This week the Connecticut Medical Examining Board restored me to the full practice of medicine. Due to the fact that my ex-husband Barry Lichtenthal impersonated a physician and examined female patients in a clinic that I directed, my license was restricted. I am not going to retell the full story today but I am going to comment on some things I have kept silent about. For more details of the story you can read Barry Lichtenthal: Sexual predator ruins the career of Dr. Liane Leedom. Donna Andersen is an excellent journalist and did her own investigation in order to report the story. She uncovered details even I was unaware of.
I want to address the question of whether or not I was Barry’s “accomplice” and the question of what I was aware of in terms of the goings on. The precise answer to the question is that I was an unwitting accomplice. I knew that he told people he was a retired doctor and that he called himself “Dr. Taylor.”
This behavior on his part began shortly after the clinic opened. The first I was aware of it was when I was negotiating a contract with an insurance company. He got on the other line and started schmoozing with the executive. I do not remember exactly what he said but he told the man he was a retired doctor and proceeded to tell funny and entertaining stories. Although I laughed, I was disgusted at this because it seemed infantile on his part and a waste of time. I did not understand this was his “foot in the door” with me and these stories.
I correctly recognized these stories as being pathological lies (pseudologica fantastica). However, I did not understand that all people who are pathological liars are predators. I am now sure that this is the case, though if you read the Mask of Sanity by Dr. Hervey Cleckley, he says that not all pathological liars are psychopaths.
I thought Barry told these stories because he has an ego problem and was threatened by his wife’s status. Again that interpretation was correct, but again I missed the significance of it. I let it go because I thought his pathological lies were harmless entertaining stories that no one really believed any way. Several patients indicated to me they were aware that the stories were entertaining fabrications.
I never told anyone Barry was a doctor. In fact I told every patient I was the only physician at the practice. I realize now this must have been very upsetting and confusing for some people who were being told one thing by me and another thing by Barry. Since he is a professional con artist who do you think was believed?
Because of this terrible judgment on my part, I deserved all the punishment that I received. Since I was part of other people’s victimization, I sought to do everything I could to make amends. The victims were compensated by my malpractice insurance carrier after I provided hours of truthful testimony regarding what happened. The officials of the insurance company believed my explanation that I never intended any fraudulent or criminal activity. I made the wrong decision regarding coping with my husband’s story telling.
Shortly after Barry’s arrest, I had the good fortune to speak with Annie Mcguire from fraudaid.com. It was she who made me aware of Donna Andersen. She and I also had a discussion of the unwitting accomplices of psychopaths. She said this is very common and pointed out that psychopaths could not do what they do without witting and unwitting accomplices. She has written step by step instructions for what to do if you are the unwitting accomplice to financial fraud.
I am speaking out about the fact that I was an unwitting accomplice to fraud to help to bring attention to this phenomenon. Psychopaths con and manipulate people into helping them do their dirty work and sometimes also into doing their dirty work for them. If we can raise public awareness of psychopathy and stop non-psychopaths from helping psychopaths we will be able to do a great deal of prevention. Do not ever help a psychopath in any way or you will be tricked into becoming an accomplice.
Now that gets me to telling the rest of the story. You might be wondering, “What ever happened to Barry Lichtenthal?” It is no surprise that he went to Connecticut State prison where he continued to tell his pathological lies. Prison staff members became his unwitting accomplices when they too did not prevent him from calling himself “doctor” or “doc.”
A law enforcement official told me that it was not illegal for Barry to call himself “doctor” in prison. He said this after I verbally reprimanded him for allowing this to go on. I told him I believe prisoners like Barry need to have a special designation “psychologically dangerous” so that prison staff will not be psychologically harmed by them. It seems odd that if a prisoner is more physically dangerous than average, staff members are warned, but there is no appreciation of the concept of psychological dangerousness.
Now enter another set of accomplices, family members. Even after they knew that Barry is what he is because I told them while also fully explaining the concept of psychopathy; and even after they witnessed his destruction of my life, members of his family participated in his seduction of his next woman. They sent her flowers on his behalf while he was incarcerated. They also did nothing to warn her even though I begged them to.
