Research into sociopathy/psychopathy has made a great deal of progress over the last 30 years. Even so, there is much that research does not address. For example, sociopaths are described as callous, lacking in empathy and without remorse for their hurtful actions. These sterile descriptors always fall short of really conveying the evil of the disordered.
A good 6 months before the Madoff story broke, I began a project to connect with the family members of professional con artists. The purpose of this project is to document the within family behavior of con artists and to link that “profession” to psychopathic personality traits. I have had good success connecting with family members and the exchange of information has been healing all around.
One con artist is in prison for affinity fraud- the use of a church, or other social connection to perpetrate fraud. This man was good at pretending to be a great “Christian” and used his church affiliation to swindle people. There is no doubt he is highly psychopathic as this is his second prison term and the descriptions given by his ex-wife are that of a classic sociopath.
Like many con artists, this man also has children. One of his daughters is the same age (within a couple of weeks) as my eldest daughter; she just turned 18. I spoke with this young lady with the permission of her mother and have had an ongoing dialogue with her. She wanted to talk to me because she was taking psychology in high school and had figured out on her own that her father is a sociopath.
This young lady is such a gem, so I’ll call her Gem here. She is smart, lovely and kind-hearted. In her own way she has been coming to grips with the reality that her father is incapable of love. He wasn’t physically violent but he has been callous, lacking in empathy and emotionally abusive toward everyone in the family. There I go with the adjectives that describe a sociopath.
Researchers are puzzled by the phenomenon of empathy in sociopaths. Although sociopaths seem to know all too well what others are thinking and feeling, they don’t respond in a normal way to what they know. Instead, they use their knowledge of others to manipulate. When the manipulation is perpetrated on a child or vulnerable teen/ young adult it is especially evil.
Gem shared with me the birthday communication she received from her imprisoned father. With her permission, I share it with you. She and I both hope this example will help other family members heal and move on. When I read the card, I was outraged and knew immediately the effect it had on my young friend. Without a lengthy explanation, a person ignorant of sociopaths would never “get it” regarding the manipulation I saw as blatant manipulation. Here is what the card said:
” My sweet baby girl, I miss you and love you very much. Happy 18th birthday. It seems like yesterday I held this little tiny baby with the biggest most beautiful eyes. I have so many great memories of you, handfuls of dog food, pretty little dresses. You played soccer but hated it. You danced and laughed your way into everyone’s heart. You are all a father could ever ask for in a daughter. I pray for you every day. May you find the best in life as you begin your adult life. I hope your dreams come true. You’re wonderful, beautiful, and always will be my little girl. God bless you.
Love Dad”
OK an ignorant person reading this would say, “What a sweet, nice card, to get from a father.” This communication might also be cited as an example of how hard it is for the kids of the imprisoned to be separated from their loving parents who made, “mistakes in life.”
A person who really knows sociopaths would react with outrage as I did. I know that just a few short months before this card, the father in question stole money from his ex-wife. Money she was using to take care of Gem, his little girl. Furthermore, all during Gem’s childhood he was conning people including family members out of their money. He never had any real connection to Gem. She never felt he loved or wanted her. This card in my view was pure evil, why? because it preyed upon this beautiful Gem, a young lady who always wished for a real father.
When she sent me what her father had written, I responded, “I am speechless over that card, it must represent everything you wish he would have said to you your whole life. I hope you keep it and believe in your heart, mind and soul that this is what YOU DESERVE always and forever from your parents and your boyfriend/future husband.”
Here is what Gem said in response to my interpretation, “it did just trigger something in me that just made me cry. I couldn’t help but break down and cry after reading that because I HAVE always wanted to hear that from a father-figure but now… it’s too late.”
This con artist, bored in prison is writing cards, hoping for some entertaining responses, while his family is working to heal, make sense of it all, and move on. The words of the card, if left unchecked by reality, delay the moving on that is so important. Gem is off to college next fall and is moving on to a great life that she will make for herself.
It is only my personal knowledge of sociopaths and how they operate that enabled the correct interpretation of the birthday card. Please feel free to share your own examples of a sociopath’s manipulation of your emotions. Particularly useful are examples of a sociopath’s use of words that are superficially appropriate, but very inappropriate given the specific circumstances.
Oxy, Rosa, Erin B., Matt, Kathy and all my “cyber friends” at LF:
In ALL my reading here thus far (since feb 09) I had never read this particular post or thread of comments… both the post and the comments are especially illumintaing and validating. Thank you Rosa for commenting here again and bringing this thread back for reading & re-reading!
Gillian’s letter that prompted Oxy to translate “socio-speak” was another great lesson in S/P 101! It made me refelct on a few pieces of correspondence from the S in a whole new light – counting all the “I” usage was cathartic, LOL!
