While in the height of conflict with psychopaths or those with psychopathic features, sometimes, we scare people. I don’t mean Halloween “scary costume” scary. I don’t mean “things that go bump in the night” scary. No, I mean “take a look at yourself” scary. There are those around us who will see us go through what we do, and back away, simply because they realize that what we are experiencing or have experienced is just too strange and horrible to handle.
Maybe they don’t understand. Maybe they don’t know what to say to us, as this is a special type of trauma. Often, some of us give others a “pass” for those reasons. That is perfectly understandable. However, I believe that there are those who do know and understand, yet still choose to bury their heads.
Why are there those with such feelings of trepidation? If they become involved, even with only the minor facts of our stories, they may be forced to face the possibility that they could be in our positions at some point in time. It may be too unpleasant for them to imagine. No one is immune to these experiences and the thought of our plights becoming theirs may be overwhelming. Some may feel that is best to pretend as though this could not occur in their worlds.
How will we know?
We should not expect those around us to come out and express their fears. It is possible that they are not even consciously aware of their feelings, actions or responses. Nonetheless, if they are, in fact, afraid, it becomes clear before long, even though initially we may misinterpret that fear as something else.
What will they do?
They may pull away, be unwilling or unable to listen, or attempt to make light of our feelings on the matter. They may suggest that we are not feeling the feelings we say we are or that we need to “get over it” and move on, offering little support.
What should we do?
While moving forward is important, it is a gradual process and will come in time. If we encounter those who think this way, we should try our hardest not to internalize what they do or say, or in many cases, fail to say. This is very important because we should not take on any more unnecessary burden. It’s not healthy or helpful. We do not need to process their baggage in addition to that with which the sociopath has left us.
It may hurt at first because it is unpleasant and frustrating, but in the end, as with much of the rest of the issues that surround these experiences, their reactions may turn out to be a gift. As we grow and become whole again, we usually come to see the people who reacted in this manner very differently. We may no longer like what we see. We may come to see them as very “go along to get along,” and lose respect, because it is hard to respect those who stands for nothing. We may come to realize that these relationships were littered with conditions. The most important one being the demand for silence in our times of need.
As we recover
With recovery should also come some form of a rebirth, where we emerge better than we were before. As I have said before, we may sometimes need to leave our old methods of quantifying “better” behind. This may not materialize in the traditional sense. For example, if stripped financially, we may never be where we would have been under different circumstances. If faced to choose different career avenues, we may never achieve a level we once dreamed of. In truth, the scars the psychopaths may be very deep. However, that is not to say that once we do redefine, that we cannot find happiness and satisfaction. We can. Further, when we have little to lose, we may be willing to take some risks that go completely against our grains, but are sometimes necessary to excel. What this means is highly individual.
In the process, we may benefit greatly from purging ourselves of the negative relationships, that surprisingly are not just attached to the psychopaths or individuals with psychopathic features who are or were in our lives. We may need to take this action with those we “scare.” We can only control our actions, so we must act in ways that benefit our health and well being. With that, we will have energy for those who do matter.
In time, some may end up wishing they had handled things differently. Many won’t be phased either way. But maybe if they had, they would have learned a thing or two about their own strengths. However, they chose their safety nets of silence, demonstrating only their weaknesses.
I recently saw an inspirational quote that stated, “hard times reveal true friends.” That could not be more right on. Real friends do not scare easily, they walk with us through this time as best they can. Those who won’t, may not deserve to walk with us in our good times either. These experiences give us the opportunity to see the difference in a world where sometimes things get murky. Good luck out there!
Welcome thejb!
Lovefraud has proved to be a blessing for us as we search for understanding and needed support!So glad you found us!Keep reading and posting!
Hi Blossom, thanks for your kind words! I am reading so many stories here that mirror my own story in so many ways.
hi thejb,
thank you so much for your comments…..i too wanted to say i feel deeply for what you have gone through……and you like you said too…you are not alone……you will find wonderful people here who truely understand…..i read what you wrote about what you went through with your ex and im so sorry….and i read how it has effected you…..i wanted to say what you are feeling is perfectly normal………..what you have experienced is a wound to you soul and a trauma like no other and this will take time to heal……..it has been 3 years since my relationship ended…my councellor once told me..if your walking through hell,just keep walking………and it seems we have walked through hell…….thejb……….i reasonate with you wishing i could unknow what i know and go back to being naive….and yes like you said i agree that this experience has also changed how i see people….just take it one day at a time and be gentle on yourself…..you have been through so much….i wish you healing and much light and blessings as you heal.
