Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
After reading this article, a memory came to mind of a specific incident involving my ex who is a Sociopath, and how his actions instilled fear in me, even from afar.
S had just completed his prison term for Criminal Harassment, Uttering Threats and Assault against me. S was court ordered not to communicate with me directly or indirectly. S had a long criminal history which involved what you’d expect from a Sociopath; Assaults, B&E’s, Uttering Threats, Fraud, etc.
On Valentine’s Day; less then 2 months after S’s release from prison, I received a package containing a number of items: 1. A heart shaped box of chocolate. 2. A plush toy – two bears attached at the hip, holding between them a baby bear which was holding a heart. Crazy glued to their heads was the labels “Mommy, Daddy and Baby …….. (our son’s name)”. 3. A card addressed to our son (then 12 months old), and signed by S, stating that he loved us more than life itself, that he could not live without us, that his mommy and him were going through a thing, he was watching us, and he’d make sure we’d all be together soon and never be parted again.
I contacted the police to make a report. After a lot of discussions between the officers, they decided to pursue charges but seemed unsure as to the correct course of action. On one level they seemed to sympathize with S who wanted to reconcile with his “wife” (we were never married and lived together a relatively short period of time). They also grappled with the fact that the card was labeled “my son” so they questioned whether it was a direct or indirect contact, as our child wasn’t specifically named in the restraining order. In the end the crown decided not to pursue it. I was in disbelief as S regularly watched me and followed my friends in direct defiance of the court order but was hard to catch him at it. This delivery in my mind was concrete evidence of his defiance of a protection order and parole conditions. I remember at the time, that the bear and letter in particular were especially chilling for me as S had vowed previously to kill me should I leave him.
Dear DoggyDog,
I can only imagine that you must have been very frightened at this implied threat. Sometimes they do carry out the threat to kill you if you “escape” their control. Because you are a possession, not a human, and if they can’t control you, they want to break you.
Good for you for making a report, bad on them for not taking action. For evil to flourish, it only takes people not taking action when they should. BAD ON THEM. I would suggest that if it happens again you go to the level above the men/women who did not take actions when the threat was OBVIOUS TO A BLIND MAN.
Glad you shared your story. Glad you are here, this is a good and healing place where people DO get it! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for your safety.
keeping_faith,
Thank you for your posts about the Myers-Briggs types. It’s good to have someone with certification clarify these things for us.
When I mentioned wondering if there might be a correlation between type and victim, or type and N/S/P/, it just seemed like an interesting possibility to explore. Your mention of a large percentage of the same type being present at one of your sessions for business lenders emphasizes what I was trying to get to with my question.
Anyway, thank you! I have enjoyed your posts on this subject. Very informative.
Plowman:
“How anybody can sugar coat a felony record, working for an escort service and screwing three guys while telling me she’s not talking to anyone else, telling ’Frank’ that he’s basically old news (after he paid the $8000 to keep her from going to jail) and telling ’Todd’ she’d marry him is sickening and disgusting.”
Fact is, they do, and it is sickening and disgusting.
When I met my S, he had just been released from prison 3 weeks earlier (I didn’t know that until later). When I found out, I was willing to overlook that, because I was in love with him.
What I’ve come to realize is, my S, and any S for that matter doesn’t realize how lucky they are. To this day my S doesn’t realize that he was steps ahead of most excons — a boss who held his job for him, a friend who let him live with him until he got back on his feet, and me and the love (and money, etc) I had to offer.
Most of society runs in the other direction from someone with a record. But, sociopaths just don’t get it. And if we wait, they will end up back in the system. Not our problem.
Also, regarding the incessant texting — that has become a non-negotiable for me. My S never put the phone down. Even when we were on holiday someplace like Greece, he was on that thing constantly.
I vowed never again. At a minumum it is bad manners. At a maximum it speaks volumes that I just don’t rate nearly as high as whomever is texting you.
I recently dated somebody very briefly. The surfing the web, checking email etc was non-stop. I finally told him that there should be nothing more interesting on his mobile than me sitting opposite him. He got defensive. I hit the road. I am never going to be made to feel second (or third, fourth or tenth) on somebody’s list of priorities again.
Thanks Eye,
Right back at you ! 🙂
By the way, I loved the explanation in one of your posts, of the meaning of your name. Makes perfect sense to me. I too am trying to be reflective of mine!
