Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
amyc,
Does feeling dirty equate to a reaction like “Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!”?
I’m not sure if that’s his victory. Maybe it’s yours, if it’s just you emerging from from the swamp, feeling like you swallowed a frog. A lot of us feel that way when we start waking up. We want to throw up and maybe get complete blood transfusion and a memory wipe too.
Getting dragged into the world of a seriously disordered person is a really rattling experience. No matter how we characterize our reason to be there. And it’s really common to feel compromised when we finally break free.
It’ll pass.
DEar Runningaway,
I know it is difficult to have a relationship with your sister (which you apparently want) and also to have to deal with your mother.
I have a mother who is a “Psychopath-by-proxy” (an enabler for my psychopathic son) and I have gone NC with her in the past year and believe me, it is WONDERFUL to not have anything to do with her. Not to have the PRETEND love from her or the attempts at control. It has ALLOWED ME TO HEAL whereas when I was trying to cope with her it was continual drama. I couldn’t turn loose of my “delusional hope” where she was concerned and I never got her approval, no matter what I did, so NC IS WONDERFUL. You might consider it.
Like deodorant, it “takes the worry out of being close”
Kathleen, That is exactly how I have been feeling. Thanks for putting a new spin on it for me. I do feel as if it taints the past..what sort of good memories can I have now as I look back at photo albums. I don’t know how to present our memories to the kids anymore. There were good times, I remember that I had to work hard to make them happen. I overlooked things before now and managed…now it seems I can’t overlook a thing. moving along though. Thanks again for providing this healing place. I really am feeling better.
peace
amyc,
Eventually, you might get to the point where you can have some good memories again. Later when you’ve really processed this through.
I’m getting the point where I get flashes of it. I can’t hold them. I’m still sufficiently angry/afraid, that I don’t want to “give him” anything. I don’t want to get confused again or vulnerable. But I can see the day coming when I can trust myself with some good memories without risking my certainty that I was involved with a seriously disordered person.
In the meantime, you don’t have to rush yourself on how you talk to the kids about the past. (The present and the future is brighter and more interesting.) And you don’t have to give yourself pain by going over those photos, unless it helps you to spot the important pivot points of your time with him. The moments when you wish you had done something different. Those are actually useful to collect. Not for the regrets, but for realizing how you would have behaved if things hadn’t gotten so incredibly confusing and unmanageable.
Yuck, yuck, yuck is good. It sounds like you’re clearly separating yourself from what happened to you. You’re on the path and headed in the right direction.
Kathy
Runningaway: It sounds like you’ve been dealing with one of those on the extreme end. Yikes. The good news is that you don’t seem to have caught the disease, and you can also recognize the disorder. And that all sounds so intellectual, but I feel the pain from all the emotional damage she’s caused.
Glad you are here.
amyc: Hello. I cannot look at any of the photos of the S/P that I knew. I removed all the photos and left them sitting face down on the tables where they layed until some were put away. I knew the truth about him but could not stand to look at the person who told so many lies. It is if he did not exist in the photos. Denial, I don’t know what it is but I do not care to see the face, at this time. I see it differently now.
amyc: I’m seeing something in what you wrote: “he could embarrass me with his rudeness. just plain meanness . . .”
I don’t even know if it’s meanness. I’m remembering the S/P talking about suppositories in front of his 11-yr-old and 8-yr-old daughters. Laughing. Pushing against me trying to shut him up. I was furious, as the girls saw and started to understand what he was talking about.
I don’t even think it was meanness, or rudeness. Those I almost think I could excuse, compared to his delight in the discomfort of all of us normal people. He knew he was harming his daughters. He knew I was trying to shut him up. The more I tried to silence him, the more he laughed and played as if he didn’t understand, while getting more graphic. It was emotional rape.
If this person was “normal” we’d lock him up and insist on rehabilitative classes. As Robert Hare says, though, they tend to learn even more devious strategies when they go into counseling.
When we are jumping through that flaming hoop that gets us to the side of freedom and reclaiming our own true selves, we must remember that these creatures do not think like the other 90% or so of us.
When you choose to not look at those photos, you are being true.
Rune, That is exactly the way it was in our home. Emotional Rape is such a good way to describe it. and the flaming hoop we must jump through just to get away. I put off leaving him for so long because I knew how hard he would fight and how down and dirty he would be when I did finally leave. I thought I knew how hard it would be. I could never have dreamed how truly hard it would be. Thanks
amyc: These are the events that are so hard to explain to others who have never been in our shoes. I’m glad we can validate each other here in this environment. I also know it helps when we can put words to these situations that they construct, and examine them for the theatre of dysfunction that they really are.
I didn’t read the entire post but just looking at the title made me want to write. Everyone loves my husband. Everyone use to tell me that I was “lucky” to have a good man like him. His brother and cousin were both cheating on their girlfriends but everyone looked up to our relationship.
So when I told everyone he was upset. He told me that people think I am crazy now. They thought that with his first child’s mother after he cheated on her. She busted out his car windows, busted his lip, etc. I guess everyone is crazy but him. They still don’t believe that he is capable of doing the things he did to me during our marriage.
He sent me wonderful flowers for Valentine’s day 2007, 2 months before he left me. I got a wonderful b-day card that said he hoped we would spend numerous b-days together and his mistress was about 6 months pregnant at that time (I didn’t know about her or the pregnancy). I also got some great Christmas presents that last holiday in 2006 we were together but she also got some presents too (a receipt was in my car with the $200.00 purse he bought her). I guess I was “luckier” because I got a purse, wallet and diamond earrings.
I wish his family would realize that he is dangerous and needs help. He has beat 2 DUI’s and has cheated on every relationship. I have smelled marijuana on him also. He refuses to buy a car seat for our baby. So he is driving around with her with just a seat belt. I contacted child protective services but they said that is a legal issue. I don’t know what else to do? He makes a lot of money and he can’t buy a 30.00 car seat. He is on a destructive path. What is it going to take to make him stop?