blossom4th…….you are such a wise soul…i read your posts alot and find great insight……x
im not on any meds for the ptsd……….in the first year after my relationship ended..i had a breakdown and i was put on anti-depressants and anxiety medication….the first anti-depressant didnt sit well with me,i felt very ill on it and had bad side effects…and then the next one was ok but again side effects…..and if i forgot to take them or ran out i endured the terrible sickness from withdrawal……i just didnt want to go through it anymore and asked my doctor to take me off them…..so it took 6 months to wean me off them…it was hard….and i felt ill alot of the time but i got off them…..i wanted to feel full force the depression and pain of what i was going through..i wanted to know which was real and not real….i didnt want to be numb anymore……i know i have probably not done myself any favours….and at times over the past year i probably should have been in a hospital as i completely lost my sence of reality…at times i was so irritable i would just fly off the handle and into rages of intense anger and emotion ….inside i was so angry…so hurt……….my sense of reality had been taken away from me….what i once believed as real was all lies and i couldnt come to terms with any of it…it almost destroyed me…………but i endured all the intense depression…anxiety…..panic attacks and deep inner turmoil cause its part of going through hell i guess….and im still here……i dont have as many bad days as i did………..i self imposed isolation on myself cause i knew i wasnt well emotionally….i knew i couldnt be around anyone…..i knew i need to have time alone to fathom out what had happened in my life….make sense of it……….after new year passed my ex once again kept telling me that there would never ever be any going back to a relationship for us and that she wanted us to be friends…………..well after that…….that is when i truely knew i couldnt heal if she was in my life and i had to cut contact…..cause if she was my friend she never would have deceived me and lied to me and used me for so long…..a true friend cares about your wellbeing and would never intentionally hurt you…..my ex is a pathological liar and i cant be around her….all she wanted to do was use me.and i could nt believe a single word that come out of her mouth……….omg that is so alien to me………i cant get past it………i cant understand it ever………………..im still so numb……….like you said blommom4th about a fantasy…….it was…………..i remember thinking when i met her…..she was the best friend i had waited my whole life for……….i pictured her as this beautiful rose in the centre of my garden and i would tend her care with everything in me…and i did….i nurtured her,watered her……gave her everything i had and she took it……….i used to gaze apon the beauty of this rose in my garden and think how lucky i was……..but all the while she was draining my life…..taking everything emotionally from me and damaging me beyond repair……..just like the anology of the parasite who bleeds you dry and then drops off….now i see..that rose was beautiful to the eye but beneath it was plastic……….a fake……….a false self,she represented to me someone i had dreamed of….but behind it all she was a wolf in sheeps clothing….a dark shadow that has taken my very belief in life and human kindness away…..leaving me fearful of life and especially of being hurt again….
no one will ever hurt me like that again……….i swear to protect myself at all costs.
i had a good day all day today but then got upset so easily again tonight when i spoke to someone i know when they started talking about emotional stuff….i just cant handle any stress or emotions……..i hate being like this..im sick of it……….i want to be my old self again….i hate my ex for what she did to me…….for the horrible wound she inflicted apon me………..but im determined i will fight to get better or dy trying.
also regards why some people are scared of us….i think they are scared of the unknown…….scared cause they dont know what to say,scared cause they dont want to think that things like that happen…….scared cause they think it might effect them…..scared cause its dark and evil and no one knows how to deal with that …..
now when people ask me how i am…i just smile and say im doing fine…because they just dont understand they think i should just move on or then they ask me have i met anyone else…oh yea like its that easy to ever trust another person……but inside its a constant battle to recover.
Lifting the Veil, thank you so very much for your kind words. I am so very sorry for all that you have been through as well, it brought tears to my eyes, reading your above-post. I can identify with so much of the emotion you have gone through, I still am going through anxiety/ptsd/depression – a pretty deep depression actually. I don’t know how to feel happy or rather content, anymore. I, too, have isolated for the same reasons, I will never allow myself to be hurt again. Also, I too, cannot handle a lot of stress, and unfortunately in my family that is a constant. I am learning new boundaries though. For instance I have an extremely toxic younger sibling, I believe actually that he is either NPD or borderline sociopath, and I have discussed this with my mother. He has been kicking off as of late (this happens in between the usual 8 or so year stretches when he is not talking to me) with no regard to what I have been through. He even went so far as to call me a loser for the choice I made in marrying my soon-to-be ex. I have learned that the stress manifests itself miserably in me, so I have now taken measures to completely cut him off as well. It is about my sanity now, not someone else’s ego. One of the bad side effects I am struggling with is a lack of concentration. I don’t know if anyone else has gone through that, but sometimes I simply cannot focus on my job or on any one thought, and my memory is horrible as of late.
Either way, I don’t want to ramble on, thank you again for your kind words. I am really sorry for the pain you have experienced. You are absolutely correct in that this is a wound to the soul. I wish you much healing and comfort.
thejb,
I know what you’re referring to…not being able to concentrate,or handle stress well and feeling ‘out of sorts’.
This does get better as time goes by.We all need time to ourselves,but don’t make it ALL THE TIME except worktime.The things that helped me was to listen to soothing music,read and work puzzles.Do things you enjoyed doing pre-spath.If you can find atleast one understanding friend,try to socialize some by shopping,going to the movies or dining out occasionally.
lifting the veil,
I’m sorry you had reactions with all your medications.I remember feeling ‘scared stiff’ to try AD that one of my Drs prescribed.I still have the packet stuffed in a drawer from a few yrs ago,to remind me of that time.A time when I needed help but was too scared to accept it!
