While in the height of conflict with psychopaths or those with psychopathic features, sometimes, we scare people. I don’t mean Halloween “scary costume” scary. I don’t mean “things that go bump in the night” scary. No, I mean “take a look at yourself” scary. There are those around us who will see us go through what we do, and back away, simply because they realize that what we are experiencing or have experienced is just too strange and horrible to handle.
Maybe they don’t understand. Maybe they don’t know what to say to us, as this is a special type of trauma. Often, some of us give others a “pass” for those reasons. That is perfectly understandable. However, I believe that there are those who do know and understand, yet still choose to bury their heads.
Why are there those with such feelings of trepidation? If they become involved, even with only the minor facts of our stories, they may be forced to face the possibility that they could be in our positions at some point in time. It may be too unpleasant for them to imagine. No one is immune to these experiences and the thought of our plights becoming theirs may be overwhelming. Some may feel that is best to pretend as though this could not occur in their worlds.
How will we know?
We should not expect those around us to come out and express their fears. It is possible that they are not even consciously aware of their feelings, actions or responses. Nonetheless, if they are, in fact, afraid, it becomes clear before long, even though initially we may misinterpret that fear as something else.
What will they do?
They may pull away, be unwilling or unable to listen, or attempt to make light of our feelings on the matter. They may suggest that we are not feeling the feelings we say we are or that we need to “get over it” and move on, offering little support.
What should we do?
While moving forward is important, it is a gradual process and will come in time. If we encounter those who think this way, we should try our hardest not to internalize what they do or say, or in many cases, fail to say. This is very important because we should not take on any more unnecessary burden. It’s not healthy or helpful. We do not need to process their baggage in addition to that with which the sociopath has left us.
It may hurt at first because it is unpleasant and frustrating, but in the end, as with much of the rest of the issues that surround these experiences, their reactions may turn out to be a gift. As we grow and become whole again, we usually come to see the people who reacted in this manner very differently. We may no longer like what we see. We may come to see them as very “go along to get along,” and lose respect, because it is hard to respect those who stands for nothing. We may come to realize that these relationships were littered with conditions. The most important one being the demand for silence in our times of need.
As we recover
With recovery should also come some form of a rebirth, where we emerge better than we were before. As I have said before, we may sometimes need to leave our old methods of quantifying “better” behind. This may not materialize in the traditional sense. For example, if stripped financially, we may never be where we would have been under different circumstances. If faced to choose different career avenues, we may never achieve a level we once dreamed of. In truth, the scars the psychopaths may be very deep. However, that is not to say that once we do redefine, that we cannot find happiness and satisfaction. We can. Further, when we have little to lose, we may be willing to take some risks that go completely against our grains, but are sometimes necessary to excel. What this means is highly individual.
In the process, we may benefit greatly from purging ourselves of the negative relationships, that surprisingly are not just attached to the psychopaths or individuals with psychopathic features who are or were in our lives. We may need to take this action with those we “scare.” We can only control our actions, so we must act in ways that benefit our health and well being. With that, we will have energy for those who do matter.
In time, some may end up wishing they had handled things differently. Many won’t be phased either way. But maybe if they had, they would have learned a thing or two about their own strengths. However, they chose their safety nets of silence, demonstrating only their weaknesses.
I recently saw an inspirational quote that stated, “hard times reveal true friends.” That could not be more right on. Real friends do not scare easily, they walk with us through this time as best they can. Those who won’t, may not deserve to walk with us in our good times either. These experiences give us the opportunity to see the difference in a world where sometimes things get murky. Good luck out there!
Linda thank you for your post. It is so true. I used to be very social. I entertained & held dinner parties had my kids friends over in groups, offered shelter to those visiting or in need. Loaned money, gave gifts on holidays or for no reason at all. Lent a helping hand to anyone who needed it or asked. The behavior of these people during the fall & the aftermath contribute to the PTSD factors especially isolation & the feelings that the incident is still occurring. It seems the repercussions continue on. The psychopath was the bomb & these people who we scare are the shrapnel.
I am constantly told that it is my fault as I picked the psychopath like one might purposely chose a rotten melon in the store instead of the fresh firm ones from the bin. There isn’t an PRG (Psychopath Recovery Group) on the planet for support. Nor a Veterans Administration center to provide services. In fact there is no reason to leave my house at all. I have very litle if any means to do so even if I had a reason. I am the woman in the commercial who has fallen & cannot get up. There isn’t a LifeAlert, Redcross, Goodwill or Salvation Army coming to my rescue. I can’t call the police or the fire department for help. I don’t know where to turn. It’s like I’ve been captured by the Joker & put in a shrinking room where the walls & ceilings are closing in & Batman & Robin are no where to be found.