I was told by inside sources that the prison nurse who married Barry at one point believed he was a doctor. But I have not spoken with her myself to verify this. Donna and I have known about Barry’s new relationship because we both received letters from him while he was incarcerated, and the letters were not all stamped with the prison stamp. I received several letters addressed in a woman’s handwriting and postmarked “Hartford, CT.” Upon seeing the letters I knew that he had yet another person manipulated. I did my own investigation and found out he married a nurse who worked in the prison.
Donna and I did not write about our investigation of Barry and his marriage to the prison nurse because although I have all the documentation of the events that went on in the prison, we have no proof Barry and the nurse were actually married. Donna is a very good journalist and you can trust that she will not tell a story without possessing proof. For more information regarding Barry’s recent activities see Probation department wants access to sex offender’s computer
I pray every day that Barry, now in his 60s has mellowed and become less predatory. I believe that the best person to deal with him is an experienced prison nurse so I hope that situation is going well. I also pray there will be no more victims and no more accomplices.
Hi. They do care?….not!
I was chatting to his ex (we are good friends) turns out that spath’s run off with another woman. That has to be some kind of record cos he only stayed and sponged off his ex for a couple of months.
I feel so sorry for her, I really do, because she loves him.
Anyway she mentioned me to him and his reply was ‘isn’t she dead yet’. I think this sums up what ‘they’ think of us (if they think of us at all) we are dead to them, gone, used, empty and of no further use.
What wank@s.
Hi Candy,
are you there.
nice to hear from you. is this the same ex from whom he took money upto sterling 100k +house+car and the one you advised to GET RID of him.
so he was sleeping with her, sponged off her and left.
all the LF posters in USA are in deep slumber now and I want to ask this question.
do you know of women who are in a relationship with N’s/Ps (not married) and the N is caught cheating and they still take the N back.
I am not talking of wives of N’s, as in a marriage there is lot at stake – finances, property, children, society prsessure, future of children and many wives swallow the bitter pill and for the sake of the family, take the cheating N hubby back, like what the wife of my N did – forgive him after cheating 6 times and took him back.
however, when it is just a relationship, it is easier to cut ends.
I had a stupid thought – that would the N change if multiple of his GFs stop taking them back, or would he just find a new one, or go back to the old one and love bomb her and try to get her sucked in again, which is not that difficult.
Basically trying to think if there is any way / any thing that can make them change to a better person.
I think – NOT, as there will always be a willing new victim.
your thoughts.
petite.
Hi Petite. Was showing people around the cottage – got it up for sale.
Yep, it’s the same woman. She is really a very good person, just got sucked in by him and lost everything.
She had him back sooooooooo many times over 10 years. Think she was lonely.
Trust me he will NOT change. They don’t know how. he was back with her for a coupla months and then ran off with the cleaner! And all that time all he gave her was a few quid. What a low life.
There will always be women like us who fall for the charm (as it is at the time) But NO they cannot change EVER. Thing is with people like us we believe there is good in everyone – well there isn’t. It’s a hard lesson for us to learn or to get our heads ’round, but it’s true.
We may think if we tried to understand them, gave them enough love blah blah then they would change for us. They will not.
Cut your losses, walk away, live to love another day.
Candy,
“Isn’t she dead yet”
Wow. What a profound statement in that that is exactly how they feel about us when they’re done using us!
Petitie, they don’t change. There will always be another woman to dupe. It’s really sad because she will just be YOU….meaning she’ll go through the same thing you did. They don’t stop cheating. Maybe during the love bombing stage until they have a new victim hooked, but then they go out and hook up with someone else,either setting up another triangulation situation or dumping the old victim for the new one. It matters not what she looks like or whom she is, her status nothing. It’s whatever he wants at the time and that is definitely a free for all.
RB
Ox,
I was just reading your post above about the book you’re reading.
That is VERY interesting! My therapist worked with a guy diagnosed as ASPD, however, he was able to be “restored” at some level of function to which he is thriving in healthy ways and doing well. So maybe the idea that ASPD is much different than psychopathy is actually true? The stuff that comes out in research and books is so interesting. I’d love to get my hands on half of what you’ve been reading. How do you FIND these books, Ox?