The med I’m now taking doesn’t affect me in any way except to make me feel calm instead of stressed out.I don’t feel like a zombie.If I did I wouldn’t take it!I do have to be careful of TOO MUCH STRESS OR PAIN.So the med is helpful.
Your analogy of a beautiful rose in a garden that you tended with love,is a good one!The parasite just happened to be curled up under one of it’s leaves,and while you were busy,you didn’t notice you were being drained of your lifeblood….actually that it what happened to ALL OF US!!!
This article is so on target. Lillian, I could really see myself in your story. I never thought I would be unable to work and here I am living under poverty level.
My nuclear family hasn’t just been afraid. A couple of them are narcissistic spaths and actually enjoy what has happened to me. When I told my mother that I had found out that my newly rediscovered friend had cheated on me the first time we were together for six years, she said, “No wonder!” What kind of mother would say that? An NPD one. When both of my husbands and a boyfriend hit me and I called my Dad, he told all three that I was too difficult to get along with (Interpretation: She is strong and independent and I could not beat it out of her during her childhood), but not to hit me. What kind of father would say that? An NPD one. How could I have possibly known what I was choosing or letting choose me when it was time for intimate relationships or friendships?
I wish so badly there was a spath-anon like Al-Anon is for the people who are involved with Alcolholics. A place to gather and know we are safe and we already know each others horrific stories because we have lived them. I can’t even find a normal PTSD group in the large city close to me. Only for Veterans and I have been through a situation at work that was pretty bad as far as national security while married to and living with and being in a family of spaths. They were sympathetic, but only Veterans could attend. The Domestic Violence groups can be very helpful because a lot of the abusive partners are spaths. I can recommend it, but I did it a long time ago. It helped me then, but I still went out and ended up with two more over the years.
I am extremely isolated. Too isolated. Where would I go? What would I say? “Hi, I have PTSD, am on disability, have to rent an apt to an ex-boyfriend who is Jekyl and Hyde, I have Major Depressive Disorder, but the medication causes TMJ because I grind my teeth because I was a whistleblower and I have nightmares and I cry all of the time, except for when I hold it in and then have panic attacks. Want to be friends?” I feel safe here for now and am extremely grateful for it. Maybe I will go back to Al-Anon one day, but I can’t take the religion in my part of the country that has taken it over. The same religion as spath number one whom I have finally ended it with tonight.
Good article. Very good article. It seems like we are all the types who take care of the people who get into situations like we have and then when it’s time for reciprocation, they are long gone or stabbing us in the back.
fight,
I am sorry for the lack of family support and the feelings of isolation that you’re feeling.I care.((( Hugs )))
Fight-
You’ve raised a great point about having “Spath Recovery Groups!” Fuel for thought!
At times, having a theraputic support group can significantly bolster your need for validation, particularly, because friends and family can’t always be counted on when it comes to falling prey to a predator.
In addition to all the reasons that have already been stated about the fears that may deter friends and family from being supportive, there is yet another reason for this conduct. Just as you were fooled by the predator, so might they have been as well. Depending on their own ego, they may or may not want to be disavowed of their belief.
Changing the impression of another person is a process. The first stage of that process is often anger- not at the perpetrator, but at the victim. When enlightened that someone they don’t suspect of wrongdoing might be harmful, they may react with loyalty toward that person and disbelief or dismissive behavior toward what you say.
The harmful things people say to you as you go through your journey toward recovery could reflect a lack of empathy or caring on their part. While you may have relied on their comfort and love previously, you may never have presented an issue where they needed to channel real love or compassion for you in the past.
So remember, the negative energy your hurled can be the first step toward changing their awareness. And unless or until it changes, find others who can give you the emotional support you need.
Some large hospitals have mental health clinics at low or no cost. You might contact them and see if they have a support group that would help you.
Many of us have been harmed by an action known as rape-by-fraud and/or emotional rape. Although we don’t bare the bodily scars that are usually associated with rape, we are fraught with the emotional ones. If this is the case for you, see what treatment they provide for rape victims.
Wishing you all the best on your road to recovery-
Joyce
Fight: Thanks for your response. It is helpful to have someone say out loud that they relate. I pretty much have one friend left. I don’t know where (I mean why or how he appeared as I see him as a blessing) he came from but I met him 2 years ago shortly after the spath left (1 yr). I met him during a time when I was faking my spath recovery every day. I was medicating with prescription meds, street drugs and alcohol so I looked normal. I looked good in fact. I do still take an antidepressent and thyroid but not regularly as I can’t afford it. I know when I have to because I start sleeping all the time and become sobbingly depressed. So I’ll take them for a couple days on and then a couple off to conserve them. He was and is still unaware I was doing the street crud which I don’t do anymore. He drinks some wine but has never been drunk or done an illegal drug in his life. He rarely even takes aspirin. He works very hard and appears to be as honest as I’ve seen.
I still had my house when we met which had all the trappings of a successful person. But he never new me in my successful days. Now that I’m living in a garage that I’m losing because I can’t afford even it he is still here. He knows the story and has witnessed the abandonment one by one of my remaining family and friends. Periodically I push him away with a big shove just to see if he’ll go. He hasn’t yet. I’ve even shared some of my postings on here with him and he seeks to understand but I know he doesn’t. He isn’t overwhelmed. He set’s some boundaries when I go spiraling down too far and goes quiet until I reach out but will always respond immediately.
