It really bothers me that researchers haven’t developed a measure to help people figure out if their loved ones are sociopathic. Instead, measures have been developed and the public is told NOT to use them to “diagnose” anyone. What good is research if it doesn’t teach people how to protect themselves? It would not be too difficult to identify a group of sociopaths, then determine a few easy questions related to the disorder most of the sociopaths answer yes or no to (that is sensitivity). The questions would be even better if non-sociopaths were unlikely to give the same response (that is specificity).
In a recent study (Comp. Psych. 48, 529), Dr. Heather Gelhorn and her colleagues from the University of Colorado have determined the four questions that identify sociopaths with a good degree of accuracy (sensitivity and specificity). Additionally, there are some other questions that also help. The best part is that these questions are easy to ask so you don’t have to have a Ph.D. or an M.D. to ask them.
Before I tell you the questions let me give you some background. As part of a large study, government researchers interviewed 43,093 residents of the United States. Of these, 1,403 were diagnosed with sociopathy (932 men and 471 women). That was between 3 and 4 percent of the total sample. These individuals were asked a number of simple questions about their behavior. The answers to these questions given by diagnosed sociopaths were then compared to answers given by other people who had only one symptom of sociopathy and so could not be “diagnosed.” These sub-clinical sociopaths numbered 17,767 men and 4,659 women. There are a lot of somewhat “sociopathic” people out there (22,426, over half the sample). The issue is how we identify people who are the real deal, given that so many “are a little sociopathic.”
Dr. Gelhorn and her colleagues performed a statistical analysis on specific questions and on groups of questions to determine those that best specifically identified the sociopaths. Of these four questions, a “yes” answer to any two was a good indicator of sociopathy in both men and women:
1. Have you ever hit someone so hard that you injured them, or they had to see a doctor? OR: Physically hurt another person in any other way on purpose?
2. Have you ever used a weapon, like a stick, knife or gun in a fight?
3. Have you ever had a time in your life when you lied a lot, not counting any times you lied to keep from being hurt? OR: Used a false or made-up name or alias? OR: Scammed or conned someone for money, to avoid responsibility or just for fun? OR: Forged someone else’s signature—like on a legal document or on a check?
4. Have you ever robbed or mugged someone, or snatched a purse?
Two other questions were nearly as good:
1. Have you had a time when you bullied or pushed people around or tried to make them afraid of you? OR: Harassed, threatened or blackmailed someone?
2. Have you ever stolen anything from someone or someplace when no one was around? OR: Shoplifted?
The basic problem is finding questions that all sociopaths answer the same to, and that no one who is not “a sociopath” answers that way. There was one question that everyone who answered yes to was a sociopath but the problem was that too few sociopaths endorsed this item. In other words, if your loved one answers “yes” to this you can say with a high degree of confidence he/she is sociopathic, but not answering “yes” does not rule out sociopathy. This question was:
1. Have you ever forced someone to have sex with you against their will?
I find it remarkable that habitual lying is on the same list as other more obviously hurtful behavior. It is clear that if you are with someone who is a liar; you have to wonder what else that person does that you do not know about.
The purpose of this analysis that Dr. Gelhorn and her colleagues performed was not to help us pick out sociopaths. The purpose of the study was to help us identify teenagers who are likely to develop sociopathy. These researchers found that 75 percent of people who had conduct disorder as teenagers went on to become sociopaths.
An observation I found particularly interesting was that cruelty to animals was not very common in sociopaths, either as teens or adults. Whereas 67 percent of sociopaths were “physically cruel to people” only 22 percent were physically cruel to animals. This information is consistent with what Sandra L. Brown, M.A. and I found when we surveyed the female partners of sociopaths. Sociopaths were always mean to the people in their lives, but only a few were also mean to animals.
What conclusions can we draw from all this? First, sociopathy is a disorder where people use coercion, either physical or non-physical, to overpower other people. Why do sociopaths do this? As Dr. Steve said this week, because they like to. This power behavior gives them pleasure. To them, having power is like having an orgasm. The reason physical violence is especially pleasurable for some is that observing someone else crying or wincing over what they did makes them feel especially powerful. Those sociopaths who are better at observing and understanding people just lie to hurt. They don’t have to see physical pain before they can get that gratification.
