I was going about the morning as usual, working on my next book, with CNN on in the background, when I heard what has to be the sociopathic quote of the year, “Nothing says I love you like a Glock.” I have not shared much about my own experience with a sociopath, but one of the things I am most ashamed of is that I did not react more strongly to my former husband’s preoccupation with guns. He did not personally own any gun, but he talked about them a great deal, and he was very persistent about the idea that I should learn how to shoot. He also wanted me to own a hand gun. I did take the NRA gun safety course and I learned how to shoot. I have to say, target practice was fun and I was good at it. I had and still have, an aversion to guns, and so never applied for permission to own one of my own. I felt like a fuddy-dud though, after all our Constitution does give us the right to arm bears, or is it bare arms? I don’t know…
What I do know is that the presence of a hand gun in the home is statistically associated with completed suicide. Access to weapons means a greater likelihood of using them on one’s self or others on impulse. A good thing did come from my training in fire arms, that was I became a more comfortable asking my patients if they owned weapons. All psychiatric/psychological evaluations should include this question.
The sociopathic quote of the year belongs to Drew Peterson, a man who the entire country believes may be responsible for the disappearance of his wife. To read the story visit The Chicago Tribune Website.
Although many people who own guns and use guns are not sociopaths, nearly all sociopaths are in love with guns. This is not discussed at all in the scientific literature but, in my conversations with other victims, they have verified the obsession. Sociopaths are in love with guns because they are the ultimate symbol of power and sociopaths are preoccupied with power. Sociopaths enjoy not only real guns, they also enjoy toy guns and violent videogames. Many studies have shown that sociopaths enjoy violent entertainment more that the average person.
If someone you suspect is a sociopath, wants you to have a gun, please get away from that person immediately. I strongly believe that many sociopaths who do not kill their partners, get their partners to kill themselves. Obviously, a person can also be murdered in such a way that it looks like a suicide. Please notice that Mr. Peterson bought his wife a gun as a Valentine’s day present. How telling is that? How sick is that?
Lesson—LOL.
Mentioning military training. talking about secret hidden guns and sniper training, all part of the threats and intimidation. Keeping and collecting weapons and obsession with violent movies and games. Trouble is such obsessions are often keep secret until you are sucked in and maybe pregnant.
WOW!!!!
When my s– years ago– discarded me (had an engagement ring and all)– he said- as he tied me up and had sex with me against my will-
“I want to kill you, but I keep my hands clean– you will end up killing yourself. I set the trap– and you fell for it.”
this was from a well known– very well known– wallstreet man.
It was then that i realized– In the 18 months I had been with him–I had developed anorexia (he was sure to tell me how fat I was all the time)–
He was right and he had reached into my buttons of low self esteem, depression ( met him in a twelve step group! Turns out– he was not even an alcoholic!)– and helped develop one hell of an eating disorder/distorted body image.
This article hits home.
Akita,
that is a sick mofo.
All I can say is that you have a duty to stay well, happy and healthy just to piss him off. We all do.
That is what we can gain from the psychopath: they show us our weaknesses and instead of letting the weaknesses destroy us, we use the information to build better defenses.
We HAVE TO WIN. Not just for our own sakes but for the sake of the human race.
Skylar–
I LOVE IT.
Let’s see– the one I met Dec 17th– what did he teach me?
TO GO WITH MY INITIAL GUT INSTINCTS!!
To not get in any further– if my first instinct is “no”–
DO NOT LISTEN TO A WORD THEY SAY IF YOUR VERY FIRST INSTINCT SAYS–” RUN”– AND DEAR GOD IT DID!
once they get you hooked– you stop hearing you gut instinct voices.
I knew something was off about him within the first 3 hours of meeting
My gut instinct was drowned out by his lies and fantasies, stories and humor.
Why oh why did I not just stick with that– my inner voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did I agree to go to din with him a week later when I was sooo not interested in him–but was bored and he kept inviting me to dinner. He kept texting and calling and one night I had nothing to do and was sad and just said– what the heck– it will be company for din. I did not even kiss him cuz I still was not interested.
I AM SOOO ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR THIS. HATE MYSELF? I hate to say that- b/c it is so intense.
I never, ever drink. Just do not like alcohol. The one night I drank- it was our xmas party at work. That is when I met him– when some of us went out afterwards. Oh– I just hate myself. I never go to bars and can’t remember the last time I went to one. And I’m 41.