He brings food when he comes, gets me out now and again, offers to feed me if we’re in a cafe. He takes me to the grocery and insists on buying. He has provided some money and does not consider me indebted to him in any way. He asks for nothing really but for me not to give up. To go get a job. To keep trying. I am the needy one in this relationship. I loathe the role. But I’m learning a little bit about myself and how I was always the giving one no questions asked and expecting little in return.
He get’s discouraged and tells me sometimes he hasn’t anything to say because he doesn’t want to make it worse or he thinks I don’t listen. I do listen and when I defend why I am behaving in such defeatist ways he thinks I’m disagreeing but I’m not I’m simply trying to explain. To have someone understand. He says he understands part of it but he can’t know what it’s like. I know I didn’t until I found myself here.
He’s is out of town on business (he’s in the film industry) right now but before he left I talked to him about people being scared of people like me. He told me he wasn’t scared it’s that there is only so much a person can do to help. He’s right of course but I immediately read that as he’s going to disappear too. But what he was saying was I have to get up and get going. That was something I never had a problem with before the spath but he doesn’t know that. My problem is I just can’t get going again. I’ll get out and interview and no one will hire me. I go back to bed again for about a month and then I get up again and same thing. No one can go out and get a job for me I know that but I’m so traumatized I can’t seem to face it either.
With regard to therapy (I no longer have health insurance) I went and found a pretty good therapist who had lived through the effects both personally and on her patients of 9/11. We did a lot of work a few years ago now and she said I was ready. There wasn’t anything more for her to do for me. It was up to me and that I know what to do. And I do. I was always self reliant, never wanted for a job for 25 years and took care of everyone else in my life.
I just can’t seem to do it. I am catatonic. I am frozen with anger, fear, confusion, guilt and grief. It is up to me and I just don’t seem to be up to it. Lovefraud seems to be the only place to turn for understanding and it helps. Little by little. And I’ll take anything I can get. Love Lillian
Fight: On a lighter note your description of your personal introduction made me laugh. Talk about relatable. But what do we do? I have tried being straightforward and upfront like that with mixed reactions. I see it as a way to cut to the chase. I’d rather start with the end in mind. I mean that if once they find out they are going to leave anyway I would rather not waste the time. When I don’t begin like that they spot something off anyway and keep their distance.
So yes, I am looking for a friend who has PTSD, is on disability, depressed but doing what they have to in order to survive so they an teach me how to do that. I grind my teeth at night (always have) so it’s okay if they grind to. Someone who calls out the wrongs of the world even if it puts their livelihood in jeopardy, dreams anything at all as I no longer dream and knows what it’s like to be overwhelmed by a grief so profound they sob relentlessly when they are alone. Someone who wants to overcome anxiety because I took up crossword puzzles in order to cope via distraction. Want to be friends?
Hi Lillian, I am just now catching up on some of these articles. I wanted to tell you that many drug companies will give you medication if you don’t have insurance. I can’t remember the organization that handles this, but you can find out the Pharmaceutical company that sells both of your medications and contact them. I know that Wal-Mart offers 30 days supplies of generic thyroid medication for very cheap. It used to be on their $4 list, but I don’t know if they’re doing that any more.
I hope your friend is a good one. I’ve found that they need to be watched for six months before I can really tell a thing. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s “Mindfulness for Depression” has helped me to a degree. Of course, as I looked through all the comments to the article, I started thinking that maybe being at home and safe all alone watching movies is a great thing! Maybe the kind of friends I find are overrated! This subject is very important. Family and friends abandon us very easily when we become ill….no matter how much we have done for them. Of course, that lack of boundaries and inability to love ourselves well is the reason the spath glommed onto us in the first place. Fight the shame. WE are here and we count.
Lillian, I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I am here, lurking mostly. VERY Busy with my own shiat right now. Coping. Taking antidepressant medications in that manner is not helpful as they must be taken regularly to be effective. See if you can find a free clinic to provide them, or apply for medicaid. call a shelter. see if you can find some group counseling. don’t give up. contact me directly at oxdrover 1946 @....... g mail dot com. Love Oxy
Lillian-
I know how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other when you’re in the depths of despair. I can absolutely relate to what you’re going through.
Here are a couple of things that I think might help:
Contact the Rape and Incest National Network, RAINN. Take a look at their website. It will give you advice regarding the hospitals that provide free and low-cost mental health clinics in your area.
Take your anti-depressants on a regular basis. Don’t self-medicate. There are good medications that won’t knock you out or make you feel like you’re in la-la land. They will simply help you from falling into the trough. If you qualify for a mental health clinic, you will likely qualify for their free or low-cost medication.
Do good things for yourself that you enjoy and that bolsters your spirit. If you can’t think of anything that would bring joy back into your heart, do some volunteer work for a soup kitchen or other service.
