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Nobody understands the level of deceit he is capable of

 

Spath TalesEditor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call “Irma.”

I am currently detaching from a Malignant Narcissist, we were together almost 15 years and have 3 children. He became increasingly violent in the last 3 years; I had a non violent honeymoon period of almost 7 years ”¦ I now know he was just managing me down in ways I didn’t even notice for years ”¦

Since I ended our relationship (he punched me 9 times to the head), he and the in-laws have banded together to literally drive me insane ”¦ CPS was called and they were told I was the abusive one, the one with addictions, that I was mentally unstable and a danger to myself and the children.

He cut off my electricity; he tried to have me committed. Twice via the courts, twice with my parents, this did not work. He had me arrested on harassment and intimidation charges while he was actively stalking me.

I have a restraining order so he calls the police like 2 to 3 times week claiming I am violating my court ordered conditions. But in Juvenile court he is trying to force CPS and the judges to FORCE me to break NO CONTACT with him. I have not spoken to him on the phone since I got my restraining order.

He also has videos and recordings of my psychotic episodes or sometimes (depending on audience) they are alcoholic rages but what he doesn’t say is that he recorded me secretly AFTER he was violent or hours of gas lighting and it is me being angry at him. No alcohol or psychosis involved.

The in-laws

His sister and her husband are lawyers they are the ones helping him with all the writing of the court documents (why he is so confident in representing himself against lawyers in their 50s and 60s).

He has access to sound engineering equipment and his father is helping him with all the software and applications to do the creative editing.

His stepmother is the one helping him edit a document with our text messages; he is claiming I sent him 2500 text messages in 2 weeks now. But I got arrested on charges of harassment for a period of 1 month for 2600 texts. He is now saying I sent him 4500 texts, the story changes every other week, depending on audience.

I discovered a whole double life this summer, he cheated 7 times that he admitted to (but he accused me twice of cheating this summer, have discovered his personals Craig’s list account as well, he could have given me a disease!), only 3 were women ”¦

Financial parasite

He has cost us $7800 of unpaid traffic violations, 5 cars since 2011, he purposely screws up my credit every 4 to 5 years, he went through ALL our family savings, all my stock portfolio, all my insurance and retirement fund. He made me lose my job when I was half blind and deaf. His dental work cost my insurance over 12K.

He is a financial parasite, he has borrowed over $50,000 from my father, most of the times, he would not even tell me he asked my father for money!

He has now kidnapped the kids and alienated them to the point he has convinced them I will BEAT them. Yes, the wife beater has convinced the children that I will beat them up if they come here. My kids are so confused”¦

I have no access to them. He made my daughter unfriend me on Facebook, he will never pass the phone to them without him ”talking about the kids” to me, forcing me to break NO CONTACT verbally so he can again record me and edit it”¦

Deceit

Nobody understands the level of deceit he is capable of, the calculation and obsessive planning ”¦

He has broken in the apartment half a dozen of times, he was logging in to my computers remotely and opening shows in the middle of the night to scare me when I was alone. He installed mirroring apps and tracking apps on my cell (unfortunately I lost this phone), so as to be able to come here when I was not here.

He tried to cause fights with 7 of my neighbours and my landlady (we pretended to be in a fight for months to make him think he succeeded, only thing that made him stop).

Domestic terrorism

I want to change our court systems to include Narcissistic abuse as Domestic violence, it is the most cowardly and smallest scale form of domestic terrorism ”¦ only I am the sole target.

I am good mentally and emotionally, he can only win physically, he is trying to stress me out to make me vomit. It was a favourite game of his, to literally torment me until I had a panic attack and throw up, making me loose weight and lower my immune system defenses.

I am on a waiting list with the clinic, with the prosecutor appointed social workers, with the assistance center for victims of violent crimes and with CPS for a family therapist and a therapist for me and this is since August. There is no point in speaking to a regular talk therapist or psychologist/psychiatrist that is not trained to handle PTSD and emotional abuse.

I have learned that I probably have C-PTSD. I can hear paper falling at the other end of my apartment, my neighbour’s cats upstairs, ALL the neighbours, ALL the time and at the SAME time ”¦ My family doctor said I was definitely am in a constant state of hyper-vigilance”¦

When he attempted to have me committed he tried to convince my parents he is doing all of this because he loves me and trying to ”help” me get the reform and help I need.