It’s funny this came up, because when I showed a friend some pictures of The Wrong Man when I was first dating him, she said, “Are you f*ing kidding me? Look at those eyes! He looks like an axe murderer!”
Which brings up something else I’ve been thinking about. We know that a very small percentage of this sort of being becomes serial killers. What about the serial nature of the ones we’ve involved ourselves with? If I look back on the things this guy did to me and the way he treats other women, he’s performed an almost ritualized, repetitive emotional rape of very similar women. To my knowledge, he’s never been physically violent, mind you. But he takes things from each victim and enjoys the hunt and thinks he’s smarter and better than anyone else, and that he’ll never be stopped. Much like Ted Bundy, only without the murder. Is there something to that? I’d love to hear what Dr. Leedom or Dr. Stever had to say about it.
Dear notquitebroken
Yes they are predators and there ought to be laws against this behavior.
Thanks for replying, Dr. Leedom.
I guess I didn’t quite ask the right question, though. They’re all certainly predators, but it’s the very serial nature of what these perpetrators do that I was asking about. As I understand it, the very nature of a serial crime is one that is repeated, sequentially, in an almost ritualistic fashion. Is the repetitive nature of what they do part of the sociopathic personality? Are they doing the same thing to different people because they don’t really differentiate between us as individuals? Is there some sort of compulsion that makes them do the same things over and over rather than move on to new and different thrills? Are they seeking different results from the same thing over and over again or are they proving something to themselves by repeating successes?
notquitebroken: I think that’s an excellent question – one that makes me wonder too. My best guess is that they do the same thing over & over because they can, and somehow it’s working for them. On the other hand, in Hare’s book, it says that psychopaths/sociopaths have trouble learning from mistakes. So even if it stops working for them, they may be unable to learn from that and change their ways – not even to another bad way, never mind a better way.
I think its like a stage play for them… and the excitement is never knowing exactly how it will turn out in the end but they basically know most the lines. Of course the victim has the ability to change things up a bit, depending on our reactions and actions throughout but the next time around they just use things we said, actions we taught them by communicating our needs… to make the next showing of the play better.
His ex girlfriend told me he was a creature of habit… this is when I found out he was sleeping with her. She spouted off a series of restaurants, hotel in Vegas, concert, all his made up excuses for things… to the exact things that he had done with me or said to me. He followed a pattern with all we did, that matched all they did. Whenever I would suggest, hey why dont we go to the comedy club for instance… it never ever seemed to happen for dumb reasons… but now I know it was outside his regimented plan… didnt match his pattern so we never went in two years. Thats just one example.
I never experienced violence nor heard of others having either, but I still feel a little scared at night – hoping that he isnt lurking around and checking on me or deciding to take me out so he wouldnt have to deal with the emotions he pretends to have about losing me. I dont know how you tell what they are actually capable of. Does the past always predict the future? I dont know…
findingmyselfagain: I think you are right–it is like a stage play. They follow the same patterns over and over because they are good at it and it has worked before. I got the feeling that during my affair with the S, he used the same “techniques” he had used before. He almost seemed ritualistic about it in some ways. For instance, we always met at night after work. He seemed extremely uncomfortable about meeting me during the day often canceling for seemingly bogus reasons. I also got the feeling, there were certain things he prided himself on–one of these was not spending any money on the people he would have relationships with. He bragged that a woman he had seen previously would always pay for their hotel rooms. Then it occurred to me that he had never spent one dime on me–no gifts, no meals, nothing. I always felt like he kept me in a “box”–there were only certain times he would correspond, call or meet me. Some of this was due to his marriage, but mostly, it was never explainable except to infer this was his ritual–how he kept everything compartmentalized. Physically, I lost quite a bit of weight and lost an incredible amount of productivity. I spent hours thinking about him, checking for him online and sending thoughtful e-mails that would most likely be ignored for days and days. I became obsessed with my appearance and spent a ridiculous amount of money on new clothes and things. I neglected so much of what I needed to do and what I previously enjoyed. He took up residence in my brain and I am still wondering if I will ever be able to fully “evict” him.
