Where we find psychopaths, we may find accomplices. There are no shortages of individuals who are ready and waiting to champion psychopaths’ causes or support their agendas. This happens in a variety of circumstances and for a variety of reasons. However, if our brushes with psychopathy came by way of romantic involvement, we may have lived through the experience of having been “replaced.” This is common because relationships with psychopaths do not endure. This doesn’t reflect on us, as we probably once thought. Rather, it is merely a phenomenon that comes with the territory.
Initially, we may have been upset or experience sadness and confusion. However, in time, those feelings tend to subside, especially, as we gain information regarding what we were dealing with and just how psychopaths operate.
We may come to feel bad or concerned for our “replacements” because oftentimes, they are much like us. In spite of the fact that we may feel they played a role in some of the breakdown, over time, we come to understand that they were probably placed under the same “spells” we were. Their beginnings probably looked similar to ours, rich with lies and pity plays. We can often predict what their futures hold and may come to see these individuals as the psychopaths’ pawns or new victims, rather than home-wreckers, as we once thought.
However, there are also times when this is simply not the case. The next person may not have been chosen for the same reasons we were. The new person may not be the victim we suspected, but rather, the accomplice. We may have been busy thinking, “Poor Bonnie,” when we should have been thinking “Bonnie and Clyde.”
What lies ahead for us when Clyde meets Bonnie?
If this happens, we should cut our losses, run quickly, and never look back. However, there are some circumstances which prohibit clean breaks. These situations are slightly more challenging, but we can and must learn how to effectively handle them. When psychopaths enlist other individuals to do their dirty work, and this happens consistently, we must brace for a bit of a wild ride. Why? Ask what normal, decent person would want to be an accomplice. A reasonable and healthy person would probably pass on this type of involvement. As a result, dealing with both Bonnie and Clyde can be somewhat exhausting. Wrangling this dysfunctional duo can take practice and patience.
Try to maintain perspective on both of them. This helps immensely as we muddle through completely false accusations, rampant projection, name calling, set up’s, lies, possible police involvement, and potentially even frivolous law suits. Frankly, these examples may only be the tip of the iceberg and we may have to consider our physical safety, as well.
When they launch attacks against us and/or our friends and family members, it will feel wrong and perverse because it is, but we must not lower ourselves in their battles. There may be times when we react in various, less than perfect ways, as we work to grasp what is occurring, but rest assured, time and experience are the best teachers.
How do they choose their accomplices?
Psychopaths look for what they can use in people. Their accomplices fill a need. At the same time, the psychopaths may be filling one or more of their needs too. We must also consider the possibility that they may have personality disorders themselves. Regardless, they tend to feel that they are special or have been chosen for legitimate reasons. In reality, they simply possess usable traits or qualities, just like anyone else psychopaths target.
What does set typical accomplices apart, however, is their propensity for seeing their roles as fun, exciting, or even entertaining, where others would refuse to engage in such behaviors. They may feel that they are helping the psychopaths attain twisted forms of justice. Their roles become obvious, especially in cases where the psychopaths or individuals with psychopathic traits, are legitimately incapable of some of the “work” the accomplices do. If and when we dare question what seems as plain as day, we should be prepared to watch the accusations fly. We must be ready for anything and let nothing surprise us.
What do we do when an accomplice is involved?
We must re-train out brains to think differently than they would in normal situations where we were not repeatedly being manipulated, framed, or harassed. We must accept that the interactions will not be pleasant and realize that “nice” is out of the question. It’s not part of their plan, even if it is what we desire. We must also learn to stop seeking approval from people who do not matter and they do not matter.
They do not like us and that will not change. They are not looking to improve any part of these particular situations at hand, as they may claim, either. Any of our attempts to encourage reasonable communication will fail. The only genuine portion of their agendas is their pursuit of our demise. Therefore, we must examine exactly who we are dealing with and realize the lack of value attached to what they “think.” It’s jumbled and bizarre. Let it go.