I never, ever drink. A coworker ordered these cute little green, minty shots-
since I am not a drinker- I did not know like– what effect one would have on me. I had three! They tasted like those shamrock milshakes from McDonald’s.
This is my fault!!
Then again– my coworkers were drunk off their butts– and they did not get targeted or approached by anyone. WHAT THE????
how do we not hate ourselves after this?
I put myself in the line of fire.
If someone hurt my kitty cat I would kill them. I would do anything to protect her.
he invited me to xmas din with his fam that week- and that was when I felt that he must be safe.
I am just sick over this.
I have not slept all night.
It is my fault.
Then again– if he had said, “Im not looking to date– just to get into your pants and vanish”– I would have bailed.
But instead I got major love bombs– “text me when you get home safe”, “my fam adored you”, You’re like everything I’ve been waiting for, even your body type”– “You’d be a great mom”– he had seen me with my senor residents.
OMG
he misrepresented himself and his intentions. Unless he believes his own lies.
I DID NOT MISREPRESENT MYSELF. I was honest and genuine.
I am sooo scared. I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown even though there is really no such thing.
Major state of prolonged anxiety. Panic attacks.
I am safe. I have all I need in the moment.
I will be okay. I will not always feel this way.
I have learned from this experience.
Thank God I found out after three weeks and not three months or years or more.
To experience someone going from so hot to so cold for you–
is true torture. Even feels evil. It’s not healthy or normal– so something was NOT right.
I ask God– the Holy Spirit/Our Creative Energy /source/Christ/Love–
to enter my situation now.
Akita,
This isn’t your fault. Keep seeing it as what you just said above. Thank GOD you got OUT when you did. Your radar just needs some adjusting, and you need to do a little more work, but that’s ALL.
About the drinking. Don’t beat yourself up over that. I can count on one hand how many times i drank prior to spathy. He was the “wine conneseur (sp) and lured me with it. He wanted a drink/fuck buddy. He wanted to take me down with him. I got scared after TEN YEARS of this and sobered and bailed!!! They use all kinds of nifty little bags of tricks to get you sucked in.
All the things he was saying to you, were things he KNEW you wanted to hear. And if you think about it, YOU bailed out, he would have kept right on going if you’d allowed him to and this would have dragged out for years, or until you were dead first and he wouldn’t have given a damn.
You cared ENOUGH about yourself to get out, Akita. Don’t beat yourself up, pat yourself on the back for RECOGNIZING what it was, enough even to come here and post about it, KNOWING what we would all say about it. There is apart of you that is fighting for you, GO WITH THAT PART INSTEAD OF HIM!!!
LL
Love you guys. Thankyou LL
just woke up. Fell asleep at 7 am. Called in to work. I’ll go in tomorrow. i d ont have a superbowl date anymore anyway.
Just forced down a bowl of cereal.
I have this free floating anxiety– with a twisted stomach.
Nervous and scared.
I am living thru abandonment. I am experiencing raw abandonment. WE were going to do Superbowl and VDay. He loved me in my Bear’s jersey– saying I looked prettier- in jeans and my Bears jersey and with less makeup– than when I was all dolled up. Now he’s gone.
tomorrow night I will be at my senior center (my job) handing out pizza and beer.
LL–
thank you again.
Akita,
You’re welcome. YOu can get through it. I’d rather be dateless than with a spath sweetie.
Oh and see? You do love yourself enough. You struggled down a bowl of cereal GOOD GIRL, that’s taking care of YOU!
Love you. XXOO Big hugs!!!
LL
Dear Meg,
Darling, You are right that you should have listened to your gut! That is the truth and then some. BUT, you didn’t listen to your gut. I DIDN’T LISTEN TO MY GUT EITHER with the BF until I was WELL HOOKED and kicking him out (when I did start to see and listen) was SO PAINFUL.
What I had to face I think was the WHY I didn’t listen to my gut. I realized (even then but denied it) that I was so needy, so afraid of “being alone” of “never having someone love me” etc. etc after my husband was killed in an accident that I was AFRAID of listening to the truth of my gut about the guy I started dating.
