According to the National Institutes of Health website “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.”
Signs and Symptoms of PTSD are grouped into three categories:
1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
• Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
• Bad dreams
• Frightening thoughts.
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.
2. Avoidance symptoms:
• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
• Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
• Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.
3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
Unfortunately whenever a psychological experience is dubbed “a disorder” people get the impression that the person who has this experience is “defective” or “crazy” or of poor character. The thought that PTSD symptoms are related to some core defect in character/personality serves to further increase the sufferer’s anxiety and level of symptoms. Not wanting to consider any predisposing factors to these symptoms may also prevent a person from doing real soul searching.
There is one main reason to emphasize that PTSD symptoms constitute a disorder. That is that the symptoms greatly impair a person’s ability to function. They also rob people of love and well-being. Overwhelming anxiety is not conducive to well-being or loving relationships.
Because PTSD symptoms are debilitating we have to address them, face them and ultimately conquer them. That means acknowledging the other fears/concerns that go along with having these symptoms:
1. Am I crazy?
2. Am I defective?
3. Will I ever be normal again?
4. Why did this happen to me?
5. How can I prevent this from happening again?
6. Can I trust myself?
To start to recover, notice that if you reduce PTSD down to its core essence it is simply difficulty processing that the trauma was then and today is now. For people whose PTSD is related to an experience with a sociopath, the problem is that the sociopath may not be gone. The then and now is blurred. The worst things done by the sociopath are in the past and there may be protections in place but the sociopath is still around. Sometimes that source of trauma is the other parent of beloved children.
Recovery in such a context means having a clear head to really sort out what was then and what is now. Next week we will consider other roadblocks to distinguishing then from now.
Dr. Leedom,
This is so enlightening, and goes beyond the DSM lV definition of PTSD in its brevity, especially as it deals with the thralldom of living with or having a relationship with a sociopath. I never could figure out where the PTSD came from in the present, and for me I think it was an exacerbation of PTSD already in place from having grown up in an abusive home. Being with a sociopath in marriage for many years, and having been involved in a cult together for 16 of those years, definitely contributed to many of the symptoms I have today. When one has children with the sociopath, it doesn’t feel like the sociopath is ever really gone. My son looks just like him, and I find myself watching for symptoms way too often, to the point of it almost seeming an obsession. I’m sure this will recede in time. It has only been a month since I had the moment of clarity that my ex is indeed a sociopath. Then, given evidence that it is in the DNA, I am concerned. Just this morning when I took my son to work and he said to me, “We need to check the oil in your car”, or “It’s not normal for you to be getting so many headaches. You need an MRI”, I try to figure out if a sociopath would say that. It’s an ongoing process. “Your words of wisdom contribute greatly to those of us trying to extricate ourselves from harm’s way!!
Wonderful post, Liane!!!!
Housie, I gave birth to a child with PPD, and believe me, your son’s words do NOT indicate PPD…your son is showing CONCERN and CARING with THOSE WORDS.
LOOK AT THE ACTIONS OF YOUR SON on a long term basis. Is he EXPLOITIVE, PARACITIC, ABUSIVE? HATEFUL? MEAN? UNCARING? VIIOLENT? A LIAR?
My son that is a wonderful, caring individual is THE physical IMAGE of my psychoopathic sperm donor. Everything about him is a PICTURE of my sperm donor physically.
My P son somewhat resembles my P sperm donor in the facial expressions and hand writing, but his ACTIONS ARE A DUPLICATE. He is a liar, he manipulates, he is greedy, he is jealous, he is hateful, he has no conscience. He is violent, he is angry, he is FAKE.
If at age 20 your son is not ACTING like your X, you can be relatively sure he is NOT going to suddenly “morph” into your X. Almost always they START their crap by the teenaged years, in fact, it is a “requirement” that they act up before age 18 for an official diagnosis after age 18. (Which always seemed stupid to me that yo ucan’t “label” the behavior psychopoathic if they are not 18, but they MUST show it BEFORE age 18. DUH! Seems wrong to me!)
Anyway, if your son at 20 isn’t “one” then quit worrying! Believe me you would have seen the signs before age 20! Lots of them. ((((hugs))))
“The worst things done by the sociopath are in the past and there may be protections in place but the sociopath is still around. Sometimes that source of trauma is the other parent of beloved children.”-Dr. Leedom
That’s the tough part…minimum contact…mitigating the damage, on a daily basis…but time, boundaries, and Lovefraud help.
and housie…my ex-tox, during the devalue and discard, develped an obsession with “air in the tires”, and was sure I had “medical problems”. My “medical problems” seemed to disappear immediately after the divorce. My daughters all laughed at the tire/air obsession…I took that as a good sign.
