REGISTER | LOGIN
By | December 13, 2007 154 Comments

“Nothing says I love you like a Glock”

I was going about the morning as usual, working on my next book, with CNN on in the background, when I heard what has to be the sociopathic quote of the year, “Nothing says I love you like a Glock.” I have not shared much about my own experience with a sociopath, but one of the things I am most ashamed of is that I did not react more strongly to my former husband’s preoccupation with guns. He did not personally own any gun, but he talked about them a great deal, and he was very persistent about the idea that I should learn how to shoot. He also wanted me to own a hand gun. I did take the NRA gun safety course and I learned how to shoot. I have to say, target practice was fun and I was good at it. I had and still have, an aversion to guns, and so never applied for permission to own one of my own. I felt like a fuddy-dud though, after all our Constitution does give us the right to arm bears, or is it bare arms? I don’t know…

What I do know is that the presence of a hand gun in the home is statistically associated with completed suicide. Access to weapons means a greater likelihood of using them on one’s self or others on impulse. A good thing did come from my training in fire arms, that was I became a more comfortable asking my patients if they owned weapons. All psychiatric/psychological evaluations should include this question.

The sociopathic quote of the year belongs to Drew Peterson, a man who the entire country believes may be responsible for the disappearance of his wife. To read the story visit The Chicago Tribune Website.

Although many people who own guns and use guns are not sociopaths, nearly all sociopaths are in love with guns. This is not discussed at all in the scientific literature but, in my conversations with other victims, they have verified the obsession. Sociopaths are in love with guns because they are the ultimate symbol of power and sociopaths are preoccupied with power. Sociopaths enjoy not only real guns, they also enjoy toy guns and violent videogames. Many studies have shown that sociopaths enjoy violent entertainment more that the average person.

If someone you suspect is a sociopath, wants you to have a gun, please get away from that person immediately. I strongly believe that many sociopaths who do not kill their partners, get their partners to kill themselves. Obviously, a person can also be murdered in such a way that it looks like a suicide. Please notice that Mr. Peterson bought his wife a gun as a Valentine’s day present. How telling is that? How sick is that?


154
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
coukno

It is a shame Drew Peterson can so far get away with probably killing 2 of his wives. And anyone dumb enough to contribute to that website defense should be examined as well.

This goes to show you how many people out there, the general public, cannot see thru him as being a psycho.

We have a long way to go.

tryingtorecover

Shortly after my husband moved out and moved in with his girlfriend (he was insisting at the time he was living w/ a male friend and his girlfriend was a lesbian) I was saying goodbye to a friend “E” outside of my house when another friend “C”, who lived down the street, stopped and rolled down her window. She said that she saw my husband’s patrol car out front earlier and thought he was there cleaning up his crime scene. (It was actually E’s husband’s patrol car.) She was smiling and thought it was a joke. It wasn’t the first. One of the favorites from her and others was- don’t go on any long drives by the water with him. She knew I was afraid of him, but I guess he’s charming enough that people don’t think he could be capable of anything like that. I don’t know that he is either, but I don’t know that he’s not. C is a dispatcher for the sheriff’s dept. and her husband was a detective. She is also the reason I found this site. Sometime before “the joke”, I was telling her some of the things that my husband was doing and saying and she called him a sociopath. She was the second person to do so and something clicked and I went on the internet. Finding this site and others has explained the last 18 years of my life.

I started getting off point. Actually I’m not sure what my point is other than I know exactly how Drew Peterson can get away with it.

Also, my soon-to-be X’s favorite movie is The Godfather, he owned guns even before he went to the road, and he
mentioned at least twice after he said he wanted to separate that the dept. new everything about him including where he kept his guns and that I had a mental condition. Some anxiety and depression, which usually showed up when he was in what I called “one of his moods”, was the mental condition he was speaking of. And yes, now I know that “his moods” were cycles of abuse.

alohatraveler

To Tryintorecover,

What you said about your “mental condition” that showed up when your ex was in “one of his moods”… that is so classic. I can’t remember any exact things that the Bad Man said to me but that rang my bell when you said that. It’s that twisting of things that they do that is the common thread with these disordered people.

That is a perfect example of how they take you apart slowly. They are so committed to their truth that you start to wonder if you have a mental condition. UGH! It makes me sick! Looking back, I can’t believe I let someone run me in circles like that and make me feel crazy.

You know what else…. do you see how your Ex was setting the stage with his colleuges by telling them that you had a mental condition and about where the guns are?! He is setting you up to look unstable in the eyes of other people so that if something *happens* to you… “well, I guess we all shouldn’t be surprised. She was a bit unstable you know.” Do you see what I am saying?

Change your locks and get a security system. I worked for a security company once as a temp and they keep on record any restraining orders and things like that. I don’t want to scare you but I hope you have thought of that.

Congratulations on finding this site. It is your beam of light and hope and recovery. Welcome.

Aloha… E.R.

swamp40

There are already t-shirts:

http://www.cafepress.com/drewisms

So important are they, that his post and the comments could/should be made into a flyer for general distribution in, say, doctors waiting room, etc!

I think I’ll visit a few relevant sites on Drew and link it.

tryingtorecover

To Alohatraveler,

I am now living 1500 miles away from him with our child. We are back in our hometown with family. We had only lived in our new state for a year. Just long enough to get set in his job and find his soul-mate. He told me on Valentines night that he wasn’t happy with me and I was so clueless i thought I had washed his uniforms the wrong way. It was the 18th anniversary of our engagement and the next day was my birthday. Just the week before I had asked him to please not ruin another birthday. I had seen another “mood” coming on. When I asked him why he told me then and not before or after, he said “no reason, it was just time”. I found out in the coming days and weeks that he had been setting the stage for months. He was telling people I was so homesick that he thought I was going to leave and take his son when my mother came for a visit. He didn’t know what he was going to do because he would have to pay the sheriff’s dept. back for the academy costs if he went with us and he couldn’t do that. He was ready to play victim again, only this time I was going to be the evil one. My mom had actually paid the academy costs because the dept. wouldn’t. He had already quit once and gotten back in with the help of a family friend.(my family of course) But, those costs were small compared to over $100,000 he had gotten out of my mom for businesses and living expenses over the years. He moved us to ** when he asked for more and I told him it was all gone. Now my mom is supporting my son and me until I can get on my feet. I had no credit cards left(he used them to start the businesses), he took the only car we had (his vehicle had been repoed before the bankruptcy)

I need to stop now – maybe I do have a mental condition to not have seen what he really is. To see it in writing it’s all to ridiculous and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

alohatraveler

To Tryingtorecover,

I am so sorry that you went through all that. I think I am lucky in that I didn’t have any money to give the Bad Man and he never asked me for money. He did file a claim against me for a minor car accident though. It was for a dent, barely perceptible to the eye for a car with 175,000 miles on it which caused my car insurance to go WAY UP. It was not a claim that any normal person would file.

