According to the National Institutes of Health website “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.”
Signs and Symptoms of PTSD are grouped into three categories:
1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
• Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
• Bad dreams
• Frightening thoughts.
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.
2. Avoidance symptoms:
• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
• Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
• Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.
3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
Unfortunately whenever a psychological experience is dubbed “a disorder” people get the impression that the person who has this experience is “defective” or “crazy” or of poor character. The thought that PTSD symptoms are related to some core defect in character/personality serves to further increase the sufferer’s anxiety and level of symptoms. Not wanting to consider any predisposing factors to these symptoms may also prevent a person from doing real soul searching.
There is one main reason to emphasize that PTSD symptoms constitute a disorder. That is that the symptoms greatly impair a person’s ability to function. They also rob people of love and well-being. Overwhelming anxiety is not conducive to well-being or loving relationships.
Because PTSD symptoms are debilitating we have to address them, face them and ultimately conquer them. That means acknowledging the other fears/concerns that go along with having these symptoms:
1. Am I crazy?
2. Am I defective?
3. Will I ever be normal again?
4. Why did this happen to me?
5. How can I prevent this from happening again?
6. Can I trust myself?
To start to recover, notice that if you reduce PTSD down to its core essence it is simply difficulty processing that the trauma was then and today is now. For people whose PTSD is related to an experience with a sociopath, the problem is that the sociopath may not be gone. The then and now is blurred. The worst things done by the sociopath are in the past and there may be protections in place but the sociopath is still around. Sometimes that source of trauma is the other parent of beloved children.
Recovery in such a context means having a clear head to really sort out what was then and what is now. Next week we will consider other roadblocks to distinguishing then from now.
At first when I got to this site, I felt tremendous support just in knowing that there are others with similar issues. I shared this site with others, felt that you all definitely helped me feel stronger, and wiser. I also started rushing home to read and share. An Addict I’ve become, like when I was addicted to the X. But, lately, I have been painfully aware of how different I am from many others. I would never dare even consider of going NC with my parents. This is purely cultural, but I have to just share this. Did they tie you to the radiator? did they beat you half conscious? if not, what right do any of you have to stop supporting your families, those who brought you into the world and those you have given life to. What happened to “respect and obey”? what happened to “learn from mistakes?” So, you can limit your interactions some, but I dare anyone on this site to tell me this: we assume so readily that others are with problems, others are the Ps and the Ns. pretty soon it will feel like we are living amidst a colony of chimpanzee. My mother and I fight a lot. I can’t stand her sometimes. She can’t stand me. But, you know what? we love each other. When we need each other, there is never a question of whether the other party will be there. That’s healthy. Screaming/ arguing/ fighting isn’t. But, you know, I’d rather have my very dysfunctional mother and my very dysfunctional self than even consider going NC with a parent. And because I don’t know anymore of your story and apologize if your father beat you, raped you, and cut off your fingers, I am not at all sorry. Your parents are the closest relatives you will ever have. You will be an orphan once they are gone.
PS. I read your post and MY post to my teenage children and they gave me a purely American response: stay OUT of it. I am sorry to be offensive, I realize that I am being blunt and direct. but, I cannot watch so many of you go NC here, NC there, and labeling, labeling, labeling. Did you realize that PTSD IS a mental Illness? Most of us here are Mentally Ill. Practice love neighbor more. And another thing – NO, YOU MAY NOT diagnose your mom, dad, or even an ex with anything, unless you have the training and experience necessary to do so. I have such training. I have 15+ years of experience. I am allowed to diagnose. Unless your Ex was diagnosed professionally, you may not give him a diagnosis. Dr. Leedom can, Steve can, LCSWs, PhDs, and MDs are the only people who can diagnose your family member. DO NOT get NC happy. PLEASE
As for my own personal testimony.
I knew that at 13 years of age being a ward of the state that my biological mother was abusive and toxic to me. The state of Illinois gave me the chance to stay (the state even paid for the airfare) with her or return back to Illinois living in a group home placement. I choose to return. After returning back to Illinois I never once call her. Not once!
I met her again when I was 32 and found out she didn’t change at all. Not one bit. She was the same controlling abusive person I knew at 13. After returning again back to my home state I again went NC and never call her or contacted her again. This all happen before I knew anything about PD/Sociopaths and what no contact was as I understand here at LF. I did this because that is what I wanted! Also note to reader I met and saw my biological mother only four times in my lifetime and I thank God for that each day of my life.
