is a blank wall. I don’t say you shouldn’t, but why make it so hard on yourself? You aren’t comfortable with a shy, emotionally constipated guy, and there are others out there who would love to love you and will not be shy about it! Give it a chance, Star. You deserve better. I’m so glad you are going to therapy and hope the counselor is a good one. Hugs
Still reeling, I can’t say it’s been a lifelong pattern for me to be attracted to unavailable men, though I’ve longed and pined for a few. I’ve had some longterm relationships, mostly in my younger years, with some wonderful men who all wanted to marry me. But after the honeymoon stage wore off with them, they were not as desirable to me for whatever reason. I can say that I was young and wanted to have a lot of different romantic/sexual experiences, and I wanted to have a lot of fun. Those guys were all 10 years older than me (or more) and were at a different place in their lives. They weren’t meeting all my needs for adventure in my young life. They knew who they were and where they were going in life, and I didn’t. I’m sure my lack of knowing myself had a lot to do with my inability to love and commit. I still think knowing myself better, knowing what I want, and being able to communicate what I want is key. Then if a man cannot step up to the plate, I can move on. But I can’t move on if I have not put myself out there to begin with. I always end up wondering “what if?”. This is where I’ve gotten stuck with some of the men in my life that I pined for, like this guy. I go into anxiety and can’t open up with them. That is just my PTSD. The few times I’ve risked my feelings with a love interest, it has had a good outcome 100% of the time. Even if the guy wasn’t interested (which happened a few times), I felt released because I’d put it out there. I haven’t done it here due to the PTSD, and it is causing me a lot of stress. And I can’t run away because this guy is in my social circle. Neurosis sucks!
I agree about how increasing self-love is the key. But that is kind of a blanket statement. What does that exactly look like in a given situation? For me, self-love means identifying what I want and feeling like I deserve to express it and go after it. That’s what it looks like to me at the moment. In other situations, self-love might mean getting enough sleep, exercising, or eating well, all of which I already do.
Relationships are mysterious and fascinating, and as you pointed out in so many words, they are a mirror for where we are in our quest for love. I have not yet learned what I’m supposed to learn from this salsa guy. I need to keep it light and positive and not get bogged down into the neurosis, where I become even afraid to go out dancing anymore.
Wow excellent post, Star and thx for the insight. You said,
“I can say that I was young and wanted to have a lot of different romantic/sexual experiences, and I wanted to have a lot of fun. Those guys were all 10 years older than me (or more) and were at a different place in their lives. They weren’t meeting all my needs for adventure in my young life. They knew who they were and where they were going in life, and I didn’t. I’m sure my lack of knowing myself had a lot to do with my inability to love and commit.”
This is so true and so difficult to understand when you’re in the middle of it. Unfortunatley, depending on your level of esteem or self-knowledge, as you state, you can end up feeling hopeless after experiences like this esp over a period of time. “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with them? Will I ever find a match?”
And really, as you say, it could be as simple as a matter of timing but depending on who and how you are, you don’t see it that simply at the time.
I’m sorry about the PTSD and from what you said in your comment, I can see that it is very important to you to be able to state your case and put your feelings out there! Anx is no fun, and I agree, *dammmmmmmed* neuroses! I wish you luck with this and you sound very strong and committed to this goal. I know it’s in the cards for you.
You’re right about self-love! We express it to ourselves as we need it….and many facets to it. It is a broad term. I guess I see it as full acceptance of self with quirks, warts, mistakes, shouldas, couldas and wouldas (regrets). For you, besides taking good physical care of yourself, “self-love means identifying what I want and feeling like I deserve to express it and go after it.” So you must do this. It can’t hurt and as you said, has worked for you 100% of the time. I look forward to reading of your success.
I love this on relationships: “a mirror for where we are in our quest for love.” SO eloquent and so true.
Don’t stop dancing!!!!