I did get into some debt with from my own decisions related to the Bad Man so I am slowly recovering from all that with with the kindness of friends giving me low cost place to live.

I don’t think you have a mental condition. You just believed in love at all costs and it cost you a lot. We all did this. I understand the “tip of the iceburg.” I fel absurd when I talk about the things that the Bad Man said to me and how much terrorizing I put up with.

We have to give ourselves credit for getting out of whatever situation we were in. It might have taken months or it might have taken years but we did that for ourselves and that is a fine start.

Hello Me! Thanks for coming back!

tryingtorecover

To Alohatraveler,

Thanks for taking the time to respond. P/N was in town for visitation and it’s always stressful.

Hello Me! Come out, come out, wherever you are!

madashell32

I’ve been out of my “sociopathic” relationship for a year and a half and although they say “No Contact” is best (and I desparately wish he would go away), “No contact” is hard to do when you have a child with a sociopath and that sociopath is constantly harassing you about seeing the child. I don’t know that my sociopath would ever try to kill anyone, he is much too lazy for that. He has all the classic socipathic traits except for aggressiveness (yet)- but as the mother of a beautiful 2 year old little girl, I cannot give him the benfit of the doubt and assume he would never hurt her. So should he ever decide he is tough enough to force himself into my home and take her, he will be staring down the barrel of MY loaded gun (which was obtained after I kicked him out of the house). If I am forced to pull the trigger, then OH WELL…..for a change I will be the one not feeling guilty or remorseful for my actions. I refer to it as pre-meditated self defense because I know he is coming, I just don’t know when. But we will not be his victims again. I don’t think any of us are crazy for not being able to see what the socipath was, we were just naive. I do think surviving a sociopath does make you a little crazy because how can any person go through this crap and not be affected? We are all browsing the internet looking for answers and closure of some sort or telling our stories which may make us feel better for awhile but in a short time we are thinking about it again and feeling like crap all over again beause someone took advantage of us and they will never have to answer for it and they will never feel bad for having done it. As crazy as it sounds, the only thing that will ever allow me to have complete closure is dancing on the mans grave. Lord forgive me.

Ox Drover

I grew up in a rural enviornment where each household had the tools needed on the farm, shovels, plows and guns. Guns were there as “tools” and were treated with respect for that purpose.

If a coyotte is attacking a calf what am I going to do, run 400 yards with a shovel? No, I’m going to use the appropriate tool and that is a .22 rifle with a scope.

As I was growing up, guns were not kept locked or hidden behind a door, they were propped behind the couch or up in the corner of the room. I was taught not to mess with them when no adult was around, and as soon as I was big enough, I was taught how to safely handle one and to use it.

I was also taught how to use a knife and an ax at a young age and cautioned about the fact that they were dangerous when misused.

The few homicides in our area were by people who were “mentally ill” and they ususally ended up being put in the “state hospital for the cimminally insane.” The last legal hanging took place in 1913 when a man killed a mail carrier for what he thought was money on the man’s person. But though the man who killed him had a gun, he used a club to kill the man.

I still own guns and own two hand guns. One of those hand guns has saved my life at least three times that I know of just by its presence. I have never fired at anyone, but I did point it at two people who were trying to harm me. I was prepared to pull the trigger if necessary but didn’t have to. I’m glad I didn’t, but I would have if it meant saving my life.

I have used guns to hunt game, to kill predators attacking my livestock, though I don’t kill coyottes if they are not actively attacking something and there is a large population of them where I live.

As a medical professional I have seen more suicide attempts with drugs than with guns, and I am not sure which is the worst to “live over” if you fail. A former foster child of mine committed suicide a year or so ago with carbonmonoxide poisoning, yet he owned guns. Working with the local volunteer fire department we had one neighbor who committed suicide with a gun.

I also know of two adolescents poaching game out of season and not wearing orange vests and one shot the other, thinking he was a deer. It was not a fatal injury.

In our area there are more injuries by chain saw than gun injuries. Guns in the hands of people who view them as “macho” and “power” rather than what they are–TOOLS–or who are violent and see owning a gun as the “ultimate power trip” give guns or owning guns a “bad name.” To me, and to most of the people I know in our community, a gun is just another tool, or piece of sporting equipment, and like a baseball bat, can be used to protect yourself if you have to.

Being a woman, I realize I am not as strong as a man that might want to hurt me, but my Colt makes me “equal” or “more than equal” to an attack by anyone. My son, whose X-wife purchased a gun for herself and for her ex-confict ASPD BF with the intention of making it lookk like “self defense” had been “nagging my son” to get rid of HIS guns for several weeks, though she had lived in his house with several guns quietly enough until she decided to kill him. Even though he just happened not to have a gun at hand when she and her BF tried to kill him, he did have a phone in his hand and got through to 911 at which time, she and her BF fled, knowing they could not make his murder look like “self defense” at that time. Fortunately,, she and her BF are both in jail since August and hopefully will remain there for a good long time. Frankly, if she had known that my son was armed I don’t think the attempt on his life would have even been made.

It may sound “crazy” but “better to be tried by 12 jurors than carried by six pallbearers.”

Responsible gun ownership (and I am not talking about people who are obscessed with them as “macho’ weapons) makes gun crime lower. Switzerland has a “militia” and all able bodied men from age 21-60 have a government supplied machine gun and ammnition in their homes at all times. There IS NO GUN CRIME in that country. Everyone is armed and everyone else knows it. Gun crime proliferates when only the criminals have access to guns.

My state has a concealed carry permit law, and after taking the course and gettng an FBI back ground check you are allowed to carry a hand gun concealed. There has not been a single instance where anyone with a permit has been convicted of murder, but several instances where robberies were thwarted and lives saved.

As a woman I would no more think about getting in my car alone and going for a trip without any kind of protection with me than I would go without shoes or clothing. Two of the three times that I had to point my gun for my protection was when I was broken down on the side of the freeway at night alone.

To Madashell32, I say I understand where you are coming from. My safety may very well one day depend again upon my having a fire arm and knowing how to use it.

