According to the National Institutes of Health website “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.”
Signs and Symptoms of PTSD are grouped into three categories:
1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
• Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
• Bad dreams
• Frightening thoughts.
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.
2. Avoidance symptoms:
• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
• Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
• Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.
3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
Unfortunately whenever a psychological experience is dubbed “a disorder” people get the impression that the person who has this experience is “defective” or “crazy” or of poor character. The thought that PTSD symptoms are related to some core defect in character/personality serves to further increase the sufferer’s anxiety and level of symptoms. Not wanting to consider any predisposing factors to these symptoms may also prevent a person from doing real soul searching.
There is one main reason to emphasize that PTSD symptoms constitute a disorder. That is that the symptoms greatly impair a person’s ability to function. They also rob people of love and well-being. Overwhelming anxiety is not conducive to well-being or loving relationships.
Because PTSD symptoms are debilitating we have to address them, face them and ultimately conquer them. That means acknowledging the other fears/concerns that go along with having these symptoms:
1. Am I crazy?
2. Am I defective?
3. Will I ever be normal again?
4. Why did this happen to me?
5. How can I prevent this from happening again?
6. Can I trust myself?
To start to recover, notice that if you reduce PTSD down to its core essence it is simply difficulty processing that the trauma was then and today is now. For people whose PTSD is related to an experience with a sociopath, the problem is that the sociopath may not be gone. The then and now is blurred. The worst things done by the sociopath are in the past and there may be protections in place but the sociopath is still around. Sometimes that source of trauma is the other parent of beloved children.
Recovery in such a context means having a clear head to really sort out what was then and what is now. Next week we will consider other roadblocks to distinguishing then from now.
Sorry, I was going to add, probably as a defense of my inability to respond accordingly to others who have encountered many in their lives — but my MN prayer partner called to ask our united prayer for the North Korean ship that is out on the open seas with weapons and threats.
Can’t really address any other issues at this time. Still trying to sort out my strange reaction to the OLD conversations of EX.
I taught English (and sometmes Spanish) at the university level. Also had my own ESL language school to help adult foreigners perfect their English so they could achieve their life goals — after leaving their own repressive regimes in their own countries.
I pray that I don’t muddy the waters but I would like to read Mesley’s paper, do my own research and perhaps present some opposite conclusions.
If I say more, I’ll be getting into the political realm — which is of great interest to me but inappropriate here.
Love and blessings to all, Lily
Hello. This is my first post on this forum. The internet it has to be said is a remarkable source of support. Tim Field’s site on bullying was the catalyst to finally understanding the dynamics of psychological abuse characterised by a sociopath, and the effect this has on the target. What is striking when I read any page there are so many red flags until there is no white left. My story – the dynamics – are no different from the hundreds of pages I have read. There is nothing remarkable about my experience, my once healthy robust mental health shattered as it leaves the same trail of destruction as anybody who has dealt with a sociopath. In other words I have experienced every kind of symptom a target can possibly have post-attack. For years I used to be brag that my pain threshold is so high that I can withstand a lengthy period of physical or emotional suffering. This of course is not normal, it is sadly a trait a target acquires after long term psychological abuse.
My 2 abusers:
1) female sibling one year my senior. A doctor. Psychological and childhood sexual. 30+ years opportunity to abuse my life and right to grow into a confident adult. Owns the hallmark traits of a serial bully (sociopath). Master manipulator. Highly perfected victim role. 37 years of abuse under her belt.
2) female neighbour. A retired psychiatrist. Mastered every facet of sociopathy. An older version of sibling. Disciplined for abusing her patients. Damaged reputation among colleagues, only known to those who have this information ie my sister and neighbour’s colleagues. (my sister found this extremely useful to know…). My father (retired doctor) gave eye witness evidence. Sociopath moved next door, commence 25 years of punishment on my family in a very orchestrated and successful campaign. My family have been used badly by these 2 people. Relations successfully broken as per their perfected pathological lie, anti social (bullying) behaviour and feigned victimhood act. Result: destroyed targets suffering depression and further abuse.
I have lost count how much these 2 people project themselves onto their targets and the web of deceived victims they call their admirers and apologists. Fraud, mental health, antisocial behaviour, financial abuse. I’ve been accused all these. Not a single shred of evidence, yet their story is believed. I have evidence, plenty of it, but my voice is actively ignored. My reputation severed. I am silenced and the PTSD kicks in.
