Those who have read Just Like His Father? know that sociopathy is a disorder with a strong genetic basis. Science has further established a genetic link between sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. The children of sociopaths, therefore, carry genetic risk for sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. If a genetically at-risk child receives special nurturing during the developmental years, prior to puberty, he/she has the greatest chance to grow up free of these disorders.
To attach real numbers to the problem of sociopathic parents and their children, consider that 25% of U.S. women are victims of domestic violence. Studies of male perpetrators of domestic violence reveal that 50% are sociopaths and another 25% have sociopathic traits but not the full disorder. These statistics reveal that although sociopaths may represent only 4% of the general population, they represent an even larger percentage of the adult male population engaged in reproduction. The situation for sociopathic females is similarly bleak, since conceiving children appears to be part of this disorder.
Given the nature of genetic risk for sociopathy and the need for special parenting, one would think that the Family Courts would take special care of these kids and work to protect them from their sociopathic parents. After all, a biologic child is a dream victim for a sociopath. The child can be subjected to psychological, physical and sexual exploitation and the abused child has no means of escaping the sociopath’s domination except through the courts.
Before you read the rest of this column please watch the trailer for Breaking the Silence: Children’s Stories a PBS documentary. The problems described in the video are not rare. Lovefraud.com has received many letters from parents despirately trying to rescue their children from the hands of sociopaths. Too often the pleas of parents on behalf of children go unheeded by the courts. In line with the video, we too have observed that the courts are often punitive toward a parent who asserts that that the other parent is a potential danger to a child. We have been considering what we can do to help the voiceless children of sociopaths.
New hope for the children of sociopaths may be on the horizon. In 2001, The ACLU filed a complaint against the United States of America with the Inter-American Commission on Human Rights (IACHR). This organization functions as an international court and pursues human rights violations in the Western Hemisphere. The ACLU filed the complaint because earlier that same year, the IACHR held the government of Brazil accountable under international law for tolerating domestic violence in the case of Maria da Penha Maia Fernandes.
The case filed by the ACLU in 2001, on behalf of Jessica Lenehan, is just now being heard by the IACHR. A ruling is expected before year’s end. Lenehan was a victim of domestic violence and mother of three beautiful daughters, Rebecca, 10; Katheryn, 8; and Leslie, 7. Even though Lenehan had a protective order against her former husband, Simon Gonzales, a family court granted visitation rights to Gonzales. Because of this ambiguous situation, the police ignored Lenehan’s pleas to rescue her daughters when her ex-husband took them. The girls were found shot to death later that day. After killing the girls, Gonzales drove to the local police station and was killed by the police when he opened fire on the building.
Last Friday, just before Mother’s Day, ten mothers, one victimized child (now an adult), and leading national/state organizations also filed a complaint against the United States of America with the IACHR. Their petition claims that U.S. courts, by frequently awarding child custody to abusers and child molesters, has failed to protect the life, liberties, security and other human rights of abused mothers and their children. We do not yet know when this case will be heard.
I have long believed that children with genetic risk for sociopathy through a biologic parent, and one parent free of major psychopathology, have the right to the most optimal upbringing the relatively healthy parent can give them. They have a natural human right to grow up free from exploitation by the sociopathic parent. We are a long way from a system that recognizes these human rights for children. These complaints filed in response to blatant abuse of children by sociopathic parents are an important step forward in protecting children.
We at Lovefraud.com are collecting stories of psychological abuse and exploitation of children by sociopathic parents. If your child is the victim of the Family Courts and a sociopathic parent, please write us with your story.
Please also visit truthout.org, for more about Jessic Lenehan and stopfamilyviolence.org for more on the complaint filed last week.