The “dancing on his grave” part though, I have finally gotten through that stage this year when after 40 years of NC my biological father who was a psychopath died. I had always thought I would want to dance on his grave, but after he died, I realized I didn’t even want to do that. I never got “justice” on this earth from what he did to me, but at the same time, I did get PEACE. I did get closure and PEACE and I pray that you do as well. I can only imagine what it must be like to have to deal with one of “them” because of your child, and to want to protect that child from them. My prayers are with you and every parent in your situation. God bless.

serena79

I totally agree w/ these findings. My ex boyfriend had stole a gun from the house of a guy he worked with, and hid it at my house. I also found out that he had kept a gun at his ex-wife’s house as well. (which he married her and left a week later) He also was obsessed with scary, violent movies. That’s the only movies he ever wanted to watch. And he wasn’t a huge video game player, but he said he only like to play the Recon games and army games and so forth. Very scary and crazy to wonder what he would do with a gun in his pocession besides feel empowered!! and about the suicide…and the end of our relationship he was trying to make me feel like I was the crazy one and it really started to work. I felt depressed like there was something wrong with me. So I could see if this kind of thing went on long enough, how someone may turn to suicide…and he also would tell me he wanted me to keep a gun for safety. WOW…that’s all I can say…

Kenneth Royce

As a shooting instructor who trains mostly women, and proud member of the nonaggressive gun culture, I respectfully take factual exception to some of Dr. Leedom’s remarks.

____________
“What I do know is that the presence of a hand gun in the home is statistically associated with completed suicide. Access to weapons means a greater likelihood of using them on one’s self or others on impulse.”

True only in the limited sense that living in proximity to bodies of water is statistically associated with drowning. What Dr. Leedom unfortunately failed to mention as a counter-balance is that the presence of a handgun in the home is not only statistically associated with successful self-defense against assailants, but that self-defense (which includes the mere brandishing of a gun) is a far more common use of handguns than suicide, murder, or even accidental manslaughter. (At least 4.5 times more common according to John Lott, author of The Bias Against Guns: Why Almost Everything You’ve Heard About Gun Control Is Wrong.)

http://www.amazon.com/Bias-Against-Guns-Everything-Control/dp/0895261146/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=utf8mb4&s=books&qid=1198266308&sr=1-1

Regarding all the emotion surrounding guns, I have this to say. If a woman were accosted in an alley and could only pick up a big rock to throw at her aggressor, should she does so even though such may strike a mortal blow? Certainly. Folks, a gun is merely a technologically superior way of throwing a rock. Rock or bullet, the core issue remains exactly the same: the right of peaceable citizens to defend themselves against lethal force with lethal force. This natural right of self-defense includes related tools and training. (I.e., the right embraces the means: see the Second Amendment.) Meaning, a woman attacked in an alley doesn’t have to limit herself to merely a rock.

____________
“Although many people who own guns and use guns are not sociopaths . . .”

A more accurate statement would be “_most_ people who own guns and use guns are not sociopaths.”

____________
“Please notice that Mr. Peterson bought his wife a gun as a Valentine’s day present. How telling is that? How sick is that?”

Mentally-healthly men often buy firearms as gifts for their ladies. (It’s quite common throughout the gun culture.) As a gift, I once took my girlfriend (who had bought her own Glock) to Thunder Ranch for five days of quality training. She never thought of my gift as “sick.”

Bad people exist, and always will. Good people need to be realistic about that, and prepare for the Real World. The issue has never really been about sociopaths or other potential assailants. The issue is that too many good people continue to allow themselves to become victims by avoiding the proper tools and training necessary to defend themselves during lethal emergencies.

http://olegvolk.net/gallery/d/20268-4/acceptablelosses.jpg

http://olegvolk.net/gallery/d/20110-4/map.jpg

If Mrs. Peterson had indeed been trained with her Glock — and carrying it on that fateful day — she might have been alive today instead of presumed murdered by her husband.

You’re four times more likely to need a firearm to one day save your life than a home fire extinguisher. You already own a home fire extinguisher.

Well, got gun?

Kenneth Royce
http://www.javelinpress.com

author of:

Optical illusions: autostereograms and sociopaths
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/05/20/optical-illusions-autostereograms-and-sociopaths/

alohatraveler

To Kenneth,

What do you know about Sociopaths? How easy it is for one to make a victim appear as if they are unstable and took their own life. And how convincing they can be.

So if we are smart and our partner gives us a gun as a gift, we should then carry it around the home in case we ever need to use it on them? LAME.

I know you didn’t say that but still. your arguments are lame. Sorry.

Any man that gave me a gun as a gift would be out of my life so fast, he wouldn’t know what hit him. I do not want guns around my home.

madashell32

To Kenneth: Bravo. I agree with your comments. Especially where you stated “bad people exist and always will. Good people need to be realistic about that and prepare for the real world.”

If one has been a victim, that doesn’t mean you have to continue to be one. If if a person has lived through a relationship with a Socipath and you know what they are all about and if you are SCARED of them and DO NOT not take precautions, then that makes you a voluntary victim. I take great comfort knowing that I have a loaded gun hidden in the house. It does not comfort me knowing that I have the ability to end someone’s life (that would be insane). It comforts me knowing that if a bad situation should occur, just by showing I have a gun, I probably won’t ever have to pull the trigger. To anyone who is completely against owning a gun for protection, I ask you this…..Someone enters your home and threatens you or you and your children (if you are a parent), How do you defend yourself? What is your plan of action? What is your tool for defense? Or are you just a victim…..and let them do whatever they want without putting up a fight…..

On a lighter note, just a few weeks ago, the older gentlemen whom I have been dating for quite some (who most definitely is NOT a sociopath) asked me “Honey, if I were to MAYBE do some of my christmas shopping at Bass Pro Shops, why might interest you more? Shirts or sweaters?” After I paused a moment to think and before I could answer him, he chuckled and said “No, a gun is not one of the choices.” 🙂

Kenneth Royce

“So if we are smart and our partner gives us a gun as a gift, we should then carry it around the home in case we ever need to use it on them? LAME. I know you didn’t say that but still. ”

You’re right: I did not say that, or even mean it.
Don’t stick around with a sociopath, even if you’re armed.

However, if you must for a short while, it is better to be trained with defensive skills and weapons than . . . not.

“I do not want guns around my home.”

That’s certainly your right, of course.

However, if you’re ever attacked in your home, you will have a dilemma regarding calling for the police, as they will certainly bring guns into your home.

Had you considered that?

_________
from madashell32:

Thanks!

Whenever somebody opines that “people should be disarmed” I always reply: “Bad guys first.”

_________
from Dr. Leedom:
“Not all people who are fascinated or obsessed with weapons are soicopaths, but if someone has other [sociopathic] traits and that one, beware.”

I agree, and do not doubt that as symbols/tools of personal power, weapons are inordinately important to sociopaths. But, it’s a general issue of dominance. (I.e., the weapons are incidental.)

