Those who have read Just Like His Father? know that sociopathy is a disorder with a strong genetic basis. Science has further established a genetic link between sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. The children of sociopaths, therefore, carry genetic risk for sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. If a genetically at-risk child receives special nurturing during the developmental years, prior to puberty, he/she has the greatest chance to grow up free of these disorders.
To attach real numbers to the problem of sociopathic parents and their children, consider that 25% of U.S. women are victims of domestic violence. Studies of male perpetrators of domestic violence reveal that 50% are sociopaths and another 25% have sociopathic traits but not the full disorder. These statistics reveal that although sociopaths may represent only 4% of the general population, they represent an even larger percentage of the adult male population engaged in reproduction. The situation for sociopathic females is similarly bleak, since conceiving children appears to be part of this disorder.
Given the nature of genetic risk for sociopathy and the need for special parenting, one would think that the Family Courts would take special care of these kids and work to protect them from their sociopathic parents. After all, a biologic child is a dream victim for a sociopath. The child can be subjected to psychological, physical and sexual exploitation and the abused child has no means of escaping the sociopath’s domination except through the courts.
Before you read the rest of this column please watch the trailer for Breaking the Silence: Children’s Stories a PBS documentary. The problems described in the video are not rare. Lovefraud.com has received many letters from parents despirately trying to rescue their children from the hands of sociopaths. Too often the pleas of parents on behalf of children go unheeded by the courts. In line with the video, we too have observed that the courts are often punitive toward a parent who asserts that that the other parent is a potential danger to a child. We have been considering what we can do to help the voiceless children of sociopaths.
New hope for the children of sociopaths may be on the horizon. In 2001, The ACLU filed a complaint against the United States of America with the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights (IACHR). This organization functions as an international court and pursues human rights violations in the Western Hemisphere. The ACLU filed the complaint because earlier that same year, the IACHR held the government of Brazil accountable under international law for tolerating domestic violence in the case of Maria da Penha Maia Fernandes.
The case filed by the ACLU in 2001, on behalf of Jessica Lenehan, is just now being heard by the IACHR. A ruling is expected before year’s end. Lenehan was a victim of domestic violence and mother of three beautiful daughters, Rebecca, 10; Katheryn, 8; and Leslie, 7. Even though Lenehan had a protective order against her former husband, Simon Gonzales, a family court granted visitation rights to Gonzales. Because of this ambiguous situation, the police ignored Lenehan’s pleas to rescue her daughters when her ex-husband took them. The girls were found shot to death later that day. After killing the girls, Gonzales drove to the local police station and was killed by the police when he opened fire on the building.
Last Friday, just before Mother’s Day, ten mothers, one victimized child (now an adult), and leading national/state organizations also filed a complaint against the United States of America with the IACHR. Their petition claims that U.S. courts, by frequently awarding child custody to abusers and child molesters, has failed to protect the life, liberties, security and other human rights of abused mothers and their children. We do not yet know when this case will be heard.
I have long believed that children with genetic risk for sociopathy through a biologic parent, and one parent free of major psychopathology, have the right to the most optimal upbringing the relatively healthy parent can give them. They have a natural human right to grow up free from exploitation by the sociopathic parent. We are a long way from a system that recognizes these human rights for children. These complaints filed in response to blatant abuse of children by sociopathic parents are an important step forward in protecting children.
We at Lovefraud.com are collecting stories of psychological abuse and exploitation of children by sociopathic parents. If your child is the victim of the Family Courts and a sociopathic parent, please write us with your story.
Please also visit truthout.org, for more about Jessic Lenehan and stopfamilyviolence.org for more on the complaint filed last week.
After my husband was able to take over the children he never paid attention to after he decided to dump me for another woman. He manipulated them…bribed them…then distanced me…said it was there decision … never before did they not love me. I have not seen my daughters in two years…I have fought in court and the courts are deaf. My middle daughter is now on cocaine…not graduating from high school. He doesn’t care…I can not help her because he manipulates her. They are now turning into a picture of him…in all ways…sexual promiscuity…laughing at people…unloving and uncaring. I don’t know how you stop them…they are so strong when they decide to destroy. My children are now him.
