According to the National Institutes of Health website “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.”
Signs and Symptoms of PTSD are grouped into three categories:
1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
• Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
• Bad dreams
• Frightening thoughts.
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.
2. Avoidance symptoms:
• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
• Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
• Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.
3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
Unfortunately whenever a psychological experience is dubbed “a disorder” people get the impression that the person who has this experience is “defective” or “crazy” or of poor character. The thought that PTSD symptoms are related to some core defect in character/personality serves to further increase the sufferer’s anxiety and level of symptoms. Not wanting to consider any predisposing factors to these symptoms may also prevent a person from doing real soul searching.
There is one main reason to emphasize that PTSD symptoms constitute a disorder. That is that the symptoms greatly impair a person’s ability to function. They also rob people of love and well-being. Overwhelming anxiety is not conducive to well-being or loving relationships.
Because PTSD symptoms are debilitating we have to address them, face them and ultimately conquer them. That means acknowledging the other fears/concerns that go along with having these symptoms:
1. Am I crazy?
2. Am I defective?
3. Will I ever be normal again?
4. Why did this happen to me?
5. How can I prevent this from happening again?
6. Can I trust myself?
To start to recover, notice that if you reduce PTSD down to its core essence it is simply difficulty processing that the trauma was then and today is now. For people whose PTSD is related to an experience with a sociopath, the problem is that the sociopath may not be gone. The then and now is blurred. The worst things done by the sociopath are in the past and there may be protections in place but the sociopath is still around. Sometimes that source of trauma is the other parent of beloved children.
Recovery in such a context means having a clear head to really sort out what was then and what is now. Next week we will consider other roadblocks to distinguishing then from now.
Reading the above blogs i still struggle with the pros and cons of going no contact with my brother and Father. My dad is ill right now with cancer and my brother is a full blown alcoholic and i’ve tried my whole life to please them both. There are verious degrees of toxicity and the s whome i’ve been in contact with over the last 6 years is the most toxic. I have almost destroyed myself by trying to not accept the fact that some humans are poison and will kill our spirit and im done turning a blind eye as i’ve been brought up to do. The s is a def no contact while my father and brother i still have limited contact with but trust me i’ve weighed pros and cons over this and it’s extremely heart wrentching to say the least when it comes to your own blood but it’s a personal choice and im listening to my gut . People on this site are very well meaning and i’ve been told to go total no contact with my family but you would have to know them personally and my whole life to make that judgement but i don’t think anyone here is trying to be judge and jury. Im being the best person i can be and i realize that im far from perfect myself and that alot of us grew up with dysfunction and what is acceptable for me might not be acceptable for someone else. I’ve seen what the s has done emotionally to his two daughters his whole life and i truly beleive in my heart of hearts they are 100% better off with no contact with him as he’s that evil. Knowing this i still went back thinking i could handle it and it nearly killed me this last time, loss of job and weight etc. i am extreemely mad at what i have done to myself emotionally and physically . I read somewhere that if you want to live Hell on earth, have a sociopath for a parent so my heart goes out to all that have to make the choice to cut all contact. They are being loyal to themselves first which is most important. I’ve been reading the book the Betrayal bond and it’s helped explain why we would keep in contact with people who continually betray us on all levels . Im not sure my family would be there for me as they have their own demons (alcoholism etc.) and are emotionally sick in their own right but that doesn’t mean i am going to cut all contact. With the s no contact is my salvation and yet so very very hard to maintain. As someone mentioned earlier , we’ve all spent way too much time agonizing over whether to go no contact and we can all change it but the reality is they don’t change. I think we are all trying to do the best we can with what we have be it families, etc. love kindheart
KATYA: I find your continued insults of Americans and America insulting, if you don’t like it here why don’t you go back home? I’ll pay for your plane ticket. I don’t care to say on this blog what my ancestry is, but I’m not an American Indian. I would never have gone NC with my parents (when they were alive) don’t go on your own witch hunt and bunch all of us together here like we are all the same. So you have 15+ years of experience — why are you even on this site? Why do you have so many problems in YOUR LIFE?