What a nightmare for Chrissie. I can not imagine having my ex move so close to where I live, and I can imagine all the turmoil it would cause. I would recommend that you read Divorce Casualties written by Douglas Darnall and Divorce Poisoning. These books should help you understand the mindset of your daughter and give you suggestions on how to respond. Also Google “parental alienation”. I bet you’ll nod your head and agree with a lot of what you read. Your situation is tricky because your daughter is so close to legal age. I don’t think the courts would be helpful to you and it would cost so much money, but if you have an agreement and her father is violating it”picking her up when you explicitly said not to, then that is a clear violation of the agreement. I have started to call the police every time my ex violates the agreement and it has had an affect. The number of times he undermines me in ways very similar to how you describe has decreased significantly. This has been a power struggle, but the result has been that my ex isn’t initiating these situations in the first place because he knows I will respond with the police, and ultimately he may lose visitation. This is lessening the stress on my kids and has actually reduced the need for those power struggles. As you can read from my post, he continues to be nasty”but in ways that he can’t get caught. I guess this is an improvement and is better than nothing.
I think Beastflow makes a good point about not allowing your daughter to “hang out” with a person of such poor character. Don’t agree to extra time with her dad. You know that extra time will be spent brainwashing her to believe that you are a horrible person and it will also be spent indulging her with her every whim to “buy” her soul. I would explain it to her in that way too. I wouldn’t even bother to contact her father about issues because he has shown himself to be so completely disrespectful and hateful toward you. It seems to me that he uses situations to wreak havoc”.I wouldn’t even give him the opportunity to so openly disrespect what you say.
Beastflow sounds much more open-minded than me because I wouldn’t allow my daughter to attend a dance with a group of boys either. I think that would be putting her in a situation where she could more easily get in trouble. I guess on points like this, divorced parents can differ”some are more liberal while the other parent is more strict, but the bottom line here is ”respect. If your daughter is on your time clock and you say she can’t go”then she can’t go. If she is on her father’s time clock and he allows her to go, then you would have to let her go. I think I would put definite limits on her contact with her dad and I would explain why. He sounds horrible. Can you move?
My 9 year old son is the product of a sociopathic father. We have been to court 92 times in the nine years of our son’s life. I have finally been granted sole custodial rights, but continue to fight to set limits and restrictions on his father’s visitation abilities.
Two years ago, his father manipulated the loopholes in New Hampshire’s legal system to temporarily gain custody of our son and keep him in the State. My son and I were not allowed to communicate for over 3 weeks. In fact, he had been told that I no longer wanted him and that his stepmother was going to be his mother from now on.
The longterm emotional damage that his father’s pathological lies and the manipulations go deep. It took me over 20 months to get my son to sleep in his own bed again. For the past six months we were doing great. He had not seen his dad in that time. He recently saw his father for two hours. He is back to sleeping in my bed with night terrors.
I purchased Dr. Leedom’s book “Just Like His Father” and it is helping me gain insight. I have spent more time than not dealing with my son’s school on behavioral issues. I see signs already of similar personality patterns. He lies unnecessarily and never takes accountability for anything. He arbitrates everything even if there is no reason. He ostracizes himself from other children and always needs to be the primary focus. When he is called on his inappropriate behaviour he tries to turn it around using your emotions.
I have entered my son in the Big Brother program which I am so grateful for as his BB stays on top of him and holds him accountable.
It has become a full time job in monitoring his behaviour and carrying out discipline processes with him. He does not want to take responsibility for any chores, he blames everyone else for his problems, and refuses to put any effort into his academics although he has been tested at a gifted level.
He was in therapy for over three years and it had gone well while his father was under supervised visits. Once his father was allowed unsupervised visits, he no longer would open up to the therapist.
Is there any support style groups for children and/or parents in the Hartford Ct. area?
My son is the most intelligent, gentle, and kind hearted child I have ever met, but can change on a dime to cold and manipulative when necessary. I will not give in to letting his father’s genetics take over my son.
Dear km,
Please email me here or at ljleedom@aol.com so I can send you the workbook that goes with the book.