Notquitebroken:
You asked – “Are they doing the same thing to different people because they don’t really differentiate between us as individuals? ”
Well, yes. I think it’s mostly because they see other people as objects to be manipulated at their will, and (like normal people in this next regard) they have a standard pattern of their own behavior…so some of it is quite inflexible. Like they may enjoy staying in, so each person becomes the gf who stays at home with them and cooks, but the manipulations are the same.
Does that make sense?
I also suspect that the NEXT victim gets what the previous victim wanted or complained about…it’s the P’s way of still seeing themselves as the PERFECT creature AND it’s their way of thinking they are still hurting the previous person (usually those of us who wise up and have left). Giving the next victim whatever the previous victim wanted (pretending to commit, making marriage plans, spending more time, whatever) also frustrates the current victim, because it may not be what they actually want.
What I noticed with the S I was with was his peverse NEED to deny whatever it was you most fervently needed from him at the time. He took literal pleasure in being contrary, both in argument and in not giving you whatever it was you said you needed. Boundary-jumping, pushing the envelope.
Yet he gave me things I never wanted nor asked for, and as time went on, I started to believe he was giving me the things THE LAST VICTIM said she wanted.
Remember, no real emotion, no real empathy. All they have to work with is whatever clues, suggestions, complaints are given by the normal people with whom they interact. In that context, it makes sense to me they’d follow a pretty standard script and maybe change it with the next victim based on the last victim’s personality.
OMG, when I read Swivelchair’s comments, “Do you dream?… may be a question that can determine if someone is a psychopath (sociopath,etc.)” it really touched a nerve with me. My sociopath told me he DID NOT DREAM and I thought that was odd, as I dream in vivid color…I have never read about the correlation between dreaming and sociopathy before.
Also, wp’s comments about “Photographs seem to catch what sometimes we miss in the moment. Being a photographer …when I get to editing them, I notice those blank & fiercely sinister looks, that I didn’t see at the time I was taking the photograph.” I did not notice this “look” when my sociopath looked me in the eye (he did, and I was entirely convinced he was a man of integrity)…but in now looking back at the photographs he looks scary! and hollow and sinister. Amazing that I missed it at the time.
Also wp, regarding your comments, “My best guess is that they do the same thing over & over because they can, and somehow it’s working for them.” My sociopath is extremely patterned, going to the same restaurants and vacation spots, the same gift routines: gas card, cell phone, yellow flowers, red flowers, jewelry, trips…to ensnare each new woman and make her believe he “loves” her (although we know they have an incapacity to feel love). My former S is so good, he has, honest to goodness, gotten his new victim to buy him a million-dollar-plus house in less than four months (her money down, he’ll pay the hefty mortgage). Little does she know, as soon as they sign on the dotted line, half of her equity is his, and he’ll take out home equity loans against the property without her knowledge, or signature. He’s very conning and convincing. He is willing to spend money up front to “buy” love and later expects reciprocity (10 fold) from the woman. They are convinced he has money from his extravagant lifestyle, when in fact he cons business partners, and women, and is doing other illegal scams.
I have also become fearful since speaking with his ex-wife (she had an accident with some heavy equipment she was hauling for him…hitting her in the head, and I have wondered if this was actually an “accident” as he had mega life insurance and he loaded the equipment) and the ex-wife also she said he overmedicated her to the point that she had to be hospitalized (was this an “accident”?) As I had him on my will as the trustee should I die (of course I changed this immediately upon discovering his affair) I have been terrified that he actually has the potential of causing his mate to have an “accident”. Does anyone have any experience with this type of behavior?
Also, I did speak to his new “love” and I tried to warn her, and told her to seek legal representation before investing with him. But I was met with denial and hostility from her (he’s probably told her I’m “psycho bitch” even though I was actually trying to protect her). Have others had much experience with contacting the “former” and “present” victims? Is there ever any success with this approach? Or do the women ever contact you later and say, “you were right?”