The trauma you experienced in your first D & D years ago (the tying up, the death threats, the rape etc) that you mentioned above in one of your posts is a pretty TRAUMATIC event. It makes me wonder if you have completely dealt with that past traumatic event. I know that I had NOT dealt with a bunch of past traumatic events which made me more vulnerable I think to the “then current” psychopathic manipulations from various sources within my intimate circle, and when they tried the ultimate D&D of offing me, it brought back not only the trauma that THEY did to me, but the PAST TRAUMA I hadn’t dealt with either…so I ended up having to go back and peel back the various LAYERS of trauma and deal with each one til I got to, essentially I think, the bottom of the pile. People here often talk about “peeling the onion” and I think that is a good way of looking at it.
I know that each of us is individual and different, but sometimes the INTENSITY of a reaction to a “loss” (when we lose what we had thought was going to be great thing , even though it was not even real, it is still a “real loss.” and therefore painful)
Anyway, when we lose something our pain for that loss is TOTAL. A baby who drops his passy cries and cries and is TOTALLY DEVASTATED because he lost his passy. Well, WE know he isn’t gonna die from that, and we know it is “no big deal” but to HIM HE HAS LOST EVERYTHING IMPORTANT IN HIS LIFE AT THAT MOMENT. WE know he will “get over it” and move on to other things and Forget about dropping the passy, but HE doesn’t know that then…he just feels pain of the loss and cries his little heart out.
Part of the problem is that he has not learned to deal with “loss” in proportion to the REALITY of it. So as he matures and learns to deal with loss he will realize when he drops something that is of non life threatening consequences, maybe fairly easily replaced etc., he will learn to accept that when he drops the adult versions of his “passy” he won’t fall apart.
Looking at your situation and your loss “logically” (from my point of view since I didn’t “lose anything” I can do this and right now, you are less able to do this since you did, but this is just a “learning exercise.” OK?)
from MY point of view, you dated a guy for a couple of weeks, and he had “chased” you pretty hot and heavy and even took you home to his folks for Xmas dinner, you got in bed with him and then he “vanishes.” Pretty much without a word. Then a couple of weeks later he pops back up as if nothing happened and wants to text or whatever, but contact again. NO big deal.
FROM YOUR POINT OF VIEW:
The guy chases you hot and heavy, takes you to see his folks for Xmas which makes you think, “Wow, this guy must think I am something special to take me home to his folks for Xmas, therefore I MUST BE SPECIAL. We will have a wonderful life together with me feeling special and loved.” So your EXPECTATIONS of the relationship were very HIGH very quickly.
Then he disappears and you think–“I wonder if I was wrong and I am NOT SPECIAL, he took me home to his folks for Christmas so he MUST have thought I was special, but now he sees how worthless I am and I am going to be by myself for the rest of my life and no one will want me ever and I am so alone and lonely and…….”blah blah blah
Meg, your SPECIALNESS does NOT depend on someone else’s assessment of it or of their treatment of you. (you KNOW that logically, but I’m not sure you FEEL it)
The way I would deal with this NOW (not back when I was in your shoes) is that I would say, “Wow, this guy is some kind of jerk, he was just after me for sex, then played one of his other girlfriends for a while, and apparently is (when he text back) wanting to keep me as one of his regular harem. Nah, I’m not going to mess around with a jerk like that. He violates the FIRST rule. He is DISHONEST and I don’t need a dishonest person in my life. His loss.”
So, somewhere along the line, you are going to be able to work your way between how you feel NOW and how I would react to this same jerk in a much less emotional way, and a more logical way.
Sit down and make a list of how you SEE it, versus how you FEEL it.
What did his sweet talking behavior make you FEEL?
What is the REALITY of his behavior?
The difference between the FEELINGS and the REALITY is your REACTION FACTOR.
The reality is that this guy was just a player who set out to and succeeded in making you feel (note: FEEL) that he was more invested in you than just a piece of arse. When his REAL intentions became apparent, you had invested your caring into something that was just a PRETENSE on his part to get what he wanted (a “conquest”? notch on the bed post? Ego boost from a pretty woman?) etc.
But Meg, you are worth much MUCH MORE than he is, because he will be forever searching for something he will never find—peace and contentment. You are searching and WILL FIND PEACE AND CONTENTMENT.
(((((Hugs))) and my prayers for your peace, Meggie!
Akita,
Oxy just brought something up that is very important that I’ve been dealing with the last few days but have not shared here. I felt she opened a door, and this might help you, so I’ll share….
