I was going about the morning as usual, working on my next book, with CNN on in the background, when I heard what has to be the sociopathic quote of the year, “Nothing says I love you like a Glock.” I have not shared much about my own experience with a sociopath, but one of the things I am most ashamed of is that I did not react more strongly to my former husband’s preoccupation with guns. He did not personally own any gun, but he talked about them a great deal, and he was very persistent about the idea that I should learn how to shoot. He also wanted me to own a hand gun. I did take the NRA gun safety course and I learned how to shoot. I have to say, target practice was fun and I was good at it. I had and still have, an aversion to guns, and so never applied for permission to own one of my own. I felt like a fuddy-dud though, after all our Constitution does give us the right to arm bears, or is it bare arms? I don’t know…
What I do know is that the presence of a hand gun in the home is statistically associated with completed suicide. Access to weapons means a greater likelihood of using them on one’s self or others on impulse. A good thing did come from my training in fire arms, that was I became a more comfortable asking my patients if they owned weapons. All psychiatric/psychological evaluations should include this question.
The sociopathic quote of the year belongs to Drew Peterson, a man who the entire country believes may be responsible for the disappearance of his wife. To read the story visit The Chicago Tribune Website.
Although many people who own guns and use guns are not sociopaths, nearly all sociopaths are in love with guns. This is not discussed at all in the scientific literature but, in my conversations with other victims, they have verified the obsession. Sociopaths are in love with guns because they are the ultimate symbol of power and sociopaths are preoccupied with power. Sociopaths enjoy not only real guns, they also enjoy toy guns and violent videogames. Many studies have shown that sociopaths enjoy violent entertainment more that the average person.
If someone you suspect is a sociopath, wants you to have a gun, please get away from that person immediately. I strongly believe that many sociopaths who do not kill their partners, get their partners to kill themselves. Obviously, a person can also be murdered in such a way that it looks like a suicide. Please notice that Mr. Peterson bought his wife a gun as a Valentine’s day present. How telling is that? How sick is that?
Mango,
you hit on something very important that I too, am struggling with but in a different way. It’s hard for me to believe I’m a good person either, having given myself up morally to my exspath. I understand completely how you feel.
Even though I don’t feel “normal” either (and actually, I’m probably not as I have some issues to deal with now after the fact), you seem very normal to me! I think your spath didn’t see you as an accomplice in the sense that you would do what he wanted you to do. He saw your EMPATHY….a vulnerability, whatever that was, that sucked you in. They suck in GOOD people. Loving, kind people.
The seeds you feel are the inner demons to be a Bonnie, or a Mallory are not YOUR seeds, they are the seeds HE planted to make you think that way, I think…..
ANd no, one who truly cared would NOT put a gun near you in your presence. That one just blew me away when it happened. I was in such fear. And I still, to this day wonder, what I did that made him HATE me so much, enough to do that.
You’ll be okay, Mango. You’re still a good person and a very bright one too. You got out early. I’m so glad for you that it didn’t last too long.
LL
((((Thank you,LL))))
I wish you the very best, too.
Dear LL.
Good for you! I DO NOT WANT ANYBODY TO ABANDON THEIR FAITH.
I am also a Christian and I firmly believe that it is heplful to have some higher power that is taking care of things that are too big to handle for me. I treat cancer patients, and when they tell me they believe that God sent them the disease I say that it would not be MY God. It would be cruel to think of some old man on a cloud thinking about ailments HE would send to punish a special person for …… (fill in sin of choice. I am VERY sarcastic here, sorry), and I think that it is fate that illness or incidents happen.
It is though important for me to know that there is some power that helps us bearing the burden, and sometimes lighting a candle is very helpful for me!
It is my choice of dewelling in the shit or try to see the manure part in it and put it or look at it that it might be helpful in the future.
You are doing great, a month full of hard work has passed, and you can look back to those 30 + days with pride and satisfaction, although it feels like a horrible continuing rollercoaster. Hang in there, and don’t fall off the waggon! You are wonderful!
Dear Mango and LL,
I just read what you two wrote (while editing). You both are terrific and wonderful. You both were brainwashed by the guns! (just horrible imaginig it). The N/S/P want to live their sick fantasies, and twist reality so that normal sucks and is boring and the outrageous is the “normal” and “desirable”. SO SICK; I am so glad you both came out intact and with all your sanity and health! (((((HUGS)))))
Libelle,
Thank you, but truthfully, I’m struggling SO HARD today. He’s got this new gf and it’s killing me. In just a month. Amazing.
I have this idea that he’s going to miraculously change for someone else. I know it’s ludicrous, logically, but it is so painful today, I’m barely holding ground.