Projection

I have discovered a clinical term projection for all his behaviour and whatever he accuses me of, he is doing, has done or planning to do. I took away his ecstasy and speed pills and that is what made him snap this summer.

I don’t know what to do anymore. This type of abuse is actually pretty classic for a Malignant Narcissist that has a whole bloodline backing him to hide the family secrets at all costs! But nobody can believe such levels of sociopathy can be undetected for so long ”¦ It’s too incredible to believe ”¦

Most of our ”friends” are neutral or worse ”¦ ignoring or shunning ME?!

I will speak to every single reporter local or national or international to shine the brightest light possible on narcissistic abuse.

Honor

I read The Art of War 6 times in the last 3 years; it should be mandatory reading for any person involved in an abusive relationship. Emotional and psychological abuse is like being a prisoner of war, a war where you are the sole target. Add physical abuse to the mix, academic abuse, economic abuse, institutional abuse, sexual abuse and you have a full fledged one Narcissist dictatorship.

He could never make me believe I was crazy; he made me feel responsible for him. My family has very strong (sometimes out of place) values on honour and duty. He took my honour for servitude and I will not allow that.

Once I knew *what* I was dealing with, I read up to 16 hours a day (made my insomnia and paralysis work for me) and I discovered the evidence to back it up”¦ Once I knew, he was doing ALL of it on purpose, I was out.

Not everybody has battered wife syndrome, some of us are just fixers or are indoctrinated in a culture that is about family honour!

He chose me for my values and my brain yet those are the first things he tried to annihilate and destroy ”¦

 


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24 Comments on "Nobody understands the level of deceit he is capable of"

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I get it. And I believe you…I also agree with you-our court system SHOULD be changed. But I’ve come to believe that those with power (some people, not everyone) are just as narcissistic and sociopathic as our ex’s.

Your story reminds me of two stories — one I just finished reading. A book by Elizabeth Haynes called “Into the Darkest Corner.” It’s very suspenseful at first, then gets to be to horrible I had to stop reading the last 100 pages about how he abused the main character. Having read this site a lot, I know the last page is so realistic. He goes to prison, she gets a letter from prison that says, “When I get out, I WILL FIND YOU.” The other story is a movie. It’s not nearly so hard to take, but it is very realistic and sounds a lot like your story. It’s called “Mister Wrong.”

Irma wrote that the laws should be changed to include “Narcissistic Abuse.” Before I comment, let me say that many people with mental illnesses have been able to lead fairly normal lives, because they take responsibility for their illness and keeping healthy. (I don’t know much about narcissism, so can’t address whether this is treatable or not). The medical recommended treatment is a combination of psychotherapy and medication. But the law should take into consideration “Mental Illness Abuse,” or some title like that. It could be, for example, borderline personality disorder; paranoia personality disorder; bipolar disorder, clinical depression; schizophrenia, and probably others. All of these can result in many forms of abuse. I have four best friends who have mental illness. One is recovering alcoholic, also is bipolar, and has been stable as long as I have known her, which is over 10 years. One has schizophrenia. Occasionally she is suicidal and goes to the hospital, but I’ve never known her to be abusive or violent. One, who died of obesity when she was in her 60s, had overcome alcoholism, smoking, and schizo-affective disorder. Food was her downfall. The other one has bipolar disorder, has never had a substance abuse issue, but lives on Social Security because she can no longer work. She has been slightly physically violent to a husband who had some form of mental illness and hit her, and gaslighted her, and destroyed her personal items, and interfered with her work. She has been balanced for 20 years, and has completely left her rages in her past.

Wow. The insidiousness of all of that.

I definitely believe.

Wow, what a testament! The reason most people don’t believe you is that most people have normalcy/similarity bias (http://pathwhisperer.info/2015/11/02/assumed-similarity-bias/). His behavior doesn’t fit in their accepted cubbyholes of human possibilities.

I would say that it is more than projection (though that could well be included). Emotionless psychopaths don’t have normal reasons to do things — all they have is their precious superiority.

Throw in their arrested development (pre-adolescent) and their motivations just don’t make sense to ordinary people. They need to find something to do with their adult brain power but no adult drives. It’s not rare at all to find psychopathic individuals who will spend years and incredible mental concentration and effort on harassments such as your ex’s of you.

Incidentally, their pansexuality is also part of their arrested development. Mentally, they’re stuck in the sex games stage of development.

Yes, thank you so very very much for that link pathwhisperer.