Additionally, we must acknowledge that their exchanges are intended to make us look wrong or unstable. Accepting this fact allows us to function without the burden of wondering what’s going on or searching for answers as to why they are doing what they are doing. It’s the disorder speaking. Look no further.
They will likely inform us that we are “sick,” “disturbed,” or “in need of mental help.” We must take it with a grain of salt. They want us to become upset by their behaviors. If we do, they can blame us for our “instability” or “erratic behavior.” Don’t reinforce their false accusations and assertions. Refuse to engage in any form of “back and forth.” It accomplishes nothing productive.
Next, stop, breathe, and steer clear of lengthy defenses. That’s where they want us. We must not allow that. Exercise extreme self control. Over time, as we learn and they no longer matter, this becomes easier. While still feeling emotional or hurt, this may take great effort, but that’s ok. It’s worth it.
Understand that in these situations, we are often faced with two dysfunctional people whose common bond is their hatred for us. Their relationship may have been formed on that hatred or continue to be fueled by it. It’s unfortunate when “settling the score” is the glue, but it happens and it’s a recipe for disaster unless we come understand and act accordingly.
Recognize our strength and give ourselves credit
Though things may seem ridiculous and endless while in the heat of the moment with these folks, we should remind ourselves not to internalize their words or actions. Think about how they look to everyone who is not them or those immediately involved with them. Guaranteed, it’s not “normal.” We must take comfort in who we are. We must believe that even if this enters our world, it need not define us. We should take a moment to recognize our strengths and another to give ourselves credit. We may even get to the point, when we can shake our heads in dismay at their actions and truly pity them (if we care to even spend our time or thoughts on the matter.) It really is sad that anyone would choose to conduct their lives in such fashions.
We should treat ourselves well and keep ourselves healthy, emotionally and otherwise. It is easy for us to get wrapped up in someone else’s “crazy.” However, we should try to get in touch with and then stay in touch with ourselves. We should do the things that make us feel “normal,” like the people we were prior to these experiences. When we do, we are better able to visualize ourselves being more than fine, if we are not already.
Great article. This is so right on.
Wow, just had that realization last night while attending a fraternal order function that I recently joined and LOVE being surrounded by such a high-quality group of people, who’s purpose is to serve others via charitable work & to also create a “family” social organization. Really gave my brain a rest, having conversations with normal people and replacing the thoughts of the ex-spath in my head with lively conversation, good food and volunteering for a few up-coming projects for the holidays. I mean I LOVED it! This is who I used to be and NONE of these people knows the terrible ex!
I have been targeted by his new “victim” and I was starting to see that maybe she was also some sort of narcissist, although I pitied her in the beginning. Luckily, since he acts like an eight year old and she acts like she’s twelve, they are ridiculously easy to step around, over or just ignore altogether. It’s a little tiring, trying to keep up my guard, but the answer presented itself to me last night. Surround MYSELF with new and better people who are fast becoming friends. Normal, healthy people who are working hard to better our community and not trying to destroy it on a daily basis.
Since this particular organization has a bar and a restaurant as part of the scene, of course there will be some aberrant, dare I say it, spaths in the mix here, too. Sigh, just like in the rest of the world. One of them attached themselves to me last night, but it was incredibly simple to immediately spot what he was. I felt like I was outside of myself watching more as an observer instead of a participant. I was amused, to say the least, but surprisingly, not threatened at all. And I made it abundantly clear, in a nice way, that I just wasn’t interested. He kept throwing out hooks to find out about my financial situation, love-bombing me, telling me how pretty I was. Blah. Blah. Blah. But because of everything I learned on Love Fraud, I only interacted with him in a “Grey Rock” kind of way. Thanks OxDrover & Donna for that!