I wonder constantly who I am & know for a fact I will never be the same. I am more isolated than ever. I feel damaged & marked. I wonder where these people are & often who they were. Donna wrote an open letter to the Attorneys of victims of psychopaths that was spot on. There needs to be more awareness, education & support services to deal with those of us left in the ashes without any other means of support to help us. We’re out of work (I am ), in need of housing, medical care, mental therapy, money, food, clothing, abandoned by friends & family. We are reduced to relying on welfare when prior to the psychopath we may have been 500,000 thousand miles away from ever being in such a position.
Donna is doing an amazing job but she is one person. How can we band together & begin to set this war we are waging, the traumatization we experience, the disorder it causes, the services required, the stigmatization of the situation it has put us in recognized as a crime & not a social disease that we have contracted. How can we organize community support & meetings. How can we put this in front of law enforcement & the legal system as a crime epidemic that needs to be honored not dismissed as a hysterical person who was spurned.
I want to help do this as I think it would help me help myself & others. I need these services like I need water & rain in the desert. I suspect many people do. Donna has begun the process. How do we take it to the next step. I need to know before it’s too late for me. Lillian
It would be good to have help, but sometimes, for some things, there isn’t. We can work so that the next ones have that help, but if when we need it now and there is none, or few, we have to take what it is available and fight alone to get through. I think, at to some point, whenever we feel really bad, we are like a little kid who falls and cries for mummy to come. We are really hurt, why there is no one here? That is the normal reaction, we were trained to be like that. But what happens if the kid cries and mummy is not there? Well, the kid stops crying and gets up by himself. Sometimes, to know that there is no rescue, that it is really up to us to stand up and walk, does wonders. A step a day, doesn’t have to be much, but a step a day. No excuses. No waiting for a miracle, there is just the step a day solution. Take it. When you are out, and you will be, you will be stronger than ever, because you will know you are self-reliant and you would have killed many fears on the way. A step a day 🙂
Lillian,
You are very welcome. I am truly very sorry that you have had to endure the things that you have described. Nothing about any of it is right or acceptable. Also, you are not just dealing with one trauma, but rather, several all at one time.
You are experiencing things and feelings probably most of us do in the aftermath of these ordeals. I agree that a support group for this would be wonderful and you are not alone in wanting this. I have not been able to find a way to bring this to fruition yet, but do think about it a lot.
I know what it is like to feel the world spinning out of control around you. I found that I had to concentrate on improving only one thing at a time and take baby steps in doing so. For example, you said that you like being social. I think most of us are. That was probably part of the attraction in the first place. We are/were full of life! After we have been through the things we have, as I always say, we must redefine. So…rather than having large parties or lots of people over, how about finding one person, whose time you enjoy and is supportive and get together with him or her? You can stay in or go out. It doesn’t matter. The important thing is that you are enjoying someone socially. It’s a start. You are doing something you enjoy slowly.
You also mentioned getting out. I also found that leaving the house also sort of automatically boosted my spirits. I cannot explain it since I am a bit of a homebody, but I would find somewhere to go that was free or where I would only need to spend a very minimal amount of money. I felt like I got away from it all for a little. Maybe if you feel ready, give it a whirl. See what you think. If you don’t like it, save it for later and work on one other area you want to make better instead.
You mentioned work too. It is one tough market out there at the moment. We are pros at beating ourselves up. Give it all your effort, but if it still isn’t happening at the moment, really try not to internalize it. It may truly not be your fault at all. I tried for two years, before finally choosing a different direction. It turned out to be the best thing that happened. However, no one could have told me that as I was caught up in feeling bad about it.
As far as the blame for choosing him goes, this is where I had to train myself to stop listening to people who thought that way. This is soooooo hard, since we tend to take responsibility. However, we have to stop trying to convince. When I did, I was happier. Who, in their right mind, would choose a psychopath? Not you. Not me. They packaged themselves very differently and deceivingly. We did not choose them. We chose the persona they presented. If we feel secure in this knowledge, that is all that matters. It doesn’t change what others do and say, but it changes how we view them and the extent to which we care. People think LOTS of things that are incredibly wrong on many topics.
