Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Irma.”
I am currently detaching from a Malignant Narcissist, we were together almost 15 years and have 3 children. He became increasingly violent in the last 3 years; I had a non violent honeymoon period of almost 7 years ”¦ I now know he was just managing me down in ways I didn’t even notice for years ”¦
Since I ended our relationship (he punched me 9 times to the head), he and the in-laws have banded together to literally drive me insane ”¦ CPS was called and they were told I was the abusive one, the one with addictions, that I was mentally unstable and a danger to myself and the children.
He cut off my electricity; he tried to have me committed. Twice via the courts, twice with my parents, this did not work. He had me arrested on harassment and intimidation charges while he was actively stalking me.
I have a restraining order so he calls the police like 2 to 3 times week claiming I am violating my court ordered conditions. But in Juvenile court he is trying to force CPS and the judges to FORCE me to break NO CONTACT with him. I have not spoken to him on the phone since I got my restraining order.
He also has videos and recordings of my psychotic episodes or sometimes (depending on audience) they are alcoholic rages but what he doesn’t say is that he recorded me secretly AFTER he was violent or hours of gas lighting and it is me being angry at him. No alcohol or psychosis involved.
The in-laws
His sister and her husband are lawyers they are the ones helping him with all the writing of the court documents (why he is so confident in representing himself against lawyers in their 50s and 60s).
He has access to sound engineering equipment and his father is helping him with all the software and applications to do the creative editing.
His stepmother is the one helping him edit a document with our text messages; he is claiming I sent him 2500 text messages in 2 weeks now. But I got arrested on charges of harassment for a period of 1 month for 2600 texts. He is now saying I sent him 4500 texts, the story changes every other week, depending on audience.
I discovered a whole double life this summer, he cheated 7 times that he admitted to (but he accused me twice of cheating this summer, have discovered his personals Craig’s list account as well, he could have given me a disease!), only 3 were women ”¦
Financial parasite
He has cost us $7800 of unpaid traffic violations, 5 cars since 2011, he purposely screws up my credit every 4 to 5 years, he went through ALL our family savings, all my stock portfolio, all my insurance and retirement fund. He made me lose my job when I was half blind and deaf. His dental work cost my insurance over 12K.
He is a financial parasite, he has borrowed over $50,000 from my father, most of the times, he would not even tell me he asked my father for money!
He has now kidnapped the kids and alienated them to the point he has convinced them I will BEAT them. Yes, the wife beater has convinced the children that I will beat them up if they come here. My kids are so confused”¦
I have no access to them. He made my daughter unfriend me on Facebook, he will never pass the phone to them without him ”talking about the kids” to me, forcing me to break NO CONTACT verbally so he can again record me and edit it”¦
Deceit
Nobody understands the level of deceit he is capable of, the calculation and obsessive planning ”¦
He has broken in the apartment half a dozen of times, he was logging in to my computers remotely and opening shows in the middle of the night to scare me when I was alone. He installed mirroring apps and tracking apps on my cell (unfortunately I lost this phone), so as to be able to come here when I was not here.
He tried to cause fights with 7 of my neighbours and my landlady (we pretended to be in a fight for months to make him think he succeeded, only thing that made him stop).
Domestic terrorism
I want to change our court systems to include Narcissistic abuse as Domestic violence, it is the most cowardly and smallest scale form of domestic terrorism ”¦ only I am the sole target.
I am good mentally and emotionally, he can only win physically, he is trying to stress me out to make me vomit. It was a favourite game of his, to literally torment me until I had a panic attack and throw up, making me loose weight and lower my immune system defenses.
I am on a waiting list with the clinic, with the prosecutor appointed social workers, with the assistance center for victims of violent crimes and with CPS for a family therapist and a therapist for me and this is since August. There is no point in speaking to a regular talk therapist or psychologist/psychiatrist that is not trained to handle PTSD and emotional abuse.
I have learned that I probably have C-PTSD. I can hear paper falling at the other end of my apartment, my neighbour’s cats upstairs, ALL the neighbours, ALL the time and at the SAME time ”¦ My family doctor said I was definitely am in a constant state of hyper-vigilance”¦
When he attempted to have me committed he tried to convince my parents he is doing all of this because he loves me and trying to ”help” me get the reform and help I need.
Projection
I have discovered a clinical term projection for all his behaviour and whatever he accuses me of, he is doing, has done or planning to do. I took away his ecstasy and speed pills and that is what made him snap this summer.