Any activity, even a brisk walk, will produce endorfins that promote a sense of wellness. The more vigorous the exercise, the greater the benefit.
You need to start treating yourself like you treat the other folks you supported in your life. You need to value yourself and talk to yourself in a positive way.
You seem to have reached a point where you think your friends are bailing on you because you haven’t gotten it together. Here’s a step I’d try….
Give yourself a time limit for the loss and grief you feel. And make it later in the day. If you are ruminating over your problems in the morning, force yourself outside for a brisk walk knowing that you’ll allow yourself to return to those feelings at a specific time in the afternoon. You need to be able to take control of your sadness and relegate it to a corner of your life. As you progress, you’ll be able to make that time-frame smaller and smaller.
Let us know how you’re coming along. We’ve been there and we care.
Joyce
Escaping from an unhealthy relationship brings many other factors in your life into focus. Your family of origin, your job, your children and your friends.
Take a closer look. If you were living with “crazy” for any length of time, chances are that you had managed to also be surrounded by “crazy”.
Crazy being living in a world that when looked at closely, makes no sense whatsoever. It’s a world of make believe and more importantly, denial.
Denial is a powerful word. Denial is a survival tool for human beings. It allows us to cope with painful people and situations. It is a vital human emotion to prevent harm. Denial is not a “forever” protector however, someday you will need to pay the debt.
After my marriage broke up two years ago, I spent many months doing research and reading books about psychopathy. I know more about Cluster B personality disorders than most therapists and despite what Robert Hare says that he cannot recognize a “psychopath” – I say baloney. No, you cannot recognize them by their looks, but give me an hour with one and I can give you strong reasons to suspect this person is disordered.
My divorce changed my life, my work, and my friendships. My sister and I no longer speak to each other. Well, sometimes. Maybe once or twice a year. We were never really very close because we are polar opposites. She also married a psychopath and one of the most evil men I have ever known. Our family always knew he was “mean”, but he provided for her and their children over the years.
In the end he walked out of the 25 year old marriage just as mine did and left my sister in an emotional pile of broken dreams and promises on the curb.
I shared the family secret. Many of my friends are uncomfortable around me. They don’t want to break their cycle of denial in their own life – they want to continue to live in their dream world of baked cookies and pretty flowers.
Becoming a healthy human being in today’s world takes courage. Becoming a person that stands up for yourself AND the rights of other men and women around you takes courage.
I am proud of the woman that I have become and if this means fewer friends than so be it. Peace.
Hope,
You so right on. And after living with a psychopath denial can be as crazymaking as the psychopathic antics. I have lost most of my family to this denial. With co-workers and aquaintances it is easy to just let the denial go but when family turns on you for waking up the hurt is felt like total rejection.
I stood with both of my sisters through their psycopath almost destroying their lives and neither would admit that they were psychopaths. They also continued to minimize the psychopath in my life that I got away from until he used my daughter to turn my sisters against me.
A conspiracy of denial and secrecy developed where I was left out, demined and sccapegoated until I burned my bridges with them.
This is such an important topic! I am so glad the author has written about this, and helps to put into words my reactions to people in my life when I was involved with a sociopath aka predator.
Going back decades, to a past fiance, I think the saddest day in my life at the time was when he arranged a get together for all of my friends who we had mutual involvement with, excluding me as I had dumped him, and I walked by seeing everyone’s car parked in front of his place. I could only imagine what he was doing to spew poison about me. But, I also remember that day as an empowering day, as I took a long walk at the beach and felt a sense of inner peace. I was also reading a book celebrating solitude. So, yes, there is the potential of empowerment in situations like this. The friendships in this situation went back and forth for awhile, but did gradually fade away. So did the therapist I decided to see. I talked to her about the stalking, hang up calls, how he would walk down the hall of my apartment and whisper “sicko, sicko” loudly in front of my door (we lived in the same apartment building for awhile), and created situations where the apartment manager, who was, at the time, a mutual friend, would end up at my door about some nonsense and all his other antics. When he did a power maneuver to become manager of the apartment building, I hired movers to show up at 11:00 PM to move out. What I finally figured out with the therapist was that she never really believed that the crazy things happened, and that they were part of some delusional system in me. She even asked me if I was stoned at sessions. Sheesh! That was also a rude awakening, and another loss of trust. So, I had to end that so-called support as well. But, decades ago, there was a gift in all of this. I found my spiritual path, and started living life in a new way, with new people in my life.
In work situations, the potential and need for denial seems rampant where sociopathy exists. I still see a friend from my recent situation, and have discussed my concerns about the manager’s pathology, but the best she can admit to is that she is “wacky.” Understanding her need to survive in this situation, I simply limit conversation in this area. But, again, there is always a gift, and in this situation of being fired by her, and having difficulty finding new employment, and much soul searching, I am going into a new career direction, something this hurtful situation has almost forced me to do.
Its just so unfortunate that the sociopath has this fine-tuned ability to poison relationships, affect others’ thinking, and cause us to lose sources of support in our lives when we think we need them the most. But, some relationships need to be ended and there is always a gift. Better to be surrounded with your own truth, than to have to try to convince others the truth is truth and someone you mutually know is really a fraud and operating at a level that is unlike mine or their level. If someone does not “get” it, it is unlikely they will, no matter what additional time and effort one puts into explaining sociopaths.