You are so right, arlenejohnson57, when you say that they (sociopaths) are so strong when they decide to destroy. My daughter is now married to a sociopath who is serving time in prison for conspiracy (stealing vehicles). she is pregnant and he controls her from prison. she has absolutely nothing to do with her family, former friends, etc. This is a person who just last year was in college, an honor student, great job, etc. He has convinced her that his being in prison is because of her daddy and me! She too has exhibited sexual promiscuity, unloving, uncaring behavior, drug abuse, and so on. I don’t think that there’s any way to stop them. They are masters of the game and the average person in no match for them. I wish I could give you some comfort because I’m going through pretty much the same thing. My only positive out of all of this is that it has brought me closer to God. I’m so thankful for that! I do know this…there comes a time when we can do no more; we just have to accept the situation and hope that their earlier upbringing will filter through and they’ll come to their senses. Wish I could be of more help…
After my ex tried to get full custody, a judge appointed a Law Guardian and he was able to get joint custody. Just because I left him, didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to use the children and try ever trick in his “dirty” book to get them to turn against me. He knew how to befriend just the right people to make ME look like the bad one. When we first met, he was charming, had a great job…seemed like the perfect choice and then I found out about all the lies…..a secret bank account he had hidden, an affair he was having before with a married woman that produced a child (that my children still know nothing about and it was over 20 yrs ago). I gave up a great business I had going because he wanted me to devote all my attention to him. When I finally had the courage to leave him, I had nothing! As tempting as it may seem, my advice to other women would be do not stoop to their level…keep your chin up and keep surviving. My theme song in my head is, “Wahoo Morris” from “The Grinch who Stole Christmas”. These men will rob you of your soul, your spirit, your money, your children, whatever they can take. I’ve had the displeasure of having been married to two of them. There must be something in my personal make-up that invites these types but I am almost free of them and it has been a long haul. Sometimes I beat myself up for being so ignorant but if I can teach others by my mistakes, that’s the least I can do. I continue to be a good role model for my children by being there for them and to not bash their father. This website lets me vent if I need to and I am comforted by others stories that are like mine. For awhile there I thought I was going crazy!
In past posts I have already explained what happened in court with my ex. He was able to keep his visitation. I will share what happened during and since his last visitation weekend (one weekend ago): First, I got home from work at 4:45 on Friday. My ex picks the kids up at 5:30. All three boys were in a panic state trying to find their baseball uniforms, etc. They have been trained that if everything isn’t ready at exactly 5:30 that he will drive away and they won’t see him for that weekend. At 5:20, he arrives, there is crazy panic—Hurry up, mom! He is going to leave!” The oldest son takes out the sleepover “bag” and I hear my ex yell, “What the hell! Does she think I’m taking you for a week! This is ridiculous!” He angrily takes the bag and they’re off. Later that night, I get a message from my middle son, “Mom, tomorrow morning, we’re coming over to get our baseball stuff. You packed the wrong stuff. Bye” I didn’t pack their baseball stuff at all, the boys did it themselves. The next morning, all three boys come in. Not one makes eye contact with me or talks to me. I ask the oldest boy how he did at last night’s game (I missed it to drive my daughter to her practice). He replies, “You’re so friggen retarded, I can’t even look at you.” They take what they need (basically switching the red sox they had packed in the bag with another pair of red socks). They try to leave without a goodbye or comment. I tell the youngest two to give me a kiss and say goodbye. They dutifully do. At the two youngest boys’ games, they are aloof and wait for their dad to tell them to come over and say hi to me. I brought up this point during court because before, they would not come over to me at all during sports events. They would not make eye contact with me at all. Now, he makes sure they always come over, but they never just freely come to see me. They always have to wait for his ok. When they arrive home, no eye contact again. I have to tell them to give me a kiss, to make eye contact. I have to draw them out. It takes a couple of days for the two youngest to come around. The fifteen year old doesn’t really ever truly come around. He is very disrespectful, calling me ugly, retarded. His new claim, when I talk about the students in my class is that I am a pedophile. He recently has started making that claim over and over. He also says that the reason we have no money is that I spend all our money on teaching. All four of my kids have been making this claim over and over. I truly believe these claims are originating from my ex. Last night, I figured out my budget and it pretty much shows that I barely squeak by even if I didn’t spend one cent on teaching. I didn’t factor in any money I spend on gifts for birthdays, fundraisers, etc and I barely make it. I plan to show this budget to my kids to explain the facts to them. I have never asked for an increase in my child support and I do not plan to, but I want them to know that I am not squandering our money away as I believe their father is telling them. In regards to my daughter, she talks on the phone with her father. She faithfully sits next to him at every sporting event we go to, but she does everything in her power not to sleepover.
My Mother is a sociopath, she tried to train me into being exactly like her. She basically trained me from birth to decieve people and to manipulate people. I have come to believe that every sociopath has its own style of achieving it’s purposes.