I don’t know what to do anymore. This type of abuse is actually pretty classic for a Malignant Narcissist that has a whole bloodline backing him to hide the family secrets at all costs! But nobody can believe such levels of sociopathy can be undetected for so long ”¦ It’s too incredible to believe ”¦
Most of our ”friends” are neutral or worse ”¦ ignoring or shunning ME?!
I will speak to every single reporter local or national or international to shine the brightest light possible on narcissistic abuse.
Honor
I read The Art of War 6 times in the last 3 years; it should be mandatory reading for any person involved in an abusive relationship. Emotional and psychological abuse is like being a prisoner of war, a war where you are the sole target. Add physical abuse to the mix, academic abuse, economic abuse, institutional abuse, sexual abuse and you have a full fledged one Narcissist dictatorship.
He could never make me believe I was crazy; he made me feel responsible for him. My family has very strong (sometimes out of place) values on honour and duty. He took my honour for servitude and I will not allow that.
Once I knew *what* I was dealing with, I read up to 16 hours a day (made my insomnia and paralysis work for me) and I discovered the evidence to back it up”¦ Once I knew, he was doing ALL of it on purpose, I was out.
Not everybody has battered wife syndrome, some of us are just fixers or are indoctrinated in a culture that is about family honour!
He chose me for my values and my brain yet those are the first things he tried to annihilate and destroy ”¦
Sorry…the end of my post should read:
We MUST remove ourselves from that equation.
OMFG!!! “Irmas” story is a nightmare. I am sitting here now just shaking my head. I have that book “The Art of War” not sure it’s the same one she is talking about. I think it’s written by a Chinese Author. I just saw it on sale one day at Barnes and Noble and thought it would be a good read for my son when he got older. I never read it. It’s not a very big book. Hopefully it’s the same one and I am going to dig it out of storage. I still have things packed in boxes that I have not been able to keep my head straight to unpack since I moved in with this freak about 14 months ago. My story with this freak is peanuts compared to Irmas. My freak is not violent towards me at all. Only his mouth goes off and he gets angry and goes and beats walls in his cave. Then the next morning he wakes and acts like nothing happened, but I do not let it go. I am not even coming at him like a crazy bitch either. I CALMLY want to discuss it since he “claims” that he wants to change and he just keeps saying the same shit…”Well, YOU…this and YOU….that..” getting ANGRY….I think what pisses him off the most is the fact that I keep bringing it up that his mental issues are from his INSANE family and has been for generations cuz his grandfather was in Willard Insane Asylum and his GF’s brother in New York State.
I have to go to bed. I am so glad I found this site and unfortunately glad to hear that I am not alone.
Thanks for the website
Oh, I wanted to share a website that I found quite interesting. I think it would or might help someone. I am not sure about my situation because it seems like this freak can;t control himself for a full 24 hours without getting pissed off about something for us to even sit down and go over the books,,,,,lol..
http://www.narcissismcured.com/
llpp65 – Welcome to Lovefraud. I hope you find it helpful.
the key to any type of behavioral change is that the person must WANT to change, and must be taking ACTION to change. Words are not action. If you’re not seeing any action, it may be time to reevaluate why you are there.
Donna, SO TRUE! This often gets lost or dismissed at the onset, it may be due to the false sense of familiarity in these words. It’s unfortunate, as this is so pivotal to what path you are going to take. For ‘myself’ there was a huge learning curve, I had no advance warning of non-partner friendly counseling. I was in shock, and without my normal research mindset, I chose a counselor (with Path approving it). A long and damaging road, on numerous levels. There is no such thing as “meet them where they are”, if they don’t want to change to produce action. When I think of it now, what is the purpose of meeting your Path spouse “where he is-IN DENIAL”? It’s a grueling setback for the partner who isn’t in denial, rather RAW REALITY. My intuition was nudging me to ask the counselor(s) various questions regarding this. I’m thankful for the day when I told the last counselor I didn’t see any reason for me to return to ‘this type’ of joint counseling. The divorce was last Spring, Path is still seeing that “meet them where they are” counselor. And they will keep meeting based on that philosophy, combined with no interest in changing. It’s a win-win scenario. I recommend being set on “WANT-ACTION”. So much wasted time spent on “what does this mean, why is, what if”. Through it all, 2 counselors said he didn’t meet the eligibility for their program. “FULL DISCLOSURE, PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTING and ONGOING POLYGRAPHS”. He refused, because that’s not where he was then, nor since then. To all-find a counselor who will “help you”, by affirming your reality through their WANT and ACTION methodology.