I was going about the morning as usual, working on my next book, with CNN on in the background, when I heard what has to be the sociopathic quote of the year, “Nothing says I love you like a Glock.” I have not shared much about my own experience with a sociopath, but one of the things I am most ashamed of is that I did not react more strongly to my former husband’s preoccupation with guns. He did not personally own any gun, but he talked about them a great deal, and he was very persistent about the idea that I should learn how to shoot. He also wanted me to own a hand gun. I did take the NRA gun safety course and I learned how to shoot. I have to say, target practice was fun and I was good at it. I had and still have, an aversion to guns, and so never applied for permission to own one of my own. I felt like a fuddy-dud though, after all our Constitution does give us the right to arm bears, or is it bare arms? I don’t know…
What I do know is that the presence of a hand gun in the home is statistically associated with completed suicide. Access to weapons means a greater likelihood of using them on one’s self or others on impulse. A good thing did come from my training in fire arms, that was I became a more comfortable asking my patients if they owned weapons. All psychiatric/psychological evaluations should include this question.
The sociopathic quote of the year belongs to Drew Peterson, a man who the entire country believes may be responsible for the disappearance of his wife. To read the story visit The Chicago Tribune Website.
Although many people who own guns and use guns are not sociopaths, nearly all sociopaths are in love with guns. This is not discussed at all in the scientific literature but, in my conversations with other victims, they have verified the obsession. Sociopaths are in love with guns because they are the ultimate symbol of power and sociopaths are preoccupied with power. Sociopaths enjoy not only real guns, they also enjoy toy guns and violent videogames. Many studies have shown that sociopaths enjoy violent entertainment more that the average person.
If someone you suspect is a sociopath, wants you to have a gun, please get away from that person immediately. I strongly believe that many sociopaths who do not kill their partners, get their partners to kill themselves. Obviously, a person can also be murdered in such a way that it looks like a suicide. Please notice that Mr. Peterson bought his wife a gun as a Valentine’s day present. How telling is that? How sick is that?
I have only posted a few times. I’ve always tried to handle things on my own, but that isn’t always the best way to handle life. There are so many things I want to say, but there’s so much to say! I don’t know where to start sometimes and I finally stuff it and go on to try and handle it myself instead of opening myself up to others. The times I have tried to do this, I’ve been looked at like I’m trying to start trouble. It’s like Ox Drover said above, it’s like “peeling back an onion” one layer at a time. It’s so emotionally draining and I keep thinking to myself…get over it already!!
I walked away from my ex and had our marriage annulled almost four years ago. We were only married for ten months. He was verbally, sexually and physically abusive to me. He was a cop at that time, but was forced to retire because of the assault charges. I have had no contact with him at all since then. I can say that I no longer feel the horrible pain and agony of the relationship to the extent that I did back then, and have had enough time to get over it, I think.
My biological family is pretty dysfunctional. I didn’t used to feel this way, about pretty much everyone in my family, until recently. I know that my mom is, at the very least, a narcissist. I was always the scapegoat growing up and still am. I sold my house almost two years ago to help take care of her. She is a semi invalid and can’t do much of anything for herself anymore. I thought things between us would be different, that she would finally love me and validate my feelings. That I could heal from the things that were done to me when growing up. Well, that hasn’t happened. If anything, it’s the same. She isn’t able to physically hit me anymore, but the gas lighting and the mind games are the same. I have always wanted a mom, a real mom. That isn’t reality and will never happen. I thought I was a stronger person when I moved in. I thought because I was a grown, successful woman I could handle it. WRONG! It hurts just as much now as it did back then. I keep telling myself to ignore it and it won’t hurt as much. Just let it roll off my back. I realize now why I was so accepting of other abusive people. It was what I was used to, what I was programmed to accept as “normal”.
I am much smarter now when it comes to men and people I work with. I too have been able to spot those who aren’t what they appear to be. I am much more alert to warning signs these days. I stay away from those that I get a bad feeling about.
I haven’t dated anyone since I walked away from my ex and I probably won’t get involved with anyone again. Too much risk involved. To me, it’s just not worth it. I am content to be single.