As a member of the shooting culture, there are definitely members therein who seem (even to me) rather overinvolved in their gun collections. No sub-culture enjoys 100% balanced people. However, one never hears of mass-shootings at gun shows, firing ranges, etc. To many armed folk able to respond to such aggression.

But, I never concern myself that a may encounter an armed and dangerous sociopath. I’m armed, and most likely much better trained that he is. (By definition, a “problem” is something that one has not prepared for and cannot easily solve when encountered.)

btw, psychologically, the defensive schools’ “Color Code of Alertness” explains the armed citizen’s mindset. Condition White is generally unalert and unaware–operating on subconscious “auto-pilot”–which is when one is most likely to get mugged or have a traffic accident.

Condition Yellow is aware and alert. I.e., you’re paying attention to what you’re doing and to your environment.

The only time to be in Condition White is at home with your loved ones.

In public, White can easily get you hurt or killed.

Ox Drover

I am part of a living history group (pre-1840 American History) and we frequently display firearms use for the public, and almost all of the men in the group are hunters and/or fire arms enthusiasts (not obscessed) and most well trained and knowledgable in the use and safety issues concerning weapons.

We do have one N in our group who qualifies as in my opinion an N and he is a “gun nut” as well. At one of our events he actually pointed a blunderbuss (old time precursor to a shot gun) at me as a “joke” which I took very poorly and did NOT laugh. In fact, I prosecuted him for this little joke by calling the police and filing assault charges against him, and terroristic threatening charges.

His excuse was “it was only in fun, it wasn’t loaded and I only pointed it at your butt”—but that kind of behavior can NOT be tolerated.

Yes, there is always “one in every crowd” and our group has this one, but he is much more circumspect now about his fire arm behavior. And I frankly told him that if he ever points a gun at me again he should expect that the one I point back at him WILL BE LOADED, I WILL intend harm, and I will NOT point it at his butt, and that he may expect that I will pull the trigger if necessary.

My children, both my P-son and my non-P son were trained in fire arms use from age 6, and prior to that they were trained that guns are not toys. They never owned “toy” guns and were not allowed to play with “toy” guns at other kids’ houses, because I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that pointing a gun at anyone is PLAY.

My P-son killed a girl with a gun, but he would still have killed her if he had had no gun. He would have used a rock, or his bare hands, as he was intent on murder. Frankly she probably suffered less because he killed her by shooting her in the head and she at least died swiftly.

I have read recently that the violent crime rate has risen in Australia since they have outlawed guns in the hands of citizens. In Switzzerland there is almost NO gun crime and every healthy male between 21 and 60 has a machine gun in his home, issued by the government and are trained to use it.

As long as our culture permits psychopaths to get away with any crimes of violence with or without guns and not pay a significant price (3 strikes you are out) crime of all kinds of violence will proliferate. Statistics show that psychopaths commit a large portion of the violent crimes and that incarceration has no positive effects on them. or their behavior.

The “politically correct” notion that ALL people can be rehabilitated is in my opinon CRAP. There are people who cannot be re-habilitated because they have never been “habilitated” in the first place! They have no moral focus or values except to get what they want when they want it regardless of the consequences to others.

I hope I never have to use my gun by pulling the trigger to protect myself from another human being, but I have no doubt that just showing it and showing a willingness to use it has already saved my life twice, and probably the third time as well. I’m a woman, and an or superior to the biggest and meanest guy in the world. A rock or all the kung fu training in the world isn’t going to protect me if “push comes to shove.”

I remember that

“When SECOUNDS count, remember, the police are only MINUTES AWAY.”

And out where I live, “minutes” may be as many as 45.

During the past year I was targeted by a P sent by my P-son (who is in prison for murder) to kill me.I firmly believe that one of the reasons that he was unsuccessful is that he knows that it is seldom that I do not have immediate access to a fire arm. When I began to suspect what his purpose was, I began to carry a gun openly at all times, as did my son D, and I think he decided it might not be quite as easy as he had thought.

Since his arrest though, I NEVER let myself be caught without immediate access to a fire arm, whether I am at home or away from home. Since he was caught with possession of a pistol and he is a CONVICTED FELON, he will be sent back to prison for possessing a fire arm, which he tried to use to shoot my son C, whose wife he was having an affair with, and with her full knowledge—she had bought him the gun, and she is in jail as well for knowingly furnishing a gun to a felon.

Not all psychopaths are violent with or without guns, not all people with guns are violent, and owning guns doesn’t lead to violence anymore than owning a knife makes you stab people.

I use a gun as a tool, and as a defensive tool. Most of my neighbors do as well. Where I live there are very few household “break ins” though, because most people here DO have guns and anyone contemplating a break in would know that. Where I lived in Florida and most people did NOT have guns, “home invasion” robberies where the people were tied up and held hostage was very COMMON.

People who want to kill or harm someone WANT a person who is not able to defend themselves. I think we will all agree that Scott Petersen is mmost likely a psychopoath (the guy in California that killed his wife Lacy). I’m not sure how he killed her, but it wasn’t apparently with a gun. But he wanted her and her unborn child dead and out of his “way” so he killed her. Nichole Simpson and her friend were killed by a psychopath with a knife (not to start an argument over who I think killed her) but if she had been armed it might have been a different story, and she might be alive today.

Yes, some psychopaths do have guns and do use them for crimes and violence, but if we are not going to be their victims, we need to protect ourselves at least as well as they arm themselves.

nightmare

hi all,,,, just a comment about drew peterson. i was watching the news coverage and his interview. it really creeped me out. my ex sociopath was also a cop. when he would come over his gun would be by the bed. i made him hide it since i had a child. ….. not knowing he was a sociopath at the time…… but watching drew peterson is like watching my ex. he even looks like him acts like him… all his friends thought he was great and funny life of the party… he ended up getting fired after 24 years on the job for testing positive for cocaine ( hense the substance abuse of sociopaths)which i had no idea. even though he was fired he did receive a pension from the state and is suing the city for his back sick pay. which city refused to pay him ( hense sence of entitlement)…. i thank God he is out of my life without any pysical damage. only great mental damage. i wish i knew what a sociopath was when i met him…….so its important to spread the word……… maybe it should even be taught in high schools as a course in ” who not to date” make women (and men)aware before it happens to them…..