Dear Katya, no my father did not rape me, and my mother did not hurt me physically. I am also not qualified to diagnose my parents, as I am an MD but I do not have a speciality degree in psychiatry. I am though aware that my parents are toxic to me. While breaking up with “my” X my sister who is a divorce lawyer hinted me to google the word psychopath and I found him described very well. Of course he has no formal diagnosis , and I consider him as “toxic”. Hence I found Lovefraud, which was from then on my lifesaver and my self help and my do it yourself psychiatrist.
But for sure I know that my parents did not love me, my father even said it once to me that he did his very best but could not love me as he got no love himself, and my mother and I had lenghty conversations about she was not loved as well, and that she gave me all she could but that it was very difficult loving me, as I was so easygoing and the other two siblings had problems, and they all just forgot about me. For that I have forgiven them, I cannot forget it though. And the thing with the radiator was just another reminder how they think (“He is such a fun person, very clever physicist with PhD, but you would not believe it, such a nice girlfriend, so bright, so witty, and HE is so cultured? But it must be true, can you believe it?”)
BUT I constate that even after the fact that my father and I have spoken about it and I made my point clear he continues to insult me in public in front of people he wants to impress, and this is very toxic for me irrespective of the fact what “label” there might be. I do not break any contact, but I try my very best for not getting emotionally involved which is very hard with parents getting older and needing more help and assistance with time. And I am always there on a practical level when they need me, but I have already ceased to discuss personal matters or future professional plans or the like with them, as I know I could write it in the newspaper or put it on a billboard on the roadside, as they did not and do not honor my wish for privacy at all.
I come from a long line of dysfunctional people, all very clever, charming, good looking, very successful initially, but everybody broke in the end so that for generations also women got a profession to sustain themselves as nobody could rely on the family in this respect.
We got severely psychically neglected in our childhood and I felt very unwanted my whole life. I have discussed this already with my family, and there is general agreement on this.
Every once in a while everything connecting to my miserable personal life is stirred up like a very bad nightmare, and then I come to LF and read and vent, and most of the time things get better as I can sort out my feelings and share them and by posting they are kind of “gone” in the cyberspace, like going to church praying and lighting a candle.Maybe it was even worse this time as I had to take a detour with my car that led by the house of the X yesterday, kind of breaking NC with him too?
I am very aware that this affects my personal psyche as well, and in fact I was discussing with my mum this very afternoon on the phone why we all make so bad chices in life with our partners, either divorced and with a strange second cold wife, single mom with x-partner not even aknowledging his child he has with my sister to his next wife, and I have ended the toxic relationship with X just some 15 months ago.
I had to stop this very hurting conversation as it is pointless and would hurt us both even more when going into detail.
Furtermore I have to function on a professional level and I cannot permit myself to go mentally insane and I do not want to be labelled as such! After all it is 15 months since I broke up with X, and NOBODY would possibly understand me besides the LF-community.
I think I do not owe you anything for explanation, I am just very sad and feel tremendously alone now and all the bad stuff came up in a moment meant to be a happy evening that turned out to be a major nightmare.
Thank you James!
To Katya: My entry was my very own pure personal opinion of myself, and I was venting, completely unbalanced and ranting. I take your entry also as such and I will not take it personally! I found your entry quite offensive, as I tried very hard to “obey and honor” my parents, for years and years, and my mother always had the bible on her lips as entitlement. I am over with it!
I am Italian-Swiss-German without one drop of American blood. I will take your assumption as a compliment for being straightforward (one thing I learned with X and LF).
I started to second guess myself whether I was REALLY MENTALLY ILL, as you said, because then I had to stop working as a MD with cancer patients immediately. I decided it is just a flash back, and that it will be OK by tomorrow. I think there are various degrees of PTSD.
I also would never ever encourage any woman to “have fun and a nice evening” with somebody who has a PhD and is cultured BUT I know that he handcuffs the girlfriend to the radiator prior to going out himself. That is what both of my parents told me, that everybody was nice and pleasant, as I checked PRIOR TO THE EVENING who was going to this evening too. Mother provided the information AFTER the evening, she had this information from my father as the man and he are buddies. So sick!
You are welcome.
What surprised me was how I did NC at age 13. But when visiting her again because of my sister’s request that at age 32 while in her company I learned just to agree with her. I didn’t want a disagreement between us and knew I would be there for a short time. Funny how sometimes we need to let them use us as supply just in the name of peace. Again I didn’t know about PS’s let alone NPD. I just went with the flow to save myself stress. I will tell you all I was very glad to leave and go back home to my state.
Katya, I think that going no contact with anyone that we love or have “tried” in ernest to love is a heartbreaking, gut wrenching decision that no one on this blog has taken lightly -speaking from the herendous stories of torture, abuse, and Brutality that some have endured at the hands of someone that is OUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.