Where a month ago, I was still reeling from being fired by the sociopath and thoughts of career loss, I am moving forward, applying to a college for a distance program to start a new career, and have reevaluated many people and things in my life. Yes, it is lonely at times, but I need to be true to myself and trust my perceptions.
Never had I felt so alone after the realization of what happened to me…….I was isolated anyways because thats what the abuser did to me, I “chose” him over everyone else……some had an idea what was going on but they didnt know the depth, I tried to explain what happened and what I was going thru but it was so painstakingly Difficult/Frustrating I could barely grasp it myself, so I finally shut down and joined some online groups, the best choice for me, I was surrounded with like minded women that supported and loved me, I dont know where I would be without them!!! It is still difficult to talk about and I ocassionally break down in tears ……I am recovering, I hadnt talked to him in approximately a year, then he started calling, I finally talked to him to see how I would react, I know 500% I am OVER him, I see him clearly for what he always was and he actually tried to worm his way back in, he was just trying to warm up to me for another round of using me!!! Didnt happen, I ignored him….. This might not have been something others would have done but I knew in my gut I had to find out my feelings for him!!! Done Over Disgust Yuck!!! I still have NO desire to date or even really meet men, I am trying to just “get out there” around people but my radar is really keen so far……. He will NEVER get my power again!!! Thank you Lovefraud for all your help also!!!
This is a good time to re-post my letter from 5 years ago.As you will read, many friends and neighbors did not want to hear the truth…
ORIGINAL LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD ”“ EARLY 2008
I apologize, in advance, for the length of this missive and any redundancies you may find. Before I begin, like so many others, I must say that finding this web site has been very helpful. I am not sure that this is the right “place” in the blog to post (for the first time) my feelings and experience. I have found that every area has a little piece of me and my story. I feel a sence of empathy and angst from most of the stuff I have read. It is a wonderful outlet.
“People do not get it— “Rumination is not easy to get over—”Hard learned truths—”I cannot talk to most people about this—”How do I forgive (& forget)” etc. ”“they all ring true with me.
However, I have not found one to be like mine. In fact, both of the marriage counselors that attempted the “emergency, triage, rescue” of our marriage said: “Yours is, undoubtedly, one of the very meanest and cruelest (and sad) cases we have ever dealt with.” These 2 doctors had a, combined, 60 years of marriage counseling experience between them. They were not prone to hyperbole. I realize this is not a contest ”“ I just seek opinion and empathy and fellowship ”“ just like everyone else. I have inferred that a majority of the contributors are women. I am a man. Also, what my spouse did to me and our 3 children was sudden — no, previous,years of psychotic behaviour. But wait”
What happened to me has made the papers in our city because of my ex-wife’s bizzare behaviour. I apologize for the length that I think is about to spew out of me. I will try to give the, “Cliff Notes” version to keep it as short as possible. I also ask that you accept what I say here at face value. It is so bizzare and freaky that I, literally, would have bet my right hand if someone would have predicted what my ex-wife did begininning in July, 2006. Even writing this is difficult. It is something out of a Franz Kafka novel.
I married “Sherri” in 1998. She had 2 children, a 4 year old boy & an 8 year old girl. I also had an 8 year old daughter and instant step siblings were created. It was a fantastic family and a fantastic marriage; I loved her and she loved me deeply. By every estimate and every opinion of,virtually, everyone — Ours was considered to be a strong, loving, giving marriage and we were best friends and lovers. She would have walked on glass for me and vice versa. I raised her boy and girl as mine and she was step-mother to my daughter as well. The two step-sisters were inseperable and shared the same bed and went to school together for 10 years ”“ graduating in 2007. I had brought “Sherri” into our small, affluent community. I had lived in another home here with my first spouse. I introduced her to the community and she was welcomed and became part of the community. We travelled around the world and she only had to work if she chose to. That was 25% of the time. I always earned enough to support us in a comfortable life style.
Then it all happened:
November of 2005 I had to (suddenly) begin chemo ”“ for 52 weeks. Fortunately I had a very lucrative disability policy which allowed us to live in our beautiful home and not go bankrupt.
Sherri was also working at that time and travelling (in the company car) over a 4 state sales region. She was gone 3 to 5 days a week and never had to be my caretaker while I was on my back during chemo. She was earnng $85,000 annually at this time.
June of 2006 she came home at 10:00a.m., in her company car, and found me in the bathroom ”“ vomiting from that day’s chemo treatment and announced: “I just quit my job and have met a man (28 year old tatoo artist- she’s 46) at a bar 2 days ago that I love and I tried to steal $28,000 from our bank account — but they stopped me.” Something was obviously wrong.