I guess what I am trying to say is, no matter where I go in the future, there will be sociopaths. I may or may not attract them by being who I am. So I can stay home and isolate myself with those thoughts of pain and grief that run in a loop in my mind, or I can go out with the TOOLS that Love Fraud has given me, and face the world again. I can TRUST myself again. After last night, I now know I can protect myself from unhealthy relationshits, and even if I do make a mistake and fall for one again (hope not!), I can recover quickly, because really it isn’t about me, but them, as Donna said in the above article. I may attract them again, but knowing that ahead of time, hopefully I won’t become involved. In the future, I really, really, REALLY, don’t want to settle for anything less than what I want anymore. There are so many good men out there, and I’m gonna find me one! Grin!
New Life,
this article is by Linda, I think.
And it’s an awesome article.
It’s such an important topic to understand: they NEVER work alone. They love to ensnare others into doing their evil. That’s the whole point, isn’t it? To turn us into them. Some people are already like them and don’t need much prodding though.
Your comment, New Life, is like the cherry on top of this article, you are so right: the anti-dote is to surround ourselves with good people. thanks for the reminder.
As an aside to my previous post above, before I joined this fraternal organization, I was walking around like a zombie, feeling like the worst person in the world. I had been duped, deceived and totally robbed of my personhood. But I remembered something that I had read. Act “AS IF.” As if things were ok, as if I wasn’t in the terrible mental situation I was in. By FORCING myself, and I do mean forcing, I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I am not a hundred percent yet, but I can see now that I will be. Also the other tool that I use on a daily basis, particularly while reading the Love Fraud blog, is EFT. Please, for the men and women here who are hurting so badly, look it up on YouTube or any place on the internet. You can learn it for free and it speeds your recovery by light years. There are a lot of layers of pain, caused by what we went through. EFT peels them away one by one, and once that particular aspect of the situation is gone, it doesn’t come back. But you have to use EFT again on the next layer, until it’s gone also, then the next, etc. It really has worked for me!!
I have been reading some of the other posts and my heart goes out to those who after 4 years are still hurting so much. My last contact was only a little over 5 months ago, and I am probably more than halfway recovered due to Love Fraud and EFT. I hope some of you check it out. It would cost you nothing to learn it and use it. Good Luck!
Sorry about crediting the wrong author. Thanks Linda for the article and thanks to Donna for providing the forum to post the article. You have saved lives with this blog.
Just like the story of the boy throwing starfish back into the ocean, when the beach was covered with hundreds of them. A man came along and asked what he was doing. When the boy told him, the man looked around and said, “You can’t possibly throw all of them back, it doesn’t matter!” And the boy replied as he threw another one back in, “Well, it matters to that one!”
Thanks for throwing me back, Donna!
Linda, I call these relationships “gasoline and fire” if they are romantic ones because they usually eventually BLOW UP in spectacular manner.
Just because someone is involved in a relationship with someone who is either a psychopath or high in the traits does not mean that they are not ALSO HIGH IN P TRAITS.
The accomplice that my son recruited to sneak into our family as a “friend” by renting a small house from me then voluntering to work off some of his rent money here on the farm was a diagnosed psychopath ex convict pedophile. Of course in the end, when their plan fell apart because the guy started screwing my DIL, and they got caught and ultimately went to jail for trying to kill my son C, her husband….Patrick wasn’t too pleased that his buddy had ruined his plan. They use and discard each other just like the use and discard an “innocent” victim.
Not all people who claim to be “victims” are actually victims in my mind, but sometimes they are psychopaths who lost in the battle with another psychopath that always results in two Ps hooking up, the “gasoline and fire explosion.”
Psychopaths always paint themselves as being “victimized” by their previous “crazy” or “mean” _____________(fill in the blank for the type of relationship)
Some of these “pseudovictims” as I call them are very adept at presenting themselves as “victims” and play the PITY CARD extremely well. I have been totally taken in and FOOLED by a couple of these pseudovictims over the years and went out of my way to “help” them….that is the SUCKER in me, sucker for a sob story…and they know how to push those buttons to evoke my pity.