In the blog: Psychopathy In Women, the first commentator bravely writes:
– I know it sounds hysterical, but I think she is capable of killing, or at least “arranging an accident”
I share this thought.
Cut a long lifetime story of childhood bullying that continues in dangerous tones in my late 30s (!)
May I ask what talk therapy do people receive? CBT? Psychotherapy? Hypnotherapy? I am writing this very unwell, and feel I could collapse and die from the sheer stress and lack of sleep last night. I plan to speak to my GP again tomorrow. I have cut out 15 paragraphs! Can a brain scan show signs of psychiatric injury? I have diagnosed myself suffering Complex PTSD. Classic traits of injury.
On a positive note I have vehemently refused to call myself a victim in all my life. I knew my abuser was different, and I knew not everyone behaved the way she did. The itony is I dont hate her. I never did. I persistently pitied her and my heart bled each time she expressed her wrath. She couldnt stop. No matter what decade: 10, 21, 30s, she simply cant switch off her obsession. I can’t change her. She has certainly damaged me to the point of wanting to kill myself to simply stop the pain. The ugly aspect is that I went through full circle before understanding. I had to suffer the lowest peak in my life and mental health before understanding. The curse that is reaching that knowledge. How I deal with future events (post enlightening and ptsd) is critical to my mental health. I fear the next few years dealing with parental death (inevitable given the fact my father is 81), and dealing with the house and my mother. My sibling (and neighbour) will control the entire episode. there will be nothing normal about my mourning and grief. It will be controlled and abused. This isnt victim speak. Because I have plenty of insight and first hand knowledge how sociopaths operate, I know precisely how they will control me like a puppet on a string. I am presently emotionally exhausted caring for my parents alone (despite ahving 5 siblings who steer clear of the idea of dealing with elderly parents), and will be left to deal with everything and abused the same time.
I’m sorry for the rambling, I am exhausted. Thank you for reading my monologue.
One thing I draw comfort in is that I remain true to myself. Integrity, honesty and dignity. I must admit I am depressed, despite not ever being depressed before. I suffered the hands of an abuser with remarkable restraint. I paid the price of my mental health.
Puppet on a String plays on BBCRadio2 behind me…
Dear Outlier:
Welcome and glad you found LF. There is a lot of healing going on here.
Your story is horrible, as you are fully aware. You will never be doubted here, you will be offered advice and encouragement. Stick around and read, educate and raise awareness……allow the journey of healing through education.
Please try to take care of yourself, try and sleep when you can, sleep is a healer of the mind. At least it offers an escape and a ‘time waster’ to get through some days!
You have some very healthy thinking…..continue with those thoughts….I suspect this is how you have been able to cope thus far….not viewing yourself as a victim and remaining true to yourself.
Try to gain strength in any way you can, empower yourself….you have it in you!
Healing is a grieving journey, there are steps we must go through and process. WE must connect to the pain, process it to change our future.
Take control and allow the process.
I wish you peace today in any way you can find it!
Do something nice for YOU today…..it’s a good start!
We are here when you need us!
XXOO
Hello All,
My PTSD is beyond debilitating. Some days it is so difficult. My therapist has helped me realize that my downward spiral begins with insomnia. This realization hardly helps at 3:00 am. This fact tends to cause me more stress, which causes me not to sleep until 6:30 am and my baby wakes at 7:00.
I know the signs of my downward spirals. Usually one very bad panic attack (they are rare and occur ever few months) can send me into a downward spiral that makes everything seem impossible.
The triggers seem simple. A normal person would be mildly irritated by my triggers and nothing more. However for me, certain triggers put me in a very dark place. It’s horrible to feel the way I feel.
I’m going to vent about the most recent stupid trigger, in hopes that I can “get it out of my system” and somehow move on from it.
Firstly, let my preface by explaining some more. I find that my biggest triggers involve the safety of my son. I know that the most difficult task in parenting for abuse survivors and PTSD sufferers is that they are too hypervigilant of their offspring. I try to overcome it, for my sanity and my son’s well-being. I find that I just do my best to hide my symptoms and pain from my son. My therapist pointed out that this isn’t good, as I’m teaching him to suppress natural emotions. She told me instead to simply tell him, “Mommy’s having a bad day and it’s normal to sometimes feel sad. It’s okay to cry.” Then, I’m supposed to cry in front of him. I don’t really agree with my therapist, so I don’t do this. Am I wrong? I continue to hide my grief from my son, but in doing so, I’m passing on a generational sickness passed on from my family, to always hide all negative emotions. My mother even said she was grateful for Cancer. In being raised Mormon, I was taught that all negative or sad emotions are “of the devil” and should be hidden. It should come as no surprise that the state of Utah has the highest rate of prescriptions for Lexapro and Zoloft of any state in the country. Deny and hide. They don’t talk about taking Zoloft though. It’s all secret and hidden (please don’t infer that I think Zoloft and Lexapro are bad, because that is not the case). Before I invite this to be a discussion of Mormonism and open the floodgates to all who want to defend this cult (it’s NOT a religion!!!!), I will stop digressing and get back to my point.