My mother going to prison was the best thing that ever happened to me, I discovered that she was a monster and due to her my life was turned upside down. It is so true that they are experts in breaking their victims down piece by piece
It was so sad to watch helplessly when I was married to my ex. He’d scream in my face and jab his finger into my face and chest as hard as he could and then he’d smile and throw my 11 yr old down the hall. Then he’d pick me up by the throat until my feet were dangling in midair. Our 6 yr old and 1 year old baby would be sobbing and hanging onto one another in a corner. That was the last abusive scene when I finally had it with my sociopathic unremorseful husband. I left him 13 yrs ago with nothing and he’s done nothing but make my life hell with his constant questioning, following and threats. Believe it or not, he won joint custody and he’s taking me to court again to try to get custody of our 14 yr old son. This man has an evil temper that will flair at the slightest infraction and there’s nothing I can do but I am taking detailed notes of all accounts and presenting them to the judge with my lawyer. I am also bringing a domestic violence advocate with me in hopes that he will stop any further abuse. I have lost jobs because of him and I’ve lost the respect of friends and family who are afraid to be around just in case he goes off the deep end. Everyone feels so helpless in these cases because he has the knack for looking and acting normal when he needs to. Behind closed doors he is a different person and he is king of his castle and his family are nothing more to him other than possessions.
421dmb2, I read with horror your harrowing account of life with your children. I can relate to this because I was indeed one of these children once.
The reason was simple. Every time I was alone with my father he attempted to actively persuade me that my mother was a “nasty piece of work” and that she treated him “appallingly” and that she was a selfish and unloving mother. When somebody who is supposed to love you and whom you are supposed to love is villified, the natural response is to feel safe with the person who offers you apparent sanctuary – in my case a crazed narcissist obsessed with absolute power and authority over all things material and emotional. He played the victim at every turn, and twisted and fabricated events in order to bolster up the image of our only saviour to a cruel and heartless woman. At one stage he told me that my mother had deliberately underfed me as a baby and that he had to rescue me from malnutrition and have me treated by a doctor. As soon as we were alone in the car together, even on a short journey he would begin his “poor me” story of how badly he was mistreated. As a result I became very spuspiciuos of my mum and was often very disrespectful of her. We were essentially used as a tool to reak havoc with her and to break her emotionally and rationally. At the age of 14 or 15 I began to really think about the evidence that I’d seen for my mum being this “creature”. The more and more I searched for the evidence, the less and less I found, and the more I grew to realise that it was my father who was the monster. I began to confront his narrative of events and started to dismiss his fictitious realities with grave repercussions. He would become filled with rage and punish me and devalue me. One would instantaneously go from having a position of privelidge and respect to being treated like the family dog at every occasion you were not an allie in his war.
Anyway, the good news is that one grows judgement as a teenager and can begin to make informed decisions about people’s characters. What’s important is for your children to have some contact with the outside world so that they can make an informed decision about their father’s madness (for that is what it is). Also, it sounds as though you’re resigned to the role of victim (just like my mum). Do yourself a favour and do your children a favour – you must empower yourself financially and you must challenge your children to think about their reality and perceptions and you must defend your reality to them, the reality that you’re a caring mother. There is no need to engage in your ex-partners skullduggery by attempting to rubbish him. Be honourable but assert who you are and what your reality is to them. Be very protective of your kids for they are being systematically tortured, brainwashed and confused by a remorseless serpant of destruction and just because he happens to have the benign title of “father” doesn’t change that. Would you let your kids knowingly hang out with a seasoned drug-dealing gangster? Would you allow them to have stay overs wiht a paedophile? You should exercise similar caution with this character for the fabric of his soul (if you can call it that) is probably little different to either of these afforementioned rascals.
A major problem in our household was not only that my father was so dominant and destructive, but that my mother was so helpless and weak. Be strong, stand up for what you believe in and don’t let this infantile emotional pygmy bring your own sense of reality and self-respect to the grimy depths of his depravity. Take charge and be bold and expect nobody to rescue you for you are your own salvation.
