By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey
Throughout graduate school for social work, when the professors were teaching us about how to establish a working therapeutic relationship with a client, they repeatedly drove into us to “have unconditional positive regard for the client.” Implied in that phrase is the stance that we cannot accurately help someone we have prejudged. We learned first and foremost to see the valuable human being behind the behavior, to have compassion, and understand the reasons that brought a person to their present circumstance, even if it is criminal behavior.
People in the helping profession are there in the first place because they are hopeful about making a difference through their work and tend to be optimistic about the processes that make that happen. Therapists believe that people can be honest with themselves and effect change in their lives. We see it happen before our eyes. We believe in the core goodness of human beings.
We see the good in others
Even if you’re not in a helping profession, you were probably raised with values that directed you to treat other people well and see the good in them. We are taught early on to be “nice” to others. If our sibling or friend hurt us, we were trained to make up with them. Most of us are taught that if a rift happens between us and someone else, we should take an honest look at ourselves and take responsibility for our part, not blame the other person. Many of us are raised with ideals, religious or otherwise, of forgiveness and non-judgment, which foster the idea that others should be valued and regarded with compassion and understanding. We should overlook a person’s faults as much as possible. We are taught to “listen to our conscience” to know when we’re doing something wrong. And, if we find we are doing something wrong, then we should change it to the better or right thing. It is expected to think that all humans have this same social concept of a conscience.
Bad behavior in movies
As Americans, we have all been influenced in our perceptions of criminals and bad behavior by movies and TV shows. Scripts are written to be layered, so they will usually show background psychology of why a person has gone wrong, always including some type of brutality or hardship from their past. If you have any heart at all, you have probably felt some compassion for this person. These portrayals encourage that same concept I ingested in graduate school, that people are inherently good. People start out good, and if they do bad things, it is because circumstances have molded them. So, wouldn’t it follow that with the right help or rehabilitation, they could resurrect that good person who got lost along the way?
We do tend to draw the line of redemption before the extreme savagery of, say, a serial killer, a “grudge collector” who opens fire at a crowd or schoolroom, or a terrorist — what the media may refer to as a “psychopath.” A show like “Criminal Minds” makes no bones in graphically portraying the savagery of the sadistic killer, making it hard to perceive that behavior as anything but evil. But, when the show traces his path from abused or neglected child to adult killer, in spite of ourselves, we can feel a twinge of pity for him. It is in the nature of people with consciences to feel empathy, if for no other reason that s/he is a human being like we are.
To make matters worse, we are raised on endless movies about the “bad boy,” or girl, turning around through the power of another’s love, romantic or otherwise. They inspire our faith in humanity. Some of these stories are even true. We cut our teeth on movies like “Beauty and the Beast” and “Aladdin,” driving home the “diamond in the rough” theme, that encourage us in the belief that people are inherently good and are capable of change. They affirm our belief in love.
Hard to accept evil
It’s easier for us to accept badness on a grand scale. There are a multitude of examples throughout recorded history of tyrants dehumanizing or annihilating people in their ruthless grasps for power, and on a lesser scale, cults. We have no problem calling this “evil.” We may understand people like that as having gotten too much power that has clearly corrupted their conscience. But, a regular individual in society must have that core of human goodness that can be turned around. Aren’t they the same as we are? So, they can change, too, right?
We don’t even like to judge people as bad or “evil.” That feels a little evil itself, doesn’t it, because of how we are taught to not judge and give a person the benefit of the doubt?! We don’t consider that everything in nature and psychology is on a spectrum, including the gradations of human evil. We certainly do not recognize evil in that disarming and charming person right before our eyes. Because we’ve been conditioned to believe in the inherent goodness of humanity, and that hope springs eternal, we don’t recognize danger behind those eyes of love. We don’t second-guess love.
This is why we are so we are so completely surprised at the devastation wreaked in our lives once those eyes target us.
Kim, Literature tells us a great deal about ourselves…that is why great writers are able to see into what makes people tic AND express it.
I don’t know if you have read any of Jonathan Kellerman’s mystery books, but he is a psych doc who hhas written about kids who are ACTUALLY “Psychopaths” and he UNDERSTANDS Ps. His novels are great because he incorporates into them about psychopathy, but the bad guy is not always a serial killer type but masks well.
Good read. I’ve about finished all his books. His wife Faye writes too and I like her novels. Their son has started writing, but his books suck.
My favorite books that will make you snort coffee through your nose and also make you cry are written by a little known writer, a doctor from Georgia named Ferrol Sams. His first 3 books are about a young boy growing up on his daddy’s plantation in GA in the 1930s,, working in the fields with his daddy’s hired hands and his best friend is a black kid named Buddy. His daddy is a typicall “good old boy” drinnks and womanizes, and mom is a Southern Baptist…kids grows up, goes to college, then medical school, drops out and goes to WWII then comes home and finishes medical college. First book is “Run with the Horsemen” it is a MUST READ, I think he is on the level with Hemingway.