Lately, many have written me asking, “I do the love and discipline stuff but he/she is still tough. What do I do?”
If you read my book you know that I am raising a son with these genetics. I find that life is easier if I keep a step ahead of him. That is difficult because these kids have so much energy. I finished the book when may son was almost 3. At that time I was already aware of the importance of exercise for them. Now at 4 1/2 I can tell you that exercise makes a huge difference. The trouble is that it takes a lot of exercise to calm these kids down. As much as a solid hour of moderate intensity activity/day.
Interestingly, this is the same amount adults need for weight loss. Also exercising with him every day gives me the energy to stay in charge. I have lost 8 pounds since starting the program I put together. The program would be perfect for you and your son, especially since you are in CT. Please visit http://www.fit-and-smart.org.
One side:
I was sitting on my couch watching TV when all of a sudden there is a knock at my door. To my astonishment it was the police. They had been called to my apartment by my ex-wife. She called them to report that I had supposedly called her to say that I was going to kill myself. I couldn’t believe it. The police asked me a ton of questions and of course found that I was ok. My ex-wife is so manipulative. Who would even think to do that?
The other side:
Since I left my husband, he has been in cycles of utter sadness and then anger. I have over twenty five letters written by him that show these cycles. With my counselor, I have been working out how to best handle this. My ex has told my seven year old several times that he is going to kill himself. My counselor advised me to contact my ex’s family to tell them what he is telling my son. I do this, but they just respond with anger to me. My counselor advises me to tell my lawyer, which I do. My lawyer (at that time) advises me to do nothing. She says it is better to just wait it out because it will all just calm down after the divorce is finalized. My ex continues to tell me and my son that he is going to kill myself. My counselor advises me to call the police the next time he makes a threat like that. She says that I am not trained or responsible for dealing with these threats. She said the police are professionals who know how to handle this. She advises me to tell my ex that the next time he makes a suicidal threat to me or my son that I will call the police that from now on that is how I will deal with these threats. Of course, he makes another threat. He emails me that it “is over. You have won the game. You have taken away my life, my kids, everything. I will no longer play your game.” The next morning he calls crying and in a whisper he tells me “it’s over.” He asks to talk to my oldest son. I say no that he can not talk to him when he is crying like that. I tell him I am going to call the police. I hang up and do call the police. They check it out and apparently there were no signs of suicide at all. He was perfectly fine! After that I my ex never made another suicidal threat to me.
This story happened a long time ago”.over eight years ago. It happened before my custody case with my ex. My ex uses this story to try to show that I am manipulative. The GAL in my case never interviewed my counselor, or asked me about my side of this story, so she would have no knowledge of what actually took place. She would have heard my ex’s story and then supported it with the police record. This would have led her to believe that I am manipulative. I tell this story to impress upon the “professionals” involved in custody cases to take the time to dig deep. Things may not be as they appear. You need to look and listen to both sides.
Anyone in this situation should save all emails and if possile record all telephone conversations. At least he did not follow through with killing himself. If someone who is doing this has access to weapons, that is a very serious matter.
I am a 26-year-old woman who is the daughter of a female sociopath.
After many years of being victimized by her, I was taken away by the State of Connecticut where eventually I became a ward of the state until I reached adulthood.
My mother loved to call me names, beat me, ridicule me but most importantly she made it her mission in life to destroy my happy spirit.
IT DID NOT WORK. AND AS LONG AS THERE IS BREATHE IN MY BODY”IT NEVER WILL!
My mother is a text book sociopath”lies, no remorse or feeling (unless it is to contribute to an already told lie); abuse and more lies”that is her MO and nothing will ever change that. My father is a first generation immigrant over-achiever”thank GOD! Granted as a child when my mother had a strangle hold on my life and mental well being, he was never around. He divorced her when I was a few months old and found a new woman; made a new family. He was high-tailing it as fast as he could to get as far from her and her games as possible. My one grudge was that he left me there. He left me at her mercy, something I still don’t forgive him for.
