According to the National Institutes of Health website “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.”
Signs and Symptoms of PTSD are grouped into three categories:
1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
• Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
• Bad dreams
• Frightening thoughts.
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.
2. Avoidance symptoms:
• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
• Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
• Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.
3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
Unfortunately whenever a psychological experience is dubbed “a disorder” people get the impression that the person who has this experience is “defective” or “crazy” or of poor character. The thought that PTSD symptoms are related to some core defect in character/personality serves to further increase the sufferer’s anxiety and level of symptoms. Not wanting to consider any predisposing factors to these symptoms may also prevent a person from doing real soul searching.
There is one main reason to emphasize that PTSD symptoms constitute a disorder. That is that the symptoms greatly impair a person’s ability to function. They also rob people of love and well-being. Overwhelming anxiety is not conducive to well-being or loving relationships.
Because PTSD symptoms are debilitating we have to address them, face them and ultimately conquer them. That means acknowledging the other fears/concerns that go along with having these symptoms:
1. Am I crazy?
2. Am I defective?
3. Will I ever be normal again?
4. Why did this happen to me?
5. How can I prevent this from happening again?
6. Can I trust myself?
To start to recover, notice that if you reduce PTSD down to its core essence it is simply difficulty processing that the trauma was then and today is now. For people whose PTSD is related to an experience with a sociopath, the problem is that the sociopath may not be gone. The then and now is blurred. The worst things done by the sociopath are in the past and there may be protections in place but the sociopath is still around. Sometimes that source of trauma is the other parent of beloved children.
Recovery in such a context means having a clear head to really sort out what was then and what is now. Next week we will consider other roadblocks to distinguishing then from now.
I do not want to think of myself as a person suffering from PTSD. My psychopath never hit me. Actually. people used to call us “lovebirds.” He appeared devoted, caring and he spent a lot of energy trying to please me. He said all the right things and I was eating it up. Of course, what I did not realize was that I was gorging myself on lies. When the light came on, he was already gone, supposedly to a funeral. He cried as he lied about the death of his best friend. I doubt now that his friend even existed, or that he had a son who died. He lied so easily, and I believed him.
Now, in the aftermath, I find myself unable to focus, I can’t sleep, and when I do, I am frightened awake by horendous dreams, in which he has hurt the people I love. He is on board all of the time, And he is poisoning me still. I do not understand why he is so violent in my dreams, though. The worst thing is that I usually forgive him the horrible crimes he has committed, and in the morning when I wake, I almost feel the need to apologize to the people he has hurt…but explaining the dreams to anyone will most assuredly cause folks to think I am losing my mind, after all they are just dreams. But the reality of it is that I am affected for weeks by events which never actually happened, and I fear going to bed. When I wake screaming, in a cold sweat, I just want to die. I have to find a way to deal with what this monster has done, even though he never laid a hand on me. I have tried taking something for sleep, but all that got me was disqualified for a job when traces of sedatives were found in my drug test. Unfortunately, employers do not want to know the “why” about the presence of drugs, it just “is” They do not see my efforts to go out and get a job as a step toward my recovery, and explaining anything about it only shows them that I am not stable and not a good candidate for employment. I just want normalcy. I want it badly. How can I explain the inexplicable, without sounding like a crazy person? I am tired of him still being a part of my daily life, even though the last time I saw him was February 10. I want to be truly free.
christie lee:
You are describing a lot of the signs of PTSD. A person does not have to physcially abuse you for the victim to suffer from PTSD. It is all about trauma. And speaking from personal experience, emotional/psychological trauma is far worse than physical trauma.
Matt..Yes, I agree that it would have been easier to deal with this if he had actually hit me, and I can’t believe I just said that. At least then I would have known how to react….leave the loser, file charges and so on. I would have been over with this by now, at least partially. I am 52 years old and am so tired of starting over. I feel myself becoming stagnant, stuck in a world where fear rules, and the odds are stacked against me.That sounds so pathetic…yuk!!
Just when I think I’ve gotten it all into perspective, he’ll do something that brings the paranoia and fear back. I get over it quicker, but I wish I wouldn’t react at all. Sometimes I have to remind myself of all he did so I don’t succumb to his charm and make sloppy decisions regarding our three year old son.
And now, his 23 year old girlfriend (he’s 36) seems to be aiding and abetting his behaviors. Per the custody order, he gets drug tested every month. This one came early this month so he knows he’s free and clear until June. I think they were both stoned when they dropped off my son this evening…I think they knew I was suspicious and she said things specific to a drug test for work she just past, to improve the con.
What she doesn’t know is that her only hope to not be mentally, emotionally and physically abused by him is that he might actually be stable if he’s not doing drugs. Don’t know that he would be, as I don’t thing he’s been sober long enough for anyone to determine.
