It really bothers me that researchers haven’t developed a measure to help people figure out if their loved ones are sociopathic. Instead, measures have been developed and the public is told NOT to use them to “diagnose” anyone. What good is research if it doesn’t teach people how to protect themselves? It would not be too difficult to identify a group of sociopaths, then determine a few easy questions related to the disorder most of the sociopaths answer yes or no to (that is sensitivity). The questions would be even better if non-sociopaths were unlikely to give the same response (that is specificity).
In a recent study (Comp. Psych. 48, 529), Dr. Heather Gelhorn and her colleagues from the University of Colorado have determined the four questions that identify sociopaths with a good degree of accuracy (sensitivity and specificity). Additionally, there are some other questions that also help. The best part is that these questions are easy to ask so you don’t have to have a Ph.D. or an M.D. to ask them.
Before I tell you the questions let me give you some background. As part of a large study, government researchers interviewed 43,093 residents of the United States. Of these, 1,403 were diagnosed with sociopathy (932 men and 471 women). That was between 3 and 4 percent of the total sample. These individuals were asked a number of simple questions about their behavior. The answers to these questions given by diagnosed sociopaths were then compared to answers given by other people who had only one symptom of sociopathy and so could not be “diagnosed.” These sub-clinical sociopaths numbered 17,767 men and 4,659 women. There are a lot of somewhat “sociopathic” people out there (22,426, over half the sample). The issue is how we identify people who are the real deal, given that so many “are a little sociopathic.”
Dr. Gelhorn and her colleagues performed a statistical analysis on specific questions and on groups of questions to determine those that best specifically identified the sociopaths. Of these four questions, a “yes” answer to any two was a good indicator of sociopathy in both men and women:
1. Have you ever hit someone so hard that you injured them, or they had to see a doctor? OR: Physically hurt another person in any other way on purpose?
2. Have you ever used a weapon, like a stick, knife or gun in a fight?
3. Have you ever had a time in your life when you lied a lot, not counting any times you lied to keep from being hurt? OR: Used a false or made-up name or alias? OR: Scammed or conned someone for money, to avoid responsibility or just for fun? OR: Forged someone else’s signature—like on a legal document or on a check?
4. Have you ever robbed or mugged someone, or snatched a purse?
Two other questions were nearly as good:
1. Have you had a time when you bullied or pushed people around or tried to make them afraid of you? OR: Harassed, threatened or blackmailed someone?
2. Have you ever stolen anything from someone or someplace when no one was around? OR: Shoplifted?
The basic problem is finding questions that all sociopaths answer the same to, and that no one who is not “a sociopath” answers that way. There was one question that everyone who answered yes to was a sociopath but the problem was that too few sociopaths endorsed this item. In other words, if your loved one answers “yes” to this you can say with a high degree of confidence he/she is sociopathic, but not answering “yes” does not rule out sociopathy. This question was:
1. Have you ever forced someone to have sex with you against their will?
I find it remarkable that habitual lying is on the same list as other more obviously hurtful behavior. It is clear that if you are with someone who is a liar; you have to wonder what else that person does that you do not know about.
The purpose of this analysis that Dr. Gelhorn and her colleagues performed was not to help us pick out sociopaths. The purpose of the study was to help us identify teenagers who are likely to develop sociopathy. These researchers found that 75 percent of people who had conduct disorder as teenagers went on to become sociopaths.
An observation I found particularly interesting was that cruelty to animals was not very common in sociopaths, either as teens or adults. Whereas 67 percent of sociopaths were “physically cruel to people” only 22 percent were physically cruel to animals. This information is consistent with what Sandra L. Brown, M.A. and I found when we surveyed the female partners of sociopaths. Sociopaths were always mean to the people in their lives, but only a few were also mean to animals.
What conclusions can we draw from all this? First, sociopathy is a disorder where people use coercion, either physical or non-physical, to overpower other people. Why do sociopaths do this? As Dr. Steve said this week, because they like to. This power behavior gives them pleasure. To them, having power is like having an orgasm. The reason physical violence is especially pleasurable for some is that observing someone else crying or wincing over what they did makes them feel especially powerful. Those sociopaths who are better at observing and understanding people just lie to hurt. They don’t have to see physical pain before they can get that gratification.
