Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
akitameg and amyc,
An idea that helped me get over the sociopath, as well as my childhood abuse issues:
A bad thing happened to me.
That’s what it was. A bad thing. Like a car wreck. Or a case of the flu. You didn’t cause it. You just got unlucky. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
That doesn’t minimize how difficult or painful it was. Or the fact that you have to heal.
But it helps to organize the situation in your mind. And if you have to explain it to anyone, it’s a place to start.
Mine was incredible snotty to service people. (Goes with their power and superiority thing.)
His final note to me, left with a parting gift of a broken casting rod, was that I’d made him a better man.
They probably think that. It’s one more way of talking about themselves that makes them superior to someone else, even it’s superior to who they used to be. One more piece of booty they carry away, saying “Mine!” like Golem.
The operative question is: better than what? (Or rather, are they anywhere close to being human yet?)
And amyc, feeling like you can’t trust yourself anymore is something we all go through. It’s not you. You met someone who can’t trust, and that’s what they teach. They’re emotionally broken and that’s what they teach.
Imagine meeting a crazy man on the street who hypnotized you and told you the sky is green. You think the sky looks green for a bit, but then you figure out it’s not. That the guy in the street was crazy, but you are not.
We get over these things. Really. And you will too.
Haha! I have to laugh because once one of my friends said that my S reminded him of Golem, HAHAHA!
Akitameg: can you be an emissary for us? Check her out! Please read the comments under Steve Becker’s post on evaluating an unknown provider.
And if you stand in your own power — she may be a brilliant asset or she may be one of Oxy’s ass2#@.......$s — if she’s wonderful, you’ll know because she will uplift you; and if she doesn’t support you, you know she needs to go to Oxy’s farm to get trained. (OK, LF gang, everyone now —LOL!)
Eliza: I remember as a child being fascinated by the golem, a mythical creature in Jewish folklore — a creature formed of clay by a magician, and “brought to life” like a robot becomes “alive.” Here’s a definition:
“The word golem is used in the Bible to refer to an embryonic or incomplete substance: Psalm 139:16 uses the word גלמי, meaning my unshaped form. The Mishnah uses the term for an uncultivated person (“Seven characteristics are in an uncultivated person, and seven in a learned one”, Pirkei Avot 5:9). Similarly, golems are often used today in metaphor either as brainless lunks or as entities serving man under controlled conditions but hostile to him in others. Similarly, it is a Yiddish slang insult for someone who is clumsy or slow.
[edit] Earliest stories
The earliest stories of golems date to early Judaism. Adam is described in the Talmud (Tractate Sanhedrin 38b) as initially created as a golem when his dust was “kneaded into a shapeless hunk”. Like Adam, all golems are created from clay. They were a creation of those who were very holy and close to God. A very holy person was one who strove to approach God, and in that pursuit would gain some of God’s wisdom and power. One of these powers was the creation of life. No matter how holy a person became, however, a being created by that person would be but a shadow of one created by God.
“Early on, the notion developed that the main disability of the golem was its inability to speak. In Sanhedrin 65b, is the description of Rava creating a man (gavra). He sent him to Rav Zeira; Rav Zeira spoke to him, but he did not answer. Said Rav Zeira, “You were created by the magicians; return to your dust.”
The character in the movie is “Gollum,” which is clearly a name invented to remind people of the golem.
The similarities are, shall we say, enlightening?
KH: Mine left me with a toilet plunger. (Not the last S/P — the one before!)
Rune,
Haha! And the ironic thing was my friend was just trying to indicate that he didn’t think that the S was very attractive! How about that. Thanks for that info, wow.
Rune:
You at least got something useful.
The last night I made the mistake of letting S in, he dragged in bedbugs from that flophouse he called a home. I spent thousands on exterminators, hazardous material shields, tossing bedding, replacing bedding, etc.
As upset as I was at the time, it could have been worse. He could have given me an STD.
Matt: Notice how the S/P moved a lot of money for you: not just muddy shoes on the hardwood floor, but a real extravaganza of waste. A variation on “grandiosity” that doesn’t show up in the research, but I’ve seen it in lots of other stories.
akitameg, in answer to the rudeness question. i was always shocked at how he could embarrass me with his rudeness. just plain meanness. other times he would lay on the charm. didn’t comprehend my embarrassment. he was a terrific salesman and incredibly talented craftsman..i never could understand why he couldn’t stick to anything. the gifts that he had most people wish for. he has always kept himself on the fringes of society. yes, i thought of myself as his healer/savior. that handle has stayed with me until recently. made me feel better to think of it that-a-way, kept me aloof. when the bottom hit..now all i can feel is dirty. he managed to make me feel that finally…after all this time. his last victory with me. if that’s what it has to take to get it through my thick head…bitter medicine indeed.
oh writing makes me feel better. thank you.
peace
My mother is so successful at conning people into thinking she cares about them. And I don’t understand why people forgive her – including my sister, who’s my best friend.
Here are some vignettes from the past few months. My family has been together more than usual due to the death of my father.
My mother came to me and cried. She “didn’t want to lose me!” I was having hip replacement surgery in a couple of months. She so much wanted to come and help me after the operation. I didn’t trust her not to poison me. I reminded her that she had friends coming to visit (she didn’t realize I knew). The mask falls. “Oh and the Smiths, too!” She exults. Then she realized her mistake and put the mask back on. boo hoo. Don’t I know she’d move heaven and earth if I needed her? How many times throughout the summer did she say she hoped I wouldn’t die on the operating table? Barf.
She pretended to forget about my surgery 2 days before so that she could hurt me by not offering comfort. When I reminded her she was euphoric as she continued to talk about herself and to ask what I could do for her. At this point I decided I’d had enough and could no longer associate with her.
The next day, when her guests were within hearing range, she left a message with her “Motherly Love” voice on. She was going to pray for me. Hah! My mother smirks at anyone who’s middle-America enough to believe in God.
The day after surgery she conned my sister into believing she was desperate to know about my surgery. My sister told my husand to call her. He did, though I’d asked him not to. My mother (desperate remember) told him she was busy with her guests and he’d have to call later. Then she told my sister that it was my husband who had ended the call and said that “maybe he’d try to call later.”
See how sociopaths toy with people? It’s all a big game.
By the way, the last part took place on the same day my mother attempted to steal money from a trust that is my siblings and mine. Again, another con involving her unwitting house guests.
I could go on forever. She’s a master at the pity party. She’s a master at misdirection.