While in the height of conflict with psychopaths or those with psychopathic features, sometimes, we scare people. I don’t mean Halloween “scary costume” scary. I don’t mean “things that go bump in the night” scary. No, I mean “take a look at yourself” scary. There are those around us who will see us go through what we do, and back away, simply because they realize that what we are experiencing or have experienced is just too strange and horrible to handle.
Maybe they don’t understand. Maybe they don’t know what to say to us, as this is a special type of trauma. Often, some of us give others a “pass” for those reasons. That is perfectly understandable. However, I believe that there are those who do know and understand, yet still choose to bury their heads.
Why are there those with such feelings of trepidation? If they become involved, even with only the minor facts of our stories, they may be forced to face the possibility that they could be in our positions at some point in time. It may be too unpleasant for them to imagine. No one is immune to these experiences and the thought of our plights becoming theirs may be overwhelming. Some may feel that is best to pretend as though this could not occur in their worlds.
How will we know?
We should not expect those around us to come out and express their fears. It is possible that they are not even consciously aware of their feelings, actions or responses. Nonetheless, if they are, in fact, afraid, it becomes clear before long, even though initially we may misinterpret that fear as something else.
What will they do?
They may pull away, be unwilling or unable to listen, or attempt to make light of our feelings on the matter. They may suggest that we are not feeling the feelings we say we are or that we need to “get over it” and move on, offering little support.
What should we do?
While moving forward is important, it is a gradual process and will come in time. If we encounter those who think this way, we should try our hardest not to internalize what they do or say, or in many cases, fail to say. This is very important because we should not take on any more unnecessary burden. It’s not healthy or helpful. We do not need to process their baggage in addition to that with which the sociopath has left us.
It may hurt at first because it is unpleasant and frustrating, but in the end, as with much of the rest of the issues that surround these experiences, their reactions may turn out to be a gift. As we grow and become whole again, we usually come to see the people who reacted in this manner very differently. We may no longer like what we see. We may come to see them as very “go along to get along,” and lose respect, because it is hard to respect those who stands for nothing. We may come to realize that these relationships were littered with conditions. The most important one being the demand for silence in our times of need.
As we recover
With recovery should also come some form of a rebirth, where we emerge better than we were before. As I have said before, we may sometimes need to leave our old methods of quantifying “better” behind. This may not materialize in the traditional sense. For example, if stripped financially, we may never be where we would have been under different circumstances. If faced to choose different career avenues, we may never achieve a level we once dreamed of. In truth, the scars the psychopaths may be very deep. However, that is not to say that once we do redefine, that we cannot find happiness and satisfaction. We can. Further, when we have little to lose, we may be willing to take some risks that go completely against our grains, but are sometimes necessary to excel. What this means is highly individual.
In the process, we may benefit greatly from purging ourselves of the negative relationships, that surprisingly are not just attached to the psychopaths or individuals with psychopathic features who are or were in our lives. We may need to take this action with those we “scare.” We can only control our actions, so we must act in ways that benefit our health and well being. With that, we will have energy for those who do matter.
In time, some may end up wishing they had handled things differently. Many won’t be phased either way. But maybe if they had, they would have learned a thing or two about their own strengths. However, they chose their safety nets of silence, demonstrating only their weaknesses.
I recently saw an inspirational quote that stated, “hard times reveal true friends.” That could not be more right on. Real friends do not scare easily, they walk with us through this time as best they can. Those who won’t, may not deserve to walk with us in our good times either. These experiences give us the opportunity to see the difference in a world where sometimes things get murky. Good luck out there!
Blindsided,
Your story leaves me speechless.I had never heard of sudden-onset bi-polar before.All of this happening at the time you were going through chemo reminds me of the account of Job in the Bible!So much tragedy;trauma.You must be a God-fearing man to have survived it all!Best wishes for things to hopefully straighten out!
Hi Blindsided.
Being subject to smear campaign and having others believe the smear campaign is so frustrating. I really feel for you on this one.
Wow you’ve really been through the wringer and I think you must be an incredible person not to have ended up having a complete and total collapse.
I got badly ‘smeared’ too by two spaths – it’s really left a lot of collateral damage. I’ve set out a few thoughts, and I wonder if any other LF’ers can relate?
I felt utterly and completely humiliated in my relationsh*t with the first spath. Not only was I treated appallingly in private – but he made sure that everyone knew about it – and then also spread nasty tales about me – unfortunately some of it true (past drug history- told in confidence, for example) but also mixed in with alot of nasty lies.