Thanks, still reeling. FYI, I just had the aura cleansing today, and WHAT A DIFFERENCE! 75% of the anxiety is gone. I feel so much lighter. It’s amazing. Works so much better than so many other things I’ve tried. And the best part, it was free! (though I gave them a small donation). I think I’ll start going every week.
To respond to what you said before about how we wonder what’s wrong with us when our relationships fail, this was a moot point for me until I was about 37. That’s when I started seriously looking and wanting to commit. I honestly wasn’t ready before then, so I didn’t judge myself for being single. That, and I hadn’t met the right person yet. Now, at 52, I start wondering, but it’s all very lighthearted because I’d rather be single than be in half the marriages I see out there that aren’t fulfilling.
Anyway, I have a date tonight with another guy from the salsa club. He’s coming over to listen to some salsa music and hang out, while I work on this big project I have to do regarding my mother’s estate (ugh). I doubt it will amount to anything because he seems a little young for me. I’m actually looking forward to going to the club tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to seeing my “crush” again and enjoying his company and being in the moment with whatever happens.
The aura cleansing sounds amazing. I need to look into that if it isn’t too expensive. No money right now and job prospects are dim. Almost a year of searching. Ah well.
I had no idea you were 52, not that that’s old but most of my responses to you were based on your being 30 or younger! Changes things a lot. You know yourself and what you want as far as marriage….boy yeah, marriage is a rough one these days for many people. Expectations are crazy and commitment is but an email or FB exchance from being all but a faded memory. It’s pretty bad. I think tech has destroyed some marriages that could have been fine.
So interesting about your feelings re: what’s wrong with us when our r.ships fail….I’m pretty sure I had the same experience till I was in my late 30’s as well. I didn’t judge myself either. I was just a huge stupid romantic that refused to see what marriage was really all about and I wanted my image of it very badly. Each r.ship I had was a disaster both because of the people I chose to be with as well as my unrealistic expectations.
I so hear you on looking back and wondering now that we are a bit more mature. My thinking is almost completely the opposite of what it was back then. I’m convinced Mother Nature wants us all to procreate so forces us into that situation. Some resist. You did. I didn’t. I’m glad you are happy today as a single, strong woman!!! Kudos!!
I so hope you enjoyed your date last night and that at least you had some laughs and a nice glow after he left, even if it’s just as a good friend. Last night I had dinner and a movie with my best friend since *9th grade!!*. And we always leave each other with such a warm feeling. I love it, esp these days being so depressed about work, aging, fears about $, etc.
Also, enjoy your “crush” today/this evening and let me know how it went. Go ahead, say a little something and see how it goes. What do you have to lose???????
Take care Star and enjoy.
Oh, when I got the energy clearing today, the lady who was doing it said something very valuable to me. She said that my anxiety would dissipate when I realize my self-worth is not tied into whether this guy rejects me or not. So true.
Boy is that ever true! Even though feminism and liberation have the norm for so many years now, many, many women still look for validation through a mans’ eyes. Why, why, why? When path was in my life, every day was a struggle. Since I was 10+ years older, (a 3 yr old *would* be iso a mother, right?) and brought up to believe appearance was *everything*, it was SO difficult for me to get ready in the AM and keep myself looking my best all day. It disgusts me that I wouldn’t snack at my desk in case he came in and I had food in my teeth, I ran to the bathroom 10 time/day to check my hair, makeup, clothing. You can’t believe the self-loathing this caused each time I engaged in one of these insecure acts. As well, he was promoted in my mind to a higher and more impossibly attainable place with each mirror check or denial of a decent lunch or snack. I realzied it but that didn’t help. Some days I didn’t even SEE him and after all the work, day in, day out. SAD and DISGUSTING.
We really kill ourselves with this kind of behavior. It elevates the buy and sucks the worth out of us. Add the inconsistent, unloving, sick, dismissive behavior of path, and you have a situation that is going to cause endless pain and humiliation. I blame myself for so much of this crap. I wish I would have called him out immediately as he was obviously full of it and I knew it.