And, I have to face her now at every drop off, birthday party and occasion for our son that’s on common ground and not warn her?!?!? I have to pretend enough to not upset him but show enough reaction that I’m not aiding him in conning her.
How does one overcome PTSD entirely when the abuser remains in your life and continues to work his sadistic magic? I’m much better at not reacting to his direct attempts to manipulate and make me uncertain and question myself. But I can’t stop questioning him and the safety of my son when he’s with him!
im on the most incredible downer..
Hey muldoon….that was me a few hours ago…now I have to try to sleep and I am dreading it. I remember being “up” and it was all about being so in love and finally having someone to trust. So, up is overrated, and I’ll take this “down” anyday over being lied to and manipulated. I know my experiences with my sociopath have changed me, how I will turn out is still a matter for debate. I’d say cheer up but that’s dumb….that is exactly what my friends and family tell me all the time …I am angry at them for minimalizing my trauma/pain. Like it is so easy to just “get over it” I want to tell them to try living in my heart for just one minute…they would be in for the shock of a lifetime…..
Dear Duped…
Oh my goodness….It is too bad that the young woman and you will probably need to form some sort of recovery group when he is through with her. She won’t know what hit her. They are getting high together, or she would not have been so quick to talk about the drug test when she saw that you were suspicious. When you do suspect that he is violating the custody clause about drugs, what are your options? As the parent with custody, can you report this to anyone and have him spot-checked? I know this will piss him off to no end, but how can the courts expect you to leave your child in his care when the situation calls for intervention? Do you know the parents of the young girl? If I were her mom, I would be very interested to know what is really going on, and that my daughter was in real danger. They probably think that she has caught herself a keeper, because of all the “charm” When they need to pick up the pieces of her shattered life, they will see just what you have been dealing with. Good luck to you
duped…I saw your post last night, but had to think about it. My daughter was 10 when the ex-tox and I divorced, now 13.
The girlfriend, her family…you probably can’t “help” them. You most likely have been “smeared” as the crazy ex. He has to bring the new girlfriend to “get” you.
If the “custody clause about drugs” is under someone’s supervision, contact them. Talking about drug tests (gf) in front of the 3 year-old?…not cool.
Perhaps you could arrange the “drop-offs” at a police station…since you have “fear and paranoia”. Let ’em show up “stoned” there. Have the custody papers with you.
Beyond that, do what you can when you can. Over time (over 3 years for me), it gets better. You can pick your battles. At school functions, I treat the ex-tox and her married-to-someone-else (still)boyfriend as “potted plants”.
Take care of yourself and your son. The effects of PTSD with minimal contact (controlled by you: if it’s not directly related to your son…no response, no discussion, ignore it) will lessen.
Thanks, Christie Lee and Jim, for the replies. It has been about 2.5 years and this is where I’m now at.
He is tested every month, but he is lean and she worked in a supplement store for years. They know how to cleanse on short notice. The testing, while through an agency, is not monitored by any officials. As long as those are clean, I have no legal recourse directly associated with consequences for drug use. The only card I have is taking him back to domestic relations, as he pays less then they would hold him accountable if I did…and money is what he cares most about. But once I play that card, I no longer have it.
She has money in her family so, while she’s only a college student now, he’s playing the long con. I know I can’t help her and any efforts made to do so will only make me look like I’m the one lacking mental health. This I get! And I realize he tries to do things to get me to do just that, so he can point the finger and say “see!” She is not my problem, my son is!
He is doing fine. And, as long as he is, the less I react the better. I know this…in my head…but I still feel the anxiety in my chest, have trouble sleeping, have bad dreams and wake with the situation at the top of my brain. That’s the PTSD this article addresses and THAT’s what I want gone…it’s been 2.5 years for crying out loud!!! I see a therapist every other week and take good care of myself and my kids. I get it…but can’t shake it!!! And so, I hate and feel anger…which I hate…and feel anger to myself for still feeling!!!
Processing it helps, as long as I get it out and then let it go. And I will…but the latest incident just happened yesterday and is still fresh. I will give myself till tomorrow…
Your feedback and presence in this with me is greatly appreciated. It’s important for me to commune with people who “get it” when this is happening. It helps me remember it’s not my fault and it is what it is.
Dear Jim,
I have missed your posts and good sense, my friend, but you must keep in mind that I DO wield the CYBER IRON SKILLET and have been known to severely BOINK someone on the head when they “displease” me, so take warning, my dear friend, that if you don’t keep in contact more often I might just be provoked to get on Fat Ass and come after you! LOL ROTFLMAO Since Poor henry is being such a dear, now that I have his head sufficiently flattened that I think aniother concussion from the “skillet” might do brain damage, I do need another foil for my latent hostilities! ((((hugs)))) glad to see you back!