After being separated from her I realized what she always knew and what boiled her blood every day she looked at her mulatto child: I am strong! My spirit will not be broken. I am not fooled by her games.
As a child I was always a straight A student, well mannered, well behaved and honest to a fault and it wasn’t until adolescence that I started acting out the rage I felt inside. When I was placed in foster homes and shelters after my mother would go through one of her periods of blatant mental and physical abuse, I would cry”.not because she hurt me, I cried because I was being punished for what she did. They should have locked her away”not me I didn’t do anything wrong. But society does not see it that way. As a former ward of the state and a child of a sociopath, I do.
I tried for a long, long time to build a relationship with that woman and for a while I thought I was making progress. I always felt I was the adult and she was the child so inside I thought it was my duty to attempt to have a somewhat-normal relationship with her. In 2001 when my daughter died and she lied to my face and tried to lessen my grief so callously, I finally saw that reconciliation would never come”then I had a relapse.
Shortly after I graduated college, I found myself homeless. I tried all I knew how to keep my head above water but after so many years of going it alone-I reached out to the one person that I knew I could never rely on but I felt like I was the bad person for not giving her a chance. Psycho-Mom.
Another chance to try to break me was what it turned out to be.
After picking me up from work one day in 2003, while riding in the car with her, we got into an argument about a promise she made but as always, never intended to keep. We were talking loudly-no physical violence, not this time anyway-when she told me: “I am glad that I abused you as a child. I knew my husband repeatedly raped you, I watched! You are a piece of $#@.......! A no good n*%%#$. You will always be alone and no one will ever love you because you are worthless!”
As hard as that was for me, I would not let her see how much those words hurt but the first chance I got, I left and 4 years later, I still refuse to speak to her. I doubt I ever will.
I know that I am the exception to the rule when it comes to surviving a childhood such as mine. I graduated from college (with honors), I get up and go to work everyday, I live with my cat, Dallas, that I love very much, I pay my bills and I try to see the brighter side of life. I live and sometimes I live to spite her but still in all I have beat many, many odds even if my life is still a work-in-progress.
BUT because I have lived a life for so long being lied to even about things so little as when I spoke my first word, I must be honest:
I don’t trust very many people, when people get close I get so scared that I will do everything in my power to push them away, I have a huge “chip” on my shoulder, I always ask what I did to deserve this-I feel sorry for myself, I am attractive and intelligent and yet I have been single for almost 6 years now, I have dabbled in the “dark-side” of life where I almost gave up and most importantly when I am sad, I drink my pain away.
But as I have stated before: I will not give up. When I look at myself in the mirror”I see her. And I hate myself for it. That is on a bad day. On a good day I don’t see either one of my parents, I see me. I see that I am doing my best and that is better than she would have ever done for me. I look at my sisters 23 and 21 respectively that she never physically abused that stayed with her and they have 7 kids and nothing higher than a 10th grade education between them.
I was the physically abused”but I am the one who is lucky. I feel bad that my sisters didn’t get away too”and in many ways they are just like her but there is nothing that I can do about it except try to be there for the little ones. Which I do.
As a child on the opposite side of the fence I can give all the parents who posted before me one statement of advice:
NEVER GIVE UP!
Do not stop fighting for your children if you love them. Don’t turn a blind eye because you don’t think you can help them. You can. Don’t give up on them because you think they are like their sociopath parent. You never really know what is inside them. When you see them acting like their parent, remember it is an ACT. Deep down inside there is a child who is scared and alone that realized somewhere along the way that to survive is to adapt. It is never too late. Thereishope.
by thereishope
Here is a memory of a past July 4th. On this particular July 4th, the kids were scheduled to be with me. I had plans to go to my sister’s house three hours away for a cookout and then to stay over night. The kids enjoy my sister and her husband. They live besides a lazy river with huge boulders to climb and explore. There is a cool gorge within walking distance of their house. My oldest son said that he didn’t want to go. He said he hated “my family” and wanted to spend it with his dad. At that time, his unwillingness to go with me, hurt my feelings, but I let him decide for himself. I did not know about parental alienation then. Now, I know that dislike and hostility toward the extended family (when this was not present during the marriage) is a sign of parental alienation. I should have insisted that he come with me, but I didn’t know better.