Still reeling, how old are you? I do think there are certain developmental stages you pass through every decade, whether you’re single or not. And BTW, the aura cleansings are FREE, but you can give them a small donation if you want. I swear by them but had not gone in years.
I listened to a workshop on CD (Alison Armstrong) on understanding the opposite sex and finding real love. She talks about how we all misrepresent ourselves in even small ways. For instance, I wear padded and push-up bras. When I lost a bunch of weight last year, my boobs were the first thing to go. So last night, I wore no bra so the guy would see the real size of my boobs (though it was not a sleazy outfit). I don’t want to hide anything. I also show up at various places with no make-up so people can see me for what I really look like. Make up covers a multitude of sins. So do body toner undergarments. Even though I was much older than my date last night, even though my boobs were their normal size, and even though I wore minimal make-up, the guy was all over me. I think there’s something to be said for authenticity.
I am slowly pulling away from my salsa crush, as my self-esteem is lifting. I feel like I’ve wasted enough time waiting for him to come around. I don’t want to waste one more minute on this guy. But if there is an opportunity to find out why he has behaved the way he has, I may take it. I figure it’s one of the following: 1) He is not attracted to me (though behaviors would indicate otherwise). 2) He’s attracted to me but doesn’t think I’m good enough to date which he may not admit). 3) He’s in love with someone else (possibly his ex-wife). 4) He’s trying to get back together with his ex-wife. Or 5) He’s gay. It’s one of those, and I would love to know which one it is. But the guy I dated last night will be at the salsa club tonight. We are going to have a dance together that will burn the place down! He’s latin and a natural dancer. We danced for an hour and a half last night in my living room, and it was off the hook! I love it when my social life also involves fitness and burning calories. 🙂
Oooooooooooooooooooooo! I love your post, Star. BURN IT DOWN TONIGHT, MY FRIEND!!! Dancing is so healthy (endorphins, plus fun plus salsa has to make you feel sexy and alive!!!). YOU GO!!
I am older than you, Star, by quite a few yrs, but having always been a late bloomer I’m youthful. The last few yrs, which have included path and horrible employment issues of which have spoken have aged me physically but I still look pretty good.
I can’t tell you how much I’ve been thinking about the authenticity thing of late. I *truly* congratulate you on leaving your boobs au natural last night. That is awesome. I totally agree that the more genuine we are, the more confident we become. I have wished so many times that I had not acted the fool in the office, putting all that energy into looks for path. It just made me feel exhausted and ashamed and foolish. You’ve got it down and look what happened!!!! As you and your date proved, it’s YOU he likes, not the angle of your boobs! Many kudos! I have also entertained not wearing makeup to functions to see what happens. I believe this has to happen because I don’t believe in myself at all and still think looks are the most important thing in the world to some degree. It’s kind of disgusting and certainly a waste of a life to feel this way. I think it’s OK to dress nicely, fix hair, etc., if it makes you feel good about yourself, but it you are afraid to be and look the way you really are because you think someone won’t find you attractive, it’s a definite drain on your confidence!
When path hit on me, I told my therapist about it and also told her I don’t cheat for one thing but the other is that I would never want him to see me naked because I’m older and though thin and in shape, gravity has occurred in some areas, plus I had a late-in-life child which had some aging effects on my bod as well. She said, “Still, they don’t care about that stuff, they just want to be close to us.” There may be some truth there!!!!!
I’m so glad you posted and I read it as I truly believe that the more we like ourselves, the happier we will be. Screw any guy that can’t appreciate you for who you are!
Have a blast tonight, you are definitely on the right track. Will salsa crush be there???? Looking forward to hearing how things go.
Love your insights.
Wahey!! Let’s hear it for women of any age. Hope you don’t mind me chiming in here but I was reading about the actress, Jamie Lee Curtis. She refuses to go under the knife and chooses to age naturally. Apparently she cannot stand the phrase “anti-aging”…..I just love that!!