It is also hard and pointless at times to try and convince the other woman because she is in the charming stage. None of us would have believe another if told either. And as the “relationship” continues we are more engaged, more cocooned into their lies that again we wouldn’t believe anyone else. It is only when you YOURSELF come to the point of recognizing that the revelation occurs. Sometimes alerting another will only push them further into the mess.
Peggy-I want so bad to send the diagnosis list to him, just to show him that I know. But that wont do any good either. I have mentioned it to him in the past and he just doesnt care! In fact, by giving him this information it just validated his behavior and he wrote it off. “Well, that is the way I am. That explains it, cant change it and dont care!” I think because it saddens me to think they are incapable of change, unable in any way I feel bad and that as well keeps me stuck!
well my ex s path thinks hs completely normal. normal he think all his exes are the ones with problems, im sure he thinks im mad .he told me once that he lied a bout going to school to his mother. i think that was a regular thing. so guess that was the start. he always seems down trodden like hes taking revenge on society for not being who would like to be. i noticed this early on when i first met him.
Oh my sociopath thinks he is normal as well. Thinks the people in the world are all screwed up. When I told him I thought he was a socio, that didnt make him think he wasnt normal. That just validated him making him feel more normal. And yes, everyone else he was involved with had the problem…not him.
How can you be sure if someone is a sociopath? Mine can’t keep a job because she’s smarter than ‘98%’ of all people. She dumped me because I was smothering her – after I had saved her home and car from foreclosure. She claims to have had and survived hepatitis C – that she is an ordained minister in the Jehovah Witnesses – that she is a licensed masseuse – she has a checkered past, drug use, etc. – and I am the first white man she was attracted to. She has 2 interracial boys. Am I a sap because I believe all of it? She accused me of lying to her about telling my family about how rocky our relationship was – she claims to have a near perfect conscience. Lying is unforgiveable in her eyes, and yet I wonder if I’m just gullible or she’s sociopathic. She plays World of War online incessantly and has a hard time maintaining a relationship with the gamers online – she wants to call the shots for everyone. In the months that we had a relationship, we never had sex – only once we were married could that happen. She has a the worst temper I’ve ever seen, flying into a rage over what I perceive as trivial things. I’ve not seen her for weeks. I wonder if I’m not better off without this relationship.
Mickeymulder, I think you know the answer to your own question. It sounds like she has you hooked, but I think you deserve someone who treats your kindness with the respect it deserves. Keep reading this site. Men are less common visitors here than women, but there are certainly female sociopaths out there, and they’re a lot like what you describe and a lot like what we’ve all experienced in their male counterparts — taking advantage of us and putting all the responsibility on us and claiming to be so wonderful and perfect. Don’t sacrifice all your self-respect. Run!
Thanks, notquitebroken. This has cost me alot more than the money and goods that I’ve given up. This mey be the first time in months that I don’t feel so alone.
Is he a sociopath?
I have met this guy in the internet in 2004, Its a long distance relationship. I have been with him 6 x already and I have discovered many things about him. During the earlier years, we talk a lot in the phone he calls a lot in the beginning even 3x a day phone calls that would last hours sometimes. Yes he says i love you many times and easily. He calls my kids our kids, his father he insist I call our dad etcetera. He gave gifts was generous in his own way, paid for my trip to a country to be with him etc. He joined my parents 50th wedding anniversary join family pictures as if he is serious with me! But somehow through all these years something doesnt add up.
I have broken up with him twice already. It pains me so much about what happened but when I read what other women have to go through I know am still lucky. I still love him a lot. I feel that maybe the relationship can still be save that I should go back to him but also a part of me say better stay away from him to have peace of mind.
Here are my findings about him:
– he had a felony case i think 7- 8 years ago( but am not sure exactly what is that) he said he was being accused of hitting his own autistic daughter but that was over 10 years ago and his records are now clear thats why he got work now in the military as civilian employee ( this work is true cause I have seen copies of his employment etc)
– when i met him he was seeing a psychiatrist he had low self esteem and i encouraged him to find a new work he likes and he did. i help him with his bio data letters of application and just encourage him and now he has his self esteem back and have his own high paying job in the federal government.