greenfern

Hello Everyone, I just registered on this site…I would like to say that after seeing others having such similar experiences with sociopaths, I finally feel like I am being somewhat validated. It’s been 5 years after splitting with the sociopath, and things are starting to become more clearer and crystalized.
Last week I had this very vivid dream of the sociopath killing me, I woke up feeling very disturbed. I often feel like that in real life, if I stayed with him for another year, I would have been dead. He has never hit me, but he was more in control and smarter than that. But I think if he reached a certain point he would of probably killed me and staged it as an accident or suicide.
He IS obsessed with guns, he collected toy guns and painted them to look like real guns. He was also obsessed with violent games and also serial killers. He even said that it just matter of coincidence that he did not become one, he felt much in common with serial killer. He carried catcher in the rye in his pocket and one year for Christmas he gave everyone a copy of it.
His game startegy is to wear the mask of a decent, hardworking, cerative, friendly, loyal, feminist and helpful person, reel people, put them on a pedestal in the beginning while he can get something (admiration, complete agreement) then he discards them once they are not use to him. He has no inner core, he need to suck it out of others to sustain himself. His facial expressions, his emotional resposes were always kinds weird and off, it seemed like he learned from others, but not something that would come natuarlly. It’s like a martian who has taken up human form and is trying to emulate humans.
He is cherished as an outstanding and hard working professor in a community college, yet he chooses these places as his dating pool and he preys on women whom he perceives to be “beneath him”. It’s like nobody really knows what he is really like up close, behind closed doors. Him and his obsessions and fetishes, him growing pot and drinking, stealing drugs from the corner dealers and bringing it into the house, him collecting his own urine in soda bottles, his cruelty and feelings of entitlement, his constant back handed compliments and criticism and constant surveilance (he goes through trashcan to spy on you). Anyways, the list is long.

Elizabeth Conley

I got a beautiful 1861 Springfield muzzle loader for my 25th wedding anniversary. It’s what I wanted. I enjoy using vintage weapons. If I’d gotten a totally useless diamond, I woulda been miffed!

My son does archery. Our daughter is learning to operate our heirloom WWI trench gun.

I don’t think I have any adult friends or family members who can’t operate a firearm.

greenfern

Drew Peterson….

I just keep thinking about how he made that public announcement “Stacey, KOMMMMEE HoMMMMEEE.” in his throaty-gravely voice.

He is already engaged.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

…………………

ErinBrock

I love this title!!!!

super chic

In my case the quote should be “Nothing Says F-Off Like A Glock!!!
since I can’t seem to get my mouth to say the words 😮

super chic

oh, i think i found a new face 😮

What the hell is a Glock? There used to be a toy in the 70s called a Gonk. It was a large stuffed round cushion shaped toy, a bit likea Mr Blobby.But a Glock? is it related to Mr Spock? Love, Gem.XX

No-one, but NO_ONE says “F-Off! “with as much feeling and style as Billy Connelly. A very funny man, who has had a lot of tragedy in his childhood.I recently read his Biography by his wife, who is a sex therapist, Dr. Pamela Stephenson-Connolly.Actually theres two,books, “Bravemouth ,and “Billy”.
Very well written . Love, Gem.XX
By the way, no, I dont think you CAN warn people off Socio and Psychopaths. Theyare so good at it, remember, they even fool experienced Psychiatrists, and pass lie detector tests, because they BELIEVE THEIR OWN LIES!! No-one “gets it” unless they have “been there” and experienced these half humans first hand. No-one, but no-one would believe us.
Theyd look at us as if WE are the crazy ones.!! Its like trying to explain a burn to a toddler to stop him putting his hand on a hotplate. As soon as you tell him he MUSNT do it, of course, he wants to do it, and of course, he WILL get burned! THEN he will know what a burn feels like. But no-one but spath parent would do this to a toddler to “teach” him a lesson.Gem.XX

one/joy_step_at_a_time

gem – i LOVE billy connelly. did you see him in mrs.brown with judi dench. wowza.

Check out Lewis Black; he can give Billy a run for his money in his use of the fornication expletive.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

EB – thought you’d like that title. 🙂

Ox Drover

Dear Gem,

Well maybe that makes ME an S-Path parent. When myy two toddlers were still getting into everything including the ADHD one and back in those days we IRONED EVERYTHING neither of them knew what HOT meant and as for DON’T TOUCH you might as well have been talking to the wind! Even while I was THERE trying to iron, they were there trying to touch the iron, so I turned it down VERY LOW, so it would be VERY uncomfortable to touch But not INJURE THEM, and I touched it myself with MY fingers to make sure of that and then I LET THEM TOUCH IT (actually they thought they were SNEAKING a touch) and as they touched it and drew back in tears I said HOT! After that when I would say HOT they would NOT touch anything, so I told them all kinds of things were HOT to keep them from touching them. It worked too! LOL

I also started when the oldest was about 2 1/2 when they loved to stand in a chair by momma and “wash dishes” in the water of the sink, I would tell them “If you act ugly you can’t wash dishes tonight” and would withhold dishwashing as a priviledge that came only with good behavior! Heck by the time they were 10-11 they had been doing dishes for years!!! They thought it was a priviledge!!!!! Yea, maybe I am a sociopath! LOL

Yea Billy is wonderful! My son D and I love him and have some DVDS of some of his stuff. Hey, that’s every man’s dream isn’t it to have a wife who is a sex therapist? Does her father own a liquor store too?

sotired

I never realized until now, or I think I realize that an ex S could have actually wanted me to commit suicide.
He emotionally abused me with the words, “just kill yourself” and variations.
He was obsessed with guns. Ex military. Owned over 60 guns.
This ex(S) is one of several S’s I’ve let into my life.
No more.
I read on another link about afraid to go into the world.
That’s how I feel.
Afraid here on LF sometimes of trolls but overall LF is a tremendous support.

Ox Drover

Dear sotired,

Don’t worry about the trolls, if they show up, or if you think anyone is a troll, or even is inappropriate, hit the REPORT ABUSIVE COMMENT button and let Donna know, then DO NOT RESPOND TO THEM AT ALL, Donna will handle it, I promise you.

Yes, I think they try sometimes to get us to kill ourselves, or plot murders that look like suicide if they can’t get us to pull the trigger ourselves.

Sure, it does make you TIRED, and SCARED to go back out into the world because you have lost trust in YOURSELF to recognize Ps and keep you safe. It is OK to stay “holed up” in safety (even if it is in a “cave” for a while) and I did that, and many of us have, but eventually we have learned that WE CAN learn to TRUST oourselves to keep us as safe as anyone can be. Life itself is a risk, but living is a cave isn’t much fun itself, even though it is “safe”—so there is some risk in life if you LIVE it, but that’s okay as we are learning to make good choices and to keep ourself protected at the first sign of a troll.