As far as who you are…you are probably the same person you have always been. The only difference is that you have been through a very serious and damaging battle. Hang in there. Try to be good to yourself. Do at least one nice thing for yourself every day. It could be as simple as telling yourself that you will not allow anyone’s comments to make you feel bad and then stick to it. Make one improvement every day. Trust me, it can be minor and may not look like much. However, over the course of, let’s say six months, look back and see if you at least feel better. Check into social programs in your area while you continue to look for work or get other training/education. It’s crazy challenging out there, I know. Keep posting here. The support is wonderful and you CAN get through this life altering experience.
Linda
Lillian, I have thought often how I’d benefit from a socio/psychopath survivors support group – LF in a church hall or community centre, once a week, survivors sharing, literature for borrowing and discussion. The social aspect of life is very challenging for me too post breakdown caused my sexual assaults. My anxiety levels are high though becoming manageable as nc clocks up. Linda’s suggestions are great. I agree that having one trusted easy going friend for dinner or to hang out maybe watching a film is a good reentry to sociability, just an hour or two, until confidence increases. For me one reason I’ve isolated is because I did not want people knowing what had happened. I felt ashamed. I share here and with my counselor, that’s it.
I agree that we don’t choose to be with sociopaths. We choose to be with the people they are pretending to be. If we were unable to let down our defenses and let someone in, we’d never have relationships. Not all people are exploitative vampires like sociopaths.
But once you’ve encountered one, once you’ve fallen in love, let them into your life and home, become intimate with one, then you realize the potential for disaster. The first phase of their game is so convincing and tempting: the lovebombing, the heated race to move in or marry, (for some) the “passion” demonstrated during sex, etc. You have to understand the game to get out during this euphoria phase. It’s meant to play on normal human emotions and vulnerabilities. That’s why it works on so many people.
Now that I’ve let a few of these psychos into my life, I know that lovebombing, blaming and demonizing ex-wives and ex-girlfriends, pity play, too much commitment too soon, the push to get me to make promises, etc. is a dangerous beginning that will quickly turn into devaluing, blaming, criticism, deceit, hostility, and mind games. But who knows this growing up? You have to experience it or get the information from a REALLY good teacher. Or if you have a very, very strong sense of yourself and have been through very little trauma in your life, you may be healthy and strong enough to get out at the first sign of danger. I don’t know. I personally was a target, because I was lonely and I had a traumatic childhood.
My marriage, which ended more than 2 years ago was my final lesson. The boyfriend who came (and went quickly) after was proof I’d learned my lesson. I got rid of him after about two months. He has a long history of playing women. Once he was in a serious relationship with a co-worker who didn’t know for months that he was still living with his ex-girlfriend! How did he pull that off? I have no idea. It’s amazing what these types can do. It wasn’t until he got into a car accident that the new girlfriend/co-worker found out he was still living with the old girlfriend. And guess what? The old girlfriend was a former co-worker at the same place of employment!
When he got out of his second marriage (where he was supposedly cheated on and dumped by his wife), he said he knew he could get this other woman he’d been flirting with for months. This woman was yet ANOTHER co-worker at the same job. He ended up marrying her and said she cheated on him, too and that he was a saint. I don’t believe it, because he got involved with an ex-crack addict with no job before that divorce was even filed. And the crack addict woman was still living with and married to her husband WHILE my ex-boyfriend was dating her. These sociopaths are drawn to drama and destruction. He accused one wife of selling all his family’s heirloom gold jewelry. He accused another one of stealing phone service on his Verizon account. But the crack addict woman who stole the phone service and charged up his bill is the woman he starting pursuing again behind my back after only a few weeks of dating me.
When I look back it is such a horrible mess. It old him of course he tolerates cheating and bad behavior, because that is what HE DOES himself. I really believe you have to become the person you want to be with. I mean, if you want honesty, you are honest. If you want commitment, you are committed And the list goes on. Sociopaths don’t even think about that stuff. They just want to drain people for all they can get.
I completely agree with that. You can just tolerate the things you could do yourself. And when someone has tolerated more, really check how the do really feel and react while talking about it, because they might have tolerate it because they were doing the same or worse.