Oxy, I was chuckling as I read your translation of Gillian’s letter, but when I go to the line “I don’t say I’ve made a complete transformation; (don’t expect miracles, Bitch)” I laughed out loud and almost spit the cottage cheese I was eating on my laptop. I know, I know, shouldn’t multi-task and eat while at the computer, but such is life with 4yo twins. Anyway the more important point is that it was one of those “look how far I’ve come” moments for me when I laughed that hard at the translation… there was a time when I thought I’d never laugh again after the S, let alone laugh and find humor in something S/P related! Laughter, along with the wisdom that has come as a result of my experience with the S, is definitely the best “medicine!”
Erin B., I saw your reply to me from last weekend a few days after you wrote it, so my apologies for not seeing it sooner and responding to you. When you mentioned your two strokes, amidst everything else you have dealt with, I was even more moved by your strength to overcome adversity!
As I read more and more on this blog and “hear” people’s personal stories of trauma and abuse, I am truly amazed and inspired by what so many of you have overcome. I am in no way weighing one perosn’s trauma against another’s, but at the same time my eyes have been opened to the sheer terror and abuse that too many people here have endured… and I am inspired by the spirit of human resilience that is reflected in people’s attempts to move forward, overcome and heal from such gutwrenching trauma. And, I am continually inspired by those like Donna, Liane, Kathleen H, Matt, and Oxy, among many others, who have helped SO many people by continuing to light the way, each in their own unique way… the words “thank you” are barely adequate to express my admiration and appreciation!
HP
It is just this manipulation that my kids are going through. N took skank next door to a family party last night. My daughter had already accepted another invitation and my son chose not to go.
No NH took the SKANK. Now, his family has always been prim and proper . And they KNOW FULL WELL he was in ana affair with her 15 years ago. AND they know full well he has had others. I am HORRIFIED they would let even a man of 51 years act so inappropriately and accept the one they used to call WHORE at their party.
So my son asked his dad if he took her because to make a long story short – he pretty much saw his dad pick her up last night. Dad did not see us at the park and he picked Skank up at her mother’s house which is near the park.
DAD’s answer was ” Well you didn’t want to go so I took her. If YOU had gone I wouldn’t have had to take her” This he says to a 10 year old. Now my son is slowly catching on, so he tells his dad that was no answer – he wants to know WHY he took her as in HOW COULD YOU. And dad’s response was ” why not? The only one who doesn’t like her is your mother”
Then my daughter gets wind of the conversation and she decides to call her aunt and ask why she would let Skank come as a guest when 1. She always thought she was a whore and so did grandma from the first time dad messed with her 2. Why would she be so accepting of her brother’s poor behavior. Doesn’t she know what he has put us (daughter and son) through over the years? Doesn’t she realize there is something really wrong with her brother?
And her aunt’s answer was ” You are disrespectful. I am not having this conversation. You are inappropriate. I love my brother, he is my blood and he is a big boty who makes his own decisions.”
And with that she hung up……………….
No – Honey, i am sorry
I love you
I wish it were different
I can imagine this is so hard for you
I maybe can’t change anything but I will talk to him for you
I don’t know …..something more than hang up on her. I would never turn out my neice or nephew that way.
My child sobbed for quite awhile after that.
Are they all N’s ? Is this typical ?
Dear New Life,
I’m sorry you and your kids are going through this, but there is UNFORTUNATELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT YOUR X’S BEHAVIOR—and there is nothing his family WILL DO.
As difficult as it is for you (and for your kids) my suggestion is that you QUIT NOTICING HER—pretend that she does not exist. DON’T TALK ABOUT HER, or to her, or with anyone about her. As far as your kids are concerned, I suggest that you just say something to them along the line of “I realize that it upsets you when you dad sees this woman, but Honey, who your dad sees is his choice. Sometimes when we see someone doing something that we do not think is appropriate behavior we are not able to influence them to stop.”
I know it hurts your children for him to see this woman, but by addressing this over and over and over with him rubbing your nose into it and their noeses into it, it seems to me like it just keeps things stirred up. I know it is difficult (very difficult) for him to do this in front of your kids and the neighborhood, but he is going t ocontinue to do this, ESPECIALLY as long as he knows he gets a rise out of you and the kids. He is hurting the kids and making them cry to “get to” you is what I think, and the only way to stop it is to TOTALLY IGNORE him and her! (or at least pretend to) if he doesn’t get a rise, he doesn’t get Narcissistic supply!
((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you and the kids!
newlife08:
I was wondering how you were doing. I’m sorry to hear about your in-laws response to your kids, although it doesn’t surprise me. Fact of the matter is, by filing for divorce from S, you have kicked their problem back into their laps. And don’t doubt that they don’t know what he is and the problem he presents. By giving him the heave-ho, they now have his full, unadulterated “charm” to deal with.
