Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
Welcome stillsortingitout! Glad to met you! 🙂
Dear Amy,
Let me add my “welcome to the club” here as well, and I am SORRY you had to “qualify” for membership in our “club.” BUT the GOOD side is that by “joining” and educating yourself you will see that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN BEING FOOLED, and that there ARE a bunch of very smart and educated people here that have also been fooled completely.
Getting away from them is only the START of understanding it all, and of healing yourself from the terrible injuries to body,, mind, emotions and soul, that these VAMPIRES DO TO US.
Be KIND to YOURSELF and realize that you can FORGIVE YOURSELF for being “human” and not knowing what you were dealing with. You did the BEST that you could do with the knowledge and situtation that you had at THE TIME. Now is a time to heal the wounds for YOURSELF and YOUR soul.
Almost my entire family are either Psychopaths or their enablers, or “psychopaths-by-proxy” doing the dirty work for the psychopaths to protect the psychopaths from the consequences of their behavior.
Psychopaths in the family or “inner trust circle” wound all in their path, spouses, parents, friends, and children. It is very DIFFICULT to protect yourself from these people and protecting others (even your own kids) is DIFFICULT TO IMPOSSIBLE so don’t beat yourself up with guilt about not doing the IMPOSSIBLE.
Your kids have suffered, but it was NOT what you did or didn’t do, it was WHAT HE DID. I am glad that they came out okay, and in the end, they may be better, smarter and stronger men for the experience.
My own two “good” sons suffered at the hands of my other son, a psychopath. I suffered at his hands, my husband and everyone else suffered at his hands, and my mother is still enabling him to persecute us today, but you know what, I have CUT out all the people who enable him out of my life, out of my circle of trust, and now that my husband and step father are both dead, my “family” consists of my two sons and myself—we are No Contact with my mother and her enabling behavior and her lies, we are NO contact with my P son (he is also in prison for murder) and though I know he is stillout there plotting against us with the help of my mother’s sending him money and information I am continuing to GROW and heal, and my other sons are growing and healing. I am VERY fortunate that I have anyone that KNOWS what we have been through, that BELIEVES what we have been through, and my two “good” sons are better and stronger men, less likely to ever fall for another psychopath in their lives.
It’s been a rough and rocky road, with many pains and tears, but in the end my two sons and I will come out stronger and better, we are already much improved from the painful days only a couple of years ago. My son C is divorced from his P X-wife as well, and that in itself was a wonderful GIFT that my years of chaos and pain accomplished. I have my son back and he is happy and healing! after 8 years of living in HELL-ON-EARTH with that woman. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless you and your sons! Read and learn about them, and about yourself I also suggested to my son C (the one divorced from the P Xwife) to read here and he has read a lot here, though he has never posted here. It has done him a great deal of good and imparted tools for him to use in his healing.
amy:
the ”unable to move” part is very real … and not only emotional, but physical. after throwing my spath-hole out after 20 years, i was literally immobile for two months. it was all i could do to get out of bed and take a shower.
be very good to yourself. it does get better. i’m just about six months into ‘no contact’, and i’m fully functional (well, as functional as i can ever be!). there are still plenty of tears, esp. when trying to understand the ‘why’ of what he did and the ‘how’ of me letting him do it! but then i remember they are sick freak spawns of the devil.
we are all here for you.
goodness and light …
Thank you so much for your kind and very wise words. It is good to be near people who understand this. Not many do. I am tired of feeling this way. Being here is like seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I shall keep crawling towards it. smile One day I will stand tall and proud again. It is just the feeling of being dirty and not trusting my own instincts..not like me at all. I went through anger…not like me either but at least I could feel. This lack of feeling is something new and I don’t like it at all. Thank you all again.
peace
were any of your x’s rude/cruel to waitresses? God- If I had known what a precursor that was I would have left months before! He was often very nice to them though too– but once we went thru the drivethru and McD’s and the speaker was not working right. he screamed and terrorized the r 16 yr old black girl. I cried for her and stuck up for her and told him how wrong he was for doing that. How would he like if someone spoke to is precious/perfect higher power of a dghtr that way?? I wish I had left then- but then he said-“That’s why I need you– you make me a better man!”
akitameg:
Last year mine gave me a Valentine’s Day card which said “Thank You For Making Me A Better Man.” If I was in any way responsible for making that monster a better man, I shudder to think what he was before he met me.
Better man? That’s a Pearl Jam song about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship because she “can’t find a better man.”
just made an appt for the first time with a psychologist in my new city for Friday. She is an older woman and has worked with folks targeted by N’s for 20 years.
I am sooo nervous you guys. Where the heck to I start??? Overwhelming.
Huge step for me though.
Akitameg: Good for you. I hope she is worth your visits. You will know when she shows you compassion and allows you to get everything off your chest.
The therapist I went to was great. Absolutely great. She’s councils broken marriages and divorced clients. Knew about sociopaths due to her other clients explaining their spouses. Had to admit to me that she heard about situations as devastating as mine, but only from TV, the movies and magazines/books and never actually met someone who got so trashed by the sociopaths … and all at one time. Just my luck … go figure, that person had to be me (smile)?
You think they knew I knew too much? Double whammy.
Good thing is I had no clue that my EX was one. If I did … I probably wouldn’t be writing on this blog today.
When God closes a door … he opens a window.
Peace.
Dear Meg,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Where do you start? Open your mouth and let the pain flow out! I’m glad you got what sounds like a great therapist that gets it! I hope so. Will keep you in my prayers!
Hey, my new therapist made me bring in a witness and court documents to prove I wasn’t a paranoid nut case–“Yes! It’s TRUE! They’re all out to kill me!” LOL MOst of us have bizarre stores so she won’t be suprised I bet, just tell it like it is. ((((hugs)))))