As part of my chemo treatment, I was seeing a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist — they routinely prescribed the, anti depressants that chemo neccessitate. They also provided counseling on a weekly basis as part of my insurer’s, “Chemo Management Plan.” They had known me very well by this point and asked that I bring Sherri in to see them — immediately. After 14 visits (several with both Doctors in the same room) over a 10 day time span, Sherri was diagnosed as having the following:
“Sudden onset bi-polar ”“ with a personality disorder, with metalogical to pathological tendencies as well as being a narcissipath” They suggested that, with proper medication and therapy she could, quite possibly, come back into the real world. It was not to be. She went into total denial, declared that there was nothing wrong and would not need any treatment of any kind. When told that they were advising me to divorce her as I could not fight cancer and her simultaneously, she replied, “I don’t give a F***!” A cub scout den mother and social committee volunteer! At this point I had lost 42 pounds from the chemo. At times my health was so fragile that it was really touch and go. I sure could have used her support then ”“ but it was not be. It was the exact opposite. The battle plans of a crazed woman were launched. What she did (in comparison to her, life long, behaviour) is so beyond normal experince I can barely describe it.
She began drinking, doing drugs and staying out all night. I would get the (3) children off to school ”“ and she would be gone for 2 days! Remember, I was on chemo at this time! When I asked her, “Did you think you were going to quit your job, live off of my disability check and have an affair with this 28 year old?” She answered, “Yes, yes I do.” A week later I filed for divorce.
After filing for divorce, I rented her a home 1 block away from ours so she could move there with her kids and they could finish the school year. The 28 year old boyfriend moved into her rental home that very same day! Imagine, my step-children had a complete stranger “replace” me on day one! I did not realize she would (in October, 2007) marry the 28 year old and buy the home. That is correct, she lives 1 block away with the (unemployed) tatoo artist in our tiny, gated, community. I am forced to see them daily.
2 weeks after moving out of my home, she snuck over and stole my 2 dogs. I let her take 99% of the furnishings; I was in a big, empty, house by myself. We had agreed upon separating that I would kep the dogs; she reneged and announced, “I have changed my mind.”
She stopped all communication between her 2 kids and myself. I have not seen nor spoken to them in 2 years. She stopped all communication with my daughter (“Sherri” was her step-mother for 10 years)! When I told her that “Rachel” missed her and was hurt and puzzled that Sherri went incommunicado, Sherri replied, “F*** Rachel!” When the psychologist suggested that the children not be used as “Pawns” — Sherri replied, “They are my pawns to use as I like.”
But it got worse — much worse.
Shortly after separating and moving one block away, it became known that Sherri had asked her boyfriend to put a “hit” on me. Yes, she was caught (via e-mails) of hiring someone to kill me. When we went to court, the judge yawned, acted annoyed and refused to do anything other than issue a restraining order which read (in part): “Sherri shall not engage in threatening conversations nor share private information with others (regarding her husband)” That is it! Nothing more. Sherri dramatically ripped the restraining order to pieces in the, courthouse, parking lot and said to me and my attorney, “F*** you.”
Then the lies, defamation, slander and character assasination began in ernest. Over the course of the next 15 months, Sherri worked earnestly at telling every neighbor, friend or aquaintance the following:
1) Ken was diagnosed with: “Sudden onset bi-polar ”“ with a personality disorder, with metalogical to pathological tendencies” (BTW, the psychologist predicted she might do this ”“ claim that I had the very same mental disorder she was diagnosed as having).
2) Ken is a, Mafia, hitman (I am in the financial sevices industry).
3) She and her children had to seek shelter at the center for battered women.
4) Ken is a (CIA like) computer hacker that traced and tracked anybody’s phone calls or e-mail messages at will.
5) Ken is not on chemo, he is away at (heroin) re-hab in Phoenix Arizona.
6) She told neighbors that if they did (financial planning) business with me, that I would steal their personal identity information and purchase homes around the U.S with their credit.
Incredibly, there were a few neighbors and friends that actually believed her story. As absurd as it sounds and contrary to everything they knew about me for 15+ years — I learned that there are “friends” in this world that prefer “dirt” to the truth. To say she cleaved our small community would be an understatement.
After 6 months of this, and many letters from my attorneys asking that she cease and desisit spreading lies — we had to haul her back into court. Once again, the judge took no real action. He issued another restraining order which said (in part): “Sherri shall stop spreading lies about Ken.” That is all. He never did seem to care and had an attitude of disdain. She also tore that restraining order to shreds in the parking lot of the courthouse and said to me and my attorney, “F*** you.”
Remember, I was still on Chemo at this point, spending what ultimately turned out to be $22,000 in attorney’s bills (just for myself). I was extremely week and had neither the will nor the strength to go out and “counter” her lies.
In January 2007, I took an 18 day trip to Costa Rica. The chemo had ended 60 days earlier (it worked ”“ I am alive and healthy). Upon returning, I had a sherriff knock on my door and hand me a document stating I had to be in court the next morning (January 19, 2007) at 8:00a.m. for an, “Emergency ex-parte stalking / abuse / restraining hearing” Sherri, in her own handwriting, went to the courthouse and swore out a complaint stating that I had come to her home on 6, different, occasions. Specifically, January 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th, 12th and the 15th. When we went to court, my passport and airline tickets showed that I was near the equator (in Costa Rica) from December 30th (2006) to January 17th (2007). Obviously, everything that Sherri claimed was a total lie. The judge did not grant her the (stalking) order. When my attorney asked that she be held in contempt of court for blatantly lying ”“ the judge said “No.” When my attorney’s asked that my legal fees be paid by Sherri due to her, obvious, lies and the time wasted in court — the judge said, “No.” BTW, men getting shafted in court vis a vis divorce — is par for the course in my state. In the parking lot of the courthouse she, once agan, screamed “F*** you.”
