I was going about the morning as usual, working on my next book, with CNN on in the background, when I heard what has to be the sociopathic quote of the year, “Nothing says I love you like a Glock.” I have not shared much about my own experience with a sociopath, but one of the things I am most ashamed of is that I did not react more strongly to my former husband’s preoccupation with guns. He did not personally own any gun, but he talked about them a great deal, and he was very persistent about the idea that I should learn how to shoot. He also wanted me to own a hand gun. I did take the NRA gun safety course and I learned how to shoot. I have to say, target practice was fun and I was good at it. I had and still have, an aversion to guns, and so never applied for permission to own one of my own. I felt like a fuddy-dud though, after all our Constitution does give us the right to arm bears, or is it bare arms? I don’t know…
What I do know is that the presence of a hand gun in the home is statistically associated with completed suicide. Access to weapons means a greater likelihood of using them on one’s self or others on impulse. A good thing did come from my training in fire arms, that was I became a more comfortable asking my patients if they owned weapons. All psychiatric/psychological evaluations should include this question.
The sociopathic quote of the year belongs to Drew Peterson, a man who the entire country believes may be responsible for the disappearance of his wife. To read the story visit The Chicago Tribune Website.
Although many people who own guns and use guns are not sociopaths, nearly all sociopaths are in love with guns. This is not discussed at all in the scientific literature but, in my conversations with other victims, they have verified the obsession. Sociopaths are in love with guns because they are the ultimate symbol of power and sociopaths are preoccupied with power. Sociopaths enjoy not only real guns, they also enjoy toy guns and violent videogames. Many studies have shown that sociopaths enjoy violent entertainment more that the average person.
If someone you suspect is a sociopath, wants you to have a gun, please get away from that person immediately. I strongly believe that many sociopaths who do not kill their partners, get their partners to kill themselves. Obviously, a person can also be murdered in such a way that it looks like a suicide. Please notice that Mr. Peterson bought his wife a gun as a Valentine’s day present. How telling is that? How sick is that?
I just broke up with a sociopath who I was involved with for 3 months. I just realized what he was and am in the first phase of trying to digest it. He is also a recovering crack addict. I am in recovery and for weeks he had me convinced that his “odd” and selfish behavior was a temporary result of being new in sobriety and that, in working the 12-steps he would grow and change. Well, I’ve sen that happen, of course, and I chose to believe this was the case with him. He reinforced this by telling me it was what his therapist had told him. Now I know that to have been one of many, many lies and manipulations. How do I know? Because as soon as he felt like I was really hooked on him sexually, psychologically and emotionally, his mask slipped. We were in the middle of intercourse one day when suddenly, out of nowhere, he said to me in utter seriousness, “I want to kill someone. Will you help me? I want to slit someone’s throat. Maybe someone who has hurt you. I want to know what it feels like to be God.” No, I sh*t you not. In the middle of sex he says this. It took my breath away and all I could think of was that he was just “talking crazy” and I told myself he could not possibly have meant that. I told him I had no desire or intention to harm anyone. I ended up trying to soothe him just then, as if I was a psychiatric nurse and had a suffering patient who needed TLC. Can you imagine???!!! I am an educated, sophisticated woman, and yet I did not walk away from him at that point. That was two weeks ago. The experience rocked my world and forced me to deal with how suddenly afraid I was of him. THEN, when I finally demanded to know WHAT ELSE was going on with him besides new sobriety, he told me that his therapist thought he had antisocial traits! Then I started piecing things together: the handgun he owned, which he pulled out from under the bed one day, out of nowhere, to show off (and of course I was naked and under the sheets) his preoccupation with Micky and Mallory, Bonnie and Clyde, The Iceman…once he said, in discussing serial killers–a favorite subject of his—that I would be “lucky” to have a psychopath on my side. Then he started asking me if I would be willing to travel the country with him if he bought an RV. Natural Born Killers, anyone? He is wealthy and that’s even scarier as it feeds into his sense of power.
I just broke up with him by phone as he is away on a trip for a month. Thank god. He “offered” to marry me even as I was stating that I did not believe he ever cared for me and that I did not want him in my life. At all. Ever. I feel blessedly relieved and yet I feel afraid. I don’t know what to expect when he comes back. It would be a godsend if he would just let this go. I’m just afraid he won’t and I don’t know how to gauge that. I do plan on NO contact. I also did go to the police about the comments he made about wanting to kill someone, so I have set the dogs on him. Which thankfully I had the brains and guts to do.