Cassandrasdream – reading your post kinda freaked me out because you described my ex husband to a “T”. And oddly, he too was fooling around with an ex-crack addict behind my back and ended up leaving me the first time for her. He too was married 3 times before me, but the marriage endings were always someone else’s fault and this one or that one cheated on him. I had to reply, I am stunned at the similarity. I literally JUST, less than an hour ago joined this site, and have had 3 OH WOW moments just reading these posts.
Dear thejb:
Wow. I am surprised and not surprised. He is at a military training for three weeks and he is still trying to keep the game going. I am not allowing that to happen. I know he needs a “support system” while he is away. He is still talking to the ex-crack addict. I think she may be even condo sitting for him to watch his cats while he is gone. But I am not sure.
My ex sociopath boyfriend cannot stand to be alone. So he sets up people in his life, reels them in and does whatever he can to keep them in place. There is no love involved. Although, he throws that word around a lot.
I think he believes he was a victim in his past marriages and relationships. Everyone cheated on him and he did nothing wrong. Yet, when he brags about how he knew he could get one woman if he lost the other, you can tell this is a load of crap.
I know he is terribly wounded. But he needs to heal that. I can’t. And I would have destroyed my life trying.
Thank you for your comments.
Lillian,
It would be an ideal situation if there were more support and understanding of such frightful situations!Linda is “spot on” about people being afraid;not knowing how to deal with this kind of situation or even what will really help.She also gave excellent suggestions for healing.
There was a young woman(visiting)in my apt complex that was beaten.While residents have shown concern,I intend to “go out on a limb” to help her get started with her new life.Because I have been abused,I know what to do.Those who haven’t been abused want to get as far away as possible.It doesn’t mean they’re bad people.There’s just a difference in the way people respond.Little do they realize that sometimes they don’t need to even open their mouths and try to say the “right thing”!Sometimes a warm hug means even more!I remember people shaking their heads and telling me that “no one else would have stayed as long as you have-you are really strong!”That was nice,but the hugs always meant more!I think alot of the reason people respond with a lack of compassion or empathy for a woman or man who has been in such a situation is that we live in a society of “disposable everything” including relationships.You’re expected to be “smart enough” to walk away the MOMENT things start going wrong.It’s just not that simple.Some stay because they are living by a moral or value system.They should not be “devalued” in anyone’s eyes.Once they’re educated about sociopaths though,they understand it’s more than they can handle.So it all boils down to education.
Lillian,
The next time someone wants to say you deliberately chose that psycopath,illustrate it this way and maybe they’ll understand!It’s like getting up to the meat counter and choosing that fresh looking ground beef…oh your mouth waters as you think about the tacos you’re gonna make and eat tonight!After finishing your grocery shopping you head home and put everything away and put the ground beef on to cook….OMG!The middle is all gray,yuck!You didn’t do that on purpose!
That’s the thing, the problem here is this is all legal. But imagine one guy dressed like a policeman with a fake credential calling at your door. Even if you let him enter you can denounce him. Of course we are talking here about a private issue and it could be invasive and very complex to make a law, but THIS WAS FRAUD.
The meat analogy made me LOL thanks Blossom, I needed that my counselor told me today the service is closing due to lack of funding. My counseling is run by the church with some funding from their own resources, some from client donations and some from government. The government has cut their support and they can’t keep going. So I lose my counselor in July. I felt very upset when he told me. I need to be grateful its lasted this long.
Tea Light,
I know how you feel.Since I was counselled at a DV shelter,I’m grateful,they were able to do it as long as they were;but the truth is they only have so many funds.Their main job is helping battered women (and children if there are any).I know they’ve had a number of emergencies come up because I had to reschedule some of my counselling appts.And then just recently,the girl visiting my apt complex was beat up by her husband,so there’s a case that I know of personally.But I keep thinking about what my counselor said,that as we focus on helping others,we build our self-esteem and continue to heal~~~that certainly applies here at Lovefraud!But I also look for other ways to help and brighten people’s days!
Thank you for this article, Linda. I can’t tell you how demoralizing it is when my friends tell me, “You really need to let that go and get over it. You’ve got to forgive him. Everyone makes mistakes.”
They just don’t grasp the severity of what I’m going through and that really does make them confused. They, in turn, put it back on me like I am the one who is messed up. They would never let anyone interfere with their emotional well being long after the fact. They don’t understand what CPTSD is and they certainly don’t understand triggers.