Must be somewhat autobiographical too is my guess because he knows te people. KNOWS the good ones and the bad ones.
I’ve just finished a couple of “self help” rah-rah you can do anything you set your mind to books that I will write articles about. One guy is very very narcissistic…though he has survived horrible things in his life, he’s also had 3 wives and several common law relationships but has become a “well known” and “successful” (read: made a lot of money) out of being a Tony Robbins disciple. I agree with some of what he “preaches” but the narcissism and the “glossing over” of his own bad behavior sort of SCREAM N/P at me.
In spite of that, I did get some good points from it.
Another one I just sent Donna the article about it and I won’t go into any more detail about it here.
I think by reading other people’s struggles we can gain some insight into our own. LF is a perfect example of that. So is some fiction.
Well, I think they carry the dirt of the homeland that spawned them. In every way. It both protects them from the light of day, (the pity ploy) but, also, allows them to play victim, carry baggage, but, then again they do carry baggage from their child-hood….it’s where they sleep…it’s where they tell themselves it’s not their fault and, sometimes, it isn’t. They are creatures who had their souls sucked out, at a young age and were infected…..just holding with the Vampire myth. here.
Hens, CONGRATULATIONS on your new job, and aren’t “they” just out there, everywhere? LMAO!!! It’s almost like an epidemic, right?
As a complete aside but, possibly relating to the article topic, I learned some really disturbing things last night while I was talking to a friend who has been thoroughly supportive of me for as long as I’ve known her.
I learned that the person that I used to work for has engaged in a series of deliberate misdeeds that included hiring me and relieving me of my job because I didn’t have the required credentials. She had done this, previously, and hired someone who wasn’t even trained, and had to fire her. SO, she hired me knowing – knowing, in advance of hiring me – that she wasn’t permitted to do so. Then, after she “fired” me from my position – it was all very sad and she cried in her office over her “mistake” – she kept me on as an instructor.
Then, there’s her coverup of a recent act of violence that happened outside of the facility. Students are talking about this, but not one staff or faculty member has mentioned this incident. According to the students, this director actually made some comment to the police that there was no need to report this to the college because it hadn’t happened inside of her facility. WTF?! This facility is located in the center of Gangland – in between 2 territories that are always fighting between themselves. Vagrants wander up and down the downtown sidewalks at all hours, and it’s a very dangerous environment, even on a good day!
There are also many, many other things that she’s done that are thoroughly questionable. Like my working my former colleagues hours in exchange for a reduced rent – the director knew about this, and she allowed it. I later found out that this was illegal, and I didn’t know it.
This director is the same person that sent me that check that I felt uncomfortable in accepting and immediately sent back.
WTF?!?! Oy…..
HENS……..They ARE everywhere, and they are in every walk of life, every profession, and every social/cultural group.
Dupey, no wonder you wanted to isolate yourself. I’m feeling like I just want to find a nice, dry cave and become a farking survivalist. No money, no job. Just hunting and gathering.
Brightest blessings
Regarding vampires and our perception of “evil.” The series “Twilight” has spawned a whole new acceptance of sociopathy, don’t you think? I mean, think about it: the vampires SPARKLE when they’re struck by sunlight. This must mean that they have an “inner light” of “good,” right?
Blah, blah, blah….HAPPY FRIDAY!!! 😀
Kim,
ah yes! I see. vampirism/spathy is baggage from the past. so true. it’s passed down through generational violence and genetics.
Truthy,
I’m sorry you are feeling that way. But I do understand, they ARE everywhere! It’s hard to come to terms with that. All we can do is become so adept at recognizing it, that we can sidestep their slime at a moment’s notice.
And there is a gift there too. I NEVER APPRECIATED GOOD PEOPLE BEFORE AS MUCH AS I DO NOW. Never take them for granted. Now, when I see a person who is compassionate and empathetic, it’s like finding a diamond. I just say, “wow, check it out! a real human being. NICE!” Really, there are lots of those too, they just don’t stick out as much.
When I was in the cafe with the kitten killer, I also noticed that the others were feeling his shame. These were “normals” and there were more of them. It’s bizarre to be able to see people’s characters in a way that I never could before. It’s like having x-ray vision.
Recently I was talking with an 80 year old woman about my ex-spath. She was one of the neighbors he terrorized because he could not turn her and her husband against me.
They were so afraid of him they put up a fence between our properties. We never spoke to each other until after spath left.