Interstellar (the movie) has Dr Mann explaining that people’s last thoughts are about their children. Last thoughts to the dying are concern about their children’s memories of them, living on through those memories.

Even the movies, which are usually so great at portraying human nature, get it wrong when it comes to parents.

And look at the backlash Mommy Dearest took from so many reviewers. The coathanger thing was the norm, not the coathanger incident itself (other objects and methods were used) but rage and unexplainable craziness was a constant instead of being an incident that stands out in my memories. The child protection services failed many in my day because of this bias!

Since moving last year I went to a new therapist because my catchment area has changed. This catchment area, for my new therapist, is one where people are more affluent. That is the only explanation I can come up with for the differences between therapists regarding parents. Was speechless when the new therapist asked “Why would a father do that”. She then wanted to go down a path of what could I have done to make my father act so unfatherly. I politely changed the subject then humoured her for the rest of my first and last session with her. Am on my own with the post traumatic memories.

A professional not believing shows just how entrenched that assumed similarity bias is in our society. Entrenched because most people are parents themselves. They cannot entertain the idea of others like themselves (parents) being monsters. Therefore the abused are abused by proxy. Having to come up with an explanation of why my father was crazy sets me back to the times when I felt worthless and blamed myself for his actions, therefore sadly yes it is abuse by proxy paid by OHIP.

pathwhisperer….thanks for the link!

I UNDERSTAND ALL TOO WELL!

Does he have a long-lost twin brother?!

I’m praying for you, angel. You take care and make sure that you tell EVERYONE your side of things. Trust me, people WILL believe you especially after he pulls the same stunts with others (and he will, they can’t help themselves). Remain NO CONTACT, and remember, if he’s making false accusations against you this might not even work (It didn’t for me).

Pray to God for help and guidance and be patient.
God WILL help you!

STAY STRONG!!!

My god that is horrible. I too was afraid of these “types” of tactics when I left my sociopath (though I have to say mine is not as sophisticated as yours seems to be) but mean and threatening and capable of doing some serious harm to me, both bodily, professionally and financially. I thought the best defense is an offense. I led him to believe we would reconcile while actively pursuing temporary orders. Yes, not honest but hell look what we’re up against. When he write me “veiled threats” of what he would falsely accuse me of. I took those threats and made them public; thereby, removing him as the messenger and deflating his false accusations. When he threatened me with the police, falsely, I called the police when he trespassed on my property (nothing came of it but did shake him up). I do not take his calls and let them go to voicemail. I have made those public. I always have a witness present during all pick ups and drop offs. Not sure if you can afford to put up cameras, I would. When he accused me falsely of xy or z I took my children to my lawyer to draft a truthful statement as to what they say and heard. Thereby creating a record. Any tampering with computers, financial accounts, I get letters and affidavits from anyone who can be a reliable witness. All communication is by email (though he constantly is tried to get me to go to text). I would take all text messages from him and copy them and put them on email form and cc others. Still I haven’t made huge strides in getting a divorce. Most of my children are alienated from me. It is a full time job setting the record straight and I can enlist the help of friends and relatives who are legally savvy. I feel for you. Once the ship has sailed I don’t know what can you can do to make the correction. I can warn others who about to embark on daunting task of leaving a sociopath. For those of you lamenting that your sociopath left you, you are the lucky ones indeed. I never thought I would wish for the day that mine would move on but I do now.

Why do they get away with everything? This is something that has had me in tears. The one i was dealing with has beaten another man with a bat, thrown a bottle of juice at a store clerks face because she acknowledged someone in line behind him, and commited other crimes involving stealing or deception but always seems to get away with it. The case Either ends in dismissal or probation. Do they use their deceitful ways with attorneys and the court system!?? This REALLY bothers me. Its like they win everything!!!!