I am so glad that I found this site. Tonight, after yet another awful sessin of verbal abuse from my daughter, terminating in her once again going to her dad’s, I was on the verge of thinking that, unable to take much more of her behaviour, I should let her go and live with him. But now, I am going to stick it out – however awful life with my daughter is. her dad, manipulative, lying, cheating at every turn, has, in the last year since he deliberately moved to live 300 metres away from my home, changed my daughter completely. She has never lived with him (we were only in a relationship for 2 years), but always with me, and my four sons. My relationship with my daughter used to be wonderful. At this time last year, we were so close, as we had always been. She was happy, had a wonderful relationship with her stepfather, was doing brilliantly at school, had lots of friends, activities, was healthy. And then this sociopath of a father moved nearby. He offers her everything she wants, money, trips, TV’s, house parties – anything she wants she can have. He has downloaded information from the internet, tried to prove to her that I, her mother, have a mental problem. He has referred me 6 times to social services for child abuse of her – and each time, after going through the misery and humiliation of being interviewed, of course the reports conclude she is happy and well cared for, and there is no question of any abuse. She tells me she wants to go and live with him; he allows her to truant from school, spend the day unsupervised on the Internet…allows her to stay out late…gives her his credit card to order whatever clothes she wants from the internet…is it any surprise that she thinks living with him would be great? Tonight I told her she was not going to a gig just with one boy of 12. I told her she could go if some of her female friends were also going – as they usually do. Tonight they were not going and I am not allowing my 13 year old daughter to attend this club, where there are more that 200 people aged 14-18, just with this one boy. So what did she do? Phoned her dad, and asked him to pick her up and take her. I contacted him and asked him not to pick her up – what did he do? Collected her from my home. I have lost all control of her. In fact, last monday I called the police because she kicked me so hard on my leg that I could barely walk. They talked to her and went away. Since then she has not physically abused me, she has just continued with foul mouthed abuse – something she never did until her dad moved close by. She tells me I am mad, she tells me that things she once knew to be true, are not in fact true. She tells me that her dad has told her different. He is changing her reality..her history. Tonight, I was on the verge of saying, just don’t come back, I really can’t cope with your behaviour any more; thanks to some of the BLOG’s, I won’t now do that – but it is hard …SO hard to deal with this situation. I am desperately worried about what life now holds for her and how I, and my husband are going to cope over the next few years as her father is not going to go away – ever.
Hi Chrissie
I don’t know what to suggest, but I don’t think trying to outcontrol your daughter is going to work. We had a similar situation in our household with regards to boundaries – when it was convenient to undermine my mother suddenly we could do anything we chose, and then at other times there would suddenly be military type consequences for random events, leaving a light on in the bathroom etc. It was always random and unpredictable unless it involved undermining my mum, in which case you could predict perfectly how he would respond to any rules/boundaries my mum set.
What did you hope to achieve by not allowing your daughter to go this party with a boy? What was your aim? Were you worried she might sleep with him? Drink? None of these things should be of any concern to you (in my humble opinion) because no parent can ever prevent their children from doing these things (it’s merely an illusion of control I can assure you). I would say that what’s happening is more a symptom of the fact that there are no general boundaries of behavioru in your household anymore and that you’re franctically trying to force some boundaries on her now, which is having the effect of further alienating her and driving her towards her father, which is exactly what he wants.
Have you ever tried sitting down and trying to rationalise with her why she feels the way she does about you, rather than trying to presrcibe medicine to the symptoms of her feelings? Have you every tried to communicate your reality to her in a non-angry heart-felt way? Have you ever tried to calmly unravel the web of false history that he has spun and encouraged her to validate stories with third parties?
I wish my mum had done that for me, and instead I had to piece together the truth by referring to events from my siblings, and from speaking to other relatives and people who grew up wiht my father, and by reading in between the lines when he spun me a yarn. Only then did I realise the extent of the total invention that his entire life was. Until that point and until you realise as a human that another human is capable of harbouring that level of malice and hatred, you cannot but believe them. The alternative is to accept the unbearable reality that your own father is mad, does not love you and would (in the right circumstance) kill you without remorse. As a child the former reality (despite it’s inconsistencies) is infinitely more pallatable than the latter. However, it’s important that the latter is appreciated and accepted because it is the reality, and the sooner we realise this and grieve about the mirage that we thought our father was and move on, the better.
My instinct is that if you try to fight your daughter on the superficial level of setting boundaries, that you will fail. You have to go deeper than that, to tap into her miswired brain and try to solder on healthier connections and untangle the web of lies and deceit that is making her feel so crazy and angry with you.
How old is she? If she’s 16-17 then she’s old enough to read some literature on what a psycopath/narcissist is. But be gentle,, if she was like I was, she is feeling pretty off the wall at the moment, at times like she’s going mad, and at other times like she’s angry with everything but she doesn’t know why. I’m sure all teenagers feel that to an extent, but the point is it’s a crucial time (for boys especially I think) to develop and process the world and begin to come to terms with who you are, what you agree with, what you don’t agree with etc etc. I would recommend you appeal to her humanity and try to engage with her, rather than have a control contest with your ex-husband.
I give you that advice as an oft lost and confused human being, not as any trained professional or someone who is well versed in the field of dealing with textbook psycopaths.
I can only suggest
Thankyou so much for your response. It makes so much sense, and is somethng I will read many times over I am sure, and indeed ,will try to follow. This evening, ( it is 1115pm here in the UK) she is spending overnight with one of my sons at his house, seeing her neice and nephew too. I am going to build on the more positive aspects of her life and family, rather than become any more immersed in what you so aptly describe as a control contest with her father. her father drew me into his web seventeen years ago, and for only a short while, but the negative repercussions of my short relationship are ever present – so building on the positive is, I think, my way forward. So – thank you – and as you suggest, I will indeed be gentle.