Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW: Intensity, Charm, and Sex

 By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey

Most partners described sex with their sociopath as having been more intense than they had ever experienced. It’s one of the factors that confused them into thinking they were with the right person. Sociopaths have the ability to be dynamic, charismatic, attractive, sexy, even hypnotic when they are in predatory mode, in either an extroverted or a subtle way. What fuels this charismatic energy, this sexual electricity? I have come to the conclusion that it has to do with their underlying rage. How does rage translate into charm and sexual intensity, you ask?

Just under the surface rage

Sociopaths build their false selves around control to defend against vulnerability and exposure. Maintaining this control would take a lot of energy which the underlying rage provides. It comes through as intensity, edginess, charisma. It can be magnetic. Down the line, all partners of sociopaths experience the rage that seems to simmer just under the surface, when they do something that offends the sociopath or threatens their cover — like a match to gasoline! If subterfuge and evasion don’t work, their defend/fight mode is ever ready. Think of a soldier as the enemy approaches. He is ready to defend his life and survive at all costs. He is like a cornered wild cat poised to pounce in blink of an eye. Sound familiar?

Feeling safe and protected

At first the sociopath’s strong, take-control persona may have seemed admirable — made their partner feel protected and taken care of, even safe. And, that is, yes, pretty darn sexy and, oh, so confusing later on when everything changes. Now imagine the rage that fuels the control, that edgy, even predatory, energy, and apply it to sex. A partner who is dominant and forward sexually can be pretty exciting. It can be flattering that your partner’s sexual passion for you appears to be insatiable. And, because the sociopath is narcissistic, they will usually make it their business to be very good lovers. They take pride in making sure you are very satisfied. Remember, they’re competing with any lover you may have had. That’s how they see it.

Lots of sex means lots of oxytocin

You’re likely to have a lot of sex with a sociopath, especially early on, which releases a tsunami of oxytocin, the attachment hormone. This could make you feel like you’re “in love” early on, too. Also confusing! Put all this together and you can have an explosion of sexual passion that may overwhelm your defenses and your reason. This could be deliberate on the part of the sociopath, especially in the pursuit phase, or when you become suspicious, or to lure you back when you try to walk away. And/or, it is just how they experience connection, while maintaining a feeling of power and control.

Sex is sex; not love

What partners don’t know at the beginning is that for sociopaths sex is sex. Since emotional connection is a foreign concept, sexual attraction is the only way they experience “love” — in actuality infatuation, obsession, lust. For them, sexual connection may be a substitute for the emotional connection that eludes them in relationships. Orgasm can serve the purpose of feeling good, “loved”, powerful, forgetting everything. For this reason, many sociopaths are sex addicts. When sex is an end in itself obsession, lust, and the feeling of power can be powerfully addictive.

Emotional connection not reciprocated

The lack of emotional connection is what makes it so easy for sociopaths (much to their partners’ shock) to move from their relationship quickly on to another sexual partner. It’s always a rude awakening when a partner of a sociopath realizes down the line or even at the end of the relationship, that the emotional connection they experienced during sex was not reciprocated. It’s hard to realize someone could even operate that way. But, that’s just one more unfathomable aspect of a sociopath’s character that makes connection to them unlike any other