I have heard it suggested that there may be those who “attract” psychopaths. It does not matter what the relationship. Some feel that there are people who are simply prone to involvement with individuals with psychopathic features. Is this true? Maybe. Maybe not.
Why do they feel this way?
Talk to victims. There are many who have been involved with psychopaths who feel that they are “everywhere.” The same story keeps happening over and over. It’s like Ground Hog Day or Fifty First Dates. Perhaps these victims have had several romantic experiences with psychopaths. Perhaps they feel many of their family members are psychopaths. Others report experiencing a variety of different encounters in various areas of life.
On the surface, it may seem like an easy conclusion to come to. I, on the other hand, believe that we have not even begun to understand just how complicated an issue this really is, which may be influenced by many different factors. Here are some of my thoughts.
A psychopath “behind every bush?”
Among the general population, there are not “psychopaths behind every bush.” However, psychopathy does occur along a continuum. It is a spectrum disorder of sorts. In other words, one person may exhibit only a few traits of psychopathy. Another may exhibit some or all.
Therefore, the numbers of troubling individuals may actually be higher than once suspected. If we only count those who are affected by the disorder as those who fit the criterion for a clinical diagnosis, we are leaving many troubling individuals out of the statistical equation. That does not mean, however, that they are not present in our lives, wreaking havoc.
What do we do about all of the sub-clinical folks who may be just as troubling and dangerous as those amongst the prison population or those who have created enough of a stir to warrant in-depth assessments? We may need to take another look at how we decide who is “psychopathic enough” to gain our attention, as many routinely “fly under the radar.”
Once we know about psychopathy and the other Cluster B disorders, we may begin to recognize those with the disorders or a number of their features.
How is psychopathy assessed and why do we care?
To briefly explain, one of the instruments available for measuring psychopathy is the PCL-R, which was developed by Dr. Robert Hare. Only trained mental health professionals are to diagnose using this tool. However, if we look at the checklist items, we are able to decide for ourselves if we know individuals who exhibit the various behaviors. If these occur frequently and/or consistently, over time, we may know someone with psychopathy.
With this measure, professional evaluators are able to assign a score ranging from 0 to 40. Time is beginning to show that this assessment is more successful among some groups of offenders than others.
Non-psychopathic individuals tend to have scores of about a 4 or 5 on the PCL-R. Survival dictates that we must all possess a small number of traits which allow us to act in our own best interests. However, do not be confused. Higher scores likely do not correlate with what is being argued may be adaptive behavior.
The motivations of non-psychopaths are very different from those of psychopaths or those with elevated features. Disorder and adaptation are two different things.
Understanding the psychopathy “numbers game” is helpful so that we do not become too attached to a score, accepting it as the only thing that matters.
Does the number matter?
A score of 30 has been established as the cut score for psychopathy, acknowledging a score of 20 as high, and of possible potential concern, but still sub-clinical. But what about those with scores of 15 or 18? Not exactly psychopathic, but not “normal.” We must acknowledge that we need to look at the facts of cases involving these individuals collaterally. These individuals may be of great concern as well. Ask anyone who has dealt with them.
It is also worth noting that how the score was attained may be of importance.
The real world
So, even if they are not “behind every bush,” understanding the disorder and how these features tend to present should be of great importance to the general population. The chances are good that most of us will be at least superficially involved at some point.
The extent of our involvement may vary, depending on many outside variables. However, I do not think it is safe to suggest that there may be some who “attract” psychopaths.
Granted, we may need to examine some of our vulnerabilities, train ourselves not to ignore red flags, and control some of our behaviors and responses, but we should not internalize our involvement too much and no one should lay blame on anyone for their involvement.
I have said it before, and I will say it again; we did not choose these people. We chose the persona they pitched us.
What about the frequency among family members?
Among families, however, the “psychopaths everywhere” concept may be somewhat different. Science continues to examine whether psychopathy is genetic or environmental. While it seems that both may play a role, research strongly supports that a genetic component exists.
As a result, it is possible that there are many psychopathic individuals in a particular family. This does not mean that everyone will be afflicted, but it may mean that there is an over representation of the disorder in a blood line.
Therefore, it is likely that a non-psychopathic family member may feel “surrounded” by psychopaths. Simply put, the numbers may be far greater than in a family without a predisposition for the condition. It can be a difficult situation to navigate regardless of the causes.
In the end
Ultimately, it does not matter if psychopaths are “everywhere” or not. To those involved, even if they are only “somewhere,” the problems tend to be significant. Whether we are simply more in tune to human behavior, we “attract” them, or we live among more than others due to genetics or rearing tendencies, without an understanding, they can be the most trying people we know.
They have the potential to create problems in our homes, at work, or in our own backyards. The good is that once we understand their behavior patterns, we can better help ourselves and those we love.
Welcome MLK2013,
Thank you for sharing your story!No doubt the reason that you “gravitate” towards Ps and have put up with their behavior is because that is what you became accustomed to as you were growing up.
Keep reading and keep posting;you sound like you’re well on your way to understanding what has happened in your life.Now you need to learn about healthy relationships!Print out the list of red flags and memorize them~~~and start looking for the opposite!