Mango,
You have taken very strong and important first steps. I think we all know how difficult it is. And how we go through the weirdness of self doubt and reproach later because its hard to let go and its hard not to be afraid and well, its hard.
But you know and we know you did the right thing.
Be unswerving. Be strong. Stay real. And you will find here information and support.
Brains and guts will turn out to have worked very well for you! No doubt!
RE: Dating sites.
My exPOS is on a dating site. Oxy, he was dating any woman that would date him until he could hook his next victim. He’s looking for marriage material. And money. He doesn’t at all mind making her apart of his “world”. The sooner the better.
Not all are long distance, however, I COMPLETELY agree that dating sites are a spaths playground. A friend of mine married a guy off of match. WHAT A NIGHTMARE that turned out to be!!!!! They’re divorcced and she had to move to a different state to get away from his crazy ass. He was a “respected” cop too.
I also participated on match at one time, as the encouragement of this same friend while she was still in honeymoon stage with her now ex. I became “friends” with a guy who was obviously spath (unbeknownst to me at the time), and was a STALKER!!! Scared the crap out of me. That was the end of the dating site stuff!
LL
Dear Mango,
Welcome, and sorry you are “qualifying” for our “club member card” :-(. You did the important task of connecting the dots and drawing the line. Congratulations!
That you went to the police was a very wise act! I am very concerned about your safety, though. Maybe Oxy or ErinB could give you advice how to protect yourself as you seem to know about his plans, and maybe in his fantasy he projects that you might be a danger to him, and goes after you. Take care, and keep on reading and writing, it helps, and there is always someone around to listen. (((Hugs)))
Mango,
WOW! Mine wasn’t as wordy with his “threatening” intentions as yours, but I SO GET the pulling out the gun while you’re naked under the sheets. That is EXACTLY what happened to me! It was VERY frightening.
I think you did absolutely the RIGHT thing!!!! Good for you. I wish you well and pray for your safety!!
LL
Thank you, libelle and silvermoon…..it means a lot to me that you are here. I don’t know how to talk about this to the people who populate my world. I have already seen that many of them simply default to thinking that he is just another newly recovering addict.
I don’t want to be afraid of him. He lives 5 minutes from me and has to drive past my apartment to get to anywhere. Of course, he could stalk me from any distance if he wanted to, but this is a little too close. I feel I should move, for my own sanity. I don’t want to have to, as I live in a charming part of town on a bike trail, but I need to prioritize my safety, right?
I *hate* to let fear infrm my decisions….
Libelle,
I prefer not to become an atheist. 🙂
I’m not affiliated with any particular religious organization, but I do believe in God as a professed Christian.
I wish that it were NOT so hard not to think about him. I’m still trying to make sense of what happened. I’m only out a bit over a month now and as ox would say, still a bit “gobsmacked”.
LL
lesson learned,
I love your username.
Really? You had the same experience? Jesus, did you think for a split second that it was all over? I did.
Then he apologized for “moving too quickly” when he reached under the bed and pulled out the gun. As if that was the issue.
Mango,
Thanks. Mine pulled his gun out of the nightstand drawer right next to the bed. Laid it on the bed, pointed at me. Not directly, but I got the message. It was so bizarre and unexpected. I felt IMMEDIATELY threatened…….dunno, like an underlying absolute hatred for me expressed as something innocently done.
After that I never spent the night with him again.
LL
LL,
Wow. W.o.w…..I thought the same thing in my case, like no one who truly cared about me would ever have chosen to wave a gun around in my presence.
So WHY did I not RUN? THAT is the part I’m having trouble accepting…
Right now I’m dealing with an inner demon that says I have the seeds within me to be a Bonnie, or a Mallory…and that my ex somehow saw the darkness and attempted to nurture it, bring it along so that he would have a partner…honestly, it is difficult now to 100% believe in myself as a “good” person. I feel a good person would have run screaming from him at one of several points in the relationship before I was able to. It makes me feel morally weak and like somewhat of a freak in a normal-person disguise. You know, one thing he used to always tell me was that we were “good together” because I was a “misfit” and so was he. When really, I’m a pretty average, well-liked, contributing member of society. However, knowing this is only an intellectual exercise. I no longer feel that way. Normal, that is.