Shabbychic, are you responding to my words of apology to Libelle? because if you are, it does not sound so. I was merely suggesting that labeling is not good and that we should not lose sight of others who could potentially help us in our lives. I later apologized for using strong words. And – yes, I have referred to cultural variations and differences, with no intent to offend. I am as American as you are and there is no other home for me. And because I AM an American, I have as much right to share my opinions as you do. and I am sharing. BTW, very few dear friends stepped up to the plate in my situation. Most, even when they realize what I am going through pretend to care, or else, find it highly uncomfortable and uneasy to deal with. This is a very individualistic society we live in. If one is unable to critique it, one stands in the way of progress. BTW, there is nothing better to a P than alienation and individualization. That is the way to create dependency and triangulation. So, I am offended by your remark, which is purely personal insult to someone who was trying to rationalize and provide logical reasons for her own feelings and beliefs, however disagreeable they may be.
But, since you are so generous, I am sure I could use a plane ticket to get away for a bit after the turmoil I have been through. How serious were you on your offer, Shabby?
Katya, I acknowledge and accept your right to your opinion that ” BTW, there is nothing better to a P than alienation and individualization. That is the way to create dependency and triangulation.” However, I do not share that opinion in any sense of the concept.
The basis of American democracy and way of life is “individualization” as opposed to social collectivism. The Western world has been fighting against the Eastern world for nearly 100 years now defending our right to be individuals and not collected into a group mentality.
I have two grandchildren (of whom I am very proud) that are members of the U.S. military contining the fight for individual freedom. If you grew up in Russia (??) you may have been influenced by that culture’s mores. Of course, I don’t know but I also have enough knowledge of Hispanic cultures to admire that they seem to have stronger framily bonds than some other North Ameicans. Didn’t you say your Ex was Cuban? I would surmise (and certainly don’t know) that he, too, may have been influenced by Communist thinking (collective socialism)
Knowing this I gave you “slack” about your comments from the beginning. We ALL are the results of our cultural (and genetic) backgrounds whether living in the West, the East, the North, or the South of this magnificant earth; ALL of us created in God’s image and deserving of love and respect.
I can love my EX tormenter who tried to kill me (for only suspected reasons) and I cannot respect him or desire any contact with him. I would never have had any reason to go NC with my loving and supportive parents. They raised me in a loving stable home. Unfortunately, they died years ago and I have been an “orphan” for a very long time.
I don’t think I am expressing fully what I want to say. I guess it boils down to what some have previously expressed: “We all view our worlds through our own filters.” I would think that is very human but challenging as we try to look with love, empathy and compassion outside of our immediate “worlds.”
In closing, I love and admire the American way and would be willing to give my own life to perserve it. (I am a member of DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution having ancestors that fought in that war.) If I say any more and I’d be getting into arean of politics — which is not pertinent to this site or this thread.
Katya, I totally admire your bravery to express your opinions and views. Please continue to do so. I also am glad that neither of us had parents that NEEDED to be ostrasized from our lives. We are among the fortunate ones on that score on this site, but I don’t think we are the only two.
The common denominator here is that all of us have had intimate encounters with non-normal people who caused us many wounds and much pain.
ALL, please forgive me if I have added to any conflict rather than trying to mediate. Perhaps I had no right to respond at all. It’s been an extraordinarily difficult 3 months for me and I’m very tired.
Thank you for your comment. I think it was mediating 🙂
While I have not worked with kids or molesters, I do know about PTSD. I know enough that I have seen people afraid to leave their homes, even greet strangers, tortured by flashbacks, and depersonalized. As hard as it may be to believe, coming from me, I have observed cohort effects on this blog and I am stronger for it. However, with massive amount of NC posts, I wanted to present with a sort of “devil’s advocate” statement, not directed really to anyone in particular, but meant to make all of us evaluate the pro-s and the con-s of choosing to alienate immediate family. I may have done it in a way that was not politically correct. RE US: I have read every book I could get my hands on, so I don’t remember which one states that there are more Ps in USA (the Western World). I hope that clarifies my concerns about out individualistic culture.