IT is such a PERSONAL decision to make, and no one has the right to take a moral high ground on what is RIGHT for an abused person to do regarding their abuser.
You, nor I, have any right to make a call on what constitutes abuse either, as scars come in MANY FORMS.
HOW much TORTURE should our bloggers take, I ask you???????
Katya, You said
that “YOU will be Orphaned when they (parents) are GONE. Let me say that these BEAUTIFUL souls here on LF would have BEEN BETTER OFF from birth to have been orphaned than to continually be abused from some of the monsterous excuses for PARENTS they have had the misfortune of having!
I commend these guys for breaking the Trauma bonds of abuse and saying NO MORE!!! These guys are not only survivors but are saints-
they have broken the CHAIN OF ABUSE- NO longer allowing a bloody legacy of child abuse to continue in a generational CURSE for themselves and their own PRECIOUS FAMILIES.
They have fought against all odds to become productive, giving,valuable, lovely souls that DONT abuse even tho some have seen nothing but abuse by the hands of their “EGG DONORS” – as Oxy says.
I was BLESSED to have had NON abusive parents, So I am not one that you were referring to, BUT I must stand up for these beautiful souls here as I detect insensitivity and outright degradation for their choice to thrive (by means of N/C) DESPITE their dysfunctional families attempts to keep them cowering in a corner.
.NOT to change the subject-but I believe in in the bible and Gods word- PLEASE show me where our heavenly Father speaks of ALLOWING ABUSE on any terms. In fact, He warns of EVIL and to stay away from it. HOW IS ANY PARENT THAT HARMS THEIR OWN CHILD NOT QUALIFY AS EVIL??? You also said that “you LOVE EACH OTHER. (speaking of your own family)
DONT you think the majority of these guys here LOVE theirs?????
Loving someone and taking continued abuse are two separate things. AND, what about loving ourselves, valueing ourselves enough to say NO to this EVIL?????
These so called “parents” who got away with abuse sure as heck dont deserve to continue to abuse for a life time.
Libelle, I commend you and James for being strong enough to make those tough decisions and continue to help others here. Neither of you guys have to explain your reasons for your decisions to anyone here.Again, as I said before you, us ,- we ALL are survivors here. TOWANDA.,
Sometimes you just have to cut off all contact and for those who have never had to make that decision, it’s not their place to judge. It’s a difficult decision to make, but making it is a step toward freedom and emotional health.
It’s about finally setting boundaries to those who have repeatedly broken boundaries and who have no respect. I agree with Sabrina that it is not someone else’s place to judge a personal decision like that.
Libelle, you are brave and I admire you for the courage it has taken you to set boundaries in your life and cut off contact with someone who does not have your best interest in mind. It’s your business and your decision alone. I’m so sorry you had to “listen” to an attack about such a painful topic.
Katya- I am not trying to put you down for your honest assessments, but I think those of us on this site ARE QUALIFIED to decide for ourselves if someone close to us is dysfunctional.
Most therapists admit they have never met a P. Here on LF, we all have lived with them -parents,spouses, children, coworkers, etc. I understand your point I think, that we dont want to create “witch hunts” assuming that everyone is sociopathic, but we cant live our lives henging on what a PHD, MD. etc. does or does not “clinically Diagnose.” REGARDLESS of an absolute bonified diagnosis, we must protect ourselves from those who exploit, use, and choose to do harm to us.
Libelle and Others,
I am sorry for being abrupt and I do realize that everyone has his / her own set of circumstances to deal with. Most assessed my comments as I have intended them: I am concerned about the “witch hunts” and I am concerned about alienation from those who are family and hopefully are there to count on in times of need. I think it’s a fine line between tolerance of others’ shortcomings, and fear that they are truly wishing to do us harm. (Example, I got locked out of my house at 2am couple of days ago. My mother was asleep, at her home, after a long day. I called her up, woke her, and she immediately drove by to let me in. I could really do without the lecture, but as I feel I deserved it, I had to bite the bullet and deal with enormous, almost outrageous tirade. NC is not an option and I am so happy that when my X tried to alienate me from my family I did not fall for it.)
I have never in my life met a person as low and as deceitful as my X who “helped me” ruin my family, put my kids in jeopardy and alienate many of my friends. This is a truly Psychopathic, very mentally ill villain who cannot function outside of his sickness. With the resent posts re PT and with more and more individuals going NC with their immediate families, I wanted to share my genuine concerns. It’s easy to break, but not easy to built. I have learned it the hard way and I do apologize again for stepping over any boundaries I may have crossed.