I’m getting better at recognizing these people…they are usually blame placers, mooches, become easily offended, make little or no effort to help themselves, play the “victim” role, the Pity card, feel very entitled, and expect others to do for them what they should do for themselves. I’ve had several people in my life that fit that description and I have ripped their names out of my Rolodex.
Thanks! Glad it is a helpful piece, guys. Keep surrounding ourselves with good to the greatest extent possible and recognize the bad enough to keep them at bay. That’s the best any of us can do, I suppose.
I agree with the “gasoline and fire” combination. I, too, believe there is a genuine mix of who gets “used.” Some are normal and some are not. The shame of it is that the true victim is, again, victimized when a “pseudovictim” begins acting. That is why I mentioned that we should be aware of the possibilities of the “new victims” possibly being disordered themselves. Ripped from the rolodex! LOL 🙂
What sprang to my mind when I read this was, “One lies and the other swears to it.”
Last week, my son’s P father was called before a judge for an Enforcement of Litigant’s Rights hearing. This was about the P’s chronic efforts to ensure that my son cannot use his health insurance.
I attended “telephonically,” which means the judge called me and put me on speaker phone when they were ready to procede.
The judge said that the P had presented a letter from his insurance broker that the P has provided health insurance continuously for my son for the past 20 years. I started to say that wasn’t true and attempted to relate what he had done this year and last alone. The judge interrupted me and said she wasn’t interested in what he has done in the past. That left me nervous, wondering how do I counter a statement that he was permitted to make, but I wasn’t permitted to rebutt.
For starters, my son is 19 years old. Because I was so shocked by his statement, I didn’t think to bring that point up, but I will later on when the lawyers handle the case.
The P went on to say that I had hung up on the broker. He got sarcastic and said that if I didn’t feel that he could submit the information correctly, then his broker would help me and I could submit it to the insurance company. (Had I had time to see his letter and argument beforehand, I would have had the presence of mind to say that if he had been providing insurance all along, why would there have been a need for his broker to have contacted me about anything? Also, the broker has not been involved over the course of my son’s whole lifetime. He cannot attest to things that he does not know firsthand.)
I just happen to work for a company providing IT services for a sister insurance company of the P’s.
I knew enough to tell the judge that I couldn’t possibly do that, any more than I could add my son to her insurance policy. The judge said she didn’t know anything about health insurance policies.
I also happen to work doen the hall from our corporate lawyer, who is quite friendly with me and we discuss this case (the P father) from time to time.
He had given me enough knowledge that I was able to explain to the judge that a health insurance policy is a financial contract between the subscriber (the P) and the health insurance company. I had no legal right to make any changes to it.
That must have gotten through because she changed her position. She suddenly questioned the P why the letter from the broker was undated. I was quick enough to add that I had multiple, undated letters from this broker at home that were statements that the P said this and the P said that.
It’s true that I hung up on his lawyer because I am not required to speak with him. In restrospect, I also don’t have to provide confidential information on demand to anyone who calls the house. Anyway, I knew that I did not have to speak to a broker, who does not legally represent the P. What I was able to state was that I told the broker to tell the P to have his attorney speak with mine. THAT a judge would understand.
Not so unfortunately, the weather was so bad that they stopped the hearing halfway through because the courthouse was being closed under emergency in 15 minutes.
The judge ordered that the matter be handled by interstate lawyers, which is the biggest blessing that I could have received.
The P very nonchalantly that was it for him. The judge snapped at him that he wasn’t going anywhere, she wasn’t done with him yet.
She ordered that he must provide proof every six months that there is health insurance coverage for my son and it is active until we get the rest of the matters straightened out. She also left it open that we could discuss finances again.
I had just gone through most of the documents related to this P. Again and again, there is a history that clearly demonstrates that he uses others to do his dirty work for him. He has left a clear trail of incomplete forms, unsigned documents, undated documents, and documents that do not answer the questions asked.