To OxDrover, you are so right about “the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior”. I recall my S being very rude to his ex-wife, constantly hanging up on her and saying cruel things. Well, guess what, he did the same to me.
And to findingmyselfagain, who said, “I think you are right it is like a stage play. They follow the same patterns over and over because they are good at it and it has worked before”, my sociopath used to say he wanted to be an actor, he was in plays in high school. Well, I’ll tell you, he is the very best actor I’ve ever met…every action, every behavior, everything was perfectly staged and an entire set up. He told his (former) best friend that he didn’t love me, but “it’s all about the money”, and that sums him up.
To wp, who said, “My mother always said, if someone is often nasty to other people, even if they’re not currently nasty to you, eventually they will likely be nasty to you, because it’s in their character” Your mother is right, and so are you.
Thank you all so much for your comments. Cheers to happy healing.
peggywhoever: Yes, I have tried repeatedly to warn my ex s “new love” as I knew her before he left me for her and she is only 30 years old and I am old enough to be her mother. I have referred her to this site but I really don’t think she’s ever investigated the notion that he is a sociopath. She says she knows that he has “problems” and that she is also his friend as well as his lover and plans to stand by him no matter what! She says that he has nothing to “use” her for. Within the first two moths they were together and even before she divorced her husband, he had talked her into investing her savings into a doublewide mobile home to place on his mother’s property leading her to believe that the property was his. It may very well be someday, but the property is not deeded to him. A lot of money had to be invested in the actual property in order to prepare it for the mobile home setup. A road approximately 1/4 mile had to be cut and rocked, and all the things it takes to pump water from a nearby spring that is used for the source of water. He tried and tried to get me to invest money in this property and I would not because the land was not deeded to him. He has a stepfather and two other siblings. His mother is 12 years older than the stepfather and no will has been prepared in the event of her death. I had my own house and property when we married in a location convenient to where we both worked. The mother’s property is actually in a neighboring state and it would have taken me nearly 2 hours to get to work from there! The move added another 40 minutes drive to the girlfriend’s commute to work from where she lived before. She told me that she wasn’t worried about it, that if they split up, she will just take the house. I don’t think she realizes it’s not that easy. She’s bought him all kinds of clothes and even a new jeep to be seen in. He openly brags to his friends about all the things she buys him and how much money she makes. He did the same thing when he was with me. A red flag, for sure! Most 40 year old men with any sense of pride just don’t do this!
Another thing: it seems that s don’t really focus much on whether or not they actually “legally” own the things they want. They seem content just to have temporary claims on them. Like his mother’s property, his girlfriend’s house, the girlfriend’s jeep. It’s like these things are toys that they claim for a time. He was the same way with my property and new vehicle. He seemed to enjoy being able to tell others and let others assume that these things were his. I guess legal ownership would require them to extend more responsibility, huh?
I think another reason that it is difficult to convince the “new” person that they are indeed sociopaths is because it’s the extreme cases that get portrayed in the media–serial killers, etc. The girlfriend says he has nothing to use me for. Well, I was warned about him and said the same thing because I certainly didn’t see myself as being wealthy. However, I have a secure income, had just bought a new house, and drove a new car and am an attractive, nurturing and caring woman. He had absolutely NOTHING. So, in his eyes, I had a lot to be used for. He sucked the girlfriend right into his fantasy world by his smooth love talking and attentiveness. Sometimes, I think she’s as sick as he is. She just doesn’t get it!
Tami Newman:
Thanks for your comments regarding contacting the “next woman”. I guess at least we can have a clear conscience that we tried. And I think you’re right that actual “ownership” of the toys isn’t essential, but the seeming possession of them seems to suffice.
I’d like to see a description of the sociopath that includes some of the specifics on Lovefraud…maybe sub-sets like the inability to dream, the “hollowness” or mean looks captured in pictures, abnormal sexual behaviors, abandonment of children, etc. I did look up Dr. Hare’s description which included the following:
A person can be diagnosed as antisocial if since age 15 he or she has shown a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others. The person must have indicated at least three of the following:
– Failure to conform to lawful social norms
– Deceitfulness
– Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
– Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicted by repeated physical fights or assaults
– Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
– Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
– Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent about having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another