Oh, have I stated that she went completely, 100%, incommunicado since the day she moved out. She has only spoken to me once. And, as I said earlier, Sherri cut off all communication between me and the children. She also forbade her kids from speaking with my daughter — their step-sibling of a decade. That is just, plain, cruel.
The divorce was finalized in, August, 2007. But the pathological lying continued, unabated. Finally, I had no choice but to file a libel / defamation & slander lawsuit against my ex-wife — and her homeowners insurance company (under the, liability, portion) Farmers Insurance. In March of this year they paid me a large amount of money($65,000) to drop the case. She also had to sign a letter allocuting to all of her lies and had to give me the two dogs back (which she had stolen 18 months earlier).
It would be so much easier if I had 10+ years of an awful marriage; this simply would have been the end of a bad thing. But, that was not the case; we had nothing but great times and true love. THAT IS WHAT MAKES THIS SO HARD. It was sudden, unexpected and so very violent in her utter silence and going incommunicado.
10 days prior to her “personality disorder” surfacing, Sheri gave me a card in which she had written the following words: “If God were sitting next to me now I would thank him for sending you to me. You have been a wonderful husband and the most perfect (step) father I could have ever wished for my kids.” This type of letter from her was quite common and I felt the same way. When we were talking to the psychologist, he asked: “Sherri, 10 days ago you wrote these words to Ken. What happened in the intervening 10 days?” She could not answer; she would just stare out of the window and say, “are we done yet?”
And all of you are correct, nobody wants to hear about this. Most people say, “”just get over it.” Or, “after 2 years, are you still talking about this shit?” Or, “I can’t believe that; there are always 3 sides to a divorce, his side, her side and the truth.”
I never got to tell ’em my side. I never got closure.
The Doctor’s called the multiple traumas I experienced, “Shakespaerean trauma.” I guess because it was so sudden and dramatic:
1) I was extremely ill and on chemo.
2) My spouse became (mentally) ill.
3) We were forced to divorce and our family destroyed.
4) When the chemo ended ”“ I was unemployed; my job had been eliminated.
5) My $400,000 home cracked in two pieces ”“ literally. The dirt shifted and my home split in two. Insurance does not cover this damage and I had to come up with $25,000 for emergency repairs.
6) During this 24 month nightmare, I had 16 (yes 16) close friends, neighbors and relatives die; I was a pallbearer at 9 of the funerals.
Six, major, traumas hit over a short period of time and I survived. Both psychologists said that there was one piece of good news. I, they said, am an “extremely strong” individual. They have had patient’s suffer nervous breakdowns and become hospitalized — who had less trauma than me.
That is my story.
January 2008
The followup letter two years later:
Lovefraud, I think this is a good time to revisit the site and update everyone about what has occurred to me recently (nearly 5 years after leaving my ex-wife). I have included my original post below (from early 2008) which will allow anyone read about the nightmare that I endured ”“ at the hands of my wife. Recently, her lies and insanity have reached out to sting me again!
Recently, I applied for life insurance. I was summarily turned down due to “private information found in your doctor’s records. “What private information I wondered?” I asked for copies and learned that, 5 to 7 years ago, my ex stole my “medical identity” ”“ and my insurance card. She let her loser boyfriend use my insurance card to get medical services for 3 years. All, naturally, without my knowledge and consent. Her boyfriend used my insurance card and coverage to go through drug counseling & alchohol counseling. Also, her boyfriend (apparently) stole the doctors prescription pad and wrote prescriptions for narcotics for himself and his friends. Several times (according to my medical records), the pharmacy was suspicious and they called the doctors office to verify the prescriptions. Of course, the Doctor’s office would deny writing me these prescriptions — and insert a note in my medical records stating that I had tried to obtain narcotics illegally. There are 25 of these “memos” in my medical records. Amazingly, the doctor never mentioned a thing during my treatments for cancer. He acted as if nothing was amiss?!? Had I known that shehad also done this to me, I would not have settled my libel, slander & defamation lawsuit 3 years ago. This has turned into a nightmare. It is extremely difficult to correct your medical records. Any attorney that I have spoken to wants a minimum of $5000 to even begin to help me with this, complex, nightmare. 5 years after she destroyed our marriage and family, and just as I have been getting on with my life, this pops up! Oh well, I have posted my original missive below:
Blindsided,
You do sound like Job, in the Bible, in one fell swoop, losing everything. Unbelievable. I recalled a saying not too long ago (and it’s true) – “life can turn on a dime.” You are a strong, resilient individual. It’s people who have been through hell and back that I have tremendous respect for. Peace.