I have two grown daughters and have a great relationship with both of them. I tell them I love them all the time. I tell them I’m proud of who they are. I want them to know how much they mean to me. I never had that from my parents and have always felt like I was lacking somehow. I don’t ever want them to feel that way.
It’s seems to me that I’ve said so much already, but I haven’t even made a dent. I did go to counseling for a time after the ex, but I’m feeling like I need to go back and deal with my childhood. How sad! All the junk from years ago that I’ve really never dealt with. It would be so healing and awesome to finally be validated by my mom. Dream on!
Dear LL,
I caution you to think carefully about ANY relationship with this past rapist/abuser, whether you find him “attractive” or not now…what is PAST IS PAST and I think we need to focus on relationships with people who have never seriously abused us, people who HAVE MORAL COMPASSES, rather than try to go back and resume a relationship with someone with THAT MUCH WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE. Just MHO.
Dear Forgivemyself,
You were posting at the same time I was posting to LL so we posted over each other.
I am glad that you opened up and posted. It sounds pretty much like my relationshit with my own egg donor. I took care of her, and my step father, but I see now that he appreciated it, she demanded it and more. Things were good with him when I was taking care of him, because things had been good with him BEFORE I began taking care of him in his last illness. Things were not good with her and really haven’t ever been.
I’m not sure if you are STILL taking care of your mother, but you might want to reexamine that caregiver role if you are.
I am my egg donor’s ONLY child and she expected that I would give up my life to dance to her tune, and I would have if she hadn’t been quite so demanding and entitled and devaluing. I actually am NC with her now for the last couple of years and will continue to be NC with her for the rest of her/my life because I have NO intention of having a relationshit with anyone who abuses me or ever did—I don’t need it, and I won’t tolerate it either.
My egg donor canceled my power of attorney over her business and medical needs, and my cousin took it (quite unwillingly and I think he thought it was a short term deal) but the thing is that when she canceled my authority to care for her, she also canceled my RESPONSIBILITY to do so. My mother is NOT poor and can afford to hire round the clock household or nursing care if need be, and/or get into a nursing home bed and those will be her only choices if she gets where she can’t remain home alone or take care of her own needs. I actually don’t know what kind of shape she is in physically or any other way. I am NC with her entirely even though she lives on the same farm I do, at the other end of the property, about a half mile.
You have in my mind NO obligation to take care of any person who is toxic or abusive to you NO MATTER WHAT THE BLOOD RELATIONSHIP IS. You have a right to your own life. You are not required by any person, law or God I know of to sacrifice yourself for your abuser.
I would suggest some counseling, like you mentioned, even in a healthy relationship, there is caregiver “burn out” that needs to be addressed. I would also investigate any other options for your mom’s care, including nursing home, etc. In the meantime, keep on coming here. We are all wounded souls in various stages of healing. Don’t assume that people don’t have empathy for you or that you are seen as a trouble maker. There is a great deal of caring, compassion and empathy here, because we’ve all been in painful shoes! God bless.
Ox Drover,
I appreciate your advise and it isn’t falling on deaf ears. Believe me, I have felt like moving out several times over the last few months and would have if it wasn’t for my brother. He moved in to take care of her before I did and was experiencing burn out. I moved in to help him with her. Maybe this is going to sound silly to you, but I’m here for him as well. He is a critical care nurse and has a very stressful job. Having been in the medical field, I know you understand what that entails. We get along well and do give each other breaks. I feel like it’s also my responsibility to help with her and I would feel so guilty walking away from him at this point. I work in banking and my job can be stressful too, at times, but nothing compared to what he deals with while at work.
The difference is that he has always been her favorite. I know this is going to sound juvenile, but I get jealous sometimes. She really loves and cares for him and I just don’t get it. What’s wrong with me? It’s always been this way. I’m the oldest and he’s the youngest. My sister, the middle child, doesn’t really do anything to help out and that isn’t going to change.
I see the warning signs that I’m developing. The emotional withdrawal. Feeling beat down, not good enough no matter what I do or how hard I try. It’s the one thing I didn’t do, or didn’t think of doing, that she points out. Never satisfied, ever! Like a bottomless pit.