My point? I find it very difficult to deal with little things that happen to trigger me. Although it rarely happens, when it does, it sends me into a very difficult few weeks and an EXTREMELY difficult couple of days. I had felt myself feeling down lately and was first triggered a few days ago. It was a light trigger, but it effected me enough that I knew I was susceptible to a bigger trigger, if one happened to come along. I haven’t slept for many days after that trigger, so I knew that something like this big trigger today would happen. However, knowing it would happen did not help me in stopping it. That’s what I need help with.
What was my trigger? My neighbor decided to fill a large bucket with Turpentine and left it on her porch. For what reason? I have no idea. The maintenance person who discovered it (after my son was rushed to the ER) said the neighbor had not even diluted it with water. It was raining, so the rain is what caused it to overflow. It overflowed onto my porch and my window was open. I smelled fumes in my home and then my baby started choking. He went blue and had difficulty breathing. He then started vomiting violently, at which time I ran him outside and called 911.
To make a long, horrible story short, he is fine now. He received medical treatment and was discharged. He is/was still very grumpy after his ordeal, which is understandable. He finally fell asleep, but I’m sitting by him and watching him sleep as I’m typing this, to be on the safe side.
I think I was so triggered because my ex threatened to burn our place down while I was with him. While he pourted gasoline everywhere, he kept saying, “I’m going to kill all three of us”, a couple of days after he found out I was pregnant. He did the same thing, in many different horrific ways that week. He poured gasoline all over and threatened to light our place on fire. It was horrible. I felt sick to my stomach, thinking I was going to die, with my baby inside me. Besides when he threatened to drive our car into a semi at 100+ mph, repeating the same phrase, “I’m going to kill all three of us”, only a day before that, it was the worst moment of my life.
Now, whenever I sense any kind of threat toward my darling baby, I get so stressed. When a real illness or event like today happens, I go into such a dark place. I cannot even begin to express the pain and sorrow I feel deep inside. I think I have survivor’s guilt or something. I don’t really understand enough about survivor’s guilt to know though. I just have so much difficulty dealing with things like this now. To everyone I know if real life, I seem fine, but inside, the pain I am feeling is impossible to explain. I am suffering.
Thanks for listening.
Edit: “While he poured gasoline”, not “While he pourted gasoline”. I’m thinking of your spelling joke, Kim, and laughing.
Dear Jill,
I agree with your therapist about “hiding” (or trying to hide) your feelings from your toddler.
I am reading a really good book now about PTSD and the things it does to our brains by a woman whose credientials seem great. She is Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. director of harvard Medical School’s mind/body clinic. The book is MINDING THE BODY, MENDING THE MIND.
She states that talk therapy is COUNTER PRODUCTIVE to PTSD, and that “Imaging” helps very much. I used Rapid eye movement therapy which is a sort of imaging therapy actually, and it HELPED ME A GREAT DEAL AND VERY RAPIDLY where talking had not. I recommend this book highly and the EMDR therapy as well.
The science basis she uses for this (and explains in the book) makes SENSE to me (I am a retired medical professional and a science base is important to me).
Your hyper vigilence about your son’s safety is NORMAL given your X’s threats and terror campaign.
Your upbringing in a repressive culture also fits right in with what you are experiencing, and having grown up in one that was very similar to yours (though not mormon) I absolutely agree with you, that it is DIFFICULT to totally reprogram yourself but I am making pretty good progress with doing just that. Becoming aware of where our dysfunctional coping comes from, what it is, and then making a deliberate decision to change our stragey is the FIRST of many steps necessary.
Some of our programming is so subtle, I think, that just becoming aware of what is making us think/feel something is difficult so it will be I think, a life long process as well. But the longest journey starts with a single step.