It is a very lonely position to be in. I have learned to act like I’ve moved on and everything is peachy. But I still deal with the pangs of heartbreak and depression whenever a trigger happens. I’ve done really well in these past few years learning how to diminish the pain of the triggers, but they still happen and will most likely continue to happen. That is just what I have to deal with. This is the “gift” I was left with by the disordered people in my life.
It all does get better with honesty to myself and hard work, but I can’t truly count on my friends for support, That’s why I’m on LF. It has given me a safe place to express my feelings and has also given me valuable information when I need it.
Blessings to all of you who are here for support.
the sisterhood,
I’m glad that none of my friends tell me that!Of course they have watched me try to make things work for yrs and they know after awhile “it’s just not your fault after all”!But I can remember a time when I felt like I was “doing the wrong thing” by trying to leave the situation.
Emotional abuse does scar it’s victims…it’s shadow doesn’t leave once you walk out the door!Perhaps you should allow people to see how you feel…people need to be educated about emotional abuse.It’s bad enough that many turn a deaf ear(or their backs)on physical abuse.People are afraid of getting involved & afraid of getting hurt themselves in the process.
Blossom4th,
I think the frustration and loneliness happens for me because I have educated my friends on personality disorders and the emotional abuse they inflict. They seem to listen the first time, but if I ever bring it up again they either brush it off and change the subject, or roll their eyes and look at me like, “There she goes again thinking everyone has a personality disorder.” It really seems like they’d rather keep living with the blinders on because it’s just too difficult to look at everyone and ourselves as either being a victim or a perpetrator.
Because I truly think we are in one category or the other. Victim of the disordered or the disordered. I think we are just not aware of being the victim unless we know what we are dealing with. Especially if we are comfortable with making excuses for bad behavior or they are just merely friends that we only associate with occasionally. We can choose to distance ourselves for a while and go back when we think it just might be a fun time again. I have college friends like that. One in particular is so self-absorbed that it’s kind of funny. But all the other roommates make excuses for her behavior by saying, “Well, that’s just the way she is. They just want to keep the “girls” get- togethers going and don’t want to rock the boat. There may be occasional bitching about the roommate by the others, but in the end they always make peace with it because they want to continue to party with her and have “fun”. I’m at a point where I’m over it, but I admit that I haven’t completely given up on hanging out with her even after knowing what a NPD she is.
It’s only when in a close family or intimate relationship that we really start to evaluate what is really going on. It affects us more personally. More to the soul.
So I don’t think I’ll ever make any headway with any of my friends. I have accepted that this is really my journey and my journey only. It is lonely and miserable at times. I reach levels of frustration I never though imaginable. But I do get by, somehow. I think it’s pure determination on my part not to let the disordered people in my life win. If I get bitter, they win. If I cry victim, they win. If I take my own life because I can’t take it anymore, they win. I WON”T let them win. It’s my last stand.
Again, I thank Donna for giving me this outlet. It has been profound in my recovery and healing.
I don’t know that others are afraid of us per say. I think they can see the damage that was done to us and are afraid that they can become victims of a sociopath or perhaps they, albeit on some unconscious level, see some of the things we tell them, happening in their lives as well. It is very hard to let go of the innocence is bliss way of living. Reality is a very hard thing to face; life is, many times, easier to navigate with blinders on.
I also see that many of these people that are ‘afraid of us’ are possibly embarrassed/ashamed of themselves for not using clear specific words and examples, when they ‘saw things’ that we were too close to see, rather they spoke in broad terms or general statements.
Some of us did the same thing in the past as the ‘afraid people’ doing now. I know I discounted the sweeping statements others made. I distanced myself from people who made disparaging remarks. I didn’t see them as helpful or constructive, rather as jealousy on their part. One of the spath’s extracurricular ‘girlies’ said it best: “My girls and my friends don’t understand him the way I do”. She was blind sided by him too.
I was always interested in politics from childhood. As a teenager and young adult, I was very active in age appropriate political groups. When I started to date the spath, I would bring him to meetings, social get togethers, and other dos. Why wouldn’t I, he agreed with my views and could quote my favorite authors and politicians better than me. In the beginning, at these gatherings, the spath would sit by himself and be very quitet; after a while, he became more comfortable and found his very well-versed voice. My friends in these groups would ask me why am I bringing him and tell me that he was too polished, a little to pat. My reaction was “these people are jealous because he is so smart”. Eventually they ignored me and I gave up my involvement.
