If you live within an hour of San Francisco, I hope you will consider an evening of theater at The Marsh, this holiday season. On most nights, Carlo D’Amore performs No Parole, an autobiographical one-man show that points to the fact that “family is a life sentence.” Carlo has a great deal in common with all of us since he grew up in the shadow of his late mother who was a con artist.
Although Carlo left home as soon as he could at age 18, he continued to have contact with his mother. Towards the end of her life, she suffered a right brain stroke and could not live alone. Carlo took her in and cared for her. Even in this state, his mother continued to con and manipulate him. He explained to Chad Jones, “After 30 years of going through these experiences, it came home to me,” he says. “I went ballistic. I came close to”¦I don’t know.” He confronted his mother, who at the end of her life did finally stop the conning.
Following those events, Carlo decided to write about his experiences and turned them into the theatrical production which is described as a “wry, energetic adventure play, No Parole takes you on a kaleidoscopic journey through the life a flamboyant, live-for-the-moment con artist mother, who has no trouble posing as an attorney, professor, daycare worker, or nun. From Peru to the Hollywood Hills to an illegal New York City walk-up, No Parole provides a hilarious and gut-wrenching look into the life of an extraordinary woman who saw the world as her playground.”
Many have found that writing about life with a sociopath/con artist helps them sort out their feelings. Carlo takes this a step further, since he not only wrote his story, he performs it in this production in which he plays both himself and his mother.
I am thankful to Carlo for pointing out that family is indeed a life sentence. Even for those of us who have no more contact with the con artist family member, the person continues to be part of our lives. Carlo told me No Parole is about coming to peace with that reality. I am impressed with Carlo who has been able to come to a place of integrating both the good and the bad experiences he had with the mother he loved.
In addition to showing us that at least one sociopath finally stopped conning, Carlo shows us that many at risk kids are capable of great things. The same genes that can contribute to antisocial choices can also make for leadership and creativity-including acting. Carlo made the decision early on that he was going to use his talents in a prosocial way through acting. His Broadway credits include the Round About Theater Company’s production of Tennessee William’s “Summer and Smoke” directed by David Warren, and most recently “Latinologues” directed by Cheech Marin where he played seven different characters to sold out crowds at the Helen Hayes Theater.
Carlo has another solo show in the works, Feet First. This show is based on his mother’s brother. As is common, Carlo’s mother was not the only sociopath in the family. Carlo told Chad Jones, “My uncle died in San Quentin chained to a hospital bed. It’s a tragic story,” Carlo says. “The title comes from Incan lore: if you’re born feet first, and you make that journey, you’ll be blessed to waltz through life. It’s basically about a man looking at his life from prison and attempting to pass a positive image on to his son.”
Carlo hopes to bring No Parole to the New York City area which he considers his home. I wish him success in that effort. He was kind to speak with me and share some stories of his mother. Even before I had a chance to share my views on the subject, he pointed to the quest for power which is central to the personalities of con artists. He also shared that his mother was very high energy and required little sleep.* He and the rest of his family were not surprised that she had a stroke, given the fast paced frenzy that was her life. He also spoke of the fear he lived through as a young boy worried that his mother would be arrested and imprisoned.
Carlo said he was glad I told him about Lovefraud, he was glad to see our efforts to reach those who have sociopaths/con artists in their families. We all take a certain amount of comfort in the fact that there are others who understand the mind games, unless you’ve been there… Can you really know what it’s like?
FOR MORE INFORMATION:
No Parole at The Marsh, 1062 Valencia St., San Francisco. Tickets are $15-$35. Call 800-838-3006 or visit www.themarsh.org.
*(I have gathered a lot of evidence that points to con artists being sociopathic and manic).
Links for story
http://www.themarsh.org/no_parole.html
http://www.sfbaytimes.com/index.php?article_id=6593&sec=article
http://culturemob.com/events/5651063-the-marsh-presents-carlo-d-amore-s-no-parole-ca-san-francisco-mission-94110-the-marsh
http://www.theaterdogs.net/2008/11/13/carlo-d%E2%80%99amore-lands-a-parole%E2%80%99-hearing/#comment-1019
I appreciate Carlo’s courage in bringing this story to the stage. Years ago a literary friend of mine told me that true art in writing comes from humility and compassion — the humility to get your ego out of the way and let the characters come to life, and compassion for every character, even the villains in the story. For Carlo to play both his mother and himself on stage represents a rare combination of humility, compassion and courage.
So many of us, as we struggle to make sense of our experiences, get stuck in anger and pain. To move on, I believe we must look at how we can create “art” out of our own lives. Perhaps not on stage, or by writing a book, but by re-writing our life’s course — taking the ruins left by the sociopath and piecing ourselves back together to be stronger and better because of the experience and understanding we’ve gaine.
Wow! I wish I could go to San Francisco to see this play! I too always felt that there was NO PAROLE from my family, that even No Contact was not an option, at least for very long. That I was CHAINED to them as if I had leg irons that attached me to them and their conning.
Even after I went NC with my biological father over 40 years ago, he still was emotionally chained to my leg. Somehow because he had not raised me, physical NC was okay, but I still rented him emotional room in my head and never got that out until recently when I went NC with both my mother and my P-son.