– he claims he is divorced but i feel he is not really divorced. their conjugal house is still in his name and that of his wife. but i was able to see a document written by a lawyer of his wife asking for financial support. the letter says, Your wife, not your exwife so i feel he is still married but he keeps on denying that he is still married, he admits though that he is unhappy with her exwife and that her exwife is verbally abusing him.
– he was married twice and he claims that his first marriage did not work because he caught his exwife with another man. he claimed that he tried suicide ( but unsuccesful, he said he tried to hang a rope around his neck) when he found out about his first wife having an affair. he said his second marriage did not work either because his second wife verbally abuses him.
– he was bankrupt once ( he told me this) and he is very happy his credit standing is now back
– he is a womanizer! he picks up hookers, he has lots of condoms in his bag and the KY jel ( big bottle), but he denies being womanizer. isaw his yahoo messenger and he had lots of contacts with women. He creates a yahoo id of his women so they can probably use it to get in touch with him. I notice this as he once log in with a user id of another woman i saw this happened twice, two different women, two differenet user name aside from his user name.
– when he stayed with me for two weeks last year, he claimed he just arrived from the airport ( he didnt want me to fetch him) but i saw in his passport that he arrived a few days earlier. he also left me earlier than his date of departure based on his tickets
– when i confront him about his lies ( his womanizing) he denies it and then accuses me of like being his exwife, he says i have no right to look at his things
– he has pictures in his laptop of him having sex with another younger woman ( maybe 15-20 years younger than him) he is 56 and these are explicit pictures of his and her genitals and the sex act etc. i was so shocked when i saw it that i ran away
– he chats with other women and i suspect he calls them too while at the same time he says he loves me and in two years when he retires he will settle down with me
– he promised me marriage twice-thrice already in the past it never happened
– he does not call as often as he calls these days ( before he calls everyday, now once in two or three daysi suspect because he has lots of women, because now he has his own money, he has been promoted recently and he is getting lots of good reviews of his performance ( so he claims) and i think in this case it is true cause he has been promoted twice already
– the first time i broke off with him he didnt get in touch for two weeks then he came back and i accepted him . he said he will bring me again for a holiday to another country and i will meet with him there in december. He arrived in that country he mention but i was not there this december and on top of that he did not get in touch with me for 4 days which was unusual so i suspect he made another short trip somewhere with another girl, thats what he usually d oes but he denies this and gets terribly angry at me over the phone when i tell him my suspicion. he rarely says sorry he just gets angry with some explanation ( i was working i was busy, i was mad at u so i did not call etc)
– he visited my country twice without my knowledge , i saw the stamp in his passport) and i suspect he saw other women
– i read two love letters from two different women from his bag. these women appears to be hookers.
– one time i ask him if his conscience does not affect him when he hurts people, he openly admitted that he does not let his conscience affect him
– he claims at one point his ex wife or wife has colon cancer stage 3 or 4, and his wife will die within 5 years that was 2 yeas ago. his wife is still alive and he admits he is back to living in their common house ( when is on holiday which is just once a year for abt 1-2 wks) but they have separate bedrooms and he is unhappy with her. But when i first met him he was living in a different apartment from his wife, maybe they reconciled once he found a job i dont really know he refuses to elaborate he just said we have separate bedrooms
– he confessed to me that after his alleged civorce with his second wife, he lived in with another woman and visited another woman in britain ( i think a rich one ) but these relationships did not work ( he said they left him and they hurt him) i suspect there are more women he had relationships there, but these are the only two relationships he claimed he had once his second marriage broke down
– i notice some small lies here and there for example the first few months we met, he said his austistic daughter who is in the custody of his exwife called him up and said ” dad” and he even said he wants to send her ticket so she can visit him. a year later i mention this to him he said he has never ever talk to his autistic daughter and that the prime care giver of his daughter is his exwife and a half sister i keep on wondering why he as a dad does not get to visit her daughter even if she is already in her 30s? or why he as a dad felt no need to see his own biological autistic daughter?
– he said he is not happy with his family (his step children from his second wife) and he is not in touch with them in anyway at all. he is very emhatic about this to me!