I know enough about PTSD to realize that I have it now. Intellectualization helps me cope and manage. So, if I sometimes seem out of sorts, it isn’t because I do not care about what others have gone through and / or going through. To be who I am / was and to learn that I have been fooled in the worst of ways is a very humbling experience and I deeply appreciate the empathy shown to me by others on this site.
All
There’s none of us that are experts. The S in my life was not blood-tied to me (partner, rather than family). It took a lot of strength to finally go NC and more than a few attempts over 4 years (he was persistant) but eventually I did it and, though, a long way from healed, it is at least giving me some space to review the aftermath of this disaster.
However, when I read all the pain that those you who are dealing with an S/N/P who is your child/parent, I see that there are people out there who have even greater challenges and NC isn’t quite so ‘cut and dried’ for those souls.
Maybe it just comes down to what each individual can bear. It’s never an easy choice, either way. If the outcome of NC was that we would all miraculously be healed and feel ‘great, now I can get on with my life’, it would be easy wouldn’t it? But it doesn’t work that way – there’s still the ‘stuff’ to be worked through but what’s heartening about all the angst of the posters above is that it shows that the normal healthy response to cutting ties with our blood is very emotive for us and not something we do lightly – at our deepest level, we all wish it was different and the people we loved weren’t this way- we don’t ‘want’ them to be this way. It’s very hard to let go and for some, so compromising of their whole belief system that it doesn’t seem like the right option, despite the continued contact meaning more pain for them – each must decide for themselves. It’s hard to watch someone you love wrestle with a problem like this (my mother never fully achieved with NC with my alcoholic and violent father – when, at the end of his life, he was pathetic and broken she would to check on him every week and take some food) – he didn’t really deserve her kindness but, for her, it was about the love she had had for him once. She did it on her terms and in some ways, I think she did it as much for herself as him – her conscience wouldn’t allow her not too because she was a ‘good woman’ – I don’t think I would have been that ‘good’. She didn’t take any joy from the fact that, after all the years of hell he put her through, that he was broken and alone) – I used to worry about her going (I never went – that was my choice) but I respected her decision. How I wish that both my parents had been like her but at least I had one loving parent, luckier than some.
I’ve thought about the NC with my father in the final year of his life with terrible sadness at times – I don’t beat myself up about it as he was a sad shell of a man who only thought of himself. The last time I spoke to him, he thought he’d had a conversation with my sister – all he talked about was himself, never enquired about the two beautiful grandchildren who would have loved him to be a ‘real’ grandad so I gave up. It wasn’t easy. When he died, I had to come to terms with the fact that’d he’d been ‘dead’ to me for years and that was a sadness in itself. We all have to try to decide ‘what we can live with’ or what we can live without – it’s NOT the same for everyone. SO GO EASY ON EACH OTHER.
Good luck to you all in your struggles to ‘do the right thing’.
Katya, I should be getting to bed rather than posting — so just one last comment. From seven years of research, I learned that P’s, S’s, and N’s can be found in every part of the world and in every culture.
One book mentioned that Biblical Cain who killed Abel was probably the first psychopath. I’m not sure that America has more than most. If anything, the U.S. may be the fore runner in the scientific research into the disorder and using mostly American citizens to study. Is it possible, Katya, that the book you read was referring to this? (I’m not arguing with you!!!)
Good night, all, (or good morning to some LOL) and gentle blessings to each and every one!
Hmmm. My tired brain remembers also reading research done in Canada, Britain, and Australia. Of course I’ve only read books written in English. Who knows maybe other countries have done research, too. We aren’t the only advanced culture of the world.
Okay, LILY, FERMEZ LA BOUCHE (Shut up, in French) and go to bed!! LOL