RB
Dr. Leedom did an article here (can’t remember the name of it sorry) on “treatment” for psychopaths (ASPD or whatever label you want to put on them)–the bottom line is, even if they “improve some” or “get some better” IS THAT THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP? They are still a LONG WAY from being the kind of LOVING PERSON you want. Maybe they quit robbing liquor stores or banks but does that mean they become honest? Probably not. So while treatment might (I say MIGHT) help them in terms of they are no longer CRIMINALs they are still not the kind of people that are ideal mates or friends.
So, you know, the thing is that while the arguments about whether or not “treatment” helps or “can they change or not?” goes on, the BOTTOM LINE IS—can they CHANGE enough for them to be empathetic, kind, honest, caring and compassionate people? Probably not enough to make me want a “reformed” psychopath. Just like the “dry drunks” in AA are still high in psychopathic traits even though they no longer drink alcohol, they are still TOXIC people, hateful, nasty and mean.
As for the books I read about psychopathy, I try to read ones that have been recommended to me, ones by people who research Ps, or do searches and look for various ones that might be interesting. Some are better than others I think.
RB I think you are in the what I call the “intellectualizing” stage of your healing process, and I think that we all to some extent do that. We want to learn about them, what they are, how they think, and also about what we should do to make ourselves better—and intellectually we do it, the “APPLICATION” stage is where it gets tough. Actually applying what we have intellectually learned to our lives and mostly to our THINKING so that our thinking becomes naturally and spontaneously more in tune with our changed ideas and attitudes.
That was the hard part for me. Applying what I had learned to actually DO it. To not only GO NC but to realize that NC gives me peace. To no longer have the desire to break NC. To internalize all the knowledge and actually FEEL comfortable setting boundaries.
In a way it is like riding a 2-wheeled bike, you are wobbly at first and unsure, and anxious that you will fall, but eventually you no longer have to CONTINUALLY Think about peddling or staying balanced,, you just DO IT. It starts to “feel natural.”
It is just llike the quitting smoking. At first when Ii smoked I had to work at not coughing or getting sick, and smoking became “natural” to me—now NOT smoking is becoming more natural and though I have a twinge of “wanting one” from time to time, I am IN CONTROL OF MYSELF and I resist that urge. I may always have a bit of a temptation from time to time for a cigarette, but if I do that is okay, because I AM IN CONTROL OF MYSELF and I WILL resist that urge to do something that is harmful to myself. I made up my mind, and I trust myself not to let myself down. I am trustworthy. I CAN TRUST ME. How can I insist that others be honest with me if I am not honest with myself? If I am not trustworthy with myself?
A long time ago I “made up” the “Eleventh Commandment” which is “thou shalt not fool thy self”—and I think more of us violate that 11th commandment than all the other Ten Commandments put together. Denial—fooling ourselves. Well, I am tired of being in denial. I am tired of making excuses for other’s bad behavior and for my own bad behavior toward myself.
Of course “there is no fanatic like a convert” so I am a bit fanatical toward being honest, and being trustworthy, and also being honest with myself. Now I am finally holding others to the same standards I hold for myself and vice versa. No more excuses for me treating myself badly, no more excuses for others treating me or others badly. Makes life a lot more enjoyable and simple.
Ox,
I have a tendency to agree with you about the “intellectualizing” stage, but this has also opened up a plethora of flooding memories from childhood and the impact that has had on me in that I MORE THAN LIKELY came from a psychopathic family. I mentioned on another thread, my observations that have come back to me in memory about noticing something was quite wrong with these people but just not WHAT. ANY attempt to assert the reality that i knew something was wrong was met with shut down. I learned to shut down my gut instincts, and rather, absorbed what they were saying to be true, in that what THEY were was a healthy approach to life. How the hell I got that idea, I’ll never know. It DOES make sense though with regards to last spath. He was almost PRECISELY like my psycho daddy. Was I trying to fix things? Or just going with what was familiar? I’m not certain yet, probably a combination of that and other things too.
It’s important for me to understand this stuff, even if I have to read about P/S/N’s until my brains fall out because it’s all I ever KNEW. I don’t wish to CHOOSE this again in my life.