First of all, I love the little math dealie when you log in. It weeds out all the people who can’t do math. If they made them calculus problems, you could truly get the intellectual elite! LOL (that would weed me out though).
So, keeping it real, I do try to look my best, wear clothes that are flattering, and I do wear a little make-up or enhancing bras or girdles when I go out to the club. I wouldn’t even be opposed to getting a nip here and a tuck there if I could afford it and I thought it would look natural. But it’s not a consuming goal for me. If a guy were to ask me out or come to my house, I try to be a little more au natural so he sees what he’s getting. If he doesn’t like my body type, best to know early on, rather than worry I’ll disappoint him. I do go to classes and clubs with my roots grown out and sometimes bra-less to show the real size and shape of the boobage. The guy last night was 33 (!). His compliment to me on the night we met at the club was that I looked very spiritual and when he looked into my eyes, he felt grounded. (A funny comment considering I feel so UNgrounded so much of the time!). His attraction to me had nothing to do with what I was wearing, which was pretty sexy that night. Even in my 20’s and 30’s I used to go out dancing in sweats and ripped up t-shirts with no make-up. Guys would always hit on me because of the way I dance. It’s not the physical appearance that is what attracts a man. Maybe in the initial meeting, in a purely superficial sense, men like eye candy. But what really interests them is what happens when they interact with you. Do you smile and enjoy their company? Do they feel they can open up to you and trust you? Do they feel they have the ability to give you a good time? Do you make them laugh? Can you be silly with them? This is what attracts men. It’s very obvious with younger guys who like older women. Obviously older women do not look as good as younger ones. But we are more authentic, less self-conscious, more interesting, and often just more fun.
One thing my salsa crush guy gave to me is that he made me feel beautiful at 52. He is in his mid-50’s I’m guessing, maybe even older. But when I dance with him, I feel beautiful and ageless. It’s partly because of the connection we have on other levels (which he has acknowledged). Since connecting with him, I am less concerned about trying to be sexier than the next woman and trying to look younger than my age. I think when you meet the right guy, they don’t see the wrinkles and gray hairs. After all, I don’t see them on my salsa crush. He is devastatingly attractive to me. To others, he is probably just some old fuddy duddy.
The thing he said to me a few weeks ago that has had the most impact is that the sexiest thing a woman wears is her smile. I always smile profusely at him when I dance with him because I go into a state of bliss. I often feel when I’m dancing with a guy that they’re not noticing my wrinkles or my shoes, but they’re connecting with my energy, my eye contact, and my joyful smile. I do feel more beautiful when I’m happy but in my sweats with no make-up than when I’m fully dressed to the nines but depressed. What about you guys?
I’m so glad my 40’s are over. Those were the years I chased my youth and tried to prove that I could still attract men in their 20’s and 30’s. Now I just want a man who is vibrant and appreciative of who I am. I can find men of any age attractive. But it’s not very workable anymore with the younger ones because what we want and where we are in our lives just don’t match up. It was very clear with the young guy last night. But it was still a really fun date, and I had to fight him off of me!!
Hi girls!I’ve been following and enjoying the posts here;just didn’t have the courage to be THE ONE to interrupt~thanks strongawoman!
I was a ‘late bloomer’ like still reeling.I always felt like an ‘ugly duckling’ compared to my sisters and other young girls.Now,I realize it was simply because I reached maturity sooner,and was never a petite or small girl.I was naive,and remember that if boys didn’t simply consider me as a friend in school,they flirted as a joke.Usually because they thought it was fun to watch me blush;which I did readily.
Once I’d reached my 30’s and felt like a woman(by then a wife and mother),I felt at ease,and my ‘natural beauty’ began to shine through.But only a little.Because of living with a spath,it was as if clouds were always on the horizon;the sun had a hard time shining through.
But now that I’m not with spath,the light is back,and so is the beauty and the energy.Not the kind of energy that will help me out on the dance floor like stargazer,lol!But the kind of energy that attracts people.The kind of energy that causes me to smile without thinking,or causes my eyes to shine.