Keep reading and learning, there is great stuff here, and BTW, KNOWLEDGE=POWER and you can take that power back! ((((hugs)))))

lesson learned

I have been reading several posts on this site…this was such an important one I felt I needed to comment on. I haven’t shared my story one hundred percent yet, but I trust NO Spath with a gun.

Not too long ago, ex spath, after sex, pulled out a handgun out of the dresser drawer and laid it on the bed. This after I had found a picture of his ex wife in the drawer above. “I keep this around ya know”…(he had it slightly aimed at me, not one hundred percent but in a way that was enough to get the message I felt he wanted delivered to me) but I keep it around to protect my girlfriend and my family (he has custody of his children part time), It completely creeped me out. I felt IMMEDIATELY unsafe and couldn’t WAIT to get the hell out of there. No, unfortunately, even after that incident, I wasn’t done with him….yet….but that didn’t feel like normal behavior at all for a normal person!!.

Ox Drover

Dear Lesson learned,

GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN IMMEDIATELY and do not continue to associate with him …this was a THREAT!

NORMAL PEOPLE, with or without guns, DO NOT ACT LIKE THIS.

Welcome to this site. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!

lesson learned

Oxy.

Thank you so much for commenting to my post. Truthfully, the moment scared the hell out of me and was spontaneous, I couldn’t believe it. I knew he owned guns, knew he knew how to shoot ( I do too, having practiced for fun before on shooting ranges), but NEVER in the ten years I’d been with him, had he NEVER pulled a gun out in my presence like that. I FELT completely vulnerable and it was the FIRST time I ever allowed a thought to cross my mind that he might even “accidentally” kill me! The gun was NOT directly aimed at me, just laid out on the bed toward me, and I questioned my fear and my gutt! This man is soooooo smooth to the outside world. You’d NEVER suspect that he’d had a gun or would use it, until you heard him talk about how he had one, knew how to use it and wouldn’t be afraid to if an intruder were to break into his home. He was married before and never physically hurt her, although he was extraordinarily abusive to her emotionally. Why in God’s name would someone want to do that or THINK about doing that to someone? It truly frightened me. And Ox? I”m away from him now…I want to share my story….but I’m not sure where to share on the site.. I’ve been reading A LOT of articles on this site and it’s by far the most informative and helpful. I appreciate that the articles written are by professionals in psychology and specifically with narcissistic/sociopathic personalities. I’m ready to renew the healing process…..again. This will be the UMPTEENTH time I’ve walked away from this person…and it wasn’t until I saw this site, and started reading alot of the articles here, that things began to really click….as well as, unfortunatley, going back and back and back again….

Ox Drover

Dear Lesson Learned,

Where you share your story is up to you and Donna. You can write it up and e mail it to her or you can post it on any thread, there’s no formal way to do it here. Some people who write are professionals and some are not….so Donna is not particular how it is posted and she is a great gal so contact her personally and discuss it with her.

Sharing our stories here is IMPORTANT, important for us and for others too. It validates us but it also gives others reason to see that they are NOT ALONE.

Coming here and knowing I was NOT alone. Was not stupid, etc. helped me to get on the track of healing.

I’m glad you are here. Healing is a journey, not a destination. We never “get to the end” of it but continue to grow and learn.

I’m glad you found this place and I am SO GLAD you are away from this man. Listen to your gut! It is pretty smart! God bless.

lesson learned

Ox,

How do I write an email to Donna? I don’t mean to sound like an idiot, but I’m unfamiliar with this site and would like to share my experience with her privately. You had mentioned contacting her, but I don’t know what or which (if there are a few email addressed for her) email to use? I would very much appreciate knowing so I can begin to share my story and work on my healing. Thank you so much!

Ox Drover

Dear lesson learned,

Her direct e mail is [email protected]

I suggest that you send it to her privately if that would make you feel more comfortable.

Also, on the left side of the screen of this blog under the picture of the LOVE FRAUD BOOK with the heart-shaped bulls eye, is a list of CATEGORIES with different types or authors of articles and numbers after the category —click on those and it will bring up another list of various articles for you to read either by subject or author.

The more you know about what is going on, how they work and think, the quicker you will realize how to spot them in the future and also looking back. Healing isn’t a quick fix, it is a long haul, but it is worth it! (((hugs)))

burglar alarms systems

I believe that the reason why a lot of people keep guns is because they use it for self-defense and a s a security measure. Due to the increase i crime rate in these wearing economic times, people are even more compelled to buy security devices and self-defense tools that can protect them from criminals. However, if you plan to keep guns in the house, it would be a better idea to simply install reliable burglar alarms systems in your residence.

lesson learned

Burglar

Have you been involved with a spath?

I’m guessing not.

LL

CAmom

Lesson—LOL.

Denise Guiney

Mentioning military training. talking about secret hidden guns and sniper training, all part of the threats and intimidation. Keeping and collecting weapons and obsession with violent movies and games. Trouble is such obsessions are often keep secret until you are sucked in and maybe pregnant.

akitameg

WOW!!!!

When my s– years ago– discarded me (had an engagement ring and all)– he said- as he tied me up and had sex with me against my will-

“I want to kill you, but I keep my hands clean– you will end up killing yourself. I set the trap– and you fell for it.”

this was from a well known– very well known– wallstreet man.

It was then that i realized– In the 18 months I had been with him–I had developed anorexia (he was sure to tell me how fat I was all the time)–
He was right and he had reached into my buttons of low self esteem, depression ( met him in a twelve step group! Turns out– he was not even an alcoholic!)– and helped develop one hell of an eating disorder/distorted body image.
This article hits home.

skylar

Akita,
that is a sick mofo.
All I can say is that you have a duty to stay well, happy and healthy just to piss him off. We all do.
That is what we can gain from the psychopath: they show us our weaknesses and instead of letting the weaknesses destroy us, we use the information to build better defenses.
We HAVE TO WIN. Not just for our own sakes but for the sake of the human race.

akitameg

Skylar–
I LOVE IT.

Let’s see– the one I met Dec 17th– what did he teach me?

TO GO WITH MY INITIAL GUT INSTINCTS!!

To not get in any further– if my first instinct is “no”–
DO NOT LISTEN TO A WORD THEY SAY IF YOUR VERY FIRST INSTINCT SAYS–” RUN”– AND DEAR GOD IT DID!

once they get you hooked– you stop hearing you gut instinct voices.

I knew something was off about him within the first 3 hours of meeting
My gut instinct was drowned out by his lies and fantasies, stories and humor.
Why oh why did I not just stick with that– my inner voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did I agree to go to din with him a week later when I was sooo not interested in him–but was bored and he kept inviting me to dinner. He kept texting and calling and one night I had nothing to do and was sad and just said– what the heck– it will be company for din. I did not even kiss him cuz I still was not interested.