My daughters….yeah, I watch for signs every time I see them, adults and teen both. But with the adults…nothing I can really do if “red flags” show up. So we go on.
Life is peaceful, now, at least. You do what you can, when you can….
“The thought that PTSD symptoms are related to some core defect in character/personality serves to further increase the sufferer’s anxiety and level of symptoms. Not wanting to consider any predisposing factors to these symptoms may also prevent a person from doing real soul searching.”
I think that is so right on and also true of thinking about emotional rape, pathological betrayal, whatever you want to call it!
First you have to realize what happened could not have happened without the bad person. You are a victim and you are NOT to BLAME for what happened.
But as a victim you have the ability to to learn new tools to protect yourself better in the future, which includes learning about your vulnerabilities, weak spots…..just like someone learning to defend themselves physically has to acknowledge their weaknesses (as a woman, I’m not going to win in an upper body strength battle with a man…I have to look to what strengths I have compared to a male such as flexibility, lower body strength with the right moves, the element of surprise that a woman knows self-defense moves, a gun and weapon retention training, etc.) And as a person who had a betrayal bond as a child, I need to vet people carefully and over the course of time, with some outside input from friends who love me, before I enter into an intimate relationship with someone. I simply can’t be close to a bad person. I’m still vulnerable to being manipulated….I’m getting stronger, and sometimes I think no one could hurt me again, but why chance it and why get involved with a bad person regardless!
Thanks for putting it so clearly and succinctly. The blame of the hurt is not ours, but the responsibility (the ability to respond) to learn how to protect ourselves better, being aware of BOTH our strengths and weaknesses is ours.
Dr Leedom:
Thanks for your article. True, so very true. But you break it down to understandable!!
I have seen the symptoms in one of my kids….we talked about it in counseling.
After my divorce was granted on Wednesday…this particular child felt such relief.
I was taken back. I never included them, it was MY divorce…but oh how it affected them all having mom in her office, wondering how the car showed back up here for the ride to school the next am, why did mom lock her office, computer etc…. MoM was very busy preparing ….they saw what was going on, they knew, but I couldn’t come right out and include them in ‘what I was doing’…..This child was the curious one, he always asked, if I left my computer unlocked or my office….he was snooping….he told the therapist, she keeps me in the dark….I didn’t want to be accused of involving them in ‘adult’ issues, I was trying to protect them. My S was a drug dealer (this child alerted me), S was abusive, kidnapped the kids after lying to them about my cancer etc….
What I saw in this child when I got him back after being taken, was severe anxiety, jumpiness, memory loss, defensivness, agressive, avoidance, lack of sleep, bad dreams…..all of it….
I am seeing less and less of these symptoms as the S is farther and farther out of his life. Now the courts have eliminated all contact, unless initiated by the kids….they haven’t chosen to contact him in 16 months.
The end of the week has been very relaxing for all of us….the divorce is final, we can talk about the future plans and all have some sort of normalcy to move forward. This child has been home and hanging around after school…not out avoiding ‘home’ as he has done the past few years. He has redecorated his entire room…..like cleansing himself of the ‘past’.
He asked if he could talk to the judge….I set that up. He got the opportunity to speak to the judge in private prior to the hearing…..He told the judge “My mom has gone to court a lot, she has spoken for me, my dad has spoken for me….But I want to speak for myself. This judge said…what is it you would like to tell me….HE LAID IT ALL OUT….was able to feel like he could have some control or input into his relationship with his father…..when he left his meeting with the judge, he didn’t feel heard by the judge, I think he was expecting to be validated right there. That is not the judges place…but he sure felt validated by the outcome. IT was obvious he was heard.
I told him, Oh yes….you were heard, no doubt you were heard LOUD AND CLEAR…every word you said.
The judge had high praise for him!
This made a big impact and is a healer for him.
I am sure he will have ‘flashbacks’ of his past, but I see progress, in him and in situational things that effect his PTSD.
The anxiety in me has gone to nil. I wasn’t anxious seeing the S in court this past week. I think being prepared and armed was key to reducing my own anxiety.
Maybe my son is preparing himself too, in his own way.
Anyways, Dr Leedom, Thanks for your contributions to LF…your insight and knowledge are priceless!
QUOTE: Dr. L “”Not wanting to consider any predisposing factors to these symptoms may also prevent a person from doing real soul searching.”
In my experience, both clinically and personally, I have seen time and time again victims who are unable to FATHOM that their own vulnerablity ALLOWED them to continue the “putting up with” the abuse, and it seems that if they acknowledge that they PERMITTED the abuse to go on and on and ON, somehow they seem to think they are accepting “blame.”