Even though this post is almost a week old, I’m just now seeing it. I’m SO inspired to share my S story. This is such a wonderful site. Sometimes, even if you’re very lucky and find a friend or therapist that understands about sociopathy, they don’t always understand the outrage that these seemingly “innocent” comments cause. My S was a master manipulator and con-man. I just chose not to see it until after I’d lived with him for 6 months. He (like so many S’s) zeroed right in on my weaknesses and played them to maintain his con as long as possible. When we first began dating I was newly divorced from an abusive N and was just reclaiming myself. I was going out with friends and starting to feel good about myself: physically, mentally and emotionally. I see now that I was still quite fragile, but at the time it felt like I was free and happy. I began dating many men who commented on my looks. This may sound shallow, but after being raised by an N mother who made a point of always belittling my appearance while pointing out her physical superiority, this was so very important to my self esteem. When I met the S, he was initially very complimentary. After we’d (now I know there was no ‘we’, just ‘me’ in this relationship) been dating exclusively (so I thought) for a few months and he “had me” he began making comments about how I wasn’t attractive enough for him. He said, in fact, I was the least attractive person he’d ever dated, he preferred “models” (I DID model) but it was “ok because you’re nice”. No one else understood that somehow this comment wasn’t just being honest and complimentary of my personality. It was an intentional insult, and part of the web that caught me up for 6 years. My nature is to ‘prove’ that when someone finds fault with me (especially when that fault is phrased in such a way as that it could somehow be improved upon) I fight like hell to prove otherwise. Well, I spent 6 years trying to prove my worth to him. Now I know that there was nothing to prove. He knew it too. He was canny enough to read me and know that would be the best way to snare me and keep me feeling in the “one down” position. After we broke up ( I found he’d been on on-line dating sites for many years while we were ‘exclusive’) I went through the normal months of hell trying to piece everything together, figure out what happened, what I’d done wrong. When it was in reality all just one big con so he’d have a free ride for 6 years. Then one day he called out of the blue. He wanted ‘To apologize’ for the way he’d treated me. After weeks of indecision, I (stupidly!) agreed to meet. He started up right where we’d left off. We spent hours reminiscing about all the good times, he really worked it. Then he began apologizing for all his bad behavior. EVERYTHING! He brought up situations he’d previously swore never happened – remembering more detail about them than I did! It was such a good act. I fell right into it again. He vowed to be a better person, that we needed to start over, he’d ‘realized the error of his ways’ and would do anything to get me back. Then the clincher – he said he was sorry for telling me I wasn’t pretty. That “you truly are incredibly beautiful”. That did it for me. I was ready to forgive and move on into a wonderful redeemed relationship with him. Only, he never called again. When I ran into him one day I demanded he explain himself. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. He said. “We had a conversation, but I never said any of that, and I certainly don’t want to get back together with you again. I don’t feel that way about you anymore”. No one. Not my friends, not even my therapist got just how devestating that was to me. Just like the card in the blog. I came off as someone desperate, reading something into nothing. When the reality was that it took a huge amount of soul-seaching and courage to agree just to meet with him again.
Stillsortingitout: Do yourself a favor … let any of his (or anyone like him) comments go in one ear and out the other. Besides, it’s what you feel about yourself that counts. No one (besides God) knows you better than you know yourself. You can live with the greatest guy in the world for 50-60 years … and he still wouldn’t know everything about you.
I wish for you and for everyone on here … once you realize you are with a manipulator that uses and abuses you in any way, shape or form … be strong enough to break away from them (get free from their abuse) and never look back (NO CONTACT). There is no re-do overs in life. Every adult knows life is not baseball … it’s not 1 strike, 2 strikes, 3 strikes you’re out! It’s 1 strike and why did I allow you in the park to play! The baloney that they’ll try is just that … BALONEY. The only thing they try is to get your attention so they can use and abuse you for whatever their selfish needs are at the time.
Don’t listen to their nonsense … they remind me of that old fable about the sailors that got caught listening to these sea creatures … and were doomed, doomed, doomed. Sank their ships, stole their goods and lost their lives.
Read proverbs … God tells us not to go near them … for they are FOOLS that don’t believe and respect GOD …PERIOD! They only believe in their own EGOS which means (Erase God Out) … violating the very first commandment. If you violate the very first commandment … you eventually violate them all. The spin of sin.
Peace.
i have been divorced for 7 years now. thought i could move on after finally getting free from him. didn’t realize that the way our marriage was, the way i managed to cope, for the 20 years we were together wasn’t normal and it has affected how i handle life. very messed up i am.
i have reached a point now that i must deal with myself. i have to deal with the guilt i feel inside about the things my 2 boys have had to deal with because of their father. they to their credit seem to have come to the same conclusion as the gem in the article. they seem to be alot like her.
i have lived my life with my head in the sand…flitting on the surface of a pond and never going too deep. smiling and protecting everyone….mostly the ex…i feel like such a sap for the way i have protected and coddled him. the slap in the face i feel now that my eyes are opening to the real him has made me almost a vegetable…unable to move.
i am really glad i am finding sites where there are others that have been through this. been through it and have coped and are moving forward.
thanks for being here.
peace
Amyc: You are in good company here. We understand. We’re like people who have gotten together to do a jigsaw puzzle, and we’re pretty good at helping each other remember that there’s a bigger picture here.
You have the gift of actually knowing something about the reality of the person you were with. You are so fortunate to have come into this awareness, and to have your two boys.
These creeps can fool ANYONE — and most easily, those of us who are caring people, who became emotionally involved.
You are also blessed because you now know that you can work on healing yourself. If you didn’t even know that, you couldn’t begin.
Welcome.
amyc,
Welcome to LoveFraud. A club that no one wants to be a member of. I hope you stay for as long as you need too. There is so much LF has to offer and it members are the most beautiful intelligent and compassionate people I have every met in my live.. I believe this is something you too will seen over a very short amount of time here. Again welcome!