I fell head over heels at 15, with this guy. OMG! GORGEOUS!!! We went to high school together. He was TALL, beautiful blonde hair and absolutely undeniably gorgeous sea blue eyes. I fell HARD!!! He had this sexy, deep baritone voice. He was my first sexual experience. And boy was he beautiful to look at! BUT, he was also extremely abusive to me. EXTREMELY! WORSE than my father, if not just as bad. This was on/off for a long time. At sixteen, I got pregnant. I had an abortion. It was so painful, I suppressed that memory for ages after it happened. It was a horribly traumatic experience. I was frightened and had no support. He took me, dropped me off and left me there. I took the bus home. Even sharing this now, is utterly painful in a distant sort of way…..I chased him, Let him come to my house when my parents were gone on vacation. He stayed the night with me. He did the MOST horrible, outrageously painful things to me. At eighteen, his father died suddenly of a heart attack. He was the youngest of four children and he was born to his parents later on in life, very spoiled by all of his sisters. The only son. he took it VERY hard. He also had an extremely abusive grandmother who lived with his family. She’s dead, but now his mother is the same and quite old. Excuse me here, my thoughts are all over the place. After his father died, he started dating a girl from high school. He was “smitten” with her. He eventually dumped me, however, he still would see me from time to time. My memories of this are very sketchy, as well as time lines, but it was traumatic. All of it. At eighteen I met my exP. I was rebounding from my traumatic experience with first bf. I got pregnant again, but with ex P’s child, my eldest daughter. We got married. But I didn’t stop seeing exbf whenever he wanted to see me, never forgot him, was ruminating in my head and I was an absolute mess about and over him. One night, he came over when my exP and I were separated (one of many times), we had pizza, chatted a bit and then he wanted sex. It started out as consensual…..but then turned to rape. I begged him to stop. He did not. I can’t tell you how incredibly painful that experience was for me. How degraded I felt. I remember, even after that experience, he laid there with me for awhile and when I went to try to cuddle with him, he told me to take my hands OFF of him. As if I was disgusting to him. The pain of that experience is so deep and so well entrenched………it hurt physically, emotionally and spiritually….I remember MUCH dissociation going on within after it happened. A few years ago, in therapy, my therapist asked me what the single most painful experience and time in my life was. It always went back to him. To the entire relationship. To the rape. To the many discards and degrading things he said. To the child that I wanted so much to have (I was four months pregnant and I knew the sex of the child-a boy), but aborted. My son would have been thirty one years old today.
This single experience, I believe, I never recovered from and is something that I believe set me up to be abused more. During sex with my exP and with exPOS, the actual act of intercourse, was something I wanted AGGRESSIVELY….it had to hurt physically, and ONLY in that way for it to “feel” good. I was replaying my rape over and over again……replaying the relationship over and over again, especially in my relationship with exPOS. I felt the same kind of sick attachment and love that I felt for the first bf. THE EXACT same!! I guess the more painful the experience, perhaps like first bf, the better it was going to be in trying to resolve that earlier pain.
Ironically, first exbf has been in contact with me. I’ve seen him a few times. No sex or anything, but it was interesting how things played out in his life after we parted ways. I don’t think I want to go into that now, but he apologized to me for causing the pain he did. I see something only slighty different than what he was, the abusive markers, I feel, are still there. He wants a friendship with me, but I am more than hesitant. He is no longer attractive, and is also very physically ill. He has a son, who is just a wonderful young man, with many talents and musical gifts. Divorced twice, with wife two being caught in bed with another man, he moved in with his mother, has not held a job in five years and is now taking care of her and his son.
And that’s what happens when you do others wrong.
It’s still not enough for me. The point I’m trying to make, that I think Ox outlined so well for you, is that a lot of what you’re experiencing with this man is remnants of past abuse. And if you were raped in that way, it could well be there are connections to that as well. In fact, I’d almost bet on it, Akita.
It magnifies whatever rejections and abandonments and sexual connection you thought were there.
I also wanted to share that these abusers do NOT find peace and contentment. I don’t think first bf was a socio, but I def think he was an absolute extreme abuser. He was not lacking in empathy, as ironic as that may seem, nor genuine remorse, he was just an asshole. But one who held my heart…and set my feet on a path of destructive relationshits to come.
LL