I admire Carlo for taking on his mother as her caregiver, in spite of the fact that she was continuing to try to con him. I have made the decision NOT to take on the role of my mother’s caregiver, and to let her, when and if the time comes, have hired caregivers (she has enough resources for this.)
My sons and I have made the decison not to even claim the body of their P-brother (and my P son,) if that time comes when we/they are alive. One of my sons has made the decision to bury my mother and arrange her funeral, but the other son and I have made the decision not to attend her memorial service if we are alive when she passes away.
I think we all have to come to grips in our own ways with the “family is for life” scenario. I did it with my son by visualizing him as dead about age 11 or 12, and his “organs” donated to a criminal who is a STRANGER to me, not someone I know. The MAN in prison bears no more relationship to the BOY I raised than he would if his organs had been physically donated to a stranger who was a murderer. I know this is a way for me to cope, but it does help.
As far as my mother is concerned, I realize that she has never loved me, it was all about control and keeping up a pretence that we are “a nice normal family” and that if I don’t play along with her enabling that she is willing to devalue and discard me in favor of the MAN who is a murderer. Once I came to the full realization that she would punish me in any way possible–financally, emotionally, put my life at risk, condemn me religiously and to the community, etc—if I did not go along with her pretense of “a nice normal family” then I realized that I had no recourse but to “divorce” her (NC physical, and now as close to emotional NC as I can get.)
For years I had harbored the thought that at the death of my bio-father I would sue his estate (I knew he would leave me nothing) and get a large settlement just to piss off his ghost, but when the time came, I realized that I did NOT want to piss off his ghost any more, that I did not want his money, and that even if he had left me a great deal of money, I would not have spent it at all, but would have given it to a charity. I realized I had “grown beyond” wanting even that kind of “revenge” against him.
I also realize that while I may have acheived “parole” with my P family members, it is NOT COMPLETE FREEDOM from them. Just as a person who comes out of prison, even after they are off “parole” the experience of prison is still WITH THEM in some form or other, it still leaves a “mark” on them, even if they are “reformed” and live a law abiding life from then on. There are horrors that they have witnessed, have endured, that never leave their minds completely, but hopefully I can, like Dr. Viktor Frankl in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” find value in the suffering I have endured and become a better person than I would have been if I had not had these “lessons” in pain and recovery.
OxDrover,
You also show courage in your choices, and compassion even though you’re making such hard choices. The first choice is to realize what we are dealing with — that it is NOT normal, and that it is something far outside of the definition of “normal” motivations and behaviors.
Carlo and the Lovefraud community should know about Geoffrey Wolff, who wrote “Duke of Deception” about his father, who was apparently a full-blown P by the accounts of his behavior. Geoffrey Wolff is considered a major literary light, and his description of his father propelled him to that position. Check out the book reviews and comments on Mr. Wolff in Wikipedia and the NYTimes.
I am in awe of any of the adult children to these folks to having survived the insanity cause by Big EGOs in full swing, especially being so vulnerable as youths.
I knew how difficult it was for me as an adult to get thrown into battle with the likes of them and how horrifying to watch how they could spin the truth in their favor. Making responsible well adjusted individuals question themselves as well as others. It was all about control … anyway they can/could/would control. Truth had nothing to do with anything they do in life. It’s all in “what is in it for me”.
Incredible. Absolutely incredible to find out there are so many selfish, greedy people in our world.
Now we know how everything gets so screwed up in life. For every step we go forward, some greedy person(s) are purposely, out of their own greed making through their control go 20 steps backward.
They are the ultimate puppet masters of the world.
Peace.
Wini:
It’s not about greed, it’s about chaos and manipulation. A greedy exploiter wouldn’t enjoy the wreckage in the way that these creatures do.
See my comments on Dr. Steve’s blog on “exploitation.”
Dear Rune,
Courage is one of those words whose meaning was perverted by my P-bio-father to mean that you are “without fear” if you are courageous.
To call someone a coward (fearful in a tight situation) was his worst condemnation. I accepted that definition for many years of courage and I always felt that I was a “coward” because I was fearful if my life or safety was in danger.
However I have come to a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DEFINITON OF COURAGE.
“Courage is being scared chitless, and yet doing what you know you have to do.”
I have always accepted my P-bio-father’s definition of my own cowardice, but I no longer accept that definition. I know I am afraid when I am threatened, but I do my best not to freeze like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming-car.
Even though I have changed the definition of courage, intellectually, I still put myself down from time to time, so it is an ongoing struggle to overcome 40 years of programming that I am a coward. I have been told my many many people of my “outstanding courage” in the face of fear, in the face of horrible circumstances, and yet it is still difficult for me to accept that I am courageous. My mind tells me that I am, but my inward “child” still feels like a coward because I DO feel fear—in circumstances where FEAR IS APPROPRIATE.