I AM SOOO ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR THIS. HATE MYSELF? I hate to say that- b/c it is so intense.

I never, ever drink. Just do not like alcohol. The one night I drank- it was our xmas party at work. That is when I met him– when some of us went out afterwards. Oh– I just hate myself. I never go to bars and can’t remember the last time I went to one. And I’m 41.
I never, ever drink. A coworker ordered these cute little green, minty shots-
since I am not a drinker- I did not know like– what effect one would have on me. I had three! They tasted like those shamrock milshakes from McDonald’s.

This is my fault!!
Then again– my coworkers were drunk off their butts– and they did not get targeted or approached by anyone. WHAT THE????

how do we not hate ourselves after this?

I put myself in the line of fire.
If someone hurt my kitty cat I would kill them. I would do anything to protect her.

he invited me to xmas din with his fam that week- and that was when I felt that he must be safe.
I am just sick over this.
I have not slept all night.

It is my fault.

Then again– if he had said, “Im not looking to date– just to get into your pants and vanish”– I would have bailed.
But instead I got major love bombs– “text me when you get home safe”, “my fam adored you”, You’re like everything I’ve been waiting for, even your body type”– “You’d be a great mom”– he had seen me with my senor residents.
OMG

he misrepresented himself and his intentions. Unless he believes his own lies.

I DID NOT MISREPRESENT MYSELF. I was honest and genuine.

I am sooo scared. I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown even though there is really no such thing.

Major state of prolonged anxiety. Panic attacks.

I am safe. I have all I need in the moment.
I will be okay. I will not always feel this way.
I have learned from this experience.
Thank God I found out after three weeks and not three months or years or more.

To experience someone going from so hot to so cold for you–
is true torture. Even feels evil. It’s not healthy or normal– so something was NOT right.

I ask God– the Holy Spirit/Our Creative Energy /source/Christ/Love–
to enter my situation now.

lesson learned

Akita,

This isn’t your fault. Keep seeing it as what you just said above. Thank GOD you got OUT when you did. Your radar just needs some adjusting, and you need to do a little more work, but that’s ALL.

About the drinking. Don’t beat yourself up over that. I can count on one hand how many times i drank prior to spathy. He was the “wine conneseur (sp) and lured me with it. He wanted a drink/fuck buddy. He wanted to take me down with him. I got scared after TEN YEARS of this and sobered and bailed!!! They use all kinds of nifty little bags of tricks to get you sucked in.

All the things he was saying to you, were things he KNEW you wanted to hear. And if you think about it, YOU bailed out, he would have kept right on going if you’d allowed him to and this would have dragged out for years, or until you were dead first and he wouldn’t have given a damn.

You cared ENOUGH about yourself to get out, Akita. Don’t beat yourself up, pat yourself on the back for RECOGNIZING what it was, enough even to come here and post about it, KNOWING what we would all say about it. There is apart of you that is fighting for you, GO WITH THAT PART INSTEAD OF HIM!!!

LL

akitameg

Love you guys. Thankyou LL

just woke up. Fell asleep at 7 am. Called in to work. I’ll go in tomorrow. i d ont have a superbowl date anymore anyway.

Just forced down a bowl of cereal.
I have this free floating anxiety– with a twisted stomach.
Nervous and scared.

I am living thru abandonment. I am experiencing raw abandonment. WE were going to do Superbowl and VDay. He loved me in my Bear’s jersey– saying I looked prettier- in jeans and my Bears jersey and with less makeup– than when I was all dolled up. Now he’s gone.

tomorrow night I will be at my senior center (my job) handing out pizza and beer.

LL–
thank you again.

lesson learned

Akita,

You’re welcome. YOu can get through it. I’d rather be dateless than with a spath sweetie.

Oh and see? You do love yourself enough. You struggled down a bowl of cereal GOOD GIRL, that’s taking care of YOU!

Love you. XXOO Big hugs!!!

LL

Ox Drover

Dear Meg,

Darling, You are right that you should have listened to your gut! That is the truth and then some. BUT, you didn’t listen to your gut. I DIDN’T LISTEN TO MY GUT EITHER with the BF until I was WELL HOOKED and kicking him out (when I did start to see and listen) was SO PAINFUL.

What I had to face I think was the WHY I didn’t listen to my gut. I realized (even then but denied it) that I was so needy, so afraid of “being alone” of “never having someone love me” etc. etc after my husband was killed in an accident that I was AFRAID of listening to the truth of my gut about the guy I started dating.

The trauma you experienced in your first D & D years ago (the tying up, the death threats, the rape etc) that you mentioned above in one of your posts is a pretty TRAUMATIC event. It makes me wonder if you have completely dealt with that past traumatic event. I know that I had NOT dealt with a bunch of past traumatic events which made me more vulnerable I think to the “then current” psychopathic manipulations from various sources within my intimate circle, and when they tried the ultimate D&D of offing me, it brought back not only the trauma that THEY did to me, but the PAST TRAUMA I hadn’t dealt with either…so I ended up having to go back and peel back the various LAYERS of trauma and deal with each one til I got to, essentially I think, the bottom of the pile. People here often talk about “peeling the onion” and I think that is a good way of looking at it.

I know that each of us is individual and different, but sometimes the INTENSITY of a reaction to a “loss” (when we lose what we had thought was going to be great thing , even though it was not even real, it is still a “real loss.” and therefore painful)

Anyway, when we lose something our pain for that loss is TOTAL. A baby who drops his passy cries and cries and is TOTALLY DEVASTATED because he lost his passy. Well, WE know he isn’t gonna die from that, and we know it is “no big deal” but to HIM HE HAS LOST EVERYTHING IMPORTANT IN HIS LIFE AT THAT MOMENT. WE know he will “get over it” and move on to other things and Forget about dropping the passy, but HE doesn’t know that then…he just feels pain of the loss and cries his little heart out.

Part of the problem is that he has not learned to deal with “loss” in proportion to the REALITY of it. So as he matures and learns to deal with loss he will realize when he drops something that is of non life threatening consequences, maybe fairly easily replaced etc., he will learn to accept that when he drops the adult versions of his “passy” he won’t fall apart.

Looking at your situation and your loss “logically” (from my point of view since I didn’t “lose anything” I can do this and right now, you are less able to do this since you did, but this is just a “learning exercise.” OK?)

from MY point of view, you dated a guy for a couple of weeks, and he had “chased” you pretty hot and heavy and even took you home to his folks for Xmas dinner, you got in bed with him and then he “vanishes.” Pretty much without a word. Then a couple of weeks later he pops back up as if nothing happened and wants to text or whatever, but contact again. NO big deal.

FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW:

The guy chases you hot and heavy, takes you to see his folks for Xmas which makes you think, “Wow, this guy must think I am something special to take me home to his folks for Xmas, therefore I MUST BE SPECIAL. We will have a wonderful life together with me feeling special and loved.” So your EXPECTATIONS of the relationship were very HIGH very quickly.

Then he disappears and you think–“I wonder if I was wrong and I am NOT SPECIAL, he took me home to his folks for Christmas so he MUST have thought I was special, but now he sees how worthless I am and I am going to be by myself for the rest of my life and no one will want me ever and I am so alone and lonely and…….”blah blah blah

Meg, your SPECIALNESS does NOT depend on someone else’s assessment of it or of their treatment of you. (you KNOW that logically, but I’m not sure you FEEL it)

The way I would deal with this NOW (not back when I was in your shoes) is that I would say, “Wow, this guy is some kind of jerk, he was just after me for sex, then played one of his other girlfriends for a while, and apparently is (when he text back) wanting to keep me as one of his regular harem. Nah, I’m not going to mess around with a jerk like that. He violates the FIRST rule. He is DISHONEST and I don’t need a dishonest person in my life. His loss.”

So, somewhere along the line, you are going to be able to work your way between how you feel NOW and how I would react to this same jerk in a much less emotional way, and a more logical way.

Sit down and make a list of how you SEE it, versus how you FEEL it.

What did his sweet talking behavior make you FEEL?

What is the REALITY of his behavior?

The difference between the FEELINGS and the REALITY is your REACTION FACTOR.

The reality is that this guy was just a player who set out to and succeeded in making you feel (note: FEEL) that he was more invested in you than just a piece of arse. When his REAL intentions became apparent, you had invested your caring into something that was just a PRETENSE on his part to get what he wanted (a “conquest”? notch on the bed post? Ego boost from a pretty woman?) etc.

But Meg, you are worth much MUCH MORE than he is, because he will be forever searching for something he will never find—peace and contentment. You are searching and WILL FIND PEACE AND CONTENTMENT.

(((((Hugs))) and my prayers for your peace, Meggie!

lesson learned

Akita,

Oxy just brought something up that is very important that I’ve been dealing with the last few days but have not shared here. I felt she opened a door, and this might help you, so I’ll share….

I fell head over heels at 15, with this guy. OMG! GORGEOUS!!! We went to high school together. He was TALL, beautiful blonde hair and absolutely undeniably gorgeous sea blue eyes. I fell HARD!!! He had this sexy, deep baritone voice. He was my first sexual experience. And boy was he beautiful to look at! BUT, he was also extremely abusive to me. EXTREMELY! WORSE than my father, if not just as bad. This was on/off for a long time. At sixteen, I got pregnant. I had an abortion. It was so painful, I suppressed that memory for ages after it happened. It was a horribly traumatic experience. I was frightened and had no support. He took me, dropped me off and left me there. I took the bus home. Even sharing this now, is utterly painful in a distant sort of way…..I chased him, Let him come to my house when my parents were gone on vacation. He stayed the night with me. He did the MOST horrible, outrageously painful things to me. At eighteen, his father died suddenly of a heart attack. He was the youngest of four children and he was born to his parents later on in life, very spoiled by all of his sisters. The only son. he took it VERY hard. He also had an extremely abusive grandmother who lived with his family. She’s dead, but now his mother is the same and quite old. Excuse me here, my thoughts are all over the place. After his father died, he started dating a girl from high school. He was “smitten” with her. He eventually dumped me, however, he still would see me from time to time. My memories of this are very sketchy, as well as time lines, but it was traumatic. All of it. At eighteen I met my exP. I was rebounding from my traumatic experience with first bf. I got pregnant again, but with ex P’s child, my eldest daughter. We got married. But I didn’t stop seeing exbf whenever he wanted to see me, never forgot him, was ruminating in my head and I was an absolute mess about and over him. One night, he came over when my exP and I were separated (one of many times), we had pizza, chatted a bit and then he wanted sex. It started out as consensual…..but then turned to rape. I begged him to stop. He did not. I can’t tell you how incredibly painful that experience was for me. How degraded I felt. I remember, even after that experience, he laid there with me for awhile and when I went to try to cuddle with him, he told me to take my hands OFF of him. As if I was disgusting to him. The pain of that experience is so deep and so well entrenched………it hurt physically, emotionally and spiritually….I remember MUCH dissociation going on within after it happened. A few years ago, in therapy, my therapist asked me what the single most painful experience and time in my life was. It always went back to him. To the entire relationship. To the rape. To the many discards and degrading things he said. To the child that I wanted so much to have (I was four months pregnant and I knew the sex of the child-a boy), but aborted. My son would have been thirty one years old today.

This single experience, I believe, I never recovered from and is something that I believe set me up to be abused more. During sex with my exP and with exPOS, the actual act of intercourse, was something I wanted AGGRESSIVELY….it had to hurt physically, and ONLY in that way for it to “feel” good. I was replaying my rape over and over again……replaying the relationship over and over again, especially in my relationship with exPOS. I felt the same kind of sick attachment and love that I felt for the first bf. THE EXACT same!! I guess the more painful the experience, perhaps like first bf, the better it was going to be in trying to resolve that earlier pain.

Ironically, first exbf has been in contact with me. I’ve seen him a few times. No sex or anything, but it was interesting how things played out in his life after we parted ways. I don’t think I want to go into that now, but he apologized to me for causing the pain he did. I see something only slighty different than what he was, the abusive markers, I feel, are still there. He wants a friendship with me, but I am more than hesitant. He is no longer attractive, and is also very physically ill. He has a son, who is just a wonderful young man, with many talents and musical gifts. Divorced twice, with wife two being caught in bed with another man, he moved in with his mother, has not held a job in five years and is now taking care of her and his son.

And that’s what happens when you do others wrong.

It’s still not enough for me. The point I’m trying to make, that I think Ox outlined so well for you, is that a lot of what you’re experiencing with this man is remnants of past abuse. And if you were raped in that way, it could well be there are connections to that as well. In fact, I’d almost bet on it, Akita.

It magnifies whatever rejections and abandonments and sexual connection you thought were there.

I also wanted to share that these abusers do NOT find peace and contentment. I don’t think first bf was a socio, but I def think he was an absolute extreme abuser. He was not lacking in empathy, as ironic as that may seem, nor genuine remorse, he was just an asshole. But one who held my heart…and set my feet on a path of destructive relationshits to come.

LL

Send this to a friend