When my ex came to pick my oldest son up, my youngest son, who was around four at the time, ran out to say hi. He climbed into the back seat of the car. I let him talk to his dad for a few moments and then I went out to retrieve him. When I got to the car, my ex locked the door using his power lock. I told him to open the door. My ex made the motion that he couldn’t hear me. He mockingly gestured, “what?” My oldest son did the same thing. He was laughing at me and ignoring my insistence that he open the door. My youngest son just look really confused. I ended up yelling at my ex to let my son out. This went on for a few torturous moments, and then my ex drove away with both boys!
He didn’t answer the phone all night. I felt so devastated and helpless. I should have called the police, but at that time, I didn’t want to involve them. My neighbor who witnessed the whole thing said to me later, “I wanted to tell you to stop yelling because that is exactly what your ex wanted you to do. Your ex had the biggest smile on his face. He enjoyed getting you so upset.”
The next day, my youngest son showed up at my doorstep. My ex dropped him off with my oldest son in the front seat. They both waved and laughed as they drove off.
I wish I could go back and handle all these situations differently. I should never have agreed to let my son go with his father, and when he took the youngest one, I should have called the police. Calling the police would have provided official documentation, and it would have shown my ex”early on, that he would not get away with such bad behavior.
July 4th”.five years later. My 15 year old is sitting on the couch playing with a Quantum Leap pad. A student of mine brought into class and left it there at the end of the year. My plan is to drop it off at her house. My son asks, “Whose is this?” I explain whose it is, and he candidly asks”with 100% seriousness, “Are you a lesbian pedophile?” Over the years, I have been accused of being a lesbian many times. My youngest even accused me of being a lesbian with my sister. The accusation that I am a pedophile is a new one. I point out to my son all the accusations that I have endured over the years. I also point out that some of those accusation contradict each other, like the fact that I have been called a lesbian and have also been accused of having affairs (with men) while I was married. I have been called a “pot-smoking freak”. A couple of days ago, my oldest couldn’t find his baseball hat right before a game. He was accusing me of hiding it. My youngest son chimed in, “Ya, I bet you did hide it because you hate all of us in sports!” In searching for it, I found it behind a cushion on the couch that my son always sits on. The accusations go on and on and on. It’s disgusting. Later, after they all went to a cookout with their dad, my daughter says, “Grammy likes you, mom. Whenever dad called you a “bitch”, she told him not to.” I asked why dad would call me a bitch at the cookout and she said, “He calls you a bitch all the time, but he was telling everyone that the “bitch isn’t picking up the phone” when I tried to call you.
Dear Fran,
Thank you very much for telling your story. These are the kinds of stories that teach us aout sociopaths. They are much more enlightening than a score on a personality inventory!
Please email me if you would like a copy of my book and workbook.
Hi Dr. Leedom,
I looked up your book on the internet and it looks very interesting and appropriate for my situation. I ordered it and look forward to reading it.
Yesterday, my 15 year old had his girlfriend over. I brought them both a drink, and when I went to hand one to her, my son intercepted and said, “Which one do you want?” His girlfriend said, ” that one,” pointing to one. My son then responded, “Ok…in that case, you get this one.” He then handed her the opposite one of the one she chose, and went to drink it. I made him give her the one she wanted, but I think this is a good example of social dominance shown at a teenage level. I look forward to reading your book, so I can respond appropriately to my son (and his girlfriend…she should be aware of what’s going on, so she doesn’t make the same mistakes I did when I was her age)
Thanks for your advice.