The smear campaign is so effective isn’t it? In my experience, I was completely ‘devalued’ in the eyes of lots of people (of course not the ones that really mattered). I understood for the first time that many people enjoy seeing someone else being humiliated.
One lasting trait is -I never really confide in anyone anymore – expect on LF and sometimes ‘after the event’to one or two friends. I just find it hard to trust people now and have a sense that revealing any weaknesses is just too much of a risk to take. Even close friends get ‘edited highlights’ now.
The other thing is that I get really nervous about introducing friends to each other. I’ve had to completely disengage from 2 groups of friends in the past as they were ‘infected’ by the spaths in my life. In the end it was just not worth the spath(s) being able to continue to spread their barbs and poison via the means of dupes, or even worse by people who enjoyed making hurtful remarks and witnessing my upset and pain.
I think the worst is that I was always someone who was happy to really be myself and to ‘standout’ or ‘be apart from’ the crowd, not in a flash or narcissistic way – just always had a sense of my right to really just be myself – and that’s been really badly affected. I really don’t feel that good about myself anymore – though I try to hide it as much as possible in order to avoid attracting any more sharks.
Now I try to fly under the radar much more – I get nervous that if I am too confident or if I talk about any good fortune,or if I visibly enjoy myself too much – that I make myself a target.
Unfortunately I have become somewhat jaded, spiky and misanthropic since all these things happened to me. That’s the worst of it. I don’t want to be the naive and trusting girl I was 18 but neither do I wish to be a ‘bitter old woman’ at the age 40 (my current age). I often do feel bitter, depressed or angry as a result of the fallout from the spaths and their minions.
When I feel this way – I also get afraid to go out and do things – again sort of through fear. I stay at home more than I should. Or miss out on an opportunity because I haven’t the strength to ‘run the gauntlet’ and deal with the outside world.
I’ve also put on loads of weight – which is really horrible on every sort of level.
I was rarely like this in the past – in fact I’ve always been quite adventurous and bit of a fitness freak.
Anyway – any LF readers got tips to deal with chronic bitterness? I know being bitter is like drinking a cup of your own poison and then complaining because you have stomach ache. however knowing this but it doesn’t resolve the feelings.
I get bitter and I’m also depressed that I ended up 40, childless, overweight. that I find the idea of being in a relationship makes me feel empty inside, and even friendships are really tiring at times.
One of the most unpleasant hangovers from my relationsh*t with the spath(s) – is that I get bitter when my friends get married -It’s akin to, but way beyond jealousy – it’s like I literally feel sick at the thought of going to anyone’s wedding! Even very good friends. It has negatively affected more than one friendship as of course people are offended if you don’t go to their wedding (even with a good excuse!). I felt pretty guilty about not going and then kind of angry and depressed that what should be happy occassions are a major negative trigger for me.
I never wanted to be the kind of person who would feel bitter at another person’s happiness. But life with Spaths has made me a bit damaged to the point where even normal good things are painful sometimes.
A wedding makes me kind of want to throw up as it reminds me of how I once was full of youth and hopefulness that I would find a half-decent man and get married one day and maybe even have a family too.
Now I feel that I’m quite disfunctional and I don’t think that even if i met someone nice – that I could handle being married. I’m spiky, overly independant, and well I wouldn’t want to take the financial risk of being married. To me getting married means – “here feel free to cheat on me in the safety of knowing you can rip off all my money too!”.
I think marriage is still a form of social currency though – and I get really hacked of that a single woman I’m seen a ‘lesser’ in some way than the ‘smug marrieds’. I still get pissed off when the ‘smug marrieds’ boast about their lives/marriage – even if I don’t necessarily believe that they’re as happy as they’re pretending sometimes.
On the good side – I have a lovely home, a lovely cat, good job, currently financially secure, at least 2 good friends, no major health worries, I sing in a band with people who I’m really fond of..
Still there is a bitterness/unhappiness in me that I feel people can sense a little bit – my good friends are sweet and don’t comment too much.
Thanks for reading this – again any hints or tips much appreciated.
Delta,
I used to feel the exact same way about going to weddings.I’m not sure how I would handle a wedding invitation today.But there shouldn’t be a problem with you leaving a wedding present with the family and explaining that you won’t be at the wedding but please convey your best wishes.
Delta, I can only empathize with you and offer my condolences. As I referenced above, I have been changed forever. I will never get married again. I do not care if I ever have another relationship again. Like you, I do not share good news (or bad) with anyone anymore. Best of luck.