Why do these people help him? Because he is consummate liar, good looking, and charming to the nth degree. He also is not above giving a dazzled female a quick lay in the hay to make her feel special. People will do almost anything for him.
As for my P sister and my S mother, I have long said that they double-teamed me and my son. There is plenty of proof of that. I also know, because they told me and it is consistent with their behavior, that they have met and developed their strategies together.
If you can envision two nasty, jealous women wanting to bring down somebody that they feel doesn’t know her place in life (beneath them,) then you can envision them. My P sister even got in touch with my son’s P father and had him participate in her attempt to get custody of my son.
Chances are you have encountered these types-the ones who get together over coffee, via emails or chats, or a couple of bottles of wine and know what is wrong with the world or a particular person. Yeah, they’re going to get ’em.
In my case, it was relatives doing it to relatives. I’m sure it happens in all sorts of situations, like at work, committees, schools, a place of worship, or an organization.
There are certain phrases that my mother has used throughout my life that I remember more than others because of how she said them and their frequency. Her big thing is that she is going to teach somebody a lesson. She loves scheming how “to get” somebody. She thinks it proves how superior she is to others.
Even though I think my P sister is further up the psychopathic scale than my mother, I’m sure that much of my P sister’s behavior was learned from my mother.
And as for my son’s P father, I used to marvel how much there was something about him that would make him fit right into my family of origin. Little did I know how accurately I was picking up on that one.
Linda, thanks so much for bringing up this point. I haven’t seen it presented before. I hope that it will be developed, discussed, and examined in many locations. You trailblazer you!
Yea, Linda, the “pseudo victim” presents as the most pitiful of abused victims in such need of help and support….and before long you are attached on like a leech to a victim….they suck your very blood and you wonder “WTF happened?”
LEGITIMATE VICTIMS even though we may have “volunteered” to be the victims by staying even when they abused us, and going back for more of the same…get a bad “rap” for allowing ourselves to be abused. I admit it. I ALLOWED my son to abuse me for a long time…I fell for his “Mommmmm, I found Jezussssss…” (whine) for a long time past when I SHOULD have told him to stick it….about the time he killed Jessica Witt in January of 1992. But I didn’t. I stayed and was emotionally attached to him for another 18 years. So I ‘aint throwin’ rocks” at any else’s glass house, I was a “volunteer victim” for a long time, but I didn’t abuse anyone else in so doing. BIG difference.
The “pseudo victim” is highly disordered too I think, maybe even a full blown psychopath who got iinto trouble either by hooking up with another psychopath, OR by being tossed to the curb by a victim that got away.
Everyone here reading this whose X P has posed as a VICTIM, raise your hand! Well, that is just about everyone isn’t it? So I think it behooves us to learn to identify those people who are pseudo-victims from the real mcCoy. In fact, how many of us fell for our X because s/he knew how to play the PITY ME CARD and we wanted to save them?
Linda, thank you VERY much for this article – it speaks directly to what I’m experiencing, this week.
OxD, yeah…..I “volunteered” to take on the exspath because, at that time, I needed to believe the tripe that he was feeding me. The lovebombing that I was important, valuable……VALID.
For whatever reasons, accomplices are in it up to their necks and, even if the duck is blue and looks like an egret, they’ll still claim that it’s a duck. They do it because they can’t do otherwise, IMHO. Their lives are so empty and shallow that they have to engage in whatever drama/trauma that makes them feel/believe that their lives are so much more than they really are. Reality shows – prime example.
I do NOT want someone to “save” me, ever again. The exspath swore, asserted, and spoke words that made be believe that he would help ME to help myself – that he was “the only one” that cared about me, etc. Aw, bullshit.
Let someone start a sentence with, “You’re the ONLY person ___________” and I’m out. I’m out without a backward glance.
Brightest blessings