Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
nic:
If my typing is off, I’ll apologize now. Today I got fired at work, so I am working my way through a bottle of scotch and a double pepperoni pizza.
Your comment about Valentine’s Day resonated with me. Maybe because Valentine’s Day is around the corner. Although I now, in retrospect realize the devalue and discard had begun, he gave me a Valentine’s present that he knew I really wanted. I’m looking at it as we speak. At this moment I am getting bombarded with the fond memories and the bad memories.
In any case, I kept wondering how his family couldn’t realize what he was about. Then I realized they did — and they realized he is beyond help. They’re greatful for suckers like me, who take the problem off their hands for a bit. But, they know what he’s all about, same as your’s know what he’s all about.
As for the seatbelt issue, if you live in a small enough town, call the local cops. Whatever one has to say about cops, they like kids. If they catch him doing this, they’ll tear him a new one. If you live in a larger city, call the State Police and report the asshole. One thing I can say is those guys take stuff like child endangerment seriously.
Then report that so-called Child Protective Service to the State Attorney General’s Office and the Governor’s Office. Good God. It’s their job to enforce the law.
Matt: Your typing isn’t off at all… and it wouldn’t matter if it was!! I am sorry to hear what happened to you today, and admire that you are still able to offer sane advice, my brain would be mush.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your job. You always offer such great advice and this time is no different. I have been making my way to get rid of all the presents I received from him. I got rid of the purse and other jewelry. I had to keep the diamond earrings though because they were gorgeous : )
I think the cops would have to catch him actually driving with her in the car. He picks her up from daycare and drops her off at home. I wish I could have them sitting at the corner when he drops her off but I don’t think the timing would ever work.
Anyway, hang in there. You will get through this.
nic and shabbychic2:
Thanks. Figure I”ll get a good night’s sleep, and then start tackling the “to-do” list one by one. First, log onto unemployment. Second, get a cell phone (that perk vanished at 3PM today). And on down the list.
nic:
I was thinking. Do the people who work at the daycare see him pick up your child and not put her into a car seat? If they do, you’ve got your witnesses and you’d no longer look like the vengeful ex if you filed a complaint with the cops.
Also, it seems to me it’s in the daycare’s vested interest NOT to let this go on. If anything ever happend, God forbid, they could be named in a lawsuit. It’s called leverage.
Matt,
I just thought of a wonderful side benefit to you getting fired! You will have more time to write great articles for lovefraud! LOL ((((Hugs))))
Hey Matt: Here’s a techno/geek clue on the cell phone. Check out the wifi-enabled phones from T-mobile. The phones let you slide into wifi (coffee house, home wifi router, etc.) and while you’re on the wifi you don’t get charged for minutes. This also works if you’re out of an area of coverage, like if you’re in a remote area with roaming charges otherwise, but you’ve got hi-speed internet available and a wifi router.
There’s lots of great plans and carriers out there, but this one — so far — is unique to T-mobile.
BTW, major congrats on your much-wider new frontier.
Matt – I read all of the entries last night and it looks like the job loss you were anticipating actually happened. I’m sorry to learn that you are in some pain, and hope that you did find some comfort in your night of pizza and scotch. Now upwards and onwards?
Because of what I do, I hear a lot of stories about loss. But when I think about most loss stories I am privy too, and particularly those related to employment, I so often hear “but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise” or “it turned out to have been the best thing that could have happened,” and the person goes on to have the greastest job or most important experience of their life. Sometimes they have a temporary crap job, but then go on to something really unexpected and awesome.
It appears that you are at a very important crossroads in life. Loss of the S, loss of the job……this may be a beautifully transformative time for you. Perhaps Spectacular Butterfly Matt is soon going to emerge from the cocoon?
Although my faith has been somewhat shaken by the S experience – it is still strong, and I do believe that God, or the energy of the universe, whatever, clears things out for us (often not by our choice) in order to make room for the really great stuff.
And I echo what everyone else is saying here – you are such a gift to our community. You are so bright, kind, compassionate, and hilarious. It’s clear you are a “winner” and that you will have many successes and triumphs. How could you not? You’re Matt!!!!
Every Christmas, my disordered sister-in-law sends out her annual “Christmas Letter”, filled with flowery, phony, grandiose bullshit, just like Gem’s letter from her imprisoned father.
The only difference is that my sister-in-law’s compositions go on for a full page.
I have started collecting them as evidence.
I am convinced that someday, everything will come to a head, and EVERYONE will know what she really is, not just the family.
I figure the psychiatrists assigned to her case will want to analyze them one day.
And I will be right there to oblige, God willing.
Rosa, thank you for bringing up this thread. This is so interesting. The letters I got were so similar and I fell in love – with the letters mostly. Interestingly, I also found a website that lets you download free “flowery, phony, grandiose bullshit” love letters. Those that came from my X got evaluated by a psychologist. He had no difficulty identifying Aggressive Narcissism (wish I’d thought of it right at the start). This thread only proves that they are more alike than different. It saddens me that they live among humans and pretend to be humans.
PInow:
I don’t think I told you guys on this site, but my Mom is also dating an S. He sends her flowery, phony cards on a weekly basis, and tells her he loves her on an hourly basis. He proposed marraige during the first month of marraige.
And when that did not work, he suggested living together (her place, of course).
There are other things that have also happened that are HUGE RED FLAGS.
Another thing that troubles me is that the last woman he dated died suddenly. At first, the story was that she choked to death on a piece of meat, and then it changed to that she had a heart attack. Very sketchy details about the previous girlfriend’s death, which I do not like, AT ALL.
I don’t know if you read “Sociopath Next Door”, but my Mom is dating “Luke” from that book. Mom’s boyfriend loves her house, and her big screen TV. Everytime I go over there, his lazy ass is on her couch and watching her TV.
I expressed my concerns to my Mom about him. I even told her he is showing characteristics of being an S. Her reply to me was that I have been reading too many books on personality disorders.
I told her, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
She has no intentions of marrying him, and only wants him for companionship, but I still worry. He’s a sleezy low-life, and she does not see it.
So, my brother is married to a psychopath, and now my Mom picked up an S.
If I snag another one, we will have a tri-fecta.
I have no intention of doing so, but what are the odds that only 4% of the population are S’s, and they keep gravitating to my family?
I no longer accept people at face value, but my family members still have not learned that lesson.
We obviously need some family therapy.
But, like I said, my Mom and my brother seem to be o.k. living in their own ignorance.
I love them to death, but they are both involved with disordered individuals, in my opinion.