Maybe it’s because of their skill at putting on the charm. It takes a very savvy person to figure this out, in, for example a domestic violence or court situation. My ex-husband called me about year after our divorce. We were still on speaking terms THEN. I had moved to a city 45 miles from where he lived. He told me on the phone his mother had just died, and he asked if he could stay at my place for a while. I said I’d be at my boyfriend’s and he could use my apartment over the weekend. Well, he knew my b/f and I had our own problems. So when the b/f and I had a bad day, I came home — to MY apartment. The ex- was angry at me for coming home. He told me he needed his privacy, and that I had promised him the apartment. He got really menacing, like he used to do I wish I could explain what I mean by “menacing,” but I can’t really. It was very scary, that’s all I can remember. So anyway, I placed myself carefully between him and my phone. Finally, I called the police and said I was feeling threatened by a man who would not leave my home. In short order, two officers showed up — a man and a woman! I was thrilled to see the woman!! ha ha ha for the ex- on that score. Well, of course, as soon as the officers arrived, the ex- put on the charm. The officers had seen this before, I’m sure, with plenty of other abusers. They were not fooled. First, they asked me if I wanted to see him again. I said No. The male officer escorted him out of my apartment. The female officer stayed a few minutes with me, and told me that her partner was “giving him a good talking to.” Stupidly, I did talk to the ex- a few more times after that. At the beginning of each call, I was happy to hear from him. But within 10 minutes, he had me crying. Also, he was bummed that I’d called the police. I knew that the police in our smaller city would never have believed me, which is why I never called them them there. But when we were married, I spent at least a dozen nights, scattered though our time together, at women’s shelters, ministers’ homes, and motel rooms. (When we were married, I would drive much too fast to a pay phone to call my therapist and cry and scream till she could calm me down. That’s what our life was like, quite a bit of the time, esp. at night.) Well, finally, he stopped calling me — and here’s why. He owed me $3000 because of a contract he’d signed that he’d pay my COBRA medical insurance until I was no longer eligible for COBRA. He paid for ONE MONTH, so he owed me for all the payments I had made for my health insurance. So I told him, “Don’t call me until you are ready to pay the $3,000 you owe me.” When he’d call, there was Caller ID so I knew it was him. I’d answer the phone, and immediately say, “Yay! You’re calling because you are going to pay the $3,000 you owe me!” That’s all I said, and of course he was not going to pay. Finally, he got tired of this routine. I have not heard from him in 20 years.

Its just very very frustrating and hurtful to me. Just feels powerless for those of us hurt by one of these people.

Yes, it sure does, Caitlin and everyone here. Does anyone have any solutions to be able to build up our personal authority or power to avoid this? Probably not, though. In fact, I have read several books about a cult called Scientology, where leaders of that cult ” come after,” or”go after” people who leave, or who criticize the cult, for YEARS AND YEARS, dragging their reputations through the mud, making up false charges against them, following them around, and taking court repeatedly. One nationally recognized USA reporter wrote a book/memoir about her pain with this cult, and was attacked in these ways nearly committed suicide. But she changed her mind when real friend just happened to drop in on her to say Hello. There are now a lot of books about this, including one by Jenny Miscavidge, niece of the head of the cult, who has the same last name.

@Synergy – I followed that up and found that Scientology has a process called ‘disconnection’, which is effectively the Silent Treatment.

Cults behave in a psychopathic way. Interestingly there’s a very famous film star who is a prominent member of Scientology. A little bit of research indicates that this film star shows all the characteristics of a P.

Which makes me think that Ps get attracted to cults if they can be in a position of authority.

@Irma ‘a whole bloodline backing him to hide the family secrets at all costs! But nobody can believe such levels of sociopathy can be undetected for so long ” It’s too incredible to believe ”’ Without giving identifying details I am well aware of how families connive to put up a front to hide the dark things they get up to. And the chances of being convicted of anything are remote no matter how dire their actions. Getting irrefutable evidence from the abused or the abusers is almost impossible.

Hello, NoLongerShocked, I wish I could get to the point where I am “no longer shocked”! One thing that helped some was Barbara Tuchman’s fascinating book “A Distant Mirror: The Calamitous 14th Century.” It showed me that the history of the United States and Europe go back to the 1300s. Feudalism, wars between various factions, peasants, merchants, royalty, “mad kings,” streams of money staying in families, various types of crime — it was all happening then, too. Now I realize that the political psychopaths in our system of government is not anything new. “The News” would make us think it’s all new stuff — so we are shocked. But when social history is examined in lay language,(not the shallow kind of political history we were taught in school, which I hated) “human nature” or political movements, whatever it is — is neither new nor reversible. You wrote, “there’s a very famous film star who is a prominent member of Scientology. A little bit of research indicates that this film star shows all the characteristics of a P.” I know the name of that star. Will research his behavior. I didn’t know about his tendencies towards psychopathy. Scientology actively recruits famous people as a “front” to give Scie. a reputation of respectability. They do not abuse these stars the way they abuse the rest of the cult members.s BUT Scientology also has a strong “hold” on the stars. They can never leave, because of Scientology’s method of “counseling” (I forget the name they use for it)whereby each person is regularly encouraged/forced to reveal their innermost secrets and skeletons in their closets. And then publicly shamed in front of a large group of their peers. The stars are frightened they will be “outed” if they try to leave. In some countries, Scientology has been outlawed. In the USA, it is given all the legal and tax protections of a “church.”