I flew to this site tonight because I knew I
could find sanity. I must type this letter by letter very slowly on a mobile phone that won’t move any faster. It shames me to admit that am married over 30 years to a person who must test surely test high on the sociopathic continuum. I had nine children with him and finally separated 8 years ago. As he has receded more in my life and as I have struggled to free myself more fully from him, an old childhood friend emerged. He found me through the Internet and called me. He spoke so gently, said that he could see through photos on FB that I was a wounded soul. His heart “bled” for me. He wanted to hear all about my life but was unwilling to talk about his own life. He just “wanted to be there for me.” I was living alone for the first time in my life, was lonely, and took the bait. Even after having read from this site extensively, I was lured in by this man’s keen interest in me. Immediately he was gushing that he just loved me and extolling my virtues. These “supportive” conversations in which I was confiding in him lasted over six months. There would be intervals when he would be absent due to business trips to NYC, London, China, and various other places. He told me that he was Vice President of Marketing for Fang clothing line. He drove a Porsche, was a millionaire living in Hollywood, was in fact Paris Hilton’s neighbor. But he was always evasive when asked specific questions about himself. He was a single gay man without a partner for 18 years, had no friends, and was out of touch with his family. I couldn’t find any reference to this man with Fang Clothing via Internet checks. I realized that this utter lack of a frame of reference was a red flag. I also found his unwillingness to talk of himself disturbing. When I called him on this via a Facebook message, he called and left me a voicemail message. That kind voice had abruptly changed. He called me pathetic, mentally disturbed, a “sad sack”, and another lewd comment. I felt suddenly assaulted by a person who’s mask was off. It was a chilling experience. The call was followed by an equally damaging Facebook message. It leaves me with the question of why I attract this sort of person? Why such incredibly bad luck? Perhaps I will learn to be more discerning next time. One thing I know: all that glitters is not gold. In fact beware of someone who glitters at all. This note was typed painstakingly slow, but I needed to say it.
Cherith I went cold reading of your chilling experience, a classic case of a predator zoning in on someone vulnerable online. Thankfully you saw the process ( lovebombing, which can be non-sexual of course; blatant fantastical lies) and pulled his mask off, but very upsettingfor you to be subjected to the typically nasty discard. Block him cherith! You know the drill! Unfriend him, report any cyberstalking and let’s hope he simply disappears back into the disordered swamp. Take care. 9 children btw?! Wow that must have been a journey cherith.
cherith10,
Try not to let your former friend get to you, being hurt by anything he’s said or done. At work, I have female spaths that I deal with. If you can look at these types from a clinical, neutral way of thinking, it helps. Every one of them is full of b.s., lying every step of the way. Once you realize that someone is disordered, you refuse to get close to them, cutting down on the chances of being pulled into any drama that develops (and they ALL create drama, not having met one yet who doesn’t create headaches). Take care of yourself and know that spaths are everywhere. Over time, you learn to recognize them, who to let into your life and who to keep at bay. It’s good that you figured out that your former friend is a spath. Now, you know what to do. Peace.
Cherith10: Thank you for reminding us that it can happen again and again. Congratulations for checking up on him and remembering to check the Red Flags when you did. Your experience also shows how easily they can go form wonderful to horrible when they know someone is on to them. I consider it a complement when a spath gets angry when I call them on their nonsense. Many go their whole lives with no one ever recognizing that they are truly a Sociopath. You caught him and he felt stupid. That is why he had to call you names in trying to bring you down. Stick around here and you will find that you will feel better each day.
As soon as I got home, I went to Facebook, took a last look at this handsome profile pic of a man wearing sunglasses, and hit “Block”. In spite of his fury, he had not blocked me. In fact I could see that he was tuned in via mobile phone probably holding his breath, hoping for some defensive response from me. He will never get the sadistic pleasure of some hurt and wounded response. His words were calculated to wound, using all he knew of my struggles and vulnerabilities. I do wonder why he sought me out in the first place. As a nurse, I make a modest, though steady, income. But certainly not enough money to stalk me for. And nine children, even grown children is a lot of baggage. Although he would occasionally slip with sexually allusive remarks, I’m hardly sexual prey. In fact, he took pains that we should never meet, probably because theses so-called trips to NYC near my home never happened. What did he want with me? What was he trolling for?
Thanks for your responses. The shock of confronting the real person still haunts me. To think that I wanted him to come to my home for dinner! Hollywood is far away. May he stay as far away in his imaginary home as possible! He has my number. I know he’ll call. I won’t pick up, but I will dread seeing that Los Angeles number flash on my screen as it did last night. Again thanks for offering “sanity”. I knew I’d find it here.
Cherith: Congratulations. From what I have read here lately about people on line, that may not even be his real photo. I hope you do something super nice for yourself today…and keep letting us know how you are doing with this situation.
Cherith, he sounds highly disordered. Whatever his exact motives were / are , be sure to implement strict and total no contact, strong in your knowledge that the vile behaviour you encountered is about an unhealthy individual’s disordered brain, not about the truth of you. Put neutral space between “it” and you. You always have support here. We know how unsettling these people can be. Take good care.
Thank you Tea Light, Blue Jay, and fightforwhatsright for adding truth to a bizarre experience. I expected some lingering devastation, but I’m at peace. I am not his victim. I don’t need his praise and I’m not at the mercy of his ruthless personal attack. He does not own me. There is great freedom in recognizing that. I can see now that my “childhood friend” who was bigger than life and full of high praise was a re-run of a previous experience. It seems that I needed to review the lesson.
Cherith – Thank you for recounting your experience – it is an important reminder for everyone. As to why he would do it – some sociopaths lead people on just to entertain themselves. Disgusting, but true. I’m so glad you got rid of him quickly.