I’m still maintaining my NC. That’s all I’ve done I think, that isn’t rollercoastering it, per se. I”ve not contacted him, or tried to beg him back. The imaginings of what he’s doing with her are excrutiating for me right now. I keep thinking things would have been different if I’d not been the OW in the situation. This is killing me today. It absolutely hurting in side.
LL
Hi LL,
I just read your comment. Although it wasn’t directed at me, I just need to offer you this–he won’t change. He can’t change. That poor woman is going to go through what you just did. He will hurt her, too. Maybe she won’t turn out to be as strong as you and it will be even worse for her. Isn’t that scary??
I am going to go out for a walk and I will hold you in my mind and wish you relief from the torment you’re feeling. Sometimes our imagination is not our friend…:( I just came through several days of gripping the table and staring at my white knuckles because I miss the sex with my ex so much–and THAT made me feel craaazzzzyyy…o.O
Remember, it’s ok to *feel* whateva….just don’t ACT on it.
Dear LL, I just can second Mango!
Stay firm on the rollercoaster (inside of you). This woman has not “won” him nor is he changing for her. He might say so, but in the end he will be bored and show his old D&D-game. Come here to blog, read, vent, whatever, BUT STAY NC, PLEASE!
((((HUGS))))
Mango,
I think that’s the single most validating post I”ve seen in a long time from where I’m at right now. This is NOT pleasant in the slightest. I miss sex with him so much too. It wasn’t even that good. It was the bonding I believed was there. It wasn’t. Not with me anyway. It’s sickening to me how someone can just move on from sex with one person to another. I realize this is done, even outside of spathy relationshits, but it’s not me. It’s worse when it’s been a spath relationshit. This hurts beyond hurting. You’re so right, my imagination is NOT my friend and I’m seeing it all in 3d in my head.
It’s so frustrating to feel this way. INcredibly frustrating. I”m so angry that I do. I wish I didn’t. But I do. I can’t move beyond where I’m at right now, other than just sitting with the pain. It’s frustrating that I feel I should just be over it when I’m not. I have more bad days then good, but hope that soon there will be more good than bad. I miss him. And this is where I have to survive in thinking outside of the sex box to what the rest of the relationshit was. This is still very early for me.
I’m NC. It’s the best i can do for right now.
LL
Dear LL—STAY IN THE NOW!!!!!! Remember what your therapist told you. YOU CAN DO IT.
Welcome, Mango, sorry that you qualified for our club, and sounds like you went for the “delux membership” package too!
I hope you are doing well with your recovery, but believe me when people are that way SOBER OR HIGH/DRUNK they are not “working the program.”
AA calls them “dry drunks” and what they are is PSYCHOPATHS (sociopaths, anti-social personality disorder) and unfortunately many “recovery and rehab” programs are FULL OF THEM.
I have seldom seen a relationship that had two people in recovery that “worked” and especially NOT TWO PEOPLE WHO MET EARLY ON IN THE RECOVERY PROGRAM.
Him telling you all that about it was becasue he was eary into recovery is what we call “gaslightting” (twisting reality).
Hang around here and read–there are over 700 great articles here (I suggest you start with the “what is a sociopath” subject group) and go back to the first one in that group and read it (just the article save the comments for later) and then move on to the next subject or author….KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and there is plenty of knowledge here to help you heal and grow! and take back your POWER.
It starts out about “them” but ends up about “us” and how we can heal and grow. Welcome and God bless.
Hi OxDrover,
I’ve been in recovery for a long time..I was acquainted with the ex before he started his own recovery, although I was unaware of his crack addiction at the time. He is a “high-functioning, successful, well-off once-a-month user. Whatever the hell that means!
So. I’ve seen other men who are new in sobriety. Lots of them, and women, and I just *knew* he had something else going on. I could not figure out what. Now I know!
There are lots of AA/NA couples who do just fine, in my experience.
Thank you for the support and the good vibes! I am reading like mad.
Dear Mango,
One of my son’s friends who is over this weekend, a great young man, a great mimic and he was mimicing a U-tube video about “I was in recovery down in ala-bam-a and I don’t freebase no cocaine no more, well except once in a whihle when I gets boa’d I don’t freebase no cocaine no more, that rehab donw in alabamr sure did cure me–I just do it onc’t n a whil” LOL He is really funny but the thing is so much that it is so true. There are so many people who think that they are no addicts when they are. My drug of choice is nicotine and no one is more or less of an addict as far as I am concerned than I am…my drug is just legal and maybe theirs wasn’t.
BTW listen to your GUT!!!! You said you just *knew* something was wrong.,…but that is what it was…psychopathy. Keep on reading, learning and absorbing. It does help us, the more we know about them and the more we know about ourselves the better we can protect ourselves.