Synergy, thanks for the book recommendation by Tuchman I’ll check that out! I’ve been reading a lot about the disorder and I found the following informative: “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout, “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare and “In Sheep’s Clothing” by George Simon. The Scient. “counseling” is called auditing by the way.

This guy sounds like a psychopath. They are able to fool so many people with their charm to cover their evil manipulation and abuse in the same way that they fooled us. I would never have believed anyone like these spaths even existed until I was targeted and victimized myself in my late 40’s.

In my personal experience I found that the most powerful way to protect myself from my ex psychopath and to actually ‘win’ was to avoid lowering myself to his level, to maintain my ethical behavior, and to avoid engaging him in battles. I basically turned the problem over to God. I perceived a strong evil spiritual component in the ex psychopath’s choices of behavior and underlying motivations that is beyond my ability to deal with. I needed a Higher Power protecting me. Especially at first I was manipulated by the spath to do and say wrong things that are against my standards, but I eventually figured out that he was my enemy who was trying to get me to act out badly in response to his abuse. I acted out in rages, cursed and hit him, was driven by his abuse to vomiting and considering harming myself, begged and pleaded with him, etc. To the extent I was eventually able to rise above and do right, things worked out in my favor and I was able to escape him. He damaged a part of my life and the worst was the damage he did to my son and to our relationship.
I wonder if Irma can use existing laws against harassment, slander, false accusations, assault, defamation of character, and the like to defend against her ex. A really good attorney who understands sociopathic abuse may be able to help, I hope.

AnnettePK, you said it so eloquently. I too removed myself from the equation, because P’s thrive on drama and power. They are puppetmasters and enjoy watching their puppets go up and down on their emotional roller coaster. As soon as you take a step back and look at the situation objectively and realize they have no emotion and that they get pleasure out of your positive and negative emotions, you realize it is all a game to them. I too avoided lowering myself to his level, to maintain my ethical behavior, and to avoid engaging in battles. They don’t want to give you closure, so our closure, our “win” is to become indifferent and “boring” as can be like a gray rock… and they will slither away like the snake that they are. they just love triangulation so I’m sorry he affected your relationship with your son…we can only try our best to not engage them and be as boring as possible in hopes they will just leave us be.

Yes, they are sick and sadistic to us”but all the SP / P knows.

That is even scarier. They can’t behave any other way.

Still NO EXCUSE, and still people that we all must have NO CONTACT with, if possible. We MUST NOT feel pity or sorry for them. That’s when we get into trouble.

There is NO helping them to change and they can’t change. We MUST accept that fact.

We MUST re

Sorry…the end of my post should read:

We MUST remove ourselves from that equation.

OMFG!!! “Irmas” story is a nightmare. I am sitting here now just shaking my head. I have that book “The Art of War” not sure it’s the same one she is talking about. I think it’s written by a Chinese Author. I just saw it on sale one day at Barnes and Noble and thought it would be a good read for my son when he got older. I never read it. It’s not a very big book. Hopefully it’s the same one and I am going to dig it out of storage. I still have things packed in boxes that I have not been able to keep my head straight to unpack since I moved in with this freak about 14 months ago. My story with this freak is peanuts compared to Irmas. My freak is not violent towards me at all. Only his mouth goes off and he gets angry and goes and beats walls in his cave. Then the next morning he wakes and acts like nothing happened, but I do not let it go. I am not even coming at him like a crazy bitch either. I CALMLY want to discuss it since he “claims” that he wants to change and he just keeps saying the same shit…”Well, YOU…this and YOU….that..” getting ANGRY….I think what pisses him off the most is the fact that I keep bringing it up that his mental issues are from his INSANE family and has been for generations cuz his grandfather was in Willard Insane Asylum and his GF’s brother in New York State.
I have to go to bed. I am so glad I found this site and unfortunately glad to hear that I am not alone.
Thanks for the website

Oh, I wanted to share a website that I found quite interesting. I think it would or might help someone. I am not sure about my situation because it seems like this freak can;t control himself for a full 24 hours without getting pissed off about something for us to even sit down and go over the books,,,,,lol..
http://www.narcissismcured.com/

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