NC with my egg donor and her cohorts, and validating my own decisions and thinking is coming easier and easier now that I have made a few “trial runs” with setting boundaries etc.
Jill, you are a bright young woman with so much going for you, and I know you are stronger than you give yourself credit for, you STOOD UP for what was right EVEN AGAINST your entire family, faith, culture, etc. and it takes a STRONG PERSON to do that.
So you give yourself a big pat on the back, baby-chicks! YOU DUN GOOD! ((((HUGS))))
Jill, no wonder you have PTSD!
I agree with your therapist, don’t repress, this hides reality from your baby. This is what N’s do – hide reality.
Try to focus on the miracle of having survived from the P.
That shows you that God is taking care of you and has his reasons for saving you. Maybe, it will help with your PTSD.
Oxy, not sure if I’m on the same thread as where you recommended it, but thanks for the referral to the book Minding the Body, Mending the Mine (I think I have that right!) , I just ordered it and will give it a try. I’m too rural to get therapy now, so maybe I can do some more healing with the book. Thanks!
Jill:
There is a time when we are tired of being tired….I believe this is a natural evolution of emotions in us….
At this point you may become tired of living with this fear….
What I did was give in to it……it went against every grain of ‘naturalness’ that I felt….but I just decided one day….Okay….so kill me……I’m not afraid of dying! You better make it good…..because i won’t go easily…..and it might be YOU that ends up dead!
Once I faced fear directly in the face…..(and I saw death as the last and final fear)……I removed that from the equation.
He had NOTHING else to use on me.
I took my power back.
It wasn’t that I wanted to die…..but I new I was tired of the anxiety and fear I allowed the S to provoke in me.
As a Mother, we have our ‘mama bear’ protection instincts…..then you add the S to the mix.
What you are feeling is very normal and very appropriate….
It is just very hard to deal with the emotional and physical repurcussions.
You will find a way to evolve into a coping place…..and then evolve from there.
It does get easier the more distance we create from the situations of the S.
That doesn’t help you now! Right at this moment.
So….all you can do is be the wonderful mother you are and ocntinue to grow and learn……take care of yourself, be good to yourself and try to find pleasure in the day to day.
I am sorry you have such an idiot neighbor……what a fool!
I am sorry your son was effected so badly by neighbors stupidity!
And also that you are feeling the stress from it all.
again….try to take it easy, pull yourself up, identify the triggers and continue to move in a positive direction!
Re: the therapists advice…..I think it’s fine to show your child emotions…..I didn’t let me kids see all the ‘down days’, just a part of them…..I was carefull to try to ‘balance’ it……and not drive them away and have my tears become a daily reality to them and harden them to my pain.
Today, I took my daughter into town and she could sense I was not ‘on’ it today……she asked if I was okay and I just told her, I’m having a bad day….nothing big, nothing specific, but I’m emotional.
She said, I’m sorry mom and gave me a hug.
I think my honesty told her, there is nothing specifically wrong, and there is nothing anyone can do but allow time to pass and be sensative to my current emotions.
I feel good about how I approached it.
We are human, we have emotions and dealing with the situations we do as survivors of a toxic relationshp…..we are bound to be sad…..many a day/week/months……
We just need to be careful not to use our kids as crutches.
Feel better…..
XXOO
Jill, you may be hypervigilant, but in this case you have a legitimate reason to be enraged at your neighbor. I think she should be held accountable for the medical bills.
I totally understand where you’re coming from about being triggered by little things, as this happens to me as well. Rather than getting triggered by memories of violence as you do, many things set off parental neglect for me. Last night I was spending time with my boss’ daughter who is soon to be 18. The daughter is tall, gorgeous, and very spoiled. And yet she is very entitled about the things she does not have. I came home all plugged in about my parents’ neglect. I dreamt last night that my mother bought a very pretty tea set for one of my co-workers. It would have matched perfectly in my house and I coveted it. But for my gift, my mother bought me some index cards, as if for a rolodex for recipes, even though I have no use for any of that. It was quite painful in the dream. I still feel the pain of my mother’s neglect, and it gets triggered by being around people who got so much from their parents that they feel forever “entitled”. This is part of my own narcissism. I even sometimes experience a type of “sibling rivalry” with my co-workers over my boss’ attention. Another one of the “ugly” things about myself I am trying to face. I generally hide this stuff because every day I get up and put on my “big girl panties” and go to work, mostly putting on a poker face. I really feel that the only way out of depression permanently for me is to bring this all to the surface and work it out.