– he has unpaid phone bills running up to more than $1000 in two phone companies but he told me that he wrote formal letters to these phone companies telling them he is going out of the country so he could no longer continue subscribing to them.
– his phone bills have many cell phone numbers
– his bank account have remittances of $75,$25, $50 dollars when i confronted him that he maybe giving money to other women ( he sometimes gives me too ) he said its not true that he is giving money to his sister/ brothers.
Now that i left him a week ago, ( i just wrote him a brief note that he should not get in touch with me anymore because i want peace of mind, i did not accuse him or say any bad words in my email) he wrote me 3 emails , one promising a trip abroad , one greeting me hapy valentines and his love for me, and third his recent pictures. what was strange is that 30 min after i sent that break up email, he called me claimed he did not read any email from him ( when i ask him about receiving an email from me but i did not elaborate aabout the contents of the email) and he was very very nice. i just let him talk and talk and made appropriate nice response. he has not called back since then just the emails.
i have not replied, have not called him but i miss him so much, i remember some of his kindness , i remember our long talks in the phone how nice it is, i sometimes think that maybe he will change, that God will touch his heart and i can help him be a better person. sometimes i think he is not really socio path for instance he does not get money from me, he gives gifts, remembers my brithday etc. or there are times he tries in general to be good to me ( i am not that cruel he will say to me). but i also remember two things about him his lying and womanizing.
i have found your website and it has help me in my decision so far not to go back to him so far.. i hope i can make it.. by the way my family does not like him, my daugthers especially, my sister and brother in law said that his body language shows that he does not really love me and that he can see that while i am not rich he can at least be comfortable with me! maybe its true he knows i am good person and i am not poor ( although not rich) i have my own home, my stable job, i have a maid at home. my family is good too.
is he a sociopath? pls help me.
hannah: I understand the part about how you miss him. I went through a relationship very similar to yours for two years and I have been out (this time) only a month. I sometimes think I’m crazy when I list in my mind all the insane things that happened during our time together and wonder how STILL I think about him, miss the calls, the conversation, the sex, all the routine things we did together and the comfortable level we had with each other. Its like you are dating two people: one you are sick inside every day that you are involved and the other you love and would do anything to make it work. I hope you will keep reading here, that is what I have done. I read the site every day to remind myself that I am not loving a real man. Its all fake, the good part. And all the ugly part is real. The reality is what you will deal with forever if you choose to continue to be with him. It is a hard thing to accept but the past proves what is in store. Be strong and save yourself and your sanity.
Jules and change06:
As for telling a sociopath they are one, mine said he was right and everyone else is always wrong. They would never see themselves from our view. There was a reason or excuse for every thing he has been caught doing wrong – so in his eyes, he was right. Even when I finally broke it off for good with him, he said I had managed to convince myself of all negative and all I wanted was to focus on the bad.
I was told by his last girlfriend and she even cheated with him on me – that he was a sociopath. I was a little worried I recall about what she could mean exactly but I did not really believe it until I lived through the emotional ride they take you on. It is so very unexplainable to anyone but you on this site.
It seems to be very easy to most people to dislike the Sociopaths ways and easily break up. I still dont know why it is so very hard to “evict” as someone said above, him from my heart and mind – when I know I do not like him or his character when I truly look at who he is. It is the craziest mind game I have ever experienced and I talk to myself every day about staying away and knowing why that is best.
findingmyself- I don’t think it was easy to “break up”. I had no closure to consider a “break-up”. He just disappeared. I absolutely do think it is difficult to “evict” them from our hearts and minds! Even when we are aware of their character. This has been the craziest mind game I have experienced as well!!! It is of utmost benefit to yourself to continue the journey of staying away. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve clarity and truth from anyone you are involved with. The lies and deciet get us right back in the same seat which is a VERY uncomfortable chair.
I should say I meant its easy for people around us to think it should be easy to be done with our S. People in my life who care about me, have seen the damage he has done, yet they dont understand how it is so hard to be done with the relationship. I dont understand either, but its a trap the S gets us in, that people cant understand unless they’ve been there. I appreciate this website so much – it is so comforting to know people here understand the misery and the love you can feel towards them at the same time.