Delta1,
It sounds like you have a good life. In time, I’d like to have what you have. I know as single women, we can feel lesser than (but, we’re not). I respect you because you probably have a fuller, more contented life, compared to many married women. I guess, whatever our status in life, if we can live our lives the way we see fit, where we’re living a healthy, rich existence, then that’s “success” in my eyes.
Bluejay is right Delta, many women might envy your freedom , health, and relative security.
Blindsided…huge kudos to you for your resilience in the face of this terrible trauma. Perhaps the woman’s insanity can offer you some comfort? I mean by that, that she does not appear in control of herself , her behaviour appears paranoid, almost psychotic. I’m terribly sorry to read about what this has done to you and the children. Peace and love to you may your remission last always. You’re a brave man.
Thanks Tealight and Bluejay. I know you’re right. Your comments have reminded me of the need to keep the ol’ ‘attitude of gratitude’and that I do have a lot to be thankful about and maybe other people looking at me would think I’m really lucky.
I know I’m lucky that the spaths didn’t wipe me out financially like some of the folks on here (not that they didn’t try hard to get at my resources!) , and also that the local police (Metropolitan Police, London) acted helpfully and quickly to keep the spaths away (which is not always the case).
Blessings to you both and to Blindsided and all LFers- Delta1
And hip hip hooray to Donna for setting up such a fantastic resource.
NDelta, glad the Met were helpful to you! I’m sorry now that I didn’t add to my post to you that it’s totally understandable, the residual anger that can become bitterness. We’re only human. It’s hard to not have a loving supportive partner and to wonder how the hell you can risk letting a new person in again. But enjoying other’s happiness won’t make us feel worse. Happiness isn’t a quantifiable resource! We can all have our share if we live well and remain open to the possibility of happiness, which for me just means peace, finding inner strength, minimising my dealings with aggressive , difficult people, having the health and enough resources to be comfortable and enjoy my interests. I think it is more than possible for life to be good without a partner , and it’s really best not to worry about not finding someone as I know divorced and widowed and long term single people who. bumped into a husband / love of their life in their 50s! It happens all the time.
PS Delta I read a good book not long ago which is ideal if you are in an anti smug marrieds mood – Against Love by Laura Kipnis. It’s really just anti marriages of convenience and bad marriages, rather than love! Give it a go it’ll confirm all your suspicions that the grass is not necessarily greener on the married side of the lawn!Â
I needed to read this one again today. When family and friends abandon us, it is so much worse than realizing we are in a web with a spider.
I think professional therapy is the best choice. However, parts of one of my stories scared some therapists too much. I had to search quite a while to find a calm therapist who could handle the truth.
This is an awesome article, thank you so much for it. I don’t think I have seen anything in writing about this before. Snakes in Suits noted how folks duped react in 3-4 different ways, but I have been trying to be friends with the duped (yes, as I’m still way too close for comfort) with folks who may have caught some of it from the spath I called out. It’s directly related to what I’ve heard termed the cycle of abuse, I think.
I kind of think it’s the shame-anger that comes out at the unhealthy side of narcissism that provokes some “friends” to be scared of your voicing things. I feel sad I’m in that position also with the great majority of my friends. It really shines a light on the 1-2 who remain true, even listening, and still caring about you/me, any messenger.
Ego, in my eyes, is almost nothing to be admired, as I see it leading to the unhealthy side of narcissism. Of course the healthy side, making and keeping your own boundaries and treating others respectfully, hoping for golden rules, is definitely TO be admired, by me anyway. A 30-yr friend of mine just told me a disturbing story about her husband, who has seemed disturbing to me for years, to whom of course I can’t used charged words, she’s actually defending some pretty indefensible actions, and can’t hear it, now. She revealed her truth to me, not having anyone else in her life she can tell, but since then where I have e-communicated respecting herself and nothing more dramatic than that, and she has disappeared for now.
It seems really, really hard for folks to admit things like this, and to see it and deal with it, much less the messenger. I think it is all core to healthy upbringings, which I see few of unfortunately, where it should be relentlessly modeled, respecting yourself, and in how many ways you need to learn to do it to feel good in our life.
I’m working on it now myself, even though I personally have never had any fear in asking for respect from parents, nor now in marriage. In between I had a harder time often.
But, that’s the education that I see parents both not knowing themselves, then not passing on to their kids, and why I so applaud Donna’s school education programs for kids. Respect yourself first. Pretty easily summed up. Am trying to give that message away where I can without offending, but that part is a delicate negotiation with adults-with-ego-issues. With younger kids, it’s actually much easier to broach as a general topic, a great one.