I am really proud of your kids for fighting back. It speaks volumes to me about how good a mother you are that your kids have the backbone to fight back against the S’s crap and have chosen to just not deal with him rather than put up with his hypocrisy. Although your kids don’t realize it yet, they are learning an important life lesson — that family doesn’t mean that blood. Rather, family can consist of friends you know you can count on. I know your kids are hurting. But, the fact they are wising up to S so quickly and wanting nothing to do with him going forward gives him a lot less chance to damage them.
As for my life, I reall lucked out with the guy I”ve been seein the last month. Yeah, he’s smart, good-looking, fun to be with, financially sound — oh, yes, and unlike S, doesn’t have to report to a parole officer. But, what is so wonderful is how kind and thoughtful he is. Until S, I never realized how important those qualities are.
Today I realized just how different things are with the new guy than with S. We went out to dinner last night. We missed the movie and came back to my place to check the schedule. Instead we just stayed in and — well, I call my kind-size bed my home entertainment center. Anyhow, this morning we got up. After breakfast we just sat around in bathrobes and read the Times.
That’s when it hit me. The only way I had the “privilege” of S’s company on a Sunday morning was if I was waving my platinum Amex and taking him to brunch someplace expensive. Otherwise he would give me some bullshit excuse on why he had to leave like “I have to go home and lindseed oil my dining room table.” And I took that crap.
While trust has to be earned, it is such a nice feeling to be with somebody whom my gut is telling me I can trust. I never had that feeling with S. Right from the get-go. What a luxury to feel this way.
Dear Matt,
It does make it nice, doesn’t it, when your sweetie doesn’t have to report to a parole officer? LOL ROTFLMAO!!!
Glad you are having fun and enjoying being with someone who doesn’t make your gut wrench.
OXY and MATT,
OXY- I understand your point. All the drama he creates winds up giving him attention in one way or another. I know he gets pleasure out of my hurt and pain and to take her around family is the ultimate hurt to me and he knows it. I have to work on processing that his family can be so ignorant and phoney.
MATT – so glad to hear you are having a pleasant time. Yes, I always thought it would be nice for my NH to hang around on the weekend and just BE – not doing much of anything -but he never did – even for the kids.
So the divorce is off the court calendar for now until forensics are done, NS continues to play games with support, we have a stipulation agreement in place for the interim but I don’t expect him to honor it. My fees are not at $28,000.00.
I cannot tell you how much it hurt to see him take her to this party – for my kids and for me. Maybe somehow I had them in a place in my head where they were sneaking around and they just had no credibility -or it seemed so unreal sometimes.
But now, attending a family function – that brings it into reality big time. I wonder if he took her to pay me back because the kids did not attend.
What will I feel – if they get engaged or he marries her?
Where does that put my children – in her care ? NO WAY!!!
I just want this to end, for it to be over and know what I have left. I see people struggling here day to day and wanting off this emotional roller coaster.
I really want to get past all this – it’s been years of upset and doubt and being vulnerable.
He has all the power still – and he knows it.
When will God put him in his place?
newlife08:
I think he took the skank to this event not only to put it to you and your kids, but to also throw it in the face of his family. You said they KNOW exactly what she is. What better way for S to show that he is in control of them also by saying “I’m with skank and there is nothing you can do about it?”
I’m glad the forensics are done — that stops some of the financial hemorraghing. Has the court got S under an order not to disperse any of the property which was accounted for in the forensics?
When you mentioned the about how you wanted your NH to just hang around on the weekend it made me think of something I read a few weeks ago. It may have been Senator Franken who said it, but I’m not sure. Anyhow, he said something to the effect of “kids don’t want quality time. They want quantity time, and lots of it.” I realized it’s not just kids. That’s what we wanted in our relationships — just knowing the other person was there with us because they wanted to be and not because we were buying their time.
Hey Matt,
The forensic accountant is waiting for tax records from his business accountant. I don’t expect much from this character as he has pending attempted murder charges against him and will likely not cooperate freely – just out of lack of character.
The Stipulation agreement prevents him from disipating anymore assets.
HE is asking that I get a $750,000 insurance policy on myself
which I think is ridiculous. Odd that he wants me to cover the same amount of his debts??? And my son tells me he watches a lot of TRU-TV – as in husband murders ex-wife.
I don’t think he would ever harm me but it is a little creepy.
Matt, you are so right. The “quality” time is crap – my kids and I just wanted him to WANT to be around. He could wash the car, motorcycle, tinker with whatever, JUST BE PART OF THE FAMILY !!!