I’m NC and plan to REMAIN NC. I’m coming up on month three here of not having seen him physically and month two of his last attempt to contact me. Month three, for me, seems to be the magical number in that my addiction for him overrides any strides or steps toward healing. THIS time, I’m MINDFUL of it, and if I have to come here and post my BRAINS out when I feel like contacting, I will surely do so. I’m also doing a lot of SELF talk, which means for every “good” memory that comes up, I’m replacing with a REALISTIC one about the ENTIRETY of the relationshit, which wasn’t “good” at all. I’ve NEVER done so much reading, reading, reading about psychopathy as I have in the last two months. And I’m going to KEEP reading. It’s a form of deprogramming for me. It inserts TRUTH to the present amongst an ENTIRE HISTORY OF LIES. Including bio fam. I also want to make sure that I am CLEAR about the signs in someone else, while also constructing MORE boundaries to protect myself.
The observations from childhood are still mind blowing for me.
Ox, not only do I NEED to intellectualize, I also am experiencing quite a degree of anger about ALL of it. This isn’t going to be a fast process for me. The more I walk out of the fog, the more I see, actually, the angrier I get.
RB
Anger is an okay part of the process. I suggest you also read about the GRIEF PROCESS, google Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who was a great writer and researcher on grief. Anger is part of that grief which is dealing with the “loss” of something we valued. Whether it was a fantasy or something REAL doesn’t matter, we valued it and we lost it, so now we grieve.
The grief process goes 1,3,2,4,5,1,2, not 1,2, 3, 4, 5. so we roller coaster in and out of anger, sadness, acceptance, bargaining, etc. etc. up and down, back and forth until we finally reach acceptance then we “fall back” again, until one day we realize we are STILL in ACCEPTANCE and have not fallen back. We have finished the grief work for that event. Unfortunately, with me anyway, as soon as I seemed to finish grieving over one thing I had lost, I realized I had lost two more—and when I finished working through those, realized I had another one to deal with. When we lose multiple things at the same time—or relationshiip with X, and our job, our home, our kids, etc etc. we are overwhelmed with the hugeness of the loss and we many times I think go into denial about it all. I found that taking ONE loss at a time and working through it, then going back and taking another one helped. It is referred to as “peeling the onion” and it seems you’ll never get to the bottom of the onion…just keep taking off layers and layers. There is a bottom though, and I think each time you complete a grief process over one item you learn and it makes the next one easier.
Of course the grief with losing items/people that are important to us are bigger and more painful than those for things that are not so big or important, but all loss causes grief and each time we successfully complete the process we are more able to do it the next time.
I think children learn to grieve when they lose a puppy or a kitten, and I think parents who rush out and get the kid another pup or cat to keep them from grieving do a disservice to the child’s learning about life. Learning to cope with loss is one of those things we ALL must learn to do.
Oxy,
You make an excellent point about going NC. I am mostly NC with my husband but we are going through divorce and sometimes I must speak with him. At those times, I feel my whole body well up like one big giant tear of grief and the oppression is HEAVY. That is when I realize the gift of NC, where I am free from viligence, can heal, can feel, don’t have to shut down, no defensiveness, no negative that I can’t change.
To go NC is to have the freedom to reclaim life choices. Hurts at first b/c I had to give up the possibility (lies) that I used to tell myself, that an spath would love and value me. (My saying was, To thine own self be true. Means don’t lie to myself, but also, to be honest and loyal to myself too.) But there is NO TRUTH in a life with spaths. NC is the only way to stop spaths from intruding on TRUTH. Your sharing explains it so perfectly.
Katy,
During those times when I’m having to deal with the aftermath of what N’s and P’s did to my life, I found a puzzle that helps diffuse the emotions. It’s a little block puzzle and I fiddle with it and re-focus from the emotional meltdown to a more intellectual pursuit. It can be any kind of puzzle or crossword, just something that intrigues me long enough to help me forget my emotions.
I guess it’s a type of self-mothering. If you have a kid who is upset about something like going to the doctor/dentist or getting hurt, you might try to distract them with an interesting toy or idea. This seems to work for me.
It even worked for me when I went to talk to my parents last week and we went through about 5 hours of drama. I was thinking about leaving and I put on my coat. In the pocket, was my puzzle and I took it out and started to make shapes with it. It really helped calm me down and focus on what I wanted to say rather than the emotions that had me drowning in pain from my childhood.