While many people do “blame the victim” I am certainally NOT NOW one of these people. I do NOT blame the victim. But, at the same time, having BEEN a victim, I also must acknowledge that my own vulnerability to being abused was because I had no healthy boundaries, I was a “people pleaser” and afraid to offend anyone that I THOUGHT loved me or that I “should love” because I was related by blood to these people or by “long time friendship.”
Back in the days when i was doing pro bono health care for teh victims at the DV shelter and their children, I saw so many of these women go back to the men who had sent them to me with broken bones, black eyes, cracked teeth, etc. and I could NOT BELIEVE that these women would GO BACK over and over and over! I actually did feel “superior” to them. I knew that I would NEVER go back to a man who had broken my arm or molested my child. I did have THAT boundary, BUT at the same time, I was ALLOWING MY P-SON TO ABUSE ME, take money from me, manipulate me, etc. So was I “superior” to these women, OF COURSE NOT! I could not see the “moat in my sister’s eye” because of the BEAM IN MY OWN EYE! My own arrogance! Now, I no longer feel that way, I realize I am JUST as much a vulnerable person as these women were/are. I (like they did) ALLOWED the abuse, but that does not mean I am RESPONSABLE for the abuse.
Since I cannot stop my abuser from abusing, I must assume responsibility for removing myself from the abuse. That is the ONLY way it will ever stop. I now realize WHY these poor women went back adn back and back to these men. They were trapped in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) like I was trapped in the FOG. I thank God every day that I was liberated from the FOG, and I hope that I can in the future help others to liberate THEMSELVES from the FOG.
Accepting that my early childhood training (and who knows, maybe my DNA) predisposed me to being vulnerable, I have to go back and find out WHAT made me vulnerable so that IN THE FUTURE I will NO LONGER be vulnerable to the NEXT P, and I know that there WILL be more Ps in the future. I have to ARM myself with KNOWLEDGE and self confidence, and overcome my fears of “offending” anyone for any reason. I have to stop blaming myself for not “loving enough” to fix these disordered people. I, in short, have to acknowledge what is “wrong” with me, and FIX it!
Fortunately, what is “wrong” with me was that I gave unconditional trust to the wrong people and now I know why! I am being CAUTIOUS now about dispensing trust without proof that these people are worthy of my trust. My trust is a valuable commodity and I will protect it carefully.
I am as JAH’d said, learning to protect myself and respond appropriately.
A Christian is taught or I was taught , growing up Episcapalian(sp) that we are to love our neighbor as we love our self! To forgive others 7 x 70 or as many times as it takes. That Love conquers all ,that Faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains!
I still believe these things! 110%
Like OxD said from the Bible . Remove the beam form your own eye before you try to remove the splinter from someone else.
Sometimes the Mountain that we want to remove from infront of us cannot be moved before we remove the one we are carrying. Food for thought!
Thanks Dr . Leedom
[Signs and Symptoms of PTSD are grouped into three categories:]
Thanks Dr. Leedom for breaking this down into layman terms and categories. Deep soul searching is essential for our healing progress. Dealing and understanding our own PTSD is also essential to the acknowledgement about what happen to us and is still happening within ourselves. When we acknowledge the symptoms and then try to understand and work on them one by one then we can overcome the emotions and emotion memory associated with the symptom(s). This brings understanding and personal control which aids us in our recovery which give us personal power which helps us with our self-esteem. A serials of walking through a door to reach the next door.
Thanks again 🙂
Awesome article Dr Leedom.
When I was in the nuthouse having my nervous breakdown (after the solicitor and the legal system stole everything from me, charged me and destroyed me), a woman came in who was so badly beaten, starved and brutalised by her “partner” that I could hardly look at her. And I have seen the works.
I remember telling her my story (when I married the P rapist/murderer and lived with it for more than 12 years and had two kids to it), and feeling that I had escaped and now I was giving her “guidance”. DUH!! I didn’t mention to her that I was in there because a solicitor would have been struck off if he didn’t find me crazy, I had been terrorised for a year and lost my inheritance, my house, all my assets and all my money to a psychopath!! It didn’t cross my mind. The physical and emotional abuse I endured during those 14 years was nothing compared with the legal abuse I came up against by the solicitor. The police told me I should leave town because the solicitor had a contract on me. All I had in the world was my 11 year old son and me and my dog. That was it.
I didn’t leave.
The worst thing was that five years after that was over and I had started to recover I walked into the arms of yet another psychopath, (the “dentist”).
I remember one of my shrinks at the hospital saying to me, “I think you are catastrophising your events with the solicitor, it has been a year since he took your home and since you were charged, you must stop thinking about it” ! I walked out of his office feeling guilty for my PTSD. He was the top forensic psychiatrist on the Gold Coast!!
Dr. Leedom:
Is there anything that can be done if you see PTSD symptoms in a small child (5yrs) who has been abused?