Dr. Leedom has postulated that one of the things that Psychopaths lack is FEAR. I agree with her. They may experience a lot of things, but FEAR doesn’t seem to be one of them. My psychopaths don’t fear prison, they don’t fear getting caught, they don’t fear lots of things, they never anticipate consequences the way I would. I might like to do something illegal, but I am TOO SCARED of the consequences. They do NOT FEAR consequences. Maybe it is because they are so arrogant and egocentric that they think those consequences will never happen, I’m not sure why they have no fear, but they don’t seem to, at least the ones I know.
What I am doing now, for ME, if the acknowledge my fears, but not to let those fears make me live in TERROR, because many times fear to that level makes rational thought and rational decisions impossible.
We sort of have to run our lives like we would run a business, and make decisions based on GOOD JUDGMENT rather than emotional decisions. Sometimes our EMOTIONS are so twisted up that the decisions we make are totally counterproductive to success in the enterprise whether it is life or business. We have to eliminate “wishful thinking” and do the ADULT thing. We must take into consideration our “inner child” and be kind to that child, but we don’t necessarily “give it anything it wants” no matter how badly the child wants what is NOT GOOD FOR IT. We have to become our own caring, nurturing and PROTECTIVE parents.
Rune: What do you call control? Greed, that you are insisting to have situations in life go your way, no matter how it happens. Just because chaos flourishes in the process has nothing to do with the original intent of GREED.
“They” spin all the lies and deceptions over the years … no one remembers the basics anymore how their new words came into our everyday vocabulary got established to cover up their greedy motives. The major one that comes to mind is “politically incorrect” aka … don’t blame a FOOL for being a FOOL, cause it’s not nice, it’s not politically correct … which spins the publics’ heads, ooooh, ooooh, ooooh … it’s not nice to tell FOOLS that they are FOOLS and they hide it behind nationalities, religious beliefs, male/females, old/young, race, etc. Which fools come in all category … but want to hide behind the political correctness of society. It’s all a big fluff over, don’t call a evil person and evil person cause it’s not politically correct to oust us out of where we hide … everyone!
Just deduct backwards anything they do … and the major factor is GREED … then accompanied with any of the other vices out there.
Peace.
Wini:
Dr. Liane Leedom points out the predominant trait of the desire for control, so I agree with you on that.
When I think of “greed,” I think of some sort of material gain. Remember Martha Stout describing “Stamp Man” in “The Sociopath Next Door”? He was apparently one of the dumber Ps, because his thing was to steal stamps from the post office and watch the chaos as the police showed up. For him it wasn’t about having the stamps, but rather making people run around.
The guy I was involved with destroyed my business by contradicting my orders to workers, promising things to people that I knew nothing about that cost goodwill as well as money — basically killing “the golden goose.” And one of his so-called pet names for me was “golden goose.”
In two different houses (being remodeled) in two months, the thermostat was ripped off the wall, leaving the furnace on in June and July. This is about control and chaos — and the fact that it’s so pointless, to me, distinguishes it from the way I think about “greed.”
And the fact that the behaviors are so strange makes it hard to use conventional words to describe the behaviors!
Yes, OxDrover:
“Courage is cowardice, black is white, love is weakness, and on and on.” They can twist the simplest concepts, the ones we know in our hearts, and spin and spin and insist and charm, or bully as the case may be, until we fall in line with their fictions . . .
I think that when we’re in it, in the relationship, in the house with them, in the family with these people and we’re trying to make sense of the non-sense, we lose our footing, we lose our connection with our inner guidance on what is or isn’t truth. We go along with them because we rationalize their lies and question ourselves in order to keep the peace. Only when we realize the whole picture of how false their projections are can we disentangle and reclaim ourselves and then figure out what we’re going to do with the true picture.
You talk about the emotions getting twisted up — it’s also the logic that is turned into pretzels.
Reclaiming ourselves and our lives takes great courage, and acknowledging healthy fear is also a courageous act. I know that when I started to suspect how off balance the P was in my life, it took great courage for me to simply be quiet, to not confront him, because I was learning that my confrontation of his behavior would only encourage him to create more lies, or chaos, or new levels of devious revenge, all while he smiled and charmed and denied his behavior.
Rune: It’s because greedy people over the years have secretly manipulated the masses and spun the original meanings for any of the vices in life to be accepted by the average person in society. We’ve been slowly and systematically accepting bad behaviors over the years without realizing their original meanings.
Remember this:
Practicing these virtues protects one against temptation toward the Seven Deadly Sins:
Humility against Pride
Kindness against Envy
Abstinence against Gluttony
Chastity against Lust
Patience against Anger
Liberality against Greed
Diligence against Sloth
Another good site to view is what the churches have knowns for years about these personalities … except they call them the “trouble makers” LOL. See below the site I’m referring you to.
To understand the difference between us (givers) and them (takers):
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.php
It takes our willingness to open our eyes, relax, sit back and objectively review and unravel what they’ve done through seeing it through one of the vices in life … what they are focused on as their original motivation … what they were consumed with (an addiction sort to speak or at least a comfortability in how they conditioned themselves to live) had to do how they conduct their lives … with GREED being the mother of all sins.
I hope I made sense … I’ll simplify this writing … I just needed to get out what I wanted to say. Today is not one of my better days … (LOL).
Peace.