Our conversation went along the usual lines when I tell people about spaths. Whether I’m talking to a normal or a pathological, it always draws a series of “AHA!” moments from them. The conversation always ends up with them telling me about their uncle joe or aunt millie who drove the family crazy. Or about the sister sue who stole their inheritance even after everyone helped her with her divorce. Or cousin eddie who lives in the basement or whatever. I can see it in their faces when I start explaining shame and envy, they finally understand why their dad dominated their mom and why mom had to be so sneaky to survive. EVERYONE has this crap in their family tree. Some worse than others.
What I told my neighbor is that the spath does serve some purpose: when he enters our garden, all the fence sitters start to show their true colors. Suddenly the evil ones throw down their masks. He is really good at revealing people’s characters. As it turned out, I had only 2 good neighbors and 5 spaths. But that doesn’t really mean anything as far as percentages go. I know he got rid of some of the neighbors so that he could move his minions in. Where there is a will, there is a way. And spaths are nothing if not strong willed.
Skylar, I really appreciate what you’re conveying, here. It’s the ability to recognize truths that has been a “gift” from the spaths, I think. And, that “gift” is hard-won, and a bitter present, to be sure, but that’s the only way that I learn. I don’t learn without experience. Unless I experience it, whatever the subject matter is applies to others, or (worst case scenario) isn’t factual.
I’m watching people far more closely, now. I’m keeping my core self TO myself, now. Finally, I’m realizing and accepting that it’s not a sin or a crime to refuse to tolerate “bad behaviors.” I’m realizing that making decisions and choices that are based upon fear only end up harming me, personally.
Thanks so much for the insight, Skylar. The more that I read and indentify with, the stronger and wiser I’m becoming.
Brightest blessings to you
Truthy, yes, but I dont think everyone is evil, there are nice people everywhere also. I have pretty much been a hunter and gatherer ,survivalist most of my life. I like isolating myself from the so called mainstream corporate world with all their regulations and bullshit. I prefer being self employed as apposed to working for the machine.. Tardy three times and your fired, who needs that stress?
Thanks for the congrats on my new job, but I hate it.. I am not real happy about anything right now. Where is my team? where is my partner to help make it through another day? I have always done it alone.. I dont even have time for my weiners anymore, they are depressed also…
Dont ever give your life over to someone else, when they dont need you anymore your just an empty wal mart sack blowing down a dirty road…
hens:
Yeah, or you are discarded like a used tissue. That’s what I told my spath…boy, did that get a reaction from him. He had ignored me for months and when I texted that to him, he replied within two hours and said he wanted to meet me! But it never culminated. Once again, he was only toying with me. But there was something about me telling him that he had discarded me like a used tissue that got to him big time.
Hens…I am so sorry you are feeling down right now. I get it. I feel down a lot. It’s like a roller coaster ride sometimes and I just want to jump off. It will get better, Hens…it always does. Even if it does get bad again, it does get better. HUGS.
Ox
Yes that is some of them but it goes deeper. Tolerance i. e. the new Tolerance also shows up in group dynamics; the illusion that everybody else is responsible for how I feel. Say the wrong thing and the entitlement of offended throws a fit.
The problem is this way of thinking is in us. We do it without thinking.
Sadly there is a big push to normalize pedophiles. Sick.
As this pertains to the “it” is that we are not connecting behavior with the words and what we want. [keeping things in context] This new Tolerance has helped to disconnect this. We tend to not see our behavior as a factor in what is happening. I feel therefore I am justified in whatever I do. I love the “it” so whatever I do to hold on to the “it” is OK. And the “its” evilness is overlooked to satisfy our feeling. Why? I feel therefore it is true. And we are discounted with the context of what is happening.
On the blog many have come to see that feelings are not facts. Which is a good thing.
Behavior is the only benchmark we have. Does the persons actions backup what they are saying? This is how we determine “trust.” If it does and we see many examples of this. Then we can say that we can trust that this person will keep his word. If not then we can trust that the person will not keep his words. And time to move on.
Love is action. So the behavior must show this for the Love to be true.
We need to apply this to everyone and to ourselves. Is our behavior backing up what we say and what we want? Is their behavior backing up what they say? Is their behavior congruent to what we want?
My 2 Cents
T
Truthy, with all due respect, I wasn’t talking about Twilight…although you have a point, it does romantisize narcississm….I was talking about Bram Stoker’s Dracula…it is chaulk full of symbolism, and I was sharing an ahh-hahh moment I thought may have been of value to someone. I was amazed at the insight.
You seem to have hi-jacked my point and effectively de-railed it, in one fell swoop.
Blah, blah, blah. Pretty condescending. Sorry. Just how I feel.
Is that what you meant to do?