I do love my mom. I will grieve when she passes. I have and will grieve over what I wish the relationship could have been. It’s ironic that at the age of 52 I’m dealing with all of this stuff. Feelings from so long ago, but fresh at the same time.
I will be going back to counseling. Just need to figure out where. It’s on my list of things to do this coming week.
I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me, Ox Drover.
Ox,
I have no desire too. What I”ve realized through this is that I have no feelings left for this man, except the anger that was, the anger that still is.
There is no way that relationship would ever be a healthy one.
LL
Dear Forgivingmyself,
I do understand. As for your mother “loving” your brother more, keep in mind, she isn’t capable of “loving” anyone….parents who designate one child the “golden child” and another as the “scape goat” are incapable of a loving relationship with EITHER child.
Your role may be more painful to you but at the same time, your brother may also have some painful emotional problems with “maintaining” his “superior status” over your “inferior” one.
NO ONE can have a healthy relationship with a mother like that, even if they are the “favorite” or the “golden child.” The entire situation is DYSFUNCTIONAL.
I used to think I had to be appreciated and approved of by my egg donor in order to be okay—of course I was never appreciated or approved of. But I have found SELF VALIDATION.
It is an AMAZING CONCEPT to someone who depended 99.9% on her okay-ness as to how she measured up to what perfection her egg donor decreed was the measuring stick. NO MORE.
I realized that she required “perfection” for me to be even barely OK and that ain’t gonna happen. I finally got to the point I do NOT care what her assessment of me is. I realized that she is cruel, uncaring about me, willing to punish and hurt me deliberately and expects me to just “forget about” what she has said and done to me and “pretend it didn’t happen.”
NOPE, not gonna happen. I too wish I had had a mother who nurtured and cherished me, but I didn’t have. I DID have a wonderful step father who believed in me more than I even knew at the time. The 18 months I cared for him before his death was GOOD time with him, and I’m so glad I got the chance to do that for him. To spend that QUALITY time with him, but there is NO quality to the time I have spent with the egg donor and I don’t need more NON-quality time with anyone. I’m worth more than that.
I hope you can get the help you need to make yourself heal from the lack of childhood nurture you had in your life. I do know it is a painful but very worthwhile process. So hang in there and keep on coming here! Some great support! God bless.
Ox Drover,
I’ve never thought of my brother as having to struggle emotionally with being the favorite, but it makes a lot of sense. Definitely food for thought, and I will think about it.
Thanks, and God bless you, too!
LL and Oxy–
I am sooo grateful for what you wrote.
I am not feeling well– feeling this UTI coming back on.
On hold with a doctor– trying to get antibiotic refill until I see a specialist.
I am in too much pain to write, but sooooooooooooo appreciate you love and jpost.
Oxy-
I love the list idea and I will do it. May even share with you.
I SEE his behavior as that of a womanizer. Although he said he was the opposite.
I see his inconsistent communication as having had something to hide.
I see his resentment towards women as a red flag.
Even though he said he had good reason to have resentment after being abused by a woman for 9 years and lied about.
———————————————–
I felt that the fact he would call me and talk for THREE hours– as being a sign that– he truly liked me and wanted to have a relationship.
I FELT all the lovebombs as real– b/c who makes that shit up?
His love bombs gave me hope. I just turned 41 on 12/19– and he was saying he wanted to get me pregnant now– b/c he knew I was the one.
I had found my guy– and I was going to be a mommy afterall. OMG.
I felt when he stopped calling me– or would call and not leave a message– or send an email with no emotional value–
as signs that he does indeed have other things going on–
but at the same time– I feel them as rejection which is LUDCROUIS b/c
clearly I did nothing wrong.
I FEEL rejection, but I see that he may have just been a player who is playing with someone else or elses in Boston where he is still building a house for work.
How do you spell ludicrouis? Ludicrous?
I FEEL sooo rejected and sad.
I THINK I was played.
I FEEL I was not good enough for him or that I pissed him off–
but I THINK that I have a ton to offer.
————-
Does the following mean ANYTHING TO ANYONE?
The last time I saw him– we were talking about something his exgf told me about him.
He said, “You see– this is why I have given up on relationships. All this bullshit. I don’t need it.”
What girls do not realize is that I do not NEED anyone. I am fine and happy with just me.”