And, yes, that is what companionship is about and the kids see he does it with her – he seeks to be with her- why not them? Nevermind me – how do you NOT want to be around your kids. Well, he tells them it was because he couldn’t be around me.
But he did mange to come home to a clean house, my paycheck, a cooked meal every night, 2 great kids – and sex with me. He just didn’t want to be WITH ME.
HE wanted to be WITH his other women, the internet, etc.
H e stole my life from me and finances.
And he has hurt his workers and decimated the construction co. HE has his B-B-Q and will wait till we are divorced to resurrect the construction company.
Quantity time -yes- to talk, take a drive, a walk, watch a movie – all the things we did in the beginning. What changed and why? I know sometimes he was so on me I felt suffocated – I used to tell him he was asponge. after awhile, it seemed like I was there just to fill his needs- mine didn’t matter – and I withdrew emotionally and. sexually.
Was I wrong? He nver wanted to hear what I felt was missing.
Am I to blame for all this???
I can’t believe I question myself at this point.
He never cared about my pain – and even now he looks to inflict more.
newlife08:
I used to get blamed by S all the time, too. Direct quote: “My making demands on him was driving him away.” I guess asking somebody to spend more than one night a week with me when we were supposedly exclusive was pretty excessive on my part, huh?
As for needs, I now see I was on a starvation diet. He’d thrown me a crumb and I was all over it. I remember somebody, when I first posted, said “a crumb here, and a crumb there, and we make it into a wedding cake.” So true. And so sad. Or another direct quote: “relationships are like stews. YOu can’t rush them along. You have to let them simmer and blend together.” I got that one on New Year’s Eve 2007 just when I had more or less figured out that he was cheating on me and using again.
Yup, they’re just fonts of wisdom and platitudes, Ss are.
As for your S/N not wanting to spend time with his kids, I see the same thing with my conman brother. He and his current beau are off in Europe this week on yet another vacation, sans kids. He read some crock of shit story which said, in essence, “that parents are entitled to their own lives.” Boy, I’m not a parent, but that one sure doesn’t sound right to me. Anyhow, I see firsthand the effect the neglect his having on his kids. My heart breaks for them, but there isn’t much I can do. But, I can already see how the kids are starting to disengage from him. And once that disengagement is complete, he will never win them back. Never.
Regarding the life insurance policy I think I would tell him that he has no vested interest in your survival that would necessitate a life insurance policy. You would be willing to consider RECIPROCAL life insurance policies with your children as beneficiaries, with the proceeds going into trust, with said trusts being administered by an independent third party trustee, AND that you each submit proof from the insurance company that you have paid your yearly premium. Sad as it is, I suspect he will have no interest in seeing that your kids are provided for. As for yourself and your kids, check out Selectquote — they can get you a very good rate on term life.
Short answer to your question — no you are not to blame for any of this. He never gave a damn about what you were thinking or feeling or needing (except to the extent that those thoughts, feelings or needs were antithesis to HIS thoughts, feelings or needs). Yeah, he is looking to inflict even more pain. Thing is, you know it, you’re taking steps to extricate yourself from this nightmare and once it is over, you can rebuild your life the way you want.
NewLife08- Oh my goodness your pain is so raw and I wish I could make this better for you right now! I was in a similar spot, but not exact as I was not married to the S, etc. At the same time, I was just devastated by how he moved on to someone else so easily and freely; Iwondered what she had that I didn’t have that would keep his attention, what didn’t I do for him, etc. etc. etc. But in time the S did the same thing to her… they just replay the same story with different characters over and over. My therapist had been telling me the S DID NOT change… new girl wasn’t getting any better than I got from him…. and in the end she even got less/worse. Therapist reminded me that he was perfect to me in the beginning too, and then when real life got in his way, and it wasn’t fun any more, or he had to be responsible, etc., he would seek “relief” from his boredom in another person, just as he had with me. Unlike his wife who stayed with him in spite of his serial cheating, he knew I would catch on to him and wouldn’t put up with it if I caught him cheating. So he had to discard me before I discarded him.
Next month, in August he’s marrying a woman, after 5 months of lovebombing, because HE believes she will “allow,” overlook, accept whatever he chooses to do – just like his first wife. He hasn’t changed and neither has your ex. They do what they do based upon what people allow them to do. Simple fact – it is ALL about the S/N/P and how the situation “works” for him. Your ex’s relationship will work with the Skank, DEPENDENT on what SHE will tolerate/put up with–and what she will put up with just as with any of us, is dependent on what baggage, karma, emotional tools she has or doesn’t have at this time. I’d love to say more and hope this isn’t too jumbled, but I have to get my daughter from pre-school in 5 minutes. I was just so sad for how great your pain is today that I wanted to drop in and remind you that you are not to blame… he is who he is and YOU are better off without him. HUGS!!!!
HP