I didn’t see the spath’s goal of isolating me from people I shared an interest with.
Then there was the friend/business acquaintance of my father and uncle. When my uncle died in 1978, this man drove a long distance to come to his wake. I knew of the man, but never met him before. I introduced him to this gentleman and proceeded to tell him that the spath was going to XXX law school. The fella said that his son really wanted to go to law school as well but his grades were just not up to par and was going for his grad degree. The spath listened to my conversation and after awhile spoke to this man about this man’s business field. While I never met this man face to face again, over the next several years, when he would call asking for my father, he would be very curt when I brought the spath up. I developed a deep dislike for him. My reaction again “he is jealous because his son didn’t go to law school”.
I didn’t see that this well experienced business gentleman was uncomfortable around the spath.
My cousin with whom I grew up with as more sisters then a more distant relative, at first was very close to the spath. The three of us would always hang together, even after I married him. She would fly up to visit in law school and we would even ‘double date’, when she was going out with her future husband. Then she started to distance herself. She made no trips to visit during the last year of law school, the phone calls stopped or she always rushed to hang up if I called, etc… . One more time, I blamed jealousy, her future husband was having a difficult time passing his professional exam.
I didn’t see she wanted to be with me, not the person that I was becoming to please the spath.
We were estranged for decades due to a ‘family feud” not involving us, rather our mothers and their mother. When my mom died, I called my cousin to let her know, as she was her godmother. We reconnected for a little over a year, and during that time I was telling her about the destruction the spath did. She eventually told me that she never liked the spath and went to describe a litany of reasons. Then she told me she was not there to a sounding board I should have spoken up decades ago about the tingling feelings I had. Finally, she told me that I was no longer the cousin she enjoyed, that I allowed myself to be transformed.
I could go on and on about destroyed/lost friendships all having the spath as the centerpiece. Most of us could.
I think being rejected/shunned/kept at arms length, by these ‘afraid people’ hurts us in ways they do understand because we did it to them. It’s another slap in the face by the spath, even though he/she is no longer a part of our lives. Their ‘anger’ shows us what we did to them during the spath.
I will share with anyone, my therapist allowed me to see that ‘it’s not my fault’ and ‘I have nothing to be ashamed of’.
I wish I could get to that point, but I am not there yet. I still blame myself and it didn’t help that when I left, I went to stay with family for a year and I hear all the “I knew something was wrong with him, why couldn’t YOU see it?” or “Why didn’t you get out sooner?” “You made a bad choice” (my mother still says that). I still can’t forgive myself. You see, I should have seen the warning signs – 5 years earlier I was a survivor of domestic violence ( a single isolated incident that caused me to flee for my life), so I should have seen the red flags. But, I didn’t.
People shy away when I mention my divorce. They think I must just be bitter at my ex-husband, when there’s SO much more to it. I was overwhelmed and went outside crying at work recently, and a co-worker tried to comfort me. He meant well. “Life’s about change, Imarriedit. Nobody gets married expecting to end up divorced but changr happens. That’s life.”
I said change is when you get in an accident and wreck your car, or you get laid off, or break your leg and miss work. We were targeted for fraud. It was deliberate! Our marriage contract and vows exchanged was a fraud. When my husband joined dating sites on purpose, met people for sex on purpose, it was fraud. If we get ripped off in other ways, we have recourse. When we say someone was a conman who deceived and defrauded us to enter into a marriage contract, we get the deer in the headlights look.
We truly need support chapters so we can make new friends who get it.
Hi Imarriedit. I am new to this site, but simply had to comment on your post, as it is a mirror image of what I too have gone through. I don’t have the money for the divorce yet, but we have been separated for over a year (I cut off all contact and moved to another state). I’m so sorry for what you have been through and really was struck at the similarity to my situation. My soon-to-be ex (I will just call him ex, as its better for me that way) stole nearly everything, cost me 2 jobs, 3 apartments and 2 cars. He, too snuck around, put himself out there on dating sites, my shock of all shocks was that he also was seeking men and transvestites. He was leading a complete double life, with no remorse. He also surrounded himself with dangerous people and was an addict. To this day I struggle with anxiety and have a complete inability to trust people or relax and think that life will be ok. I am always waiting for the proverbial “other shoe to drop”.
Either way, I just wanted to respond and let you know you are not alone, others